He's just hit me and has been arrested

[maaataa]

He has a history of depression and DV. He's thinks he's neurodiverse too. Two children involved. We started the divorce process after the new year with him going into detail why he hates me and he fantasises I die a slow and painful death. I haven't pressed charges previously as I need his income to cover the household expenses and him getting a conviction would end his career and put the financial burden on me- selfish I know. Anyway, he's been looking for a fight all weekend and this evening, in front of the Dc, he kicked and punched me after a perceived slight. I'm still in shock but the police arrived and it was his word against mine- he called them telling them I'd hit him first (I pushed him away as he first went for me). My worry now is the children's mental health and finances. What's going to happen? He's in a new job after a period of unemployment and I almost killed myself working two jobs. Im so so scared. His arrest also means, my own job is affected as I'll have to start work late after dropping kids off (I already work flexible and leave early and make up that time in the evenings). Wtf am I going to do?!

No family (parents dead and siblings estranged in a different part of the country). I'm shit scared.

The additional info I submitted this week was:

A picture of my injuries (the only visible one was the angry bruise to my leg)

A letter from the children’s nursery and school heads to say how the children were doing and how I was working closely with them to manage the children's emotional needs

A video of the children (they weren't aware I was recording) saying how happy felt now and how they didn't like daft shouting and make them feel miserable

My eldest DCs neurodevelopment report where the doctor didn't diagnose ASD but said traits were evident but child's needs were being met at the present time and to continue providing structure and consistency in routines, etc.

I'm going to go to the GP tomorrow to see if they could provide a record of my visit to them the day after the latest incident where I had a medical checkup going through where he'd hurt me.

This is a fuzzy pic of the bruise to my left leg.

You need the GP report of your injuries when you saw them.

I do hope you are never in this situation again, but please, and this is also for any other woman in this situation, take photos of injuries as soon as possible and again once bruises appear.

Tell the judge you have tried time and time again to get help with women’s aid and can’t make contact.
Do go on there page and read up about narcassist abuse . I am sure you will recognise it all now your eyes are wind open .

@maaataa
You should report your post with your picture and ask them to take it down.
as that will 100% id you ( here) to anyone who sees it in real life.

Be safe🌻

I'll be thinking of you at the courts, I'm sure lots of us are praying so much for your family 🩷

Deep breath. Remember that in the court system, while it’s far from perfect, professionals do have significant experience of domestic abuse and will be very familiar with all of the tactics your abuser is now using to minimise and deflect. If you can get a solicitor though I think it would help you feel more confident. I’d also try a local domestic abuse charity (google your county and domestic abuse charity to find one) to see what support they can offer, as that process should be a lot quicker.

Also, while he might think he’s being clever here he could actually be supporting your case, as threatening to kill yourself and isolating the victim from friends and family are both typical abuse tactics. I can’t remember if I’ve shared this graphic with you before but you might find it helpful in getting you to think about all the ways he’s behaved which are abusive.

Not sure if it's been posted already, but there are some links & info here:

https://safelives.org.uk/about-domestic-abuse/get-help-support/

Wishing you all the best and a safer, happy future. You can do this.

Emotions or not, you need a lawyer because you don't know the law like a lawyer does. Your ex is going to play dirty and you need someone who's wise to every trick and skilled in demonstrating when he's lying and all the rest, as well as just understanding all the jargon legal stuff always drowns you in. As all lawyers say the (wo)man who represents themselves has a fool for a client.

Get a lawyer, see what you have.

I'm not a lawyer so can't say for sure this will help but for example you say. He has video of you doing x,y,z on whatever date at 19:00. Here are my texts from him between 17:00 and 19:00 on the same day. You can see in the immediate 2 hours before this event he sent me 15 abusive texts telling me I'm awful, shit mum, kids and everyone hate me etc etc. You can see I told him he was hurting me and asked him to leave me alone, yet here you have him in the room continuing the abuse and goading me despite my making it clear I didn't want to be around him and you have a clip of me reacting to that abuse.

Also even if they decide you're both bad to each other - doesn't that simply back up the fact you shouldn't be in contact or live together? It's more evidence you being in the same living space is toxic and bad for the kids. You have all the documentation from everywhere showing your primary care giver.

This.

I've just contacted the divorce lawyer to see if she can represent me tomorrow. It's last minute but I've had a massive wobble. Been on the phone to DA helpline and been told Occupation Orders are really hard to get and that they can't help with that but are happy for me to talk and for them to listen. Cue a massive rant and I then hung up. It's taken 3 weeks for me to get through to them. The social worker sent me the details of the local IDVa this afternoon after I queried if there was any support available for tomorrow and has said she's on leave next week so will check in on me once she's back. Seriously. What an absolute fuckup. The whole area of DV and abuse is a joke.

