39 years stolen by kindness, I don't know where to put my rage or process

[MoonSilverwing]

In June I lost 39 years of a partnership, through what turns out to be the crulest kindness I have ever experianced. Not by a bad man, a kind man, a man who loved me in his way as a friend. A man who, after 10 years together, was offered two choices, neither of which would have taken me out of his life.

We had been togther 10 years (since I was 18 and he 23) We had known each other as friends since I was 13 and he 18. At 28 I said I wanted to have children with him. I said I understood if he didn't want children (he'd said as much before) and if that was his choice then I would go to a sperm bank. However if I did the latter, then he and I couldn't be a couple anymore but I would always be his friend and in each other's lives if he still wanted.

He thought about it for a week and then said, ok, lets have kids together. I thought that meant he loved me like I did him. I thought he hung the moon and stars and, I don't know, I never imagined he didn't want that life with me, he said yes right?

Right. Wrong. The kindest man in my life was it turns out a people pleaser. He knew how protective I was of being able to make my own choices in life. He knew, he knew me.

3 children and 2 months off our 39th anniversary together I sat him down to talk. Really talk because he was quiet man. Were there red flags during those years? Absolutely. I thought it was me. why did he never reach for me first, why was it always me? why did he think me carry our child made me unattractive, he never said but I could see it. I thought a man would see the miracle, our child, growing inside me and a man would find that beautiful. So when he didn't, I thought, ok, it's me. I'm not pretty enough, skinny enought (pregnant!) I'm too strong a personality, I'm not loveable enough. Anything as long it was my fault, because the alternative was unthinkable. if I was enough, why wasn't I enough.

I worked, supported the family, paid the bills, not because I wanted to be in control, because he never took notice about that stuff. No one was going to fight for me, or even better, stand by my shoulder and fight with me.

A kind man. A great father, patient, all you could ever wish a father was, that is what he was and still is. I should also say, a very high functioning autistic man. I never knew that for years, I discovered it slowly, so slowly.

The talk. Simple, I asked direct questions about us. What I learnt was this. He thought loving me as a friend was the same as being in love. He never really desired me, I don't think sex ever meant much to him whoever it might have been in his life. When I gave him that choice all those years ago this is what he did. He sat with it. Then he made a the decision that my choice to be a single parent wasn't good and so he agreed to have children with me. He never told me, never indicated anthing at all. he let me believe he wanted it, he wanted us and a future. He didn't, not like that. He is a man that stole at a minimum 29 years of my life and truth to be told 39 years. He is a man who gave up his entire life as well, because he didn't think being a single parent was good. That's it. The whole truth.

I moved into the annex, he helped me. I still support the family, pay the bills. The house is for our kids, that was always the plan. they are high functioning autistic but two are still at home and I need my family to always have a safe place they can just be themselves in. I will continue to do this because that is who I am.

For him, nothing has really changed. The house is there, we live there only I sleep in the annex. I still do my thing and he still educates the youngest. Only difference is my sleeping/living location which is in the garden.

I have so much rage inside me and I have no where to put it. I cannot put it on him. it would be like whipping a puppy. He made a choice because he's a kind man and a people pleaser. I cannot find an outlet but I need one. Something, anything but I'm so full of hurt, rage and I feel like I'm beeing knocked to my knees everyday. I shove myself up and power through, go to work, help others because it's my job and I love it. Then I keep falling to my knees and I'm as so tired of fighting but I don't know how to be anything else after decades of fighting for everyone. I get, go down, get up and all the while the rage consumes me with nowhere to go. All I can do is write it down to release the pressure valve, that is why I'm here.

Not because I think anyone can fix me but because I need some human contact that see's me, after so many decades of not truely being seen I need just one human being to see me and say it's ok. That I'm enough. Not enough for him, I know I'm not, I just want to count somewhere on this earth and know I'm seen.

thank you for listening.

You issued an ultimatum; rarely do they work out well.

There's a lot in here and I think you should see a counsellor to unpack the layers.

You gave your DP a choice and - in his ND way - he took it literally. He didn't look for nuance because that's not how he works. So he made a pragmatic choice and went for the relationship and kids option. If you'd drilled into whether he loved you in the way you needed to be loved, you might have realised decades ago that there was a mismatch. But he answered the question he heard you asking and you heard what you wanted to hear.

You think he tricked you. I see a man who loved you in his unique way.

I'm puzzled by what happened next. You describe running yourself ragged for decades. Decades in which you had the choice to have a conversation with him, to try to improve things, to leave. Difficult choices, but choices nevertheless. He never forced you to stay.

Living with a ND partner brings all sorts of challenges. But don't write off 40 years as a loveless marriage. He just shows (and feels) love in different ways. If those ways don't work for you, of course it's your prerogative to leave.

