39 years stolen by kindness, I don't know where to put my rage or process

[MoonSilverwing]

In June I lost 39 years of a partnership, through what turns out to be the crulest kindness I have ever experianced. Not by a bad man, a kind man, a man who loved me in his way as a friend. A man who, after 10 years together, was offered two choices, neither of which would have taken me out of his life.

We had been togther 10 years (since I was 18 and he 23) We had known each other as friends since I was 13 and he 18. At 28 I said I wanted to have children with him. I said I understood if he didn't want children (he'd said as much before) and if that was his choice then I would go to a sperm bank. However if I did the latter, then he and I couldn't be a couple anymore but I would always be his friend and in each other's lives if he still wanted.

He thought about it for a week and then said, ok, lets have kids together. I thought that meant he loved me like I did him. I thought he hung the moon and stars and, I don't know, I never imagined he didn't want that life with me, he said yes right?

Right. Wrong. The kindest man in my life was it turns out a people pleaser. He knew how protective I was of being able to make my own choices in life. He knew, he knew me.

3 children and 2 months off our 39th anniversary together I sat him down to talk. Really talk because he was quiet man. Were there red flags during those years? Absolutely. I thought it was me. why did he never reach for me first, why was it always me? why did he think me carry our child made me unattractive, he never said but I could see it. I thought a man would see the miracle, our child, growing inside me and a man would find that beautiful. So when he didn't, I thought, ok, it's me. I'm not pretty enough, skinny enought (pregnant!) I'm too strong a personality, I'm not loveable enough. Anything as long it was my fault, because the alternative was unthinkable. if I was enough, why wasn't I enough.

I worked, supported the family, paid the bills, not because I wanted to be in control, because he never took notice about that stuff. No one was going to fight for me, or even better, stand by my shoulder and fight with me.

A kind man. A great father, patient, all you could ever wish a father was, that is what he was and still is. I should also say, a very high functioning autistic man. I never knew that for years, I discovered it slowly, so slowly.

The talk. Simple, I asked direct questions about us. What I learnt was this. He thought loving me as a friend was the same as being in love. He never really desired me, I don't think sex ever meant much to him whoever it might have been in his life. When I gave him that choice all those years ago this is what he did. He sat with it. Then he made a the decision that my choice to be a single parent wasn't good and so he agreed to have children with me. He never told me, never indicated anthing at all. he let me believe he wanted it, he wanted us and a future. He didn't, not like that. He is a man that stole at a minimum 29 years of my life and truth to be told 39 years. He is a man who gave up his entire life as well, because he didn't think being a single parent was good. That's it. The whole truth.

I moved into the annex, he helped me. I still support the family, pay the bills. The house is for our kids, that was always the plan. they are high functioning autistic but two are still at home and I need my family to always have a safe place they can just be themselves in. I will continue to do this because that is who I am.

For him, nothing has really changed. The house is there, we live there only I sleep in the annex. I still do my thing and he still educates the youngest. Only difference is my sleeping/living location which is in the garden.

I have so much rage inside me and I have no where to put it. I cannot put it on him. it would be like whipping a puppy. He made a choice because he's a kind man and a people pleaser. I cannot find an outlet but I need one. Something, anything but I'm so full of hurt, rage and I feel like I'm beeing knocked to my knees everyday. I shove myself up and power through, go to work, help others because it's my job and I love it. Then I keep falling to my knees and I'm as so tired of fighting but I don't know how to be anything else after decades of fighting for everyone. I get, go down, get up and all the while the rage consumes me with nowhere to go. All I can do is write it down to release the pressure valve, that is why I'm here.

Not because I think anyone can fix me but because I need some human contact that see's me, after so many decades of not truely being seen I need just one human being to see me and say it's ok. That I'm enough. Not enough for him, I know I'm not, I just want to count somewhere on this earth and know I'm seen.

thank you for listening.

