39 years stolen by kindness, I don't know where to put my rage or process

[MoonSilverwing]

In June I lost 39 years of a partnership, through what turns out to be the crulest kindness I have ever experianced. Not by a bad man, a kind man, a man who loved me in his way as a friend. A man who, after 10 years together, was offered two choices, neither of which would have taken me out of his life.

We had been togther 10 years (since I was 18 and he 23) We had known each other as friends since I was 13 and he 18. At 28 I said I wanted to have children with him. I said I understood if he didn't want children (he'd said as much before) and if that was his choice then I would go to a sperm bank. However if I did the latter, then he and I couldn't be a couple anymore but I would always be his friend and in each other's lives if he still wanted.

He thought about it for a week and then said, ok, lets have kids together. I thought that meant he loved me like I did him. I thought he hung the moon and stars and, I don't know, I never imagined he didn't want that life with me, he said yes right?

Right. Wrong. The kindest man in my life was it turns out a people pleaser. He knew how protective I was of being able to make my own choices in life. He knew, he knew me.

3 children and 2 months off our 39th anniversary together I sat him down to talk. Really talk because he was quiet man. Were there red flags during those years? Absolutely. I thought it was me. why did he never reach for me first, why was it always me? why did he think me carry our child made me unattractive, he never said but I could see it. I thought a man would see the miracle, our child, growing inside me and a man would find that beautiful. So when he didn't, I thought, ok, it's me. I'm not pretty enough, skinny enought (pregnant!) I'm too strong a personality, I'm not loveable enough. Anything as long it was my fault, because the alternative was unthinkable. if I was enough, why wasn't I enough.

I worked, supported the family, paid the bills, not because I wanted to be in control, because he never took notice about that stuff. No one was going to fight for me, or even better, stand by my shoulder and fight with me.

A kind man. A great father, patient, all you could ever wish a father was, that is what he was and still is. I should also say, a very high functioning autistic man. I never knew that for years, I discovered it slowly, so slowly.

The talk. Simple, I asked direct questions about us. What I learnt was this. He thought loving me as a friend was the same as being in love. He never really desired me, I don't think sex ever meant much to him whoever it might have been in his life. When I gave him that choice all those years ago this is what he did. He sat with it. Then he made a the decision that my choice to be a single parent wasn't good and so he agreed to have children with me. He never told me, never indicated anthing at all. he let me believe he wanted it, he wanted us and a future. He didn't, not like that. He is a man that stole at a minimum 29 years of my life and truth to be told 39 years. He is a man who gave up his entire life as well, because he didn't think being a single parent was good. That's it. The whole truth.

I moved into the annex, he helped me. I still support the family, pay the bills. The house is for our kids, that was always the plan. they are high functioning autistic but two are still at home and I need my family to always have a safe place they can just be themselves in. I will continue to do this because that is who I am.

For him, nothing has really changed. The house is there, we live there only I sleep in the annex. I still do my thing and he still educates the youngest. Only difference is my sleeping/living location which is in the garden.

I have so much rage inside me and I have no where to put it. I cannot put it on him. it would be like whipping a puppy. He made a choice because he's a kind man and a people pleaser. I cannot find an outlet but I need one. Something, anything but I'm so full of hurt, rage and I feel like I'm beeing knocked to my knees everyday. I shove myself up and power through, go to work, help others because it's my job and I love it. Then I keep falling to my knees and I'm as so tired of fighting but I don't know how to be anything else after decades of fighting for everyone. I get, go down, get up and all the while the rage consumes me with nowhere to go. All I can do is write it down to release the pressure valve, that is why I'm here.

Not because I think anyone can fix me but because I need some human contact that see's me, after so many decades of not truely being seen I need just one human being to see me and say it's ok. That I'm enough. Not enough for him, I know I'm not, I just want to count somewhere on this earth and know I'm seen.

thank you for listening.

You said if he didn’t have a child with you you’d go to a sperm bank on your own? Didn’t it occur to you to just try and find a new relationship with someone who wanted children? You can’t have been that old….What an odd situation and ultimatum.

I'm not sure that is always true or fair. Often people pleasers take ON significant emotional discomfort to avoid upsetting others.

I think honesty is a good thing generally, but careless unburdening is sometimes given too much credit. I know people who hurt because they are needlessly honest and find unburdening themselves of their thoughts and feelings the easiest path.

It all depends on the circumstances.

Just a thought. Is 'careless unburdening' writing a post on MN in order to gain some relief and support?

This is a genuine question.

Edited to add last sentence.

The OP is clearly extremely distressed. I'm horrified at some of the posts here.

No. Why would that be careless?

Careless is when you have no concern for the feelings of others. I'm not sure anyone's feelings are trampled on by posting a thread seeking support.

Putting it differently, the most profoundly selfish people I know are certainly NOT people pleasers. Far from it.

You knew he didnt want kids and instead of leaving him and finding someone who did, you gave him
an ultimatum which he accepted because he didnt want to lose the relationship.

I haven’t seen any awful ones.

No one can live their life over and I agree with the PP who said most couples have a strong friendship with a bit of sex sometimes. That certainly sums up how DH and my relationship was (he got very unwell which changed the sex.)

It is a bit unusual to go to a sperm bank at 28, so I’d be interested in exploring this a bit to be honest.

I don’t understand you really and think you’d feel better with a bit of perspective. He gave you what you wanted and you’ve been fortunate to have his support while you raise the children you wanted from him.
It’s quite common for people to drift apart when the purpose of raising children fades away.
Burning up with resentment is only going to hurt you.

I agree with this.

