He's just hit me and has been arrested

[maaataa]

He has a history of depression and DV. He's thinks he's neurodiverse too. Two children involved. We started the divorce process after the new year with him going into detail why he hates me and he fantasises I die a slow and painful death. I haven't pressed charges previously as I need his income to cover the household expenses and him getting a conviction would end his career and put the financial burden on me- selfish I know. Anyway, he's been looking for a fight all weekend and this evening, in front of the Dc, he kicked and punched me after a perceived slight. I'm still in shock but the police arrived and it was his word against mine- he called them telling them I'd hit him first (I pushed him away as he first went for me). My worry now is the children's mental health and finances. What's going to happen? He's in a new job after a period of unemployment and I almost killed myself working two jobs. Im so so scared. His arrest also means, my own job is affected as I'll have to start work late after dropping kids off (I already work flexible and leave early and make up that time in the evenings). Wtf am I going to do?!

No family (parents dead and siblings estranged in a different part of the country). I'm shit scared.

OP….you are NOT a fuck up.

He is a fuck up.

Trust me, when it comes to protecting your children, you’ll find a strength you never knew you had. Take one step at a time. Like pp said, don’t worry about 2027 yet.

Calm down have a coffee.

1st thing. Social will ring you as they witnessed it.

2nd he will be prosecuted and rightly so.

3rd get rid and claim uc if kids have any adhd or asd get a dla claim in and uc increases also.

1. Sell the house buy som3 where cheaper or else where cheaper and find a new job

1. Childminder or breakfast club

Do you have sick pay. Get 1.month of sick for stress.

Seconding contacting Gingerbread for expert advice there.
If you want to keep the house, perhaps getting a lodger in to help with the rent? Even just a stop gap for a few months

You need this to happen. If no charges pressed, he could ask them to delete data and if you were to ever self defend and hurt him, you’d have no evidence of previous issues.

Your mortgage and bills are soo high OP, no wonder you are stressed. You will need to sell and find something cheaper. It may be smaller but it will be safe and filled with love and that's all that matters.

Check with your employer, they may have a Domestic Abuse Policy. Reputable employers may have family support leave, compassionate leave or even emergency leave that you may be eligible for. I appreciate not all employers have these but it’s worth checking. It avoids a sickness absence if you’re worried about that & it gives you some respite from work

You’re worrying about things that don’t matter at the moment. What matters is that you’re alive and safe. You’ve saved yourself and your children from a horrible situation. Give women’s aid a call. Support a police prosecution.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

Firstly, you are not a fuck up, and everything is going to be ok.

As others have said, get the non molestation order, and get him out.

Some things which may help you:

Call the GP tomorrow morning, if they have no appointments, tell them you need an urgent appointment with the duty doctor. Get them to sign you off for a couple of weeks with stress or something. This will give you some time to get your ducks in a row and take care of yourself and the kids.

Contact citizens advice, they will be able to help with benefits advice.

Go to your mortgage account online. The mortgage charter states that you have the right to change your mortgage to interest only for 6 months. You can do it online, and don't need your exes input. This will reduce the payments for 6 months and take the pressure off.

Apply for universal credit online. You can also get a SMI loan from them which will pay some of the interest on your mortgage. You would need to repay it when the house is sold, but if there is not enough equity it is written off.

You can do this, and you are going to be fine. Your life is going to be so much better without that bastard, I promise x

I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this right now. Could you consider relocating to somewhere cheaper or would that not be possible with your job or may be it would be too disruptive?

OP its ok to leave the house you are in and make a home with your kids somewhere else. It really is.

It sounds like you are in shock right now. Call the samaritans for some comfort.

As well as all the other helpful suggestions upthread I would also make contact with your bank. You may be able to out in place a pause on your mortgage or an interest payment only for the short term which would give you some breathing space.

Start with gingerbread. Use this thread to write out your thoughts if you find that helpful. Wishing you all the best. This is such a tough time for you but you will get through it.

