Page 16 | Am I being unreasonable about our household spending?

CalmCanyon · 2026-07-10T09:28:11+00:00

I’m interested in getting a reality check on our household spending because I’m struggling to work out whether I’m being unreasonable or whether our costs really are out of line. We’re a family of four plus a dog in the South East of England. One of our daughters is at university and isn’t home most of the time, and her spending isn’t included here as she has her own finances. Our monthly spending is roughly: - *Finances (mortgage, council tax, utilities, insurance, phones, broadband and other regular household bills): £1,833* - *Groceries: £869* - *Shopping (clothes, household items, Amazon, etc.): £583* - *Transport: £253* - *Eating out: £109* - *Home & Family: £78* - *General: £68* - *Children: £32* Total: *around £3,825 per month*. The grocery and shopping figures are what concern me most. I don’t actually do most of the food shopping or day-to-day purchases—my partner does. As the sole earner, I see the overall numbers each month and I’m finding it increasingly difficult to make the budget work. I’ve tried to have calm conversations about our spending and whether we could cut back, but they usually end in disagreement. From my perspective it’s becoming a financial issue; from hers it doesn’t seem to be viewed in the same way. Unfortunately it’s started to affect our relationship, and at the moment it feels more like we’re housemates than a family working towards the same goals. I’m genuinely looking for outside perspectives.

Original poster

CalmCanyon · 22/08/2026 19:35

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 22/08/2026 18:58

Twice now you have suggested that she will get half of the house and she can last on that for 3/4 years - surely she would need to buy somewhere to live with that money
and it appears the home is not owned outright as you speak of mortgage

so just exactly how much are we talking about ?

And at her age, what type of low paid min wage job do you think she will be walking into ? after not being at work for 20 years
You talk about training etc. but in what.

Does she have a degree and did she ever work in the field her degree is in ?

What did she freelance in ?
What was her small business in ?

My sympathies are with her once you said

'She told me that she had been unhappy with the way I have worried about money over the years. She feels that my attitude towards money restricted some of the things she wanted to do. She said that at times I behaved like Scrooge, which, unfortunately, I can recognise in some past situations.
She also believes that I will not change.
She said that whenever we went on holiday or went out, she often felt that I was not able to fully enjoy the experience because I was always conscious of how much we were spending. She said that she used to dream of the day when we could do these things without me worrying about the cost, but she can no longer imagine that happening.

And are you promising us she is safe:

She also said that during our last argument, she felt that the situation might have become physical because of me.

After selling the house, we would probably have around £120k–£130k each.
When I said she could last 3–4 years, I meant that this amount could support her while renting, at least initially.
She is capable of doing kitchen design or interior design work, as she has previous freelance experience in this area. I have suggested that she could return to this type of work, but she says she does not want to. She could also take further courses to update or develop her skills if necessary, although I personally believe she is already capable of doing the work.
Regarding my behaviour, I did recognise some of the patterns, particularly when I was under financial pressure. I realised that it could not continue and that the way I was behaving was not healthy. That is why I initiated a conversation with her about whether there was any way she could contribute or help reduce the pressure.
I was also always conscious of keeping our spending within what we could afford, as I was the main earner. We did have many holidays together and spent plenty of time doing things as a family, but generally within our means. However, I do accept that there were times when I restricted certain things too much.
My tendency to worry about money may never disappear completely, as I am naturally someone who thinks about financial security. However, I recognise the importance of each of us having our own spending money.
Regarding her saying she did not feel safe, I want to be clear that I would never hurt her physically. During last conversation she made the remark that she felt she was "one step away from becoming my punching bag".
The trust between us now seems to be gone on both sides. During our conversation, she describes and interprets our relationship very differently from how I remember and experienced it. That makes it difficult, because I feel that we are now looking back at the same years together through completely different lenses.

OP posts:

Silverbirchleaf · 22/08/2026 19:42

“ was also always conscious of keeping our spending within what we could afford,”

I think in most relationships you have one person who keeps an eye on finances, so don’t feel guilty at this, and if it means restricting certain activities, so be it. We’d all love a Porsche, but if you can only afford a Ford Fiesta, then a Ford Fiesta is what you have to buy.

