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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

He's just hit me and has been arrested

328 replies

maaataa · 02/02/2025 20:17

He has a history of depression and DV. He's thinks he's neurodiverse too. Two children involved. We started the divorce process after the new year with him going into detail why he hates me and he fantasises I die a slow and painful death. I haven't pressed charges previously as I need his income to cover the household expenses and him getting a conviction would end his career and put the financial burden on me- selfish I know. Anyway, he's been looking for a fight all weekend and this evening, in front of the Dc, he kicked and punched me after a perceived slight. I'm still in shock but the police arrived and it was his word against mine- he called them telling them I'd hit him first (I pushed him away as he first went for me). My worry now is the children's mental health and finances. What's going to happen? He's in a new job after a period of unemployment and I almost killed myself working two jobs. Im so so scared. His arrest also means, my own job is affected as I'll have to start work late after dropping kids off (I already work flexible and leave early and make up that time in the evenings). Wtf am I going to do?!

No family (parents dead and siblings estranged in a different part of the country). I'm shit scared.

OP posts:
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Original poster
maaataa · 02/02/2025 20:19

What will the police do? The last two times he was arrested for DV, I was told if they arrested him again, the won't wait for me to press charges and will proceed with prosecution instead without a statement for me. I could lose the house and would have nowhere to go.

OP posts:
Original poster
maaataa · 02/02/2025 20:19

Apologies for the garbled messages- my head is a mess right now.

OP posts:
username299 · 02/02/2025 20:25

I would push for a non Molestation Order and get in contact with a domestic abuse organisation. You could call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline.

The DV organisation will tell you about any benefits you are entitled to. You could also contact Gingerbread.

Your children are already effected from living in an abusive household. You need to keep him away from your family. He's dangerous OP and abuse usually escalates when you leave.

Sth08 · 02/02/2025 20:28

@maaataa I don't have a great deal of advice but I read your thread and wanted to message you and give you my support. Give women's aid a call and get some advice on your situation, they'll be well placed for this.
You're not being selfish. Take care of yourself and your children first. His actions are all on him, you need to protect yourself and your children.
Why would you lose your house? Is the house in your name?

Passmetheaero · 02/02/2025 20:31

Can you afford to rent a flat for you and the kids? Whose name is the house in? Is it owned or are you tenants?

Cantgetausername87 · 02/02/2025 20:33

You are going to be just fine. Just one step at a time. Police will put you in contact with support. First things first will be a non mol order and possibly an occupation order if he joint owns / tenant at your address.
This will buy you some time and then you can get a plan together including benefits you may be able to claim and how to work around school.
You're going to be OK I promise. Breathe support your kids right now and there will be help on the way. The bills aren't due right now and so don't need your immediate thoughts x

Original poster
maaataa · 02/02/2025 20:33

Thank you both. I contacted Women's Aid during lockdown when the abuse intensified and despite leaving numerous messages, nobody replied. I was in touch with DV charities following other incidents but felt they all spoke to me like I was the lowest of the low. I remember spending a week last time calling around for solicitors who'd taken on my case via legal aid. All of them asked for my story and said somebody would get back to me and then went silent on me. I feel so down. The only people who can help me are people who are happy to take on my case on a non-legal aid basis.

How does a non-molestation order work? We both own jointly even though I've paid more into the house (bigger deposit and house renovations, etc.).

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 02/02/2025 20:33

How old are the children, since they were witnesses?

Original poster
maaataa · 02/02/2025 20:35

Our mortgage and bills are £2800 a month. I clear £3200 every month after tax. How am I going to do this? Our fixed rate mortgage expires in August 2027- WTF am I going to do?! My head hurts and so does my body where he pummelled me. How can someone I once loved more than life itself do this to me and his children?!

OP posts:
Original poster
maaataa · 02/02/2025 20:36

DC are 3 and 4

OP posts:
username299 · 02/02/2025 20:38

I'm sorry you've been let down by so many people. Phone the National Domestic Abuse Helpline. They're open 24/7 and they're very good.

You can contact Rights of Women tomorrow. They offer free legal advice and can answer any questions you have.

Passmetheaero · 02/02/2025 20:38

Give Refuge a call now:

He's just hit me and has been arrested
Passmetheaero · 02/02/2025 20:39

Can you call in sick for a week to give yourself some headspace?

