39 years stolen by kindness, I don't know where to put my rage or process

[MoonSilverwing]

In June I lost 39 years of a partnership, through what turns out to be the crulest kindness I have ever experianced. Not by a bad man, a kind man, a man who loved me in his way as a friend. A man who, after 10 years together, was offered two choices, neither of which would have taken me out of his life.

We had been togther 10 years (since I was 18 and he 23) We had known each other as friends since I was 13 and he 18. At 28 I said I wanted to have children with him. I said I understood if he didn't want children (he'd said as much before) and if that was his choice then I would go to a sperm bank. However if I did the latter, then he and I couldn't be a couple anymore but I would always be his friend and in each other's lives if he still wanted.

He thought about it for a week and then said, ok, lets have kids together. I thought that meant he loved me like I did him. I thought he hung the moon and stars and, I don't know, I never imagined he didn't want that life with me, he said yes right?

Right. Wrong. The kindest man in my life was it turns out a people pleaser. He knew how protective I was of being able to make my own choices in life. He knew, he knew me.

3 children and 2 months off our 39th anniversary together I sat him down to talk. Really talk because he was quiet man. Were there red flags during those years? Absolutely. I thought it was me. why did he never reach for me first, why was it always me? why did he think me carry our child made me unattractive, he never said but I could see it. I thought a man would see the miracle, our child, growing inside me and a man would find that beautiful. So when he didn't, I thought, ok, it's me. I'm not pretty enough, skinny enought (pregnant!) I'm too strong a personality, I'm not loveable enough. Anything as long it was my fault, because the alternative was unthinkable. if I was enough, why wasn't I enough.

I worked, supported the family, paid the bills, not because I wanted to be in control, because he never took notice about that stuff. No one was going to fight for me, or even better, stand by my shoulder and fight with me.

A kind man. A great father, patient, all you could ever wish a father was, that is what he was and still is. I should also say, a very high functioning autistic man. I never knew that for years, I discovered it slowly, so slowly.

The talk. Simple, I asked direct questions about us. What I learnt was this. He thought loving me as a friend was the same as being in love. He never really desired me, I don't think sex ever meant much to him whoever it might have been in his life. When I gave him that choice all those years ago this is what he did. He sat with it. Then he made a the decision that my choice to be a single parent wasn't good and so he agreed to have children with me. He never told me, never indicated anthing at all. he let me believe he wanted it, he wanted us and a future. He didn't, not like that. He is a man that stole at a minimum 29 years of my life and truth to be told 39 years. He is a man who gave up his entire life as well, because he didn't think being a single parent was good. That's it. The whole truth.

I moved into the annex, he helped me. I still support the family, pay the bills. The house is for our kids, that was always the plan. they are high functioning autistic but two are still at home and I need my family to always have a safe place they can just be themselves in. I will continue to do this because that is who I am.

For him, nothing has really changed. The house is there, we live there only I sleep in the annex. I still do my thing and he still educates the youngest. Only difference is my sleeping/living location which is in the garden.

I have so much rage inside me and I have no where to put it. I cannot put it on him. it would be like whipping a puppy. He made a choice because he's a kind man and a people pleaser. I cannot find an outlet but I need one. Something, anything but I'm so full of hurt, rage and I feel like I'm beeing knocked to my knees everyday. I shove myself up and power through, go to work, help others because it's my job and I love it. Then I keep falling to my knees and I'm as so tired of fighting but I don't know how to be anything else after decades of fighting for everyone. I get, go down, get up and all the while the rage consumes me with nowhere to go. All I can do is write it down to release the pressure valve, that is why I'm here.

Not because I think anyone can fix me but because I need some human contact that see's me, after so many decades of not truely being seen I need just one human being to see me and say it's ok. That I'm enough. Not enough for him, I know I'm not, I just want to count somewhere on this earth and know I'm seen.

thank you for listening.

I don't know what to say to make this better but I can completely understand the sort of helpless rage you're feeling and I didn't want to read and run. You have every right to be angry. Maybe consider getting a therapist you can talk this through with as it's so complex? I wish you every luck.

I see you. You count. You matter.
I am not in your situation but I understand what you say about needing to be seen. I am sure your children love you and it sounds like your husband loves you, although it may not be in the way you need. But you exist and you matter. I wonder if thinking about ways to remind yourself you exist might help? Ways to be present - whether through mindfulness or through being physically active or through writing out your emotions or making something. It is different for all of us but something to help you connect with the world can help sometimes I find. Wishing you well. x

Do you have friends?