ToohotToohotToohot · 22/08/2026 20:21

CalmCanyon · 22/08/2026 17:32

Update:
So, after our last argument and a few weeks of distance, we finally had a long conversation. I went into it trying not to argue or defend myself, but mainly to listen.
She told me that she had been unhappy with the way I have worried about money over the years. She feels that my attitude towards money restricted some of the things she wanted to do. She said that at times I behaved like Scrooge, which, unfortunately, I can recognise in some past situations.
She also believes that I will not change.
She said that whenever we went on holiday or went out, she often felt that I was not able to fully enjoy the experience because I was always conscious of how much we were spending. She said that she used to dream of the day when we could do these things without me worrying about the cost, but she can no longer imagine that happening.
She feels that we have become two very different people. She said that her sense of trust and safety with me is gone. She also said that during our last argument, she felt that the situation might have become physical because of me.
She also said that she sometimes felt my relationship with her was based on convenience. When I started talking about money and finances, she felt that her contribution to our family was devalued.
We also spoke about the possibility of her working. I suggested things such as design work or something related to fashion, as these are areas she has an interest in. However, she does not feel that, in her current state, she is capable of doing that. At times there was sarcasm in the conversation, which I pointed out because I found it hurtful and demeaning.
My overall impression is that she still places most of the responsibility for what has happened in our relationship on me. There were many expectations she had of me and of our life together that she feels I failed to fulfil. I have told her that with my income and our circumstances, some of those expectations were simply not financially possible.
I believe our relationship as a couple is over. I am now trying to process everything that has been said, understand my own part in what happened, and work out how we move forward from here—particularly as we still have a family and practical matters to consider.
I don't think this conversation gave me much hope of reconciliation, but perhaps it gave me more clarity about how differently we have experienced the same relationship.

she thinks there is a magic money tree.

Her behaviour is not adult.
She's gaslighting you.

Making you feel guilty for being careful over money while she wants what she wants. Without working for it.

I think you need to divorce. There is no way forward otherwise.

Silverbirchleaf · 22/08/2026 20:28

“she thinks there is a magic money tree.”

Sums up in one sentence what i was trying to explain earlier.

lazyarse123 · 22/08/2026 20:46

She's cheeky saying that you control spending. You have to if there's only you contributing. Someone has to know how much is coming in and how much is going out. We'd all like the opportunity to not work but it's not practical for most. She's going to have to get used to fending for herself. The only issue you may have if you do separate is she might be entitled to spousal support, i'm not sure how that works.

Bridesmaidorexfriend · 22/08/2026 20:57

If my DW was accusing me of being Scrooge and said what yours has said, I’d leave and start the process of separating finances

EvieBB · 22/08/2026 22:46

CalmCanyon · 22/08/2026 19:35

After selling the house, we would probably have around £120k–£130k each.
When I said she could last 3–4 years, I meant that this amount could support her while renting, at least initially.
She is capable of doing kitchen design or interior design work, as she has previous freelance experience in this area. I have suggested that she could return to this type of work, but she says she does not want to. She could also take further courses to update or develop her skills if necessary, although I personally believe she is already capable of doing the work.
Regarding my behaviour, I did recognise some of the patterns, particularly when I was under financial pressure. I realised that it could not continue and that the way I was behaving was not healthy. That is why I initiated a conversation with her about whether there was any way she could contribute or help reduce the pressure.
I was also always conscious of keeping our spending within what we could afford, as I was the main earner. We did have many holidays together and spent plenty of time doing things as a family, but generally within our means. However, I do accept that there were times when I restricted certain things too much.
My tendency to worry about money may never disappear completely, as I am naturally someone who thinks about financial security. However, I recognise the importance of each of us having our own spending money.
Regarding her saying she did not feel safe, I want to be clear that I would never hurt her physically. During last conversation she made the remark that she felt she was "one step away from becoming my punching bag".
The trust between us now seems to be gone on both sides. During our conversation, she describes and interprets our relationship very differently from how I remember and experienced it. That makes it difficult, because I feel that we are now looking back at the same years together through completely different lenses.

Show quote history

How dare she put the onus of keeping the family afloat financially solely on you!....and then blame you for not being able to fulfil some of her dreams. She is beyond entitled. I'm so cross on your behalf! How about she earn her own bloody money if she wants to fulfil her various ambitions. Honestly, the cheek of her!

Shatteredallthetimelately · 22/08/2026 22:55

She wants a life of Riley but refuses to work or contribute financially.

For your own sanity leave and live your life without having to worry about having to support someone that's so self absorbed, there's no way they can be reasoned with.

ToohotToohotToohot · 23/08/2026 07:33

I wonder if you might benefit from counselling, yourself OP?
One thing that strikes me is that you come over in your posts as very lucid and reasonable but there is also a strange sense of no anger. Maybe there is in real life.

