39 years stolen by kindness, I don't know where to put my rage or process

[MoonSilverwing]

In June I lost 39 years of a partnership, through what turns out to be the crulest kindness I have ever experianced. Not by a bad man, a kind man, a man who loved me in his way as a friend. A man who, after 10 years together, was offered two choices, neither of which would have taken me out of his life.

We had been togther 10 years (since I was 18 and he 23) We had known each other as friends since I was 13 and he 18. At 28 I said I wanted to have children with him. I said I understood if he didn't want children (he'd said as much before) and if that was his choice then I would go to a sperm bank. However if I did the latter, then he and I couldn't be a couple anymore but I would always be his friend and in each other's lives if he still wanted.

He thought about it for a week and then said, ok, lets have kids together. I thought that meant he loved me like I did him. I thought he hung the moon and stars and, I don't know, I never imagined he didn't want that life with me, he said yes right?

Right. Wrong. The kindest man in my life was it turns out a people pleaser. He knew how protective I was of being able to make my own choices in life. He knew, he knew me.

3 children and 2 months off our 39th anniversary together I sat him down to talk. Really talk because he was quiet man. Were there red flags during those years? Absolutely. I thought it was me. why did he never reach for me first, why was it always me? why did he think me carry our child made me unattractive, he never said but I could see it. I thought a man would see the miracle, our child, growing inside me and a man would find that beautiful. So when he didn't, I thought, ok, it's me. I'm not pretty enough, skinny enought (pregnant!) I'm too strong a personality, I'm not loveable enough. Anything as long it was my fault, because the alternative was unthinkable. if I was enough, why wasn't I enough.

I worked, supported the family, paid the bills, not because I wanted to be in control, because he never took notice about that stuff. No one was going to fight for me, or even better, stand by my shoulder and fight with me.

A kind man. A great father, patient, all you could ever wish a father was, that is what he was and still is. I should also say, a very high functioning autistic man. I never knew that for years, I discovered it slowly, so slowly.

The talk. Simple, I asked direct questions about us. What I learnt was this. He thought loving me as a friend was the same as being in love. He never really desired me, I don't think sex ever meant much to him whoever it might have been in his life. When I gave him that choice all those years ago this is what he did. He sat with it. Then he made a the decision that my choice to be a single parent wasn't good and so he agreed to have children with me. He never told me, never indicated anthing at all. he let me believe he wanted it, he wanted us and a future. He didn't, not like that. He is a man that stole at a minimum 29 years of my life and truth to be told 39 years. He is a man who gave up his entire life as well, because he didn't think being a single parent was good. That's it. The whole truth.

I moved into the annex, he helped me. I still support the family, pay the bills. The house is for our kids, that was always the plan. they are high functioning autistic but two are still at home and I need my family to always have a safe place they can just be themselves in. I will continue to do this because that is who I am.

For him, nothing has really changed. The house is there, we live there only I sleep in the annex. I still do my thing and he still educates the youngest. Only difference is my sleeping/living location which is in the garden.

I have so much rage inside me and I have no where to put it. I cannot put it on him. it would be like whipping a puppy. He made a choice because he's a kind man and a people pleaser. I cannot find an outlet but I need one. Something, anything but I'm so full of hurt, rage and I feel like I'm beeing knocked to my knees everyday. I shove myself up and power through, go to work, help others because it's my job and I love it. Then I keep falling to my knees and I'm as so tired of fighting but I don't know how to be anything else after decades of fighting for everyone. I get, go down, get up and all the while the rage consumes me with nowhere to go. All I can do is write it down to release the pressure valve, that is why I'm here.

Not because I think anyone can fix me but because I need some human contact that see's me, after so many decades of not truely being seen I need just one human being to see me and say it's ok. That I'm enough. Not enough for him, I know I'm not, I just want to count somewhere on this earth and know I'm seen.

thank you for listening.

I’m sorry this has happened, it sounds devastating. It sounds like you blame him for this, branding him a people pleaser. However, maybe consider that you also wanted to believe, for your own reasons, that he wanted children? There’s a saying that the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now. This painful but honest conversation may best have been discussed before marriage, but now, you can acknowledge what you want and deserve - to feel loved, seen, and appreciated. I hope you can find that with somebody.

If Op & her husband were a couple for 10yrs before kids it's unlikely that she didn't know what he was like imo.

Are you on drugs? This story doesn’t even make any sense.