Thank you. Yes my children love me. They don't like physical/tactile emotions. My eldest is out in the world with a partner and happy and he tells me he loves me all the time.

@mathanxiety Yes, a couple. I also have family, they know but I'm the one they come to so, ya know.

I asked him if he'd told his sisters and brother. he had. When one sister heard I was in the annex, he response was "Oh! Lots of people are doing that these days" Not a single text, nothing to acknowledge the end of almost 4 decades. Nothing, like, this is invisable. One sister visited today and nothing. Not a look or an extra long hug in silence. Good people but nothing. I don't understand that. I could be wrong, maybe that's how it goes.

I thank you for seeing me. I may try my work EAP for councelling.

I'm going to italy in just over a week. I've always wanted to go and see the art. I've not had a holiday or taken anything just for me in almost 30 years. I was OK with that, family first, always. I feel guilty but I also know that's just me. No one will go without and I get to find me, just for 3 days. It's both scarey and excting. Depends on the day with me right now. I will be OK. I always am. I am my mother's daughter (single parent by the way) Best woman I knew and I know what she would say. Go, be you, then come home and keep fighting but live.

Thank you all, I cried for the first time since June. I needed it and you gave me that.

Just wanted to offer a hand hold as I had a 40+ year relationship, now over, and I’m asking myself how I didn’t notice a whole lifetime slipping by. It’s a heavy thing to carry.

Trying to give you the positives... He hasn't though stolen anything. You loved him, he cared for you - none of us can demand someone loves them. He gave you that time. He didnt need to but he did and it sounds on the whole like it was ok.

You also have children together so he gave you what you wanted.

How utterly sad that you missed out on someone loving you like you loved them and he missed out on knowing what it feels like to love a partner.

I'm so sorry.

I hear you, OP. You are not alone - thousands of other women are at your shoulder, walking similar paths.

My autistic DP made a similar call when we had DC -he believed I'd make a good mum so should have DC. He always said it would be too much for him but I thought it was more of a figure of speech, not actually a reasonably plausible prediction which has, in many ways, proven accurate. He thinks he was doing a kind thing -I honestly think it was more of a case of not losing me.

He has not had the capacity to engage emotionally in the way I'd hoped -in other ways he has been more than adequate. I've tried to make peace with our differences and have reconciled that we're never going to 'meet', as painful as that is.

I wonder whether it would help you to find out about Cassandra Syndrome? It refers to the long-term effects of the emotional deprivation that comes from living with an autistic partner. Mark Hutten has lots of videos on YouTube.

It sounds like your husband loved you as much as he was able, though not in the way that you needed. I'm sorry it's been so hard.

You are enough though. Just as you are.

A rage at the situation, at the hand you've been dealt in life. I get it.

It'll be easier when the younger two DC have left home and you can financially separate from him. Don't fall for that myth that adult DC needs you to keep a bedroom available for them for life, it isn't true and most DC will avoid staying with parents long term after they've moved out,because it doesn't work for them either. They get used to having their freedom and find the parent/child dynamic suffocating. So a couch/floor to sleep in an an emergency, until they get something better set up, is adequate.

At least then you'll feel like you've got your life back, you can't truly do that while you're still living with your ex. It's a hindrance to mentally and physically moving on. Not that you necessarily want anyone else, time will tell there, but just to know that your space is your own and you don't have to accommodate anyone else's wants or needs.

I know it's still not the same as being young and full of hope and starting out etc, but this has all come as a shock to you and actually, it's not ok. You're a person. You deserve a life, however you end up building it and whether he's in it in some capacity or not.

It's time to start to learn to be something other than other people's rock though. I'd pull back on that part right now, myself. It's not selfish. When others come to you listen, but not excessively and don't get involved with fixing the situation in any way, don't let it occupy your thoughts and don't try to think of solutions for them. Whatever it is, they're grown adults and will find a way to sort it out themselves. Don't be afraid to call them up and lean on them with your feelings occasionally. Honestly, you can expect them to run away, but if they do you've lost nothing because all they're doing is taking taking taking, so if that happens let them go and put your energies into new people. I'm not saying cut the old people out, you can still see them and enjoy their company, but don't chase them and don't be their unending listening ear and solver of all issues. You might be surprised at who steps up, you'll never know if you don't give them a chance.

Same for your ex, let him work out his own problems now. It's not reasonable for him to expect the person he hurt to console him when things aren't going well.

