He's just hit me and has been arrested

[maaataa]

He has a history of depression and DV. He's thinks he's neurodiverse too. Two children involved. We started the divorce process after the new year with him going into detail why he hates me and he fantasises I die a slow and painful death. I haven't pressed charges previously as I need his income to cover the household expenses and him getting a conviction would end his career and put the financial burden on me- selfish I know. Anyway, he's been looking for a fight all weekend and this evening, in front of the Dc, he kicked and punched me after a perceived slight. I'm still in shock but the police arrived and it was his word against mine- he called them telling them I'd hit him first (I pushed him away as he first went for me). My worry now is the children's mental health and finances. What's going to happen? He's in a new job after a period of unemployment and I almost killed myself working two jobs. Im so so scared. His arrest also means, my own job is affected as I'll have to start work late after dropping kids off (I already work flexible and leave early and make up that time in the evenings). Wtf am I going to do?!

No family (parents dead and siblings estranged in a different part of the country). I'm shit scared.

Oh thank goodness for that - at last a bit of help ! you so need and deserve it.
I hope this turns a corner for you and it now does start to get a bit better.

The ugly crying and migraine I’ve had since yesterday came from this gem I received from him yesterday which is full of lies and fabrications:

Dear Mataaaa,
I am writing to you to outline some of my concerns of recent actions you have taken which I believe may be in contravention of Court Orders XXXXXX (linked to previous court order YYYYY) issued by ZZZZZZ Family Court on 21/02/2025. The purpose of this letter is not to be antagonistic in any way, however, I have been advised to send this letter to you due to these concerns.

There are various recent actions you have taken which have concerned me and which may be in non-compliance of the Court Orders referenced above. In particular I note paragraph 2 (not to intimidate, harass or pester) and of paragraph 3 (not to damage or threaten to damage any property) of the Court Orders. I have been advised to keep a record of all of these actions and concerns which include:

-Intimidation and verbal harassment in front of our children
-Persistently attempting to garner a reaction out of me by:
demanding money, including unilaterally informing third parties of costs being transferred to me sending me screenshots of your use of credit cards or overdraft facilities
-defaming me to third parties - stating that you have a "feeling he's going to mess me around" making false allegations against me with regards to my behaviour towards our children
-ordering me to turn up or vacate the property whenever it is convenient for you -claiming our jointly owned home is solely -
yours
-demanding that I have my mail redirected to another address
-attempting to have me delisted from my local GP Surgery
-Damaging my property - i.e. throwing my post across the living room; throwing my recipe book in the bin

Currently, the only agreement we have with regards to finances is that for 6 months (ending 20* August 2025), pending the placement of any formal financial order:
you are to pay the mortgage fees for the duration of the undertaking
I am to pay for the utilities (broadband, water, gas, electric, tv licence), home insurance, council tax, garage rent and groceries for the duration of the undertaking any additional costs remain with each party as before

Please note, as I have informed you previously, all of our communications are logged and I intend to continue to keep a log of any contact you make with me.

The Court Orders are legally binding and must be followed by both parties. Non-compliance or continued non-compliance could lead to serious consequences, which for the avoidance of doubt, I do not want. If compliance with this order is not achieved then I will be forced to seek to have the Court Orders enforced through the family court, but this is not the route that I want to take. As mentioned at the at the beginning of this letter, this has not been written to be antagonistic in any way, but more to outline our duties pursuant to the Court Orders. I truly wish to resolve this matter amicably between us, and I hope we can conclude this matter as soon as possible so that we can both move on with our lives and provide the best environment possible for our children.

I haven’t intimidated or verbally harassed him either alone or in front of the children or tried to get him to react negatively in any way, shape or form. I have asked him for money- I’ve had a direct debit declined this morning because I’ve gone over my overdraft. I can’t even afford to drop off the children and collect them from school- it costs me £4:10 a day and I’ve got £7.80 left on my travel card. He’s refusing to engage with CMS so I did ask him to change his address and liaise with them. The ‘defamation’ to third parties is when I contacted one of the children’s clubs to say any further invoices should be sent to him. In a separate email to them I explained we’re going through an acrimonious split and there’s a chance he may play games and mess me around- in replying to me, they accidentally copied him in too. When I asked him to vacate the property, it was because he was riling the children up. I didn’t have him delisted from the GP surgery- when I went for a checkup, the doctor asked me if he’d left the family house, when I confirmed he had, they contacted him saying they’d be delisting him.