Original poster
maaataa · 02/02/2025 20:40

Passmetheaero · 02/02/2025 20:39

Can you call in sick for a week to give yourself some headspace?

I'd fall really behind with work which would cause me so much more worry and anxiety but I feel like life is getting too much for me and I need to step off the wheel for a bit.

OP posts:
AmethystMoonShine · 02/02/2025 20:41

Citizens Advice Bureau are good for advice. Their website is pretty good too until you can speak to them. Will be able to tell you what you’d be entitled to financially.
check your County Council website for local Domestic Abuse services if you’ve not already.
tell your GP too.

wizzywig · 02/02/2025 20:42

Give it a few mins op, there's plenty of MN support coming. Im sure of it. You poor love x
This is his third time that he has been arrested?

AluckyEllie · 02/02/2025 20:47

so much sympathy for you but some practical advice- the house needs to be sold. You can’t afford a mortgage like that especially when the rate goes up at the next fix. Sell it, buy smaller. Kids can share. Smaller mortgage and hopefully less bills means more wriggle room. Get a lawyer. He assaulted you in front of the children. Will he try for 50:50?

Original poster
maaataa · 02/02/2025 20:49

He's going to lose his job and when it comes to renewing the mortgage I'll have to sell the house- the thought makes me want to kill myself. I lost my mum as a child (dad fucked off to another country) and we raised ourselves. Children playing grown-ups. I lived out of bin bags staying with one relative after another. I need stability for myself and my children- it's not their fault their parents are fuckups.

OP posts:
PlanningTowns · 02/02/2025 20:51

First and foremost you have a good income, a lot more than most. Secondly, I know the finances are a worry, but all the money in the world won’t help if your kids don’t have a mother or see her getting battered.

it will be a challenge but you will not be starting from a place of having nothing. The house is unsustainable so you will need to downsize but see that as a way of creating your own safe haven.

you should also, when ready, get therapy to support you.

try women’s aid again, ask the police for a referral to whomever they suggest. Speak to your GP and if you feel comfortable your workplace (who may have a policy to support you).

you can do this for you and the kids.

please don’t stay with this man for the sake of finances, it is not worth it.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 02/02/2025 20:52

Don't worry about Aug 2027 just now,
you will be divorced by then.

day by day, or right now hour by hour !

2025willbemytime · 02/02/2025 20:54

Please don't kill yourself. You grew up without a family. You don't want that for your little ones.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 02/02/2025 20:58

You need to get rid of this man, however you do it. That's the bottom line.

He can't be allowed to do this to you again, he's an absolute bastard! So sorry you are going through this x

Lighteningstrikes · 02/02/2025 21:02

I’m so sorry this has happened to you, but this will be a blessing in disguise.

Don’t despair about the fixed rate finishing in August 27. You’ve got lots of time on your side, and economically a lot can happen between now and then.

One day at a time. Little steps. Take lots of care of yourself and your little ones. That’s the most important thing for now. The rest will all follow in good time 💐

Sunshineandoranges · 02/02/2025 21:07

You are definitely not to blame for any of this. You are there for your children when everything is really tough. Try not to look too far ahead just as lightening strikes posted, little steps.

Mamabear300 · 02/02/2025 21:16

Im sorry this is happening to you OP, have you had your injuries checked out?I know its stressful to say the least but take it from someone who saw this frequently until the age of 8 years old it will do the kids more harm for you to remain a 'family unit' ( for me it was my mum and her husband of many shitty years ).

When I was in my early teens I landed myself in a shitty relationship with DV myself.. wanna know what the breaking point was for me? Being assaulted in someone else's home and the daughter of this family being stood in the door way screaming her head off in fear. It took me back to my childhood, it made me picture my own child screaming in fear, so this day enough was enough I kicked him out the house which was in his name and got it changed into my name ( although this was housing association and many years ago) my point is there are many of us who have been in your boat and broken free from it and found that light, happiness and eventually love again at the other end of the tunnel. I won't lie it's not an easy journey but with support from the right organisations and mabye some friends if there are any you can confide in along with some therapy then your going to be ok. Sending big hugs your way OP x