He's just hit me and has been arrested

[maaataa]

He has a history of depression and DV. He's thinks he's neurodiverse too. Two children involved. We started the divorce process after the new year with him going into detail why he hates me and he fantasises I die a slow and painful death. I haven't pressed charges previously as I need his income to cover the household expenses and him getting a conviction would end his career and put the financial burden on me- selfish I know. Anyway, he's been looking for a fight all weekend and this evening, in front of the Dc, he kicked and punched me after a perceived slight. I'm still in shock but the police arrived and it was his word against mine- he called them telling them I'd hit him first (I pushed him away as he first went for me). My worry now is the children's mental health and finances. What's going to happen? He's in a new job after a period of unemployment and I almost killed myself working two jobs. Im so so scared. His arrest also means, my own job is affected as I'll have to start work late after dropping kids off (I already work flexible and leave early and make up that time in the evenings). Wtf am I going to do?!

No family (parents dead and siblings estranged in a different part of the country). I'm shit scared.

The mortgage lender has recommended I contact citizens advice- just tried to book an appointment and their web form isn’t working.

I know you’re tired of fighting, the responsibility always falling on your shoulders and the lack of support for victims of domestic abuse once you actually leave an abusive relationship. Your feelings are valid and it’s absolutely not fair that you now are effectively being punished further for the actions of this piss poor excuse for a human. I promise though that things will get better and you won’t feel like this forever. Remember the strength that you utilised to survive in the relationship and try to reconnect to it.

Keep trying. It may be less busy later.

Did the mortgage company offer to put you on interest only for now or at least reduce the payments?

@maaataa you are pushing your way through this hell please keep pushing.

Have you tried contacting your health visitor for support. They should be able to refer you to a good bank. You really need to access one for support there is no shame in it
Have you anything at all you can sell to keep you going? Somewhere like Facebook marketplace is great for selling bundles of kids clothes/toys etc and buyers can collect.
Ring your mortgage company again and ask for a payment holiday.💐

Just on the phone with the National Debt Helpline- hoping I get some relief through them.

I’ve recently sold some furniture on eBay and made £120! I haven’t got the energy to sell the children’s clothes at present- I’m barely functioning. Once I’m off the call from the NDH, I’ll call the mortgage lender and ask if there’s a short term option for me to make reduced payments but not fall into arrears. Ive just gone through some calculations and the bastard is currently paying the gas/electric/water/council tax and weekend food drop which is probably costing him £500 max on his £6500-£7500 salary vs me paying £2300 for the mortgage, £180 for the children’s clubs, £350 travel, £250 credit card and £340 windows repayment, plus £150 a month for food top-ups on my £3200 monthly salary! No wonder I’m fucking stressed- I’m drowning financially.

Do you have a local facebook page - that you can post on anon ?

there are 2 where i live, and a regular question is food banks - where and when they are open. some do not need a referral from any organisation, you just go along. they do seem to have restricted hours and days tho.

I also know there is a social supermarket held in a community center, where I believe you pay x amount to join, then pay x amount for all the shopping. x amount is not high but high enough if you have £0.

The windows repayment needs a payment break too. You need to tell them the full story and maybe extend your payment plan but just ask for a pause because of circumstances.x

I’ve read all of your posts OP but not others so might have been suggested before but…

Considering how he behaves towards you in your home, and then lies about it, I would seriously consider getting a Nanny cam to hide. If nothing else, if he is violent toward you again you will have video evidence. At worst you have proof that he sits there like the stupid fucking DUD he is doing nothing and provoking you, so when he sends his nasty wee emails you have video evidence hidden in your pocket you can reveal in court which will make him look stupid. I read a case recently where this happened and the bastard blokes lawyer had to withdraw because he had lied to his lawyer about everything and made him look stupid in front of the judge!!

I know £30 is expensive when you are on your knees but it is an investment in you and your children’s safety.

Just spoken to the solicitor recommended by the IDVA- her charges are £250 plus VAT per hour. Said I can’t make him pay for ANYTHING but she recommends I apply for financial proceedings to let the court decide on financial matters.

re: him breaching the court’s undertakings not to enter the property without my permission, she recommends I contact the police in the first instance and then file form D11 to the court to review the matter. That’s another £295+ that will cost me. wtf is happening and why is this so hard?! I’ve just had another ugly cry.