I’m sorry you are going through this. One thought that came to me (someone else may have said it already but I missed it) is that perhaps he wouldn’t have had those feelings towards anyone. Perhaps he is incapable of passionate emotional love. Therefore this is not about you in any way, it’s about him and his emotional capabilities. I know it won’t help you feel you have “wasted” 30 years but at least it’s not because you’re not thin enough or attractive enough or anything enough. You are enough - you’ve achieved so much by the sounds of it.

Being married to an autistic man, many of us are and it carries a set of positives and negatives of its own. We have a long running support group on the forum for this.

Then what is common to most long term relationships. Making compromises in what you want out of relationship. Getting older, looking back, and either choosing to look at what the good reasons were for the choices you made at the time or get depressed about what might have been if you had made other decisions.

This sounds more like a mid life crisis. You wrote honestly that he “gave up his life” for you. No one does that for a friend. He loves you deeply and loyally, but you are minimising that devotion to mere kindness.

I recommend you get counselling and look into HRT.

These thoughts are part of the mid life crisis where we look back and think what have I done with my life? Why don’t I have this or that. I would suggest that you feel that your partnership is somehow lacking because it doesn’t have the passion and romance of a film.

Most couples after 39 years are way past passion anyway. So this is more youth seeking behaviour than a lack. The rage could be peri-menopause as well so I would think about getting HRT.

Not really getting it.
You chose him, pursued him, actively asked him to be the father of your kids and stayed with him even though you could tell he didn’t fancy you that much. You got what you asked for - safe, settled, you in control.

Passionate, romantic love is risky and dangerous. You have to trust the other person. It might end badly, children might not be on the cards You didn’t want that jeopardy.

Oh get a grip.Have you no autonomy or agency in your life? You have been together for half a lifetime, and you are putting all of this on your husband? You must take some responsibility, after all that time you must have known what he was like. I’ve been married for almost thirty years, there is no way you didn’t know what you had signed up for. If you aren’t happy, do something about it, don’t just sit around sulking in the annex. Take responsibility for your own life and happiness, blaming others for your own choices will just make you bitter and miserable.

I truly believe that the person we choose to have children with is very often not the person we would choose for ourselves, and also that a love a couple has for each other is very rarely equal. I was with my first husband for 25 years while we had and raised our 4 children. Looking back we were together as a couple because we made good parents but we never had the love that I found with my second husband. Do I regret my first marriage? Not at all, we had a happy family life, ups and downs obviously but once our children had grown we had nothing in common. We are both now very happy with our second partners and although my husband says he wishes we had met years ago, deep down we both know that we might have struggled to raise children together as we are so similar 😬 I dont think that you should ever look back at things with regret, you were in that place for a reason, maybe to have your children and launch them into the world, now its your time to do what you want. And never say never to finding love, I split with my first husband and was ready to spend my remaining years pleasing myself when I was blindsided by my second husband 🥰

Bitter, sad comment. Actually, abusive.

"He gave you 3 children". No, actually, SHE gave them to him and risked her life and health to have them.

I am so sorry OP for the vile comments on here. I read somewhere online that incels and just weird men have started posting on mumsnet. or who knows, maybe they are unhappy women. But many of the replies are really kind and supportive and I really hope you find your peace. I am very sorry that this has happened to you. Take your time to recover and a new life chapter awaits.

No, they created 3 children together. These children are not possessions that are gifted or bartered for in some transactional relationship where one party is either owed by or indebted to the other. They are the children that she asked him to create with her, because if he did not she would use a sperm bank. They are children they have both dedicated themselves to raising together.

It is fine that she realises that she wants more now. But she really cannot blame and direct her anger at the man who gave her what she asked for. There has been a miscommunication of needs and expectations on both sides - had they had the conversation OP mentioned in first post twenty years ago, they might both have been free to build a different life whilst co-parenting, but they didn’t. She didn’t initiate it, choosing to simmer with resentment and disappointment in stead. No doubt he has been carrying similar feelings.

Both of them are at fault. Both have been ‘cowardly’ for want of a better word. Both are responsible for where they are now - and if OP wants to move forward free of that anger and resentment, to create the life she now wants, she needs to own this and understand what underpinned her choices. I suspect her own childhood was a huge factor. Therapy has been strongly advocated here.

Tbh, I know a fair bit about autism myself! I know the support group you mean.
Your post makes perfect sense sense and I respect your opinion . However, for me, this post is absolute codswallop. I can’t think of a nicer way of saying this.
How in earth would someone have a ‘Conversation’ like that? Why on earth would they then move into their annexe ?
I asked AI for some words to help me describe this story. It came up with : turgid, bombastic, histrionic, melodramatic, overwrought, unconvincing.
Take your pick! 🙂

The OP writes in a very flowery, dramatic way and I've re-read multiple times to try to work out what the issue is.