I know it may feel a lot right now...but you will get through this. Take some deep breaths & calm yourself down.
My son was 3 when his father kick the shit out of me in front of him. Not the first time he'd hit me but the first in front of my son. I decided then that I would not allow my precious boy to grow up seeing that behaviour. He doesn't remember it happening. You & your children deserve to live in a safe & happy environment. You can do this. The answers may not all come at once but they will come & you will be better off & stronger without him.

You’ve been the victim of a crime. If you had been mugged on the street you wouldn’t think twice about time off.

Pause. Recover. Get organised.

Get a mortgage holiday.

Rethink.

You may lose the house- but you and your DC are alive and that’s a bonus after his behaviour. He’s very dangerous.

You are going to sell the house and move someplace cheaper. You will use any benefits programs available to help you get through this time.

you can’t keep your children in a home where they are being abused. Witnessing violence is abuse. Even if you think they aren’t aware because you think they are asleep or in another room, they know.

This.
Op big deep breath, just deal with here and now.
Sending you a big hug you poor love xx

I know selling and getting a smaller cheaper place is maybe daunting but I just wanted to say hi as a single mother currently living in a very cosy one bed flat with my 4 year old 🙂👋We’re both 5000 times happier than we were in a bigger place and a bad relationship. Wishing you all the luck with this situation OP xxx

So what is the £400 left over needed for? genuine question.

Op, I didn't press charges, went in for a welfare chat, gave a couple of examples of his behaviours and he was arrested that evening. Appeared in court and bailed with conditions not to enter our village or contact me. Apparently his solicitor told him to stop paying his portion of the bills so I'm really struggling at the moment, have less than £400 to buy fuel and food with.

He told you that he fantasised about you dying a slow death. What a pos! You are going to be OK if you follow the advice of some of the people on here.

I am so sorry that you and your DC have been put through this.

You can apply for Universal credit. They won't help with the mortgage but you can get help with child care etc

OP, better for you to lose your house than your life. Houses can be replaced but you are irreplaceable to your children and to the people who love you. If you stay with him he will kill you. Thats the only other way this ends.

You are going to be okay, your kids are going to be okay. They are going to be so so proud of you for putting them first and for making a better, peaceful, safer life for them.

You're in shock OP and not thinking straight. Your children are not safe living with a monster who hurts their Mum. He could kill you the next time and they will be left growing up hating him.

Take a breath, you cannot allow him to come home and you ask the Police to press charges. Day by day, this will get better.

Take a breath. You are trying to solve the entire problem all in one go.
-First drink water, eat, take a bath. Do whatever you can to help regulate yourself your brain must be all over the place.
-Next look again at emergency domestic abuse support. You need a non-molestation order and try for an occupation order which is an order which excludes him from the house for a period. They aren't easy to get but you have clear evidence.
-Do not make excuses for him. Even if he is neurodiverse that doesn't not give him a licence to domestically abuse you emotionally and now physically. My wife is autistic she does not abuse me because autism doesn't make you abuse people. Neither does depression.
-If the house does need to be sold in the longer term that isn't something you have to worry about right now. Do not attempt to plan for 2027. Plan each day.
-Think about some GP help
-Ask children's services if they can give you a list of solicitors on the children's panel they may be able to offer support

Do you know what your children need the most of all? You, alive, safe, and looking after them. You have to protect yourself, for their sake. Please cooperate with the police. He has been fantasising about your horrible death, and now he has physically assaulted you. You are, I am afraid, at significant risk of major harm from him.

Op you must feel so conflicted and confused. But to everyone on this thread it’s clear as day what you need to do.

You THOUGHT he loved you and he was a good man. He doesn’t love you and he’s a terrible person. You need to leave, a smaller cosier house with love, and no threat of violence will be 1000 x better than the bigger place with the giant mortgage you’re in now.