He's just hit me and has been arrested

[maaataa]

He has a history of depression and DV. He's thinks he's neurodiverse too. Two children involved. We started the divorce process after the new year with him going into detail why he hates me and he fantasises I die a slow and painful death. I haven't pressed charges previously as I need his income to cover the household expenses and him getting a conviction would end his career and put the financial burden on me- selfish I know. Anyway, he's been looking for a fight all weekend and this evening, in front of the Dc, he kicked and punched me after a perceived slight. I'm still in shock but the police arrived and it was his word against mine- he called them telling them I'd hit him first (I pushed him away as he first went for me). My worry now is the children's mental health and finances. What's going to happen? He's in a new job after a period of unemployment and I almost killed myself working two jobs. Im so so scared. His arrest also means, my own job is affected as I'll have to start work late after dropping kids off (I already work flexible and leave early and make up that time in the evenings). Wtf am I going to do?!

No family (parents dead and siblings estranged in a different part of the country). I'm shit scared.

My friend went through this .. even though they had his details N.I etc because, say he didn’t have a bank account registered anywhere or he Wasn't paying council tax for anywhere .
They need to send a letter to an address they can be sure where he lives.
His were all registered to the old address they shared and they both had access too.
She was his business partner so could change the bank details to his new address in the hope they could track him that way.
What info do you have about where he is living ?
sorry I can’t remember all the previous info .
Has he changed his bank account online?
Do you have access to anything that you could change as he doesn’t live there anymore ? Phone bill ? Maybe that why they are asking about his car to see where the registered keeper address is or the insurance is registered too .

If he hasn’t changed his insurance to his new address then his car insurance will be invalid. Try any tactic you can to catch him out and help get your claims sorted.

Also why is he at the home visiting the kids instead of you getting a break ?

They need a know address and it confirmed officially then they can send the letter as if he doesn’t answer then they can escalate. They can’t do any of this legally if they don’t know for sure he has recieved the letter/contact

Because he won't take them anywhere. He knows I'll be home to pick up the slack so he brings them back home after their morning clubs for lunch and then ends up dragging the afternoon along until it's time for him to leave again. He's a joke. Because this is half his house, I can't get him to leave because the judge said we should agree to 'undertakings' (a voluntary promise to do the right thing) instead of a non-molestation or occupation order. That means he's allowed in the house but needs to leave when I ask him to. I can't ask to do that because the children are carrying on like they used to when he lived here and are so happy their life seems 'normal' again.

Didn't the hearing say you had to give him written permission to be there?

Withdraw any you've given.
His kids need him to look after them outside of your home.

Sorry you're having to deal with all the CMS nonsense too.
Take a photo of him and send it them

Try going out.

Just been on hold for half an hour with the CMS only to get through to someone who told me she didn't like the tone I was using with her and hung up on me. I was frustrated because she was giving me information as if it was final but eventually admitted she didn't have access to the online system at her end and couldn't tell me what means of contacting the other parents her colleagues had used!!!

I'm just on hold again...

The gist of the conversation from the joker at CMS is that UNTIL they have confirmation of the address he's living at, they can't do anything. This, despite me telling him that he'd left the property last month and won't communicate with me.

I told them they had certain powers such as escalating my case to enforcement of issuing a dedication from earnings order but she said the CMS couldn't and wouldn't do that until they knew exactly where he lived but since all credit checks were coming back as the address I'm at, they didn't know what else to do. I kid you not. wtf are all these services for- they're useless. If this is what a government agency is like, you can imagine how I've been treated by everyone else.

I don't trust him with the children. He tries to get into their heads- they've often come back from seeing him and told me "daddy says stop talking about him" or "daddy says you can't stop him from coming home". When he's here, I'm getting on with chores and leaving him to manage the children, except he doesn't, he stares passively until he's told what to do next... e.g., yesterday, when he was getting annoyed at the little one for jumping all over him, I had to say "it's her way of saying she's missed you and she's looking for a cuddle" before he picked her up and did just that. He's a useless piece of shit and I'm so annoyed at myself for choosing a 'man' like him to have children with.

My eldest became really distressed as he left last night and began to hit me, calling me "evil mummy". I had to restrain him (I'm trained in doing this) until he'd calmed down. I'm so upset. There's no help out there- literally- and my children are suffering and I haven't got the means to get them the help they need.

Have you contacted a local domestic abuse charity for support? They can often offer support for both you and your children.
Have the school put Elsa in place? If this doesn’t feel sufficient can you ask them to arrange a counsellor to see the children?
Are social services involved? If so you can ask them to do some direct work with the children.
Have you explored contact centres? There are private ones that can supervise his contact so he doesn’t have to be in your home.

Just spoken to another person and without an address for the bastard, they can't do ANYTHING. NOTHING. ZERO. NADA.

I've asked for a callback from a CMS manager or equivalent tomorrow.

Re CMS - have you uploaded a document to the portal with all the details you have for him

full name, DOB , passport number
UTR no ( it will be on any letters from HMRC or tax returns )
your marriage certificate or your children’s birth certificate must show his full legal name
his employers details, inc bank details, his payroll ref no . details from companies house if they are a limited company
Is his name on the company web site anywhere - take a screenshot
take photos of his pay slip, job offer letter, anything you have
photos of his bank statements showing his salary coming in from his new job
any details you have of any Uk bank accounts he holds
use anything from his old job like a P45 , pay slips
photo of his banks cards if you can get one when he’s in your house

ask CMS why they are not checking his live details from HMRC
ask them why they can’t write to him at his employers address

All of this assumes he’s in actually in salaried employment and not “ self employed “. If he is you are pretty much stuffed.