And FWIW I strongly suspect your SiLs are ND too.

There is a certain type of ASD that is essentially a personality disorder.

It was what has been white washed over in the last few decades but was widely acknowledged before then, complete lack of empathy, complete inability to connect emotionally and the extensive masking means you are dealing with a fully false self all of the time.

Having been at the end of it from a parent and seeing other family members at the end of it, it is more or less exactly as you describe.

I only briefly saw mention of Cassandra syndrome and it captures the dynamics incredibly well.

You can see from your writing that you are a very positive, forgiving, accepting, hopeful person. It appears that you sought to smooth and accommodate the huge gaps in your relationship over decades but no matter what your life wasn’t a lie, you were true and honest and hopeful, you were being as real as you could be but you were not getting real back.

I’d imagine a lifetime of masking that will continue right to the end blocked any hope or semblance of real you could have gotten.

You are still you though, life is still out there to be lived, you will get through this phase.

I understand your feelings, but have you considered the issues and how autism impacts communication and emotions? I’m not teaching ‘granny to suck eggs’ but trying to see the issues through the ASD lens can be very helpful.
wishing you the very best of luck ❤️

I agree with what's been said, you haven't had anything stolen from you. The problem with dreaming of what might have been, is most people go for the best case scenario. In truth you could have left and never had children. Or been a single parent, which is tough, only had one child and things certainly wouldn't have been as good as your married life has been. People lie, you could have many tales of abusive/exploitative relationships. Or you might have found someone who passionately loved you, but might not have loved your child. Been widowed young (which I was). Or your DP suffering poor health and not have the capacity to love you as you want. So are you now around 57? It's common to start examining your life, because you become conscious of time running out. I know it's something I've been doing. I'm now planning what I want my future to look like, there's realistic wish list destinations and weight lifting (so I can volunteer with a horse charity). I don't think the average 60 year old man, is going to give you the passion you want. You've got a fantastic friend in your DH, who loves your children and will love any possibile grandchildren, like you do. He is kind, he is stable. Take comfort in that. Do some talking therapy to assess if this isn't just, getting older, anxiety.

Your sister – Good People? You Think? I don't

I was tempted to post that the OP’s DH sounds as though he may be autistic and that he has clearly tried to show/do love within the range of his ability.

I also think as @SleeplessRoads comments above that OP chose this life - having been raised by a single mother with no real model of what a balanced marriage looks like, she opted for security with a partner who loved her in his way, was seemingly not abusive or unfaithful (just limited), a partner who was reliable and has stood by her and her children all this time. I think directing anger at a husband who has been constant and consistent while she has simmered with loneliness for 39 years really is displacing the anger - OP chose to stay despite the lack of emotional intimacy because, at the time, it was the best thing for her children and therefore her.

This man has also been shortchanged, though, hasn’t he? He’s been ‘settled for’ in exchange for children, been accepted in a transactional relationship which OP negotiated and then maintained. She doesn’t talk of any feelings of love or passion for him, does she? Even if he is autistic, he might have had the chance of a partner who wanted him for him, just as he is, but her drive to have children and the decision to accept his offer also deprived him of a more fulfilling relationship. She is as responsible for the marriage and the disappointment she now feels as he is, and for also failing him. OP is as much the ‘thief’ as her kind partner.

I think marriage counselling might be useful, but only if OP understands that this is a situation that she constructed jointly with her DP not one that was imposed upon her. DH’s kindness is not the issue here - but OP’s failure to realise sooner that her needs encompassed more than a deep desire to have children and create the family unit/home she never had. It is because those children no longer need her that she has found herself in an emotional desert, not because DH has changed or failed her.

I'm really struggling to understand your post, or what the problem is?

"There is a certain type of ASD that is essentially a personality disorder.
It was what has been white washed over in the last few decades but was widely acknowledged before then, complete lack of empathy, complete inability to connect emotionally and the extensive masking means you are dealing with a fully false self all of the time."
He empathised with her need to have children and he is a good father. Very few men of his age, mask well. The OP admits she ignored all of the red flags. I agree that there are people who have Autism that recognise that relationships aren't for them, or aren't needed, my DD is one. Thankfully society doesn't push people into relationships anymore. If the drive to have children isn't there, why put yourself through it, when you don't feel loneliness? If you don't understand the deep emotional connection felt by NTs, then it's easy to mistake feelings of friendship with romantic love.

I've just come out of a 31 year marriage, and I agree, a whole lifetime slipping away, and now I'm single at 56, while he's launched straight into a new relationship. Well, I think that relationship was the catalyst that ended the marriage. I wish I'd ended it ten years ago when we both thought we should, and yet we plodded on...