His sisters are going to take his side, that's how breakups go, especially when there's been no nastiness, no real reason for them to hate him. If he needs help he can turn to them now. They're not supporting you so let them support him and keep your energies for yourself and DC. If the sisters continue to speak to you and don't turn against you, that's realistically as good as it's going to get.

FWIW I don't really believe in love. Not the movie kind, the true love everlasting kind, The One and all that. No, I think people get married to have children and someone to be a team with, then stay married because it's just easier than getting divorced. Or they decide they can't live a lie and so divorce, rebuilding whatever they can of a life, but at least it's honest and there's peace in that.

I think it's pretty rare to be in love for the entire marriage and I think a great many men don't know what love is, they want the practical benefits of marriage and they like having their partner and DC around. A lot of women don't know what it is either and stay with people who are abusive to some degree, because they too don't want to be single. You're raging right now and that's totally understandable, you feel like you've missed out and that might or might not be true (because you can never walk the paths not taken to find out), but your feelings will eventually pass like all others do and you'll realise that at least there's nothing toxic there, which makes life a heck of a lot easier.

I hope you enjoy your holiday, step one of the new you, you've absolutely nothing to feel guilty for. ✈️🏖️🌞

I think people pleasers are selfish. They do it to avoid discomfort within themselves. They could be honest but choose not to be honest. It’s not done out of kindness to others.

I hope you enjoy your trip. Can you build up a group of friends and associates? Reach out to old friends and make new ones? I think many people are desperate to
connect with others.

You are enough. Speak to yourself like you would speak to a friend.

‘Love yourself like your life depends on it’ by Kamil Ravikant explores how he hit rock bottom and got himself through it. It contains very simple exercises to improve how you love yourself. Interesting book and I am sure there a free pdf online (I got it as a second hand book).

It must have been devastating to hear what he said to you. But he didn't steal 39 years of your life, nor you his. He gave you 3 children, companionship, love, security and stability. The most passionate sexual chemistry I ever had with anyone was the most violent relationship of my life. Life is not like the movies and most of the married couples I know are in coparenting friendships with a bit of sex thrown in if the guy feels like it (and often he doesn't care much). You need to grieve what was lost but appreciate what you do have. And go out and start meeting other men.

I actually think you just have different ways of expressing and feeling love. Yours sounds deep and passionate and his is practical and solid. You clearly do love each other but in completely different ways due to your personalities and make ups.
My nan married her second husband because he was reliable, she always says she loved her first my grandad more passionately, he died and was not a good man, but her second is a lovely kind man who is reliable and she loves him just not passionately. They had a 45 year partnership.
my mum says she never fancied my dad, but that she married her best friend. Which is true. Known each other since teenagers and wanted to make a life partner together. They are happy.
you don’t have to feel love the same way as your partner, honestly, passionate firey love usually either burns out or blows up. Dependable friendship and solid partnership makes the best marriages. Putting the other person first for 39 years is love. That’s what you said you have with him.

Nothing was stolen and there are no victims here.
You'll be happier if you own your choices but also give yourself a little grace. There are different ways of loving, and expressing love, and you clearly did love each other. That's not nothing.
It's ok to decide that what's on offer isn't enough, that you want different or more but you can do that without rubbishing what you did have. That will just make you feel bad about yourself.

Hi OP.

I'm here burning the midnight oil, and am thinking of you. I understand your rage. I guess we're similar ages, and it's hard to look back on life and feel such dire disappointment (I'm sorry if this is understated).

It is unbelievable that people don't seen to be aware that you are feeling such sorrow now that you have moved into the annex. Are your children supportive? Do they have any idea as to the pain that you're in?

You've mentioned therapy. I recommend this highly. I was diagnosed with C-PTSD 18 months ago. I had some psychology input, but it was making me worse. I now see a wonderful counsellor weekly, and she has turned my life around. I hope that you can find someone who you can relate to.

The holiday sounds wonderful. Can i come??! It will allow you some time to hit the reset button. I took a trip to a land very far away recently, somewhere that I'd wanted to visit for as long as I can remember. I was utterly terrified in the run up to it, but it was wonderful, and i could be, well, me. Your trip to Italy will enable you to be you. It will be wonderful. Perhaps you're going to Florence if you're going for the art. If you are in that area, Siena is magical.

You are a wonderful, caring and loving lady. I wish you love and luck.