Police will be paying me a visit on Friday to discuss everything. I wish I could wake up from this horrid nightmare.

On the phone to the mortgage lender now…

The costs incurring are horrendous. There used to be support for victims of DV.

Martin Lewis's website is very good for factual advice or contact citizens advice again.
Go through all your bank payments and cancel anything unnecessary. Speak to anybody to ask for payment breaks.

Did you have any luck with the mortgage company?

Mortgage lender has just called after my chat with them yesterday and they’re willing to put me on an interest only payment plan for the next payment and to call them back if I want that extended. They’ll ’free up’ about £900 which I can then use to make a court application for financial maintenance. Still have my credit card and Windows finance company to call.

I went into work today- first time in weeks. The training was about safeguarding children and one of the things they spoke about was DV and the support available for families. I wanted to scream and shout and tell them they were fucking liars.

I'm so pleased you have a little headroom financially. Hopefully this means you can get a financial order soon.

Well done for getting into work for the training. I don't know how you didn't scream at them. Keep going they have to help you in this nightmare.💐

OP can I ask where you're based? If you're in London I might be able to help. Please please apply to the locals food bank-don't be proud, so many people need it even if they are in work and there's no judgement. Have you tried the Olio and Too Good to Go apps? You can get food through them
(sorry if that's been suggested) I am desperately sorry you are going through this.

I googled financial assistance for people escaping DV and I think there is support if you can get an agency to refer you. Maybe the police who you have been dealing with could. This is still financial abuse and I implore you to lay your cards on the table to a charity. You should not be in a position where you can't afford transport. Not going on at you but now is not a time to not speak out for yourself charities would not want you to be suffering any further at this point.

@Luddite26all the people I’ve been in touch with are aware of what’s happened and continues to happen (police, GP, children’s school/nursery, IDVA, children’s social care team [they have a full history of similar events from the past] and, the CMS, the mortgage company and the national debt helpline) but not once has anyone recommended or offered any sort of practical advice- I keep getting fucking ‘signposted’ to different services and have to start again. I spoke to the lawyer recommended by the IDVA who told me there was no way anyone could enforce STBEx to give me money- unless I went and enforced a financial maintenance order through the court which would cost me £2000 plus VAT. I haven’t got money for the basics atm let alone eye watering amounts like that. She told me I wouldn’t qualify for legal aid because of my income (£3200 net) but that she’d put an application in for it anyway but for me not to hold my breath that I’d get it! The IDVA has disappeared and hasn’t been in touch despite me asking for a callback. It’s all shit.

We’re a ‘first world’ country on paper only. All these services exist at face value only- scratch the surface and there’s nothing of substance there. People do their jobs and go home and they seem to be happy with that. The amount of times I’ve heard “there’s nothing more we can do” before being signposted to another service is shocking.

@WanderingDreamingSpiresas a person of (limited atm) faith- I send genuine prayers your way for health, happiness and success for being willing to help me. Thank you but I need help getting free legal advice which I know doesn’t exist- I just see a long and bumpy road ahead with a million potholes I’ll have to navigate.

I’ll check out the apps you’ve recommended. X

Update from CMS manager who I requested a callback from yesterday: STBEx rang them on 13/03 and asked that they put down his work address as his registered address. CMS is not sure they can do this as they need a registered residential address for him. I’ve asked if it’s an option for them to send any correspondence to my address since that’s the address that’s being returned as his address following their credit, DVLA checks, etc. They said they weren’t sure that could be done as he’s no longer living here 🙈 said they’d get back to me once they’d checked with their manager what the next steps should be. One step forward, two back… I get paid tomorrow. I’m so fucking excited!!! I’ll put some money aside for a softplay session and cake with my DC next weekend- I’ve not had any money to do anything fun or enjoyable with them other than what’s available at home.

I'm so sorry that you're being pushed around like this. It must be infuriating.

Are you able to claim UC?

This is financial abuse in his part and I suspect it will carry on as long as he has a financial obligation to you.

We're here. I know it's not practical support, but we are here when you need to vent.

I'm sorry if I came across patronising I have read all your posts and have read how you are blocked at every turn. Surviving Economic Abuse was the website I was looking at.

I picked this card up recently in Citizens Advice Bureau. Wonder if they might be able to help https://www.flows.org.uk/

Have you tried these people?

weareadvocate.org.uk