He's just hit me and has been arrested

[maaataa]

He has a history of depression and DV. He's thinks he's neurodiverse too. Two children involved. We started the divorce process after the new year with him going into detail why he hates me and he fantasises I die a slow and painful death. I haven't pressed charges previously as I need his income to cover the household expenses and him getting a conviction would end his career and put the financial burden on me- selfish I know. Anyway, he's been looking for a fight all weekend and this evening, in front of the Dc, he kicked and punched me after a perceived slight. I'm still in shock but the police arrived and it was his word against mine- he called them telling them I'd hit him first (I pushed him away as he first went for me). My worry now is the children's mental health and finances. What's going to happen? He's in a new job after a period of unemployment and I almost killed myself working two jobs. Im so so scared. His arrest also means, my own job is affected as I'll have to start work late after dropping kids off (I already work flexible and leave early and make up that time in the evenings). Wtf am I going to do?!

No family (parents dead and siblings estranged in a different part of the country). I'm shit scared.

I forgot to say, I've been signed off sick with stress from work for a fortnight.

Also, I hate to say it but I'm so physically and emotionally exhausted that I'm not being 'present beyond the basics for the children- their requests for extra hugs, cuddles and reassurance is annoying the living daylights out of me. I know that makes me sound like a bitch but I simply don't have the energy for that.

Also, I can't afford to start the divorce process (the builder's initial invoice of £1800 has now increased to £2800 and I'm having a battle trying to sort this out) but really hope I'm granted a mesher order. Does anyone know if these are easy to come about? Desperately looking for some hope atm. I feel like I'm living with a noose hanging around my neck and he has all the control in his hand as to what he does next. The anxiety is killing me. I genuinely feel on the verge of a breakdown. I'm always the funny, strong one among friends and I'm fed up of hearing "you'll be fine- you're made of stronger stuff than this". I want to scream and cry and run away but I can't do that.

Last thing: I've been going to the GP for years saying I was worried about the youngest's dark eye circles and lack of energy when running and general lack of 'get up and go'. Only recently have they referred her for a blood test which shows 'very low' iron levels. I'm so fucking pissed off. I've been accused of being a 'worrier' and by one GP as an 'alpha mum' and they finally realise my concerns were valid. I fucking hate the world and everything in it atm.

This sounds incredibly tough and probably one of the worst things you’ll ever go through. But you’re doing it on step in front of the other. The builders shit is annoying as fuck but at least it gets the house done and dusted.

well done for keeping going with kids meals and bedtimes and stuff. Don’t sweat too much about the cuddles today, maybe you’ll feel like that tomorrow or the day after.

i just wanted to say we are here for you and we are listening. Keep posting just to vent.

i had something going on in my life pre Xmas and I was driving along and realised I wanted to scream and drive into a tree. I realised I was really not well. Please do be aware if you reach rock bottom and call someone. Even the Samaritans - I rang them and I just needed to talk to someone kind for an hour

I’m not surprised you’re frazzled! You’ve been let down on all sides.

Have you tried all the DV charities? One may have capacity to advise even if others don’t, or they may refer you on.

I’m sorry I don’t know anything useful, just that you’re being shafted.

I've just found his NI number!!! About to apply for child maintenance.

Also, he's taken my bank card (I asked him to buy me something the day of the incident) and hidden it somewhere. Claims he left it on the kitchen counter and doesn't have it. I've had to cancel the card and order a new one which still hasn't arrived. FML.

God he is a knob

Just submitted the CM application online- let's see what happens next. His rage knows no bounds so I can imagine him doing something ridiculous of the back of this.

@maaataa send they builder’s packing! Don’t pay a penny more tell then to invoice dick head and keep all of them out your home .

If kids are all at school take time during the day the next couple of weeks to chill then maybe you be more ready for the kids at home time. .
try routine for everyone it’s really hard I know not you will get there .

Can you take yourself a nice long walk in the hills (if you have any) or a close beach.

Just switch of from all the stress for a while. Sometimes its the only savour

Well done for getting the CMS claim in.
You are doing amazingly well keeping going.
I am sorry to hear about the builders ripping you off. What a horrible set of men.
You should chase the bank up about your card it should have been quicker.

I don't know whether it's ok to suggest you try the herbal tablets called kalms to help you sleep. My husband used them after his ds died and they really took the edge off to help him get off to sleep. They are sold in supermarkets and pharmacies.