My friend's older sister is a people pleaser. Their parents had a very acrimonious divorce and everything seemed to become an issue - which parent the children wanted to spend Christmas with, which schools they went to, which holiday they went on, needing new school shoes and which parent was going to pay etc etc. Her older sister tried to shield the younger ones from acrimony and as such learned to never rock the boat and always people please. It wasn't selfishness but an absorbing of emotional discomfort to shield others from the fallout of her speaking out. I think it would be most unfair to call her selfish. She is to this day a lovely person. I don't think you can make blanket comments about people pleasing. It depends on the motivations.

Right, I get it - I’ve had the best years of my life stolen (but in completely different circumstances)

The way you get rid (or at least mute/silence/muffle) the rage is to start rebuilding. Build the life you want.

start writing down things you enjoy, things you want to do, goals etc and then start building towards them.

Hugs

People pleasers are extremely selfish and extremely manipulative. You are never truly dealing with the real person when dealing with them. That means nothing is assured with them. It’s like learning on what looks like a wall but has no foundation. They will let you down every time. It doesn’t appear to be so because they seem to be ‘yes men’ but anytime a crunch situation arises, you’d be better off standing on your own one foot than leaning on them.

Actually, my friend's sister has been the glue that held their family above water.

ETA that doesn't mean that is true pf every people-pleaser, only that not always are they problematic.

This.

You engineered the situation in the first place.

Reading your angry with yourself imo

You asked him to make the choices and he made them, never asking him why. You chose to overlook his lack of interest in sex.

Those years weren't wasted. You had a family, a happy life, parented well together - its more than some couples cant say who are madly in love.

So now is your time. Your tome to find you. Perhaps a person who does want to jump your bones and makes you feel amazing.

So by his logic if you had framed your original ultimatum differently he would have walked?
If you had said
“I really want to have children with you, if you don’t want to then I need to find someone who does so it will be the end of our relationship”
rather than mention a sperm bank/single parenting he would have come to a different choice?
I think he would have gone on to have children with you because he loved you as much as he was capable of.
You have ended up with the children you wanted, however it sounds like you have missed out on love and affection.
If you had gone down the separation/sperm bank route there is no guarantee you would have found someone who ticked every box so I think perhaps looking at it slightly different part of the life you wanted hasn’t been stolen from you, you had your wish of children that you so wanted with a kind person.
However you absolutely should have spent your years with someone who thought you were their everything, a true team regardless of wanting children and you deserved to be with someone who truly wanted you for the person you are.
I understand you wanting to stay with the situation whilst the children are at home but I don’t think the rage will start to ease until you are living life on your own terms, putting yourself first.
I would be wary of wasting more years staying because it’s easier then upsetting the apple cart.

Is it a typical pattern for you to think and behave this way, and are you also autistic?
Both of you sound disconnected from your emotions and you seem to have quite rigid, and unusual, thought patterns around relationships.
You wanted him to see you as his moon and stars, or some such?
Yet you chose him because the apparent alternative was a sperm bank? Age 28?
And all the dramatic thinking and the blame game. He "stole" nothing you didn't freely give.
There isn't much happiness in seeing yourself as a victim of other people's choices, but there is an escape from responsibility.

wondering if we all have our own ‘love’? & maybe any love is only the tip of the iceberg, never knowing what’s underneath.

I think you have an idealised view of what marriage is usually. I think he's probably been a bit more honest as to his feelings at the time of the ultimatum but actions speak louder than words, especially with men. What have his actions been towards you and the children? I think those are the indicators of care and love. Also some people, men and women, don't have very high sex drives. None of that means he didn't love you in his own way (and as much as he would have loved anyone). I think framing it as years stolen is unhelpful to you. You have three children who have had a stable family life. Do they have a good relationship with him? People can't live a lie day to day. If he was a good father and husband that counts for a lot.

Nobody stole anything. You made a less than ideal choice of partner, but you have your children, a home and a partner who cares about you and the children . Much more than many women. And you can leave if you choose.

This is simply not true at all in my experience. On the flip side, people pleasers are often just doing what pushy, controlling people hector them into doing. Most of the time people know they don’t want to do it, - they just know they can bully them into it for their own selfish ends as it suits them.

There's some truth - and I hope also some comfort - in this OP.

Lots of relationships have been built on sexual chemistry but don't have much love in the sense of support and loyalty. I think as my friends and I get older, we know which we would value more. I realise that doesn't undo the hurt of entirely, but if you had to pick - and lots of people do, in fact - which would you prefer?

I don’t understand why you felt that, at 28, that your only options were to have children with him or to use a sperm donor and become a single mother.

You also had the option to find another man to have children with.

So either you believed this, in which case you got the better of your two options.

Or you didn’t believe it and you lied to and manipulated him.

Which ever is true, I’m not understanding why you are angry with and putting the blame on him.

But what about the children she wanted to bring into the world so desperately that she forced her partner with an ultimatum? Now, nearly forty years later, when she finally realizes the dream marriage she imagined for herself was only in her imagination, she should destroy the family she created for them so she can have sex with someone who desires her? That really would be selfish. Her partner has done nothing wrong, aside from being uninterested in sex.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Perhaps it’s because I’m from a younger generation but I see life as different stages.

Those stages cannot stay identical and I find it quite sad if they did.

You spent 39 years together where your identity was a wife and mother.
It sounds like he was a good man and father but now that stage is over.

The next stage is you finding yourself again and not just being a wife and mother.
You are an individual and now is the time to focus on yourself.

Why mourn the past when it sounded like it was a good life and your present and future sound really exciting.