From what I can gather, at the age of 28 she started to feel her body clock ticking.
Spoke to her partner at the time and after a week they decided to make a deeper commitment rather than her opting to be a single mum.
This does not suggest that she was looking for a different sort of relationship, otherwise she would have left to seek that out.

Then they've had children and been in the trenches for a while with children with neuro divergence. In the meantime, her husband had been safe, steady and a good father.

this next bit is a bit of a guess but it seems like the op suddenly realised she lost herself. It's probably more common than not to come out of the period of intense parenting and not even know what makes you happy any more. You've changed in ways you haven't realised, as has your partner and theres a bit of an adjustment period and renegotiation of the relationship.

I think they is where she is now.

I don't see that either of them did anything wrong. I'm not sure why the op feels that her time has been wasted or that her husband is to blame. There are many paths we don't take in life and there is no point looking at those with rose tinted glasses.
We can all decide what story to tell ourselves about the path we did choose. One that makes us not a hapless victim of circumstance but someone with agency over our own life is probably a healthier perspective because that gives us more control over our future and decisions.

No SHE didn’t. Without him, there’d be no children, or didn’t you do biology at school? She ‘risked’ her life and health to have something SHE wanted. Your statement is actually ridiculous.

Well no, they had an equal input and he didn't even want any, she did though and he let her have them. You could say that was him giving them to her.

A divorce and find someone who notices you and appreciates you?

I think it is odd it took you 39 years to understand the dynamic between you. I imagine it would have been clear decades earlier. I think you have to accept some responsibility for your situation rather than viewing your life as having been "stolen" from you. I'm sorry you're having an awful time in the aftermath of your relationship breakdown; it's always a tough experience to go through. I'm sure you have some justifiable negativity towards your ex but you also need to find a way to recognise your part and to see where you can now find control. Externalising it all as your ex's fault will just leave you wallowing in impotent rage.

I cannot believe that people are still engaging here. OP said ages ago and thanked the people nvolved. Why are you still going? At her, rather than in her best interest? It's bizarre.

It's probably more common than not to come out of the period of intense parenting and not even know what makes you happy any more. You've changed in ways you haven't realised, as has your partner and theres a bit of an adjustment period and renegotiation of the relationship.

I think this is very true.

I also wonder where peri sits in all of this. It isn't that uncommon for women to have a kind of sexual renaissance as their body shouts last call for boarding before the train departs, and I wondered if this wasn't an aspect, as I struggle to see how there wasn't an awareness of any discrepancies on that front before now, and how it would be something she would retrospectively discover. I mean, surely it would have been a bit obvious at the time if dramatic?

Healthy, loving relationships, even sexual ones, do often lose that intense romantic focus when dc come along. It's Nature's way of focusing attention and love on the young and not disturbing and embarrassing the hell out of them by having parents drooling all over each other.

I feel as though OP has just reached a new juncture and is looking back with new demands and desires and the DH hasn't necessarily done anything wrong or inappropriate for the stage of life they were at when they were at it. Lots of men are not all doe-eyed about their wives at this point in a relationship - and sometimes it also comes back a bit a dc move on and they are alone again together. Loyalty and support and companionship are also wonderful things, and tend to be the aspects that deepen after many years together.

Why are you engaging here?
I thought OP said she wouldn’t be responding to any posts.
Why is it not in OP’s best interests to learn that this story is unconvincing? Personally, I think that’s the best help she could get..
I actually find your post pretty bizarre.
But, as they say ‘there’s nowt so queer as folks.’ 😆

That's ridiculous. She wanted them, he agreed for her sake. He seemingly would have carried on fine without being a parent. So the risks she took, it was for her own sake.

From your description it just sounds as though you both had very different ideas of what love and relationships mean and look like, and what you both want and need from them, and that you were both making certain assumptions without discussion.

My current husband had a very similar situation with his ex wife and has come to realise he’s an emotional person who likes to express love both verbally and physically, it’s important he gets that back too. However, his ex wife certainly never maliciously or intentionally deprived him of it, it’s just her wants and needs were very different to his and she wasn’t aware he was so unhappy.

I don’t know if you ever expressed any upset but you did choose to stay knowing you weren’t fulfilled and happy, so the blame can’t be put entirely on him. I don’t know how old you are but I expect young enough to experience love again if you want to, and with better knowledge of what you want and need this time. Just make sure you communicate what’s important to any potential future partner to make sure you’re on the same page.