Oh OP , I can feel the hurt through the page.
I would second what the first post suggests Therapy. Go for talk therapy where you can really work through your feelings it can help you sort through emotions and work towards what you want your future to look like make a plan etc

People love in different ways. Sometimes people don't have a massive capacity for the type of love you want, but they still love you in their way. Sometimes people don't realise that they are struggling to continue to carry the burden of not being loved in the way they want to be. I don't think he misled or deceived you at any point?

It also sounds like you are angry that your life has been spent this way but you chose that - not actively, but with every day that slipped into history when you did nothing and chose not to face the truth about how he loves you. Well now you've reached that point and can make the time you have left different?

Lots of people don't have the "happy ever after" but they still find joy in what life still has to offer, even as a middle aged or older person.

nothing was stolen from you, you did this all to yourself. if you wanted to see the truth it you would have seen it, but you only wanted to see what you wanted to exist.
Your rage at him is probably anger at yourself but you are misdirecting it because you again can’t acknowledge the reality.

this is very immature behaviour, you need some therapy to understand your own agency and the fact that you have choices and you have power - but with this agency comes responsibility for your own choices in life

I can see why you are angry- but in truth you knew all along he does not feel about children like you do.
You let you desire for children override your common sense, and that's on you. Having 3 children with a man who didn't want them is not very intelligent- you must have seen at the first that he was not into it, but you kept having them and kept hoping you were wrong.
Your partner clearly is a people pleaser who hates conflict- but you knew that from the first, so why would you impose a life on him that he clearly stated he didn't want- I think he has as much right,or more to be angry, as you do.

There was no malice

of all your children are autistic it is good to remember that this is a hereditary trait and your husband may well be on the spectrum too (or yourself), the conversation you had sounds like it was very odd in a way that you both take things very literally

obviously he did not not love you, love has many forms

@MoonSilverwing I find your post confusing. Did AI write it?
What exactly has been stolen from you?
You were in a long term relationship. Your conditions for continuing the relationship were to have children with him.
He considered and agreed. You've had three children with him. He's been a good father and some sort of partner if not your ideal.
So it might not have been the hearts and flowers romance, madly in love relationship that you now seem to be so upset about but you got what you wanted, didn’t you?
But after 39 years that's not enough. Of course you can want more, change your mind, end the relationship.
But what has he stolen?

You need to get support through a trained therapist who understands neurodivergence. He will be autistic. He loves you in the way he can love anyone. He has not betrayed you, but he has a very different mind to you and does not process the world in the same way you do. It’s ok for you to say that’s not enough but with support you may realise that his care for you has huge value and wasn’t lesser just because it was different

I’m finding the writing style incredibly overwrought and dramatic and actually a barrier to understanding the real issues. All the “ falling to my knees “ etc makes me a bit suspicious about the type of person you are. That may be a mistake on my behalf but you’re coming across as a martyr if nothing else. If he hasn’t worked the entire 39 years and you’ve been running around paying all the bills then I’m not surprised that you’re pissed off but that doesn’t seem to be the nature of the complaint. Why has it taken this time to have the heart to heart? You’re three children deep by now but I think the time for these questions was when you were 28.

This must be like grieving whilst the person is still alive. Grieving the past, the present and future and that's a whole lot of hurt OP.

I would treat myself to some lovely things for my annex (I love candles and indoor plants) making it my own. New bedding, new book ect.
I would also buy a writing pad and get all my feelings down on paper. That way, it's out there. It's been spent. Sending you lots of love OP 💐

I posted before I even read the whole thread.

you already know he’s autistic. Have you not worked together on the problem of “double empathy” ?

You can have a better relationship - if you wanted to save it - if you have therapy together that is ND affirmative and if you both work at bridging the difference gap.