Kindly, are you neurodivergent? There is something detached about your style of writing which, although it's very intelligent, somehow lacks emotion.

Most men would be angry if this was how their partners treated them.
You seem to be reasonable to the point of not able to make a decision when the situation is untenable and has been for a long time.

I think your marriage is over and you need to accept that. I do wonder though if when you talk to your wife you come over as lacking in emotion (as in your posting style.)

Next step is to see a solicitor and talk through the finances and how that will work.

Original poster

CalmCanyon · 23/08/2026 08:01

ToohotToohotToohot · 23/08/2026 07:33

I wonder if you might benefit from counselling, yourself OP?
One thing that strikes me is that you come over in your posts as very lucid and reasonable but there is also a strange sense of no anger. Maybe there is in real life.

Kindly, are you neurodivergent? There is something detached about your style of writing which, although it's very intelligent, somehow lacks emotion.

Most men would be angry if this was how their partners treated them.
You seem to be reasonable to the point of not able to make a decision when the situation is untenable and has been for a long time.

I think your marriage is over and you need to accept that. I do wonder though if when you talk to your wife you come over as lacking in emotion (as in your posting style.)

Next step is to see a solicitor and talk through the finances and how that will work.

I have a stable personality and I rarely lose control of my emotions.
We've been dealing with these issues for more than a year and a half now. At the beginning I experienced all kinds of emotions, including anger, sadness and resentment.
Also I had counselling which helped me reframe the situation and process my feelings.

OP posts:

Girlintheframe · 23/08/2026 08:25

I think your DW is being very unrealistic and is sadly going to have a big wake up moment if you split. Unfortunately most of us have to live within a budget, as most do not have unlimited resources. This usually means a level of control/self discipline. If your he only breadwinner and have to be responsible for ensuring everything gets paid and your DW has a different attitude then of course you are going to have to be the one to control the finances. Unless of course you’ve been financially abusive which doesn’t sound like the case at all.

It sounds like you either both need to go to counselling to see if you can unravel this or you need to walk away. Maybe even having some time apart will be enough to make your DW realise that in the real world adults have to take responsibility for the boring stuff and working for most is not an option they can escape.

BMW58 · 23/08/2026 08:44

I'm sorry you couldn't get through to her OP, set yourself free and I hope she wakes up to her new reality!

Good luck

thewhitebags · 23/08/2026 08:58

Her refusal to work alongside her refusal to spend within a budget is completely unreasonable. If you both decide your household can manage on a single income, great, but that can only work if the non-working partner spends within a budget. The Amazon spending and big food bills just sounds like mindless frittering, so it’s completely understandable why you’d feel resentful of that.

You asking her to be more careful in spending money in no way devalues the contribution she’s made to raising children or maintaining the house. It’s absolutely wild to me that she can’t understand that a) choosing not to work is a huge privilege but b) that usually comes with the responsibility of spending wisely.

Also, what’s the malarkey about ‘social media algorithms’ preventing her from getting more work? The social media companies WANT people to make money because that in turn makes more money for them. If she’s not making money any more, either her product is wrong or she’s doing social media wrong.

Viviennemary · 23/08/2026 09:10

I think you need to seek a divorce from this selfish person. As long as you're prepared to let her be a financial leech she will be.

ToohotToohotToohot · 23/08/2026 10:58

CalmCanyon · 23/08/2026 08:01

I have a stable personality and I rarely lose control of my emotions.
We've been dealing with these issues for more than a year and a half now. At the beginning I experienced all kinds of emotions, including anger, sadness and resentment.
Also I had counselling which helped me reframe the situation and process my feelings.

Show quote history

I have a stable personality and I rarely lose control of my emotions.

That is a rather robotic reply.

No one is suggesting you 'lose control'. There is a big difference between losing control and being more emotional when the situation requires more expression of feelings. Or action, rather than going over the same ground month after month.

You've mentioned splitting the equity of your home. You should also look at the maintenance you'd need to pay for your children.

Your partner has no intention of working. She isn't willing to up-skill or retrain. Basically, she wants to stay at home even though your children are old enough to allow her to work.

You're not equal partners.

It's clear she has no respect for you and is only with you as she can't support herself. She's said that.

I'm sure it's very sad and something hard to accept but the best way forwards is to start taking the practical steps needed to get out of this relationship- you're not married so don't need a divorce (is that right?) but you may still need legal advice.