Don’t wait for CMS to call you back, they almost certainly won’t. I know it’s hard but you have to try really hard to talk politely to then on the phone, I have to slow down my pace and talk quieter as I get SO FRUSTRATED at their almost unbelievable incompetence.

Oh I forgot - take photos of any car details, like insurance, V5 , his driving license, obv take a photo of his car showing reg no.

Received a call from a supervisor at CMS who was really sympathetic but said their hands were tied and they couldn't do anything without a valid, confirmed address he's living at currently. Said they've contacted his workplace and need to give them two weeks to confirm his employment with them. If not, they would close down the application 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ I rang the DVLA to say he no longer lived here and if his car was still registered at this address, his insurance would be void if he was involved in an accident and they said there was nothing they could do! lol! Said I could put this in writing and send it to them via post so they could file it under his details. I kid you not!

I contacted him today to say he needed to forward me some money (£124) to allow me to top up my travel card so I could drop off and pick up the children since I'm in my overdraft but he's ingnored my messages. I'm in my overdraft and no money. To make matters worse, I've had a leak from the dishwasher and my floorboards are ruined (completely warped). He plumber came over today and capped everything off but I'm panicked how I'm going to survive till payday. I logged into work today but couldn't concentrate. I don't know what else to do.

If I wasn't such a stubbornly stoic person, I'd have collapsed by now. I feel like running away but can't even do that.

I'm wishing such evil things on the bastard right now. I wish he were dead.

Ps. He's claiming to sofa surf and living out of the boot if his car but when he called to speak to the children this evening, his train was stopping at the stop he gets off to get to his parents house!

He told the children he'd see them on the weekend and have lunch at home together. I told him he needed to take them out for lunch and do something away from the house with them but he told the children he couldn't do that.

I really want to hurt the man and wish I knew people to do some damage to him. I feel deranged.

I'm so sorry this is all happening and I can't believe CMS will close the application.

Can you give them his parents' address? And can you let them know he's not paying his share?

@maaataa Have you applied to UC? It's worth doing as a single parent now.

I've given his parents address but because none of the credit checks, number plate checks, etc. are coming back to the CMS with their address, they're saying their hands are tied and they'll have to put it down as he 'can't be located'.

@TheFormidableMrsC - I don't qualify for any kind of benefits.

This is just ridiculous!

@FlowerUser I am very lowly losing the will to keep fighting him/the system.

I sent one of the children's clubs an email earlier saying due to a change in my circumstances, I wanted them to send any invoices to their dad. He's replied asking what the fees are (£178.90 per term) to see if it's within his budget. He's clearing £6000 every month after tax, is living at his parents mortgage -free house atm and is crying poverty.

The system is badly organised. I did a case study on the CSM for my degree and it was very clear 20 years ago that it was set up to save the government money.

I can't stand men who refuse to take responsibility for their own children.

Ask the CSM to keep the claim open so you can backdate the money. Write to your MP.

For now, try and sleep. You are stronger than you know and we are here to support you.

This is another nightmare for you. As pp said contact your MP. And ask CMS to keep the case open.

For the immediate term have you anything that you could sell for quick cash on Facebook marketplace or similar? Kids clothes or toys they may have grown out of.?
Can you go through your bank and cancel anything you are maybe paying unnecessarily?

I think you should contact your health visitor for support they can be very good.

I would check CMS again as I suspect they need a postal address not where he is sleeping.

If its a postal address that is needed get an external postbox put up by the front door and mark it your house number+ A give him a key ( and keep 1 as the postie may put your post in too).

Explain that while he is not living/sleeping there due to the DV he is still a part owner of the property and you can not stop him using his property as a postal address but have for your safety installed an external post box as a method which allows the postal service to deliver and storing his post without him needing to access the property. As he is continuing to use the property address you needed a method so that you could not be held responsible for any "lost" mail.

@AnSolas- none of his post arrives at the address- everything in his life is online and his email account is a Swiss encrypted one for his safety. He's very paranoid. The only post that's recently arrived has been a letter from a charity he must've donated to by mistake in the past.

I've asked a friend to drive by his parents house one evening to see if his car is parked outside as proof he's living there but until he officially changes his address with organisations, all of this is useless.

You are trying to solving a CMS problem if they need a postal address for their communications with him. He is a part owner of the property use that to your advantage.
If he gets a parking ticket it will come to your house so make life easy for yourself and see if they will accept the post box as a postal address. Once everything is sorted you could revisit the benefit of having the box outside but if it ticks the address provided box go with it.
Sometimes you need to step back and find out the bare minimum you need to do while dealing with governmental bodies.

Just on the phone to IDVA and bloody hell she’s amazing. She’s going to get their in-house solicitor to call me back so I can make another application to court so that I stop paying the mortgage as he’s refusing to cover any other costs associated with the house and children which is making me go into debt. I got told off for agreeing to pay the mortgage in my application to court but I said that was under duress and without legal representation. She said their solicitor will help me sort it. I don’t know if any of this will happen but after a difficult couple of days and an ugly cry with her, I’m feeling a bit hopeful.