It will get better. It is better than living with him just you were so used to being a tense mess wondering what he was going to do next and you had strategies to not trigger him whereas now you are out in the open like a rabbit in the headlights and still vulnerable to his coercion.
I know previous posters have suggested going for walks. If you get chance in the spring sunshine to get to the park with the kids you may all benefit from this sun. Parks are free and accessible and you may feel a bit better from the fresh air. You have come a long way keep looking forwards.💐

@Luddite26 thank you for your kind words. I'm ashamed to admit, I've actually thought whether or not I should allow him back to give myself a break. I know, I know... but I am just so, so tired.

Yes it would be easier to go back to how it was. But within minutes you would know you had done the wrong thing. I remember being away from exh for 5 months and we had been to counselling on his insistance and I didn't want to go back but he came round and sat it out till I agreed to go back. It's the manipulative behaviour you get used to. I then wasted and lost 7 more years of my life where I existed in a shell. Scurrying about keeping my head down in my own life. Existing not living.

It is very hard for you as you are alone with your little ones. You don't drive you have so much pressure.
But you are over the first hurdles.
I remember physically feeling like a weight lifted off me the final time I left. There is a life ahead of you. But I can understand how you feel and I went back too many times. It's no good for you or your children. Living like that damages your children more than living like you are doing now. But he has you all tied up and there is no easy way forward. Getting back together is an easier option short term. But try to remember what he is really like.

You're not just doing this for yourself chick. You're doing it for your children too.

There is another woman on MN who has stayed with her abusive husband posting at the moment. Her son is now a teenager and turning into a mini version of his father. You don't want that for your children.

Strength isn't feeling strong and brave. It's feeling broken, hurt, destroyed, and carrying on. You're doing brilliantly well.

I've just received an update on the CMS website to say they can't find the children's dad. This is despite me providing them with his NI number, the name and address of his current employer, his parents address and his direct telephone number and email address 🤦🏻‍♀️ seriously, the entire system is a joke. They now want me to provide them with other identifying details for him (what more can I give them) or they'll close down my application. I'm seriously having an FML moment.

Contact your MP online and explain you’ve given them all this. Ask for their assistance. Chin up it will be sorted.

Yes don't sit back and let everyone get away with it contact your MP.
Give them other info they are asking for to keep it open.
Contact your MP anyway for help with housing go hard in on the coercive control etc + don't play it down. They may be able to help you with moving forward housing etc.

He's here playing 'best dad in the world' (sitting on his phone scrolling), while I'm doing the ironing, have another wash on the go and supervising the children while they're playing outside. Any "daddy" demands from the children are ignored and he's letting me sort out any squabbles. I could scream but I know that's what he wants.

I'll be calling CMs as soon as I've dropped off the children to school and nursery in the morning. I was thinking of cutting short my sick leave from work (I can't avoid it forever) but I'm still absolutely shattered. My joints ache and I've got a low temperature and have the chills despite it being a lovely, sunny day today.

Everyone knows what abuse is like but because he's made counter accusations towards me, service providers look down on me and take his side- I'm tired of the humiliation and injustice of it all. They're judging me on the fact that I look like I'm coping (wearing makeup and dressing well) while he looks like he's been dragged through the hedge backwards and is going to town on putting up an act of being the abused husband. I hate him so much- his presence triggers me so much. I wish he were dead.

This is bizarre! Has he got a fake NI number? Surely they just contact his employer?

I'm so sorry this is happening to you x

No fake NI number. I have no idea what's going on. I've given them all his details but the recent letter asks if I can provide any additional details for him like his car registration number which I'll be providing first thing but wtf?! They'll be asking me for his logbook next or closing the case down. I definitely need my MP on this. It's just soul destroying going through the history again and again. No one cares. It's all a great big tickbox faux concern exercise. No wonder so many women stay in abusive marriages/are killed by their bastard narcissistic partners.

I really know how that feels. You have to focus on yourself and your children. You know the truth
I was thinking maybe your health visitor may be of some support to you if you contacted her. I always found health visitors a good support.

Just a personal anecdote but I had a horrible row with my first husband from 36 years ago yesterday and he still has his awful narrative. Which was a load of deluded nonsense and i know it is but it still makes you feel rubbish. Despite it being so long ago.

@maaataa WHY is he sitting in you house to see the kids????? he should be out with the kids!