On the other hand, he has committed 39 years of his life to you and your family together. He is home schooling your autistic child. You're fortunate enough to have a house with annex.

And now you're hung up on the fact that he didn't love you in the "right way"? I think you need a reality check on just how fortunate you are.

To be fair, you can put it on him. It's not like kicking a puppy, because he's not a puppy, he's a grown man. It's okay to be angry at a man who was never truly honest with you, who (from what you've said) didn't work to support the family, didn't work with you as a team when it came to the mental load of budgeting, and made you feel unattractive and unlovable.

Being autistic isn't an excuse for making someone else feel that way. If he's capable of functioning in society, and raising and educating children, then he's capable of knowing that marriages involve sexual attraction, and of saying 'I would love to be with you but I don't really have a sex drive, is that an issue for you?'

But I suppose there is a degree of personal responsibility - if he was never interested in instigating sex, for instance, and you brushed that aside and didn't ever address it, then you had a role to play in the years passing without anything changing. You accepted the way things were just as much as he did.

At least things are out in the open, now. You can't get back lost time, but it sounds like there was a lot about your life that was great, too. And now you can go out and seize the day - let him carry the load for a while, and put yourself first. Have sex with a man who finds you dreadfully attractive. And enjoy Italy! That sounds wonderful, and you deserve it.

I think you both treated each other as best as you could. You were both useful, caring and constructive. You respected each other, parented together and formed a positive household.
It was a very unusual proposition that you posed, back then.

Why did you not want to break up and find Mr Right? It was as if you were saying that you wanted children more than Mr Right. He was happy not being Mr Right and now you have set the line differently. I think it is unfair that you make him out to be less than who you asked for. He did not steal your years. You neglected to communicate honestly.
Have you ever been assessed for being on the spectrum yourself? You are not a straight forward speaker. You are not a victim.
If you honestly loved him, how can you flick that switch off because you learn that his interpretation is not exactly like yours?

Yes, anyone can call quits on a relationship.
You can, and have.
I don't see your situation as you having been mislead, sorry.

He made his choices, he can’t help being autistic, it doesn’t sound like he lied to you- he sounds like a good man.

You also made choices, I’m not sure you’re a victim here so unsure why you seem to want to paint yourself as one. I don’t want to be dismissive of your feelings but it sounds like menopausal rage/midlife crisis to me. Hope you manage to get through this. You have many blessings.

I wouldn’t say he’s kind; I’d say he’s very selfish and has manipulated you.
Hes simply said yes to everything but not actually meant it or planned on being engaged with the decisions.
Thats not kind; it’s the opposite. It’s incredibly manipulative.

Hes not a good father because he’s treated the mother of his kids like rubbish; and he’s clearly not really engaged with ‘the family’.

I wondered if he was gay from your post; I think it’s possible.

Don’t give him anymore of yourself, your rage or your life. He’s parasitic.
love to you xxxx

Gretalpetal
I think people pleasers are selfish. They do it to avoid discomfort within themselves. They could be honest but choose not to be honest. It’s not done out of kindness to others.

I don’t think this is true personally, If everyone made the decisions where would a group or a couple be? One person just decides they don’t mind or is happy to go along with something. It’s only on mn it’s used as such an insult to go with the flow or try to help.

Saying that op I don’t know that all of this is anyone’s fault, I think life just carried the two of you along but I think you have to try to take any good out of it, or the bitterness will drive you crazy- you had good times or it wouldn’t have continued to this point.

What is it that you are so angry about? He gave you everything you wanted that he was capable of giving.

in my opinion you are angry because you used ultimatums which worked to get what you wanted - children. You’ve now realised you can’t use ultimatums to force someone to feel a certain way about you. That is where the rage is coming from. Your relationship was not a lie - the lie was to yourself because despite what he told you (or didn’t tell you), you chose to steam ahead and believe whatever you wanted to. He has on paper given in and stuck to his end of the bargain. I don’t think he had betrayed or manipulated you, I think it’s actually the other way round. Separation sounds like the best next step for you both.

People pleasers are incredibly selfish. So I want to offer you this view. It is not because they are for the greater good. It is because not doing what someone else wants makes them deeply uncomfortable, so to protect themselves, they people please. Regardless of the consequences to themselves and others.

He has stolen a lot from you. You deserve to feel cherished.

Please get some therapy. I hope you find your angry, move on in your love life and discover what it feels like to be truly seen and wanted.

It sounds like he tried to do what he thought was right. You misunderstood each other.