You gave him an ultimatum and he made his choice. He then went on to be a fantastic father to your DCs and a loyal partner to you. You have now decided that the way he feels about you isn't how you think he should feel about you so you've chosen to move into the annex.

What, exactly, do you think he's stolen from you?

i do understand it’s hugely upsetting and agree with PPs you need to take time to process it, let yourself grieve and get to a place where you can make long-term plans.

I would say though that this doesn’t just happen because of people-pleasing or ND - loads of women realise they’re with a man who isn’t who they thought he was and that it wasn’t the love story they thought they’d been living. Some are cheaters, some have huge secret debts, some have a secret fetish or illegal behaviour or whatever. I’m not saying you should therefore just get over it, more that lots of women (including many MNers) have been through similar and we know there’s life and happiness on the other side.

I thought I fell in love with my ex and that he was this wonderful funny nice person. It was in fact a persona and all about his self-image - his actual behaviour to me was selfish lazy and passive-aggressive. It took me decades and 2 DC to get that he wasn’t actually that nice guy and wasn’t going to change however much I tried to get through to him. But honestly, it wasn’t all wasted time. That was decades of my life, with many other aspects - kids, friends, hobbies, career, millions of small things that made me happy etc. Yes I have to accept my relationship didn’t work out and i haven’t had that love some people have. But I have accepted that and I love being single. I even get on better with my ex now. You can and will get back on an even keel.

Indeed - current research is challenging the perception of empathy deficit in people with ASD. The inability to express it or show it does not mean it is not felt. Often the detached affect shown by autistic people is, in fact, a fight/freeze response because they feel it too much, are overwhelmed with emotion, but cannot filter and process it. ASD is, at its most basic level, a communication and cognitive processing disorder. The ‘lack of empathy’ narrative is both out of date and very damaging. Empathy abounds in my extended family, along with ters of devastation when it becomes difficult to process.

https://www.autism.org.uk/learn/knowledge-hub/professional-practice/autism-and-empathy

But this may be a digression from the thread as, despite suspecting it may explain OP’s DH, we don’t actually know that he has an ASC.

I kind of agree tbh. He thought the way he loved you was the right way by the sounds of it, he wasn't conciously trying to deceive you. By your own words, he has been the kindest man you knew, a good husband and father.

You want more, want different, and that's fine. But I can't see how you can be angry with him, or feel he has stolen anything from you. If anything, he could argue that you knew who he was and chose to be with him, assuming that was what you wanted, and now be utterly bewildered as to why you're now angry with him for it.

It appears he has been forced to endure the same lie as you.

I disagree

You both had choices

You could both have ended the relationship after the first child

You could both have gone on holidays seperately or together

Still living in the same property seems to be complicating things further

Why not divorce & go your seperate ways ?

What was it that forced the issue after all this time?

This will be an inside job. You are the only person who can make you feel enough because you already are enough, another's judgement doesnt change that. Get some therapy fir yourself to work through this start putting yourself first.

"But he didn't steal 39 years of your life, nor you his. He gave you 3 children, companionship, love, security and stability."

I agree with the poster who said this- I think we all have degrees of thinking we did the wrong thing, had the wrong partner.
It's also probably not as cut and dried as he makes it sound- humans are messy and sometimes we just kind of lope along with stuff- especially in relationships with kids, we're just fire-fighting never mind the luxury of navel gazing and addressing imperfect things.
Plus you did give him an ultimatum re children and he responded.
It's wonderful that you say he's a great father. Your solution of the sperm bank would have brought children into the world who would never have known one of their parents- I'm afraid I think that's rather a selfish thing to do.
So overall, I honestly don't think your life has been wasted and you are young. It doesn't mean you carry on with him but please don't feel your life has been wasted thus far- it's easy to colour the past with how you feel now.

He really should have walked when faced with that.

I completely agree with every word. My hope for her partner would be that his own autistic inward focus has prevented him from realising what he himself might have been missing.

This was a contract between two people. He fulfilled his side within his capabilities.

It's fine to leave him in order to find oneself. It's not fine to stay and hold it against him that he can't deliver what's now needed.

But the onus is placed back on him, then isn’t it? He is dammed because he stayed all these years and would have been dammed if he had abandoned her at any point, including now - perfect evasion of taking personal responsibility for one’s own choices?

im not sure what has been stolen from you, you got the life you wanted. You’ve had 39 years but sometimes relationships run their course,

this is now your time to do things for you, enjoy your trip, have your days out, meet up with friends etc.

Thank you - I am sad for them both but hope at some point they can recognise what they achieved together (a family, stable life) and realise that there is still scope to live a different life even now, perhaps apart.

I don't think he should have been damned for leaving because he didn't want kids.

That seemed tohave been his position all along.