I think my wife has been having affair and is now PG! Should i demand a DNA test?

[JosephofNazareth]

We've been together for ages, but all of a sudden she was dead keen to get married. I do love her though, so went along with it. It's only recently that i noticed she has been piling on the pounds.

Turns out that she is 39 weeks PG. We only married a few months back. She swears it is mine, as she was a virgin before we got married. I'm really worried though that the baby is not mine, and thinking about a guy who was hanging round her a while back.

What should I do? We're due to go back to my home village over the holidays. I'll be humilated!

Sorry my darling, I have been busy in RL. You should have seen the queues in Asda!

Have you found us somewhere to stay? Don't think I can keep my legs crossed much longer!

Ummmm......Well mate in the pub says we can use his ummmm back room. It's not exactly ensuite, but I've been busy getting in ready for you. The bed is ummm comfy. And I know you've always been an animal lover....

Mary this is not good enough. He is fobbing you off.
Just MHO

Is Lulumama about?
Breathe...erm...and knit.

Well there's plenty of ummm wool about the place. Maybe I should start. I've got hot water and towels. What else do i need to think about?

Light to see the birth by?

Don't care where, this baby is COMING!!!! (pants and tries to remember breathing exercises). Did you pack the TENS machine, Joseph, because I think I left it in Jerusalem...

Mary calm down, dont think the baby will be here before midnight.

[wipes Marys brow, and sends Joe back into the pub for more hot water, and wonders where the hell Lulu has got to)

Joseph - I think you need the Jeremy Kyle Show. He'll sort out a DNA test for you.

do you know if it's a boy or girl? any names picked?

i have bets on it being a girl

I'll take you up on that bet (between contractions atm)

I'm going for Kyle of Nazareth. Mary disagrees and wants one of these old fashioned religious names. There are loads of Matthews and Marks in the family already fgs.

Sorry about the straw Mary. it was the best i could manage. They don't recommend that you spend too much time laying down anyway. That sheep looks quite bouncy.

Kyle is so passe. How about Rory of Nazareth? I suppose Nebuchadnezzar is out?

Why are those shepherds staring down from that hill????

I'm not naming the baby Jeremy or Kyle! Even if he will pay us 1000s of talents! Ouch ouch ouch ouch

Are you sure its one???

Sometimes it FEELS like there are THREE in there... but I believe there is only one

Will you keep a lid on it, love?

Trying to get a bit of sleep over here!

Joseph, I think it's admirable you're standing by Mary at this point in time.

Your little one is going to grow up amidst all sort of gossip and rumour after this kind of rocky start, I'm so glad you haven't washed your hands of them.

Don't crucify yourself, you're being an utter saint.

[runs in out of brethe]

Blardy hell, there are Three Kings riding up the road!!!!!!

they're early aren't they shoshe? Baby isn't even here yet!

They old me that they were following that helicopter light, they are staying at the flash Hotel just outside town.