For what it's worth my thoughts are with you today. Good luck. No wonder it is easier to stay with an abuser.
💐

@maaataa Good luck today

Good luck flower

Hope it goes well for you today 🙏

Thank you everyone. Just on my way home from the hearing. My solicitor couldn't find anyone at short notice to represent me so I was on my own. I cried, lots of times. The judge was very kind but I now know why lawyers exist and I really do wish I'd had legal representation because I had no idea what was happening despite reading up on family law as much as possible. The judge agreed to 'undertakings'- so promises we'd make not to 'molest' one another and for him to stay away from the house unless he had express written permission from me to enter. He only agreed to this because I'd written in my order that I'd cover mortgage payments so that he could rent elsewhere. I really, really hate him. These undertakings are valid for the next 6 months. My head is in a daze- I don't know what's just happened. I need food (last meal was around 4:30 yesterday afternoon).

Today is our 10th wedding anniversary.

Ps. I forgot to say, the alternative to agreeing undertakings was a fact finding order where evidence would be gathered against one another and judged by the court and could take weeks and months.

I've just been paid today and have put 2/3 of my salary away for the mortgage. I'd still need him to pay the bills and for food but that wasn't discussed today. Also, I've been covering all costs associated with the children so he'd need to cover those but I was told that wasn't in today's court session remit. More certainty ahead but I need to sleep. I'm exhausted. Got a call earlier from nursery to say my little one's eye had suddenly swelled up. He's agreed to go and collect both DC from holiday camp and take both home. I'm using public transport so won't be home for a while yet. What a mess.

I’m so sorry it’s been rough. I have no idea about the process, or what you could have done differently.

This is actually a good result for you for now. He can't come into the house unless you say he can. And he can't hurt you.

This is a breathing space for you.

Speak to your lawyer next week and work out next steps. If you haven't already done so, apply to the CMS for maintenance and to the Council for the single person discount on your council tax.

We're here to support you xx. You've done really well today xx

Another vote for CMS and single person discount NOW. You can do CMS online, you don’t need any proof of his earning etc, just things like his DOB and NI number if you have it, where he works . You don’t need his current address.

If he’s employed and pays tax via PAYE then the child maintenance service can see his live earnings via HMRC. If he has the kids overnight more than 52 nights a year then it will reduce the maintenance he has to pay so be prepared for him to ask for this. Lots of dad sayi they want this but they rarely actually do it.

This and UC to see if you are entitled to top up.
Sorry if I’ve forget and you earn to much .
Just focus on getting the other things done .

@maaataa for tonight OP a nice dinner and bath and glass of your favourite drink to relax.
well down . You did it 🥰

You've got through another week and wow a massive hurdle today. You are doing amazing.
I hope you can have a better sleep tonight.
And act on the money advice. Well done.

Hi everyone, what a roller coaster the last couple of weeks have been. I've been trying to stay strong but am finding things so tough atm. I'm tired by the early morning starts (eldest has been waking up at 5am for the past week), children have regressed in their behaviour- lots of teasing each other, banging doors, youngest has been spitting and scratching, they're both taking out their confusion and anger on me- I'm fed up of it all. Yesterday was a shit day- I lost control of my tongue and shouted and ranted and raved. Is this going to be the rest of my life?

Their dad has been THE BEST DAD EVER when he's seen them on the weekend and 3 days of half term. He's refusing to do anything to with the house- I'd booked builders to come in during half term to finish off jobs last year and they saw the way he treated me with contempt and started to take shortcuts too and have taken the piss with charging me for jobs (£250 to put up a mirror despite agreeing £80 verbally when I asked them how much they'd charge) and have left most jobs unfinished because they know I have no backup. They asked him a question when he was around and he told them he had nothing to do with anything and wouldn't care if the house went up in flames. He's told me he's waiting for me to get the jobs finished because we'd get a higher valuation from estate agents then- so his position to force a sale by claiming to sofa surf/be homeless hasn't changed.

I've reached out to friends and explained what's happened recently and everyone is shocked- he's a charmer and I've been told how lucky I am to have such a committed husband and dad. To keep face I've politely nodded and smiled so now that I've started opening up, no one quite believes me.

After the court hearing, I didn't have the energy to do anything else but I really need to tackle child maintenance as 2/3 of my wage has gone on paying the mortgage. I asked him if he'd paid nursery fees and he wouldn't reply so I've sent the nursery manager an email and asked if they can confirm if this month's nursery fees have been received. According to the CMs website, based on his salary, he needs to pay £960 per month for both children. However, I dont know his NI number. Will that matter? How do I go ahead and apply?

Social worker or IDVA haven't been in touch- me and the children need therapy and I haven't got the money to access this atm.

I'm trying to pick up private work but have been advised by a friend not to so it doesn't affect the divorce and finances- is that true? But, I need to show regular income coming in so I can present favourably if/when it comes to applying for a new mortgage on my own.

I'm so, so, tired. Beyond words.