I didn’t damage his property, I dropped a letter that had arrived for him, next to where he was sitting. And his slimming world booklet was on the recycling bin- I took it out to the main bin and that’s what he’s claiming to be damage. I’m
Inning

I'm so sorry he's doing this to you.

He's abusing you via the court order. That letter was written by his solicitor and he wants to intimidate you. Send it to your IDVA and solicitor. Don't reply. You have done nothing wrong.

Remember your started with him hitting you. He is a danger to you and the children and he will lie in order to hurt you more. This is a legal punch and hurts so much.

The court order will be altered to support you financially. We are here for you.

Please don’t panic about his email. For people with a good understanding of domestic abuse it’s a pretty clear attempt to frighten you and regain power through using the court system, when in actual fact there’s no substance to his claims as they’re all vague and his interpretation of your actions rather than facts. Also, it’s laughable that he is claiming to want to be amicable etc when only recently he’s physically abused you. My advice would be to keep a record of everything, including what he’s suggesting and why you dispute it, but don’t let it rock you. You’re still the victim and he’s still a text book abuser. I would however think carefully about him being in the home, as I wouldn’t want him to use that as an opportunity to make up false allegations against you.

@maaataa does he usually write using legal jargon?? the word "pursuant" is not normally used by anyone in normal life. where has he copied and pasted this shit from?

"I wish to resolve this matter amicably between us" = he wants to scare you out of going to court / listening to your lawyer, and stop you getting what you're entitled to. Ignore, show this and any other communications to your lawyer, follow their advice. Anything legal, ONLY communicate via the lawyer.

This is definitely scare tactics. I would definitely agree about communucations only through your lawyer otherwise he will continue to abuse you in this manner with direct contact. I know there is an app that can be used as well to pass on communication re children etc without directly speaking to him, can't remember what its called though.
In terms of finances, please do (if you havent already) call Citizen's Advice. I am in a similar position financially for different reasons and had to call them, they were so helpful and how to get food vouchers etc.

That is such a shit letter from him. Honestly. You dropped a letter and thought his Slimming World booklet was for the bin ? Write back, explaining this in
the simplest possible terms, much as you have to us. Keep the tone actually amicable rather than his awful cod repetitive legalese. Explain that it’s been necessary to inform people of the Childrens change in circumstances. Agree that emotions run high when marriages end but be very clear that your aim throughout has been to protect the children from any conflict. Tell him that you feel the financial agreement reached has placed you and the children in a parlous position, and that’s what you wanted him to understand as you know that they are the priority . Some simple sums might work here. What he brings home minus his expenditure versus yours. Let the figures do the work.

It shouldn’t be too different to the way you explained it to us. I know it’s not how you want to answer, but it puts him in a hole, because he either agrees with you that the Childrens needs are paramount. Or he doesn’t.
These are terrible times, but you are doing your best.

Sorry to double post, but keep it as brief, clear, simple and polite as possible. And let those be your watchwords for all further communication.

I would completely ignore that letter. A response is what he wants.

So sorry to hear this. People really need to be educated about the mental health impact of DV. Imagine expecting the voice of a person who has been through what you have been through to have a good "tone,"

I really feel for you after reading that letter, op. Anyone with any experience of DV can instantly see that he is trying to control and intimidate you with that letter. My instinct would be to not respond but to hand that letter to whoever is advising you. It is extremely difficult to do, but try to detach from him. He wants some kind of reaction and will use that reaction to the max. Keep getting support from people on here. We don't know you but there is a wealth of experience on here that can help you.