I wouldn’t take what he is saying about the past as being the truth tbh. Many people reinvent the past at times like this - I have a friend who’s ex husband has told their children that he never loved their mother and married her because she cornered him into. I think he believes it or has convinced himself to justify him destroying their marriage. It isn’t remotely true.
i suspect there was at least ambiguity in his views and he didn’t think he was doing this just to keep you happy - it just suits his internal narrative to believe it now

This is also a good point, but it’s worth adding that for autistic people it is the only way they can actually function in society - so it’s not selfishness per se, it’s a survival mechanism

I can be quite dramatic, or maybe was in years gone by, and it doesn’t serve you.
You wanted children more than you wanted him. He will have known that. He clearly has some kind of attachment to you, so he’s agreed to have them.
So no talk of theft. He could feel the same, that he just wanted a relationship with you, but the talk of sperm donors forced his hand.
Nobody has stolen anything. You should have let him go when you knew you wanted children and you knew he didn’t.
You must take responsibility for that.
Your feelings about everything run deep and his don’t - you are not compatible.
But you have built a life and had children and he’s a good dad. Be grateful for those years and gifts.
It is now your time. I think you must be in your 50’s and that’s a very reflective time. You assess where you’ve been and where you are now.
Forget about sympathy from families and falling to your knees.
Think about you. Go on your holiday. Start thinking about your future and not why a highly autistic man didn’t find you attractive when pregnant.
You are breaking your own heart.
Get practical. At some point you can decide whether staying in the annexe is going to serve you. But you don’t have to make that decision yet.
Go to therapy if you can but also have an eye on the future. And a word of warning. Don’t go seeking romance elsewhere just yet, you are not ready. You need to spend time with yourself.
This man has probably loved you as best as he could. Take heart from that.
But know your future is still waiting for you and there is so much more to life than rear view regrets.

I’m not sure I really see this issue here. He loved you in the best way he could - but that wasn’t enough for you. This isn’t about you not being good enough for him - he chose to dedicate his life to you, give you children which you very much wanted, didn’t want you to have the struggle of being a single parent. That was how he loved you. And because he wasn’t a passionate, tactile lover you now see that as having thrown your life away.

You knew how he operated in the relationship and were still happy to continue it for 39 (!) years. At no point did you stop and think “I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who loves me this way”.

It isn’t just because he didn’t want you to be a single parent, there are millions of other single parents he could have “saved” from that life - but he didn’t, he chose you. He was in a relationship with you before that conversation - why was that? Presumably because he loved you and not because you might end up a single parent one day. He’s been an incredible father you say, so again he’s absolutely stepped up to the plate in that way.

I think this sounds like a breakdown in communication and I’d be recommending couples counselling if you want it to work. It’s fine if you don’t want it to work, but I think you might be framing your grief at the relationship not being what you wanted in the wrong way, displacing anger you have at yourself and generally just being at the anger stage of grief.

This is so interesting and I am sorry for how you feel. I think it can only really be resolved through some counselling for you. I think you need to make sense of your life and your choices, and hopefully find peace with it.

What lept out at me was your question to him all those years ago. Before I even read he was autistic, I knew he would be. I have an autistic exh, an autistic son and work with lots of autistic people. It's had a big impact on my life. Without derailing onto my own experience, I just found your question extraordinary.

On some level, I think you understood he was 'different'. The phrasing of the question/ultimatum was so practical, almost clinical. I would have thought the usual response to one partner being clear they do not want children and the other really does, is either acceptance that the partnership is enough or the desire for children is overwhelming so you choose to try and find someone who does want them.

Your 'option B' wasn't that you might find someone else, it was 'go to a sperm bank'. You obviously loved him so much that you wanted to keep him (even as a friend) and have babies. You heard what you wanted to hear. You took his practical response to a practical question as him matching your feelings.

The sense of having a life stolen is deeply sad. I had 14 years with my ex until I realised he did not love me and probably never really had. Some of that was tangled in abuse and other factors so won't go there, but I do think therapy is essential for you. You need to be heard and understood. You've not had that. His family are possibly autistic too, so they won't give you that hug, that concern or validation.