Just been on the phone with the mortgage lender in tears because I’ve had direct debits returned, no ingredients to cook meals for me and the DC and no money on my travel card to take the children to school and bring them back home at the end of the day. I can’t even travel into work and have a face to face training session on Wednesday. The IDVa and her solicitor haven’t been in touch. I’ve sent chasing emails to say to get in touch- I feel like I’m en route to a nervous breakdown.

He arrived to collect the Dc this weekend. Said he’d drop them off at 5pm on Sunday but turned up with them at 4:30 when I was on my way home from doing a food shop. I logged into the doorbell camera and asked the children to wait in the car with daddy until I got back. I called him repeatedly but he wouldn’t answer. Said he wasn’t going to take the children back in the car. I arrived home to find him in the hallway. When he saw me, he started speaking in raised tones to intimidate me but unbeknownst to him, my brother was visiting me for the weekend. When he saw my brother listening to his dramatic comments (calling me an unfit mother for neglecting her children- he brought them home early), he said I was blocking his way, and then walked out.

I feel broken today- my brother has only just recently got in touch (he’s a bit of a user and was travelling onto another town passing my house and wanted a place to stay without the need to pay for a hotel) and has said my marriage breakdown is my fault because I’m “too strong”.

Cutting a long story short, he’s broken the terms of the agreements we had with court, eg. He isn’t allowed into the home without my written consent. I made it very clear he wasn’t allowed in. He also sent me a message asking why my brother was staying and using that as leverage not to tell me where he was taking the children.

i. Have. Had. Enough. I feel suicidal tonight but know I can’t try anything be use the children will end up finding me and I can’t do that to them.

I can’t believe I’ve written that down- I hate myself for it- because I can’t do anything else. I’ve knocked on all doors and exhausted all options. I even called a direct access barrister based on a recommendation and her charges are £300 plus VAT an hour- money i dream of having right now to bring my account into credit again. Her charges for 1st access hearings are £4,000. She sounds amazing and I need her but I can’t afford her. I feel like such a loser. I have a fucking title and am respected at work but my life is a shit show. I’m logging into work from home and staring at the screen- my fingers can’t even type anymore. My brain can’t think what to write or how to do it. wtf has happened to my life?!

Oh, @maaataa I am so sorry he is doing this to you.

This is really hard and we are here for you. If I knew where you lived I'd be round with a hug and some money as a gift in a heartbeat.

I hope the mortgage company were helpful.

Can you call in sick for a couple of days so you can have a breather? Have you spoken to your manager? Could you explain what's going on and ask for an employer's loan or an advance on your wages?

We are here to support you.

an example of our exchange this weekend/past week…. You have no idea how desperate I feel. I feel like the pain will end if I die. I know I must keep the faith and have hope but I don’t have very much left to give atm

@FlowerUser- that’s just made me burst into tears again.

I’ve just asked to cut short my sick leave so I can do the main job and pick up some private work to bring the money in but it’s not been a good decision- I’m just staring into nothingness during the day.

You need some more time. Quite possibly some medication as well. It might be an idea to go back to your GP, get a referral to a food bank so you can eat and see what other support is available.

You're holding it together so that you don't fall apart. When someone is kind, it resonates with your need to be supported. This will pass. I promise you. Last May I faced the most awful thing that had happened to me. I couldn't eat or sleep and lost so much weight. I cried all the time and couldn't stop. I thought it would never be over.

I am now nearly back to where I was and hopefully what comes next will be a massive improvement. I feel so much better and happier.

I also didn't think I could bear it or get through it. But I did and I am doing.

There will be better times ahead. You just have to live through this horrible bit for a time. You are absolutely doing the right thing for your children and for yourself. Keep holding on.

I’m sorry to hear you went through a distressing life event too but I’m not the strong person people believe I am. I am tired of constantly being tested. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t

FWIW, as much as I’d like nothing more than to take an overdose and sleep forever so I don’t feel the pain, I won’t do it. I can’t do it.

Thank you for your kindness to me. You can bear more than you think. This is all part of the abuse from your husband. You will get through this. It's not about being strong. It's about taking things one step at a time.

I know you won't overdose. But it can help to talk about it.

You can talk to the Samaritans for free on 116 123. They will listen and they don't judge.