Once, fairly early in my own relationship with exh, I was very unhappy in my job and had the opportunity to move away to another city. I asked what he'd do and he said without hesitation that he'd come with me. I took that as romantic and committed. I felt loved and secure. I projected onto it what I needed and wanted. I now know that his response was an honest, practical one. He did what was best for him. I was offering something he wanted. Security and love. He didn't really reciprocate in the way I thought. I do think he loved me in some way at some point in our relationship, but it was always self interested. I think it was a mirror. He wanted my love and so he 'loved me back'.

Italy sounds an absolutely wonderful thing for you to do. That's so exciting that you have recognised and responded to your needs.

Even NT people who people please are not always being selfish.

The more I think about it, the more I think criticising behaviour because it is motivated by a desire to avoid feeling bad in yourself about how you treat others is, taken to it's logical end point, to disavow moral conscience as a valid means of governing your behaviour.

I think it's a conceit or conceptual sleight of hand to justify the fashion for genuinely self-serving behaviour.

And yes, op, Italy sounds a fabulous salve (up to a point). How about also starting another thread with ideas and advice about that. Few places are more uplifting and nourishing to the soul, and I hope you can put together something really wonderful.

I think op, try to really lean into a new phase of your life where you put your needs first. I lost a chunk of my life to my exH and now I'm a carer for a DC with SEN and it is galling how many women lose decades in selfless care giving role.

I came out of my marriage I didn't remember what music I liked to listen to, what hobbies I liked...I had to start almost from the beginning

Why are you in the annex?! Chuck him out there!!!

This is why id never have that convo with my husband. Married 35 years. I was told by a friend a couple of years in that he never wanted to marry me. Ive just kept on.
Who knows? Is he high functioning autistic too?

I'm also in long term marriage to a very high functioning autistic man who sounds extremely similar to yours.

There are far worse people to have had a relationship with than a kind and dependable person.

I think it's important to realise that you made choices along the way to accept what he could offer you at the time. It doesn't sound like he ever pretended to be more than he was. You might need some counselling to come to terms with that, and I would urge you to seek that out. In my area you can self refer for 6 sessions of Talking Therapy.

From 10 years further on than you, my advice is that if your relationship has run its course, and certainly if he is also older than you, end it NOW. Because if you wait and he becomes ill and needs support you may find yourself trapped by the guilt of abandoning him when he needs you. And that is a far worse position than you are in right now.

I hope you find a way forward.

Completely relate to that. I remember the start of counselling and saying exactly that. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what I want. I didn't know how to recognise my own needs anymore.

It was good... starting small ... Listening to music I loved, eating the food I liked .. cooking and nature and music etc.

Why are you in the annex?! Chuck him out there!!!

Why should either be there?

Op has decided to move there!

Dear OP. I hope you are OK. I think the rage is due to years of self denial. 2 autistic children (and a husband) is a lot to handle emotionally. I have one at home at 21 and it's challenging.

You have craved connection and maybe not been able to have it, especially if the one NT person in your house has moved out. I think you may be depressed. It always manifests as rage for me, and it's very studying to see good things either at that point. I think peri menopause has made the rage worse. I take anti depressants and that helps take edge off it. Also trying to make connect with people including DH, have proper talks. We also sleep apart due to his snoring and it does take a toll on your connection, then mental health.

One thing which has helped me feel more compassion for DH is to imagine how I would want DS1's wife to treat him. DS1 (high functioning autistic) is very similar to DH in many ways. All the things which drive me nuts about DH (insecurity, defensiveness, anxiety and the controlling behaviour which stems from those things) are very much part of DS1 as well - but it's easier to love him as he is my child and have compassion as he is my son. To be honest, DH has done really well to be married and a father as I can't currently envisage that for DS1 (21).

I hope you can find some peace and refreshment in your time away. I wouldn't rule out medication. And remember there have no doubt been very many happy memories and special time over the years.

This is such a beautiful, thoughtful and considered response. Great advice here.