FloofyKat · 23/08/2026 12:22

What stands out for me here is that your partner appears, from what you have said, to be very focused on what she needs to/ wants without any recognition of how this might feel from your perspective. And it’s not really about the money, it’s about bring proper equal partners.

Regardless of her comments about losing her identity, algorithms not working etc, it’s hard to see any evidence of her trying to understand the financial realities of your situation.

A reasonable person would have said ok, let’s sit down and look our budget. We have X coming in so we need to make sure we’re not spending beyond our means. And acknowledging that while it’s nice to have treats etc, you don’t want go get into debt etc.

But she doesn’t seem to have ‘seen’ any of his. She views your worries about expenditure being baseless / extreme, a way of curtailing this flexibility’ she craves. She will not look at budgets, talk about pensions, confront the truths that it really is best to not spend more than is coming in. And won’t entertain any notion of contributing towards the lifestyle she wants by getting any kind of job.

I’m sorry that it seems this hurdle may be the one that causes your relationship to break. But without a willingness on her part to engage, to meet you at least halfway on matters ££££, I fear that splitting may be your only option.

Bunnycat101 · 24/08/2026 20:31

She sounds lazy and selfish I’m afraid. Wouldn’t we all love to have the freedom to waltz around all day? There is literally no way she’s pulling her weight as a sahp to a teenager. She could have easily agreed to find a part time job to start with to bring in some extra money- even just doing 10 hours a week on minimum wage would have eased your finances significantly and given a bit more flexibility.

If she thought you were tight with managing the budget she has had many years where she could have been more proactive re earning more.

Empress13 · 05/09/2026 08:47

What’s home and family and general entail? And £583 on Amazon ?? I’d be looking at those costs first

Bulldog01 · 06/09/2026 17:29

Husband & I have a retired income of £2582 every 4 weeks.No mortgage or rent.We paid off the mortgage & downsized.
live in a old 2 bed terrace.

Per month

Council tax £146.00
Water £50.50
TV licence £14.75
Gas & elecric monthly amount £300.00 old house.At home mostly 24/7
Car/building insurance £62.00
Petol £50.00
Next account £125.00
Internet & phones £90.00
Food & toiletries £550-600 Husband likes High protein meals.
Christmas & birthdays £80.00
Holidays £100.00
£16182.00 approx.
I think this is too much, on our income,it's not sustainable.

EvieBB · 07/09/2026 01:27

Bulldog01 · 06/09/2026 17:29

Husband & I have a retired income of £2582 every 4 weeks.No mortgage or rent.We paid off the mortgage & downsized.
live in a old 2 bed terrace.

Per month

Council tax £146.00
Water £50.50
TV licence £14.75
Gas & elecric monthly amount £300.00 old house.At home mostly 24/7
Car/building insurance £62.00
Petol £50.00
Next account £125.00
Internet & phones £90.00
Food & toiletries £550-600 Husband likes High protein meals.
Christmas & birthdays £80.00
Holidays £100.00
£16182.00 approx.
I think this is too much, on our income,it's not sustainable.

Those costs sound about right ....and you still have some wiggle room

DailyEnergyCrisis · 07/09/2026 02:09

Op I can relate a bit to the dynamics of your relationship in that DH is calm, consistent, considered, frugal and I’m a bit more spontaneous and a bit of a spendthrift at times. But I consider financing our family a joint responsibility and though we’ve not needed me to work for additional income I do, and though don’t contribute equally I have a very decent salary and do 80% of the childcare (kids still very young).
Working hard as a member of a family is an essential for me- whether working FT, PT or staying at home if affordable and adjusting expectations accordingly- it’s not possible to have everything you want, all of the time without financing it yourself, which is the point she’s missing.

ToohotToohotToohot · 09/09/2026 20:10

Bulldog01 · 06/09/2026 17:29

Husband & I have a retired income of £2582 every 4 weeks.No mortgage or rent.We paid off the mortgage & downsized.
live in a old 2 bed terrace.

Per month

Council tax £146.00
Water £50.50
TV licence £14.75
Gas & elecric monthly amount £300.00 old house.At home mostly 24/7
Car/building insurance £62.00
Petol £50.00
Next account £125.00
Internet & phones £90.00
Food & toiletries £550-600 Husband likes High protein meals.
Christmas & birthdays £80.00
Holidays £100.00
£16182.00 approx.
I think this is too much, on our income,it's not sustainable.

Can I ask why this is on this thread and not a new one?
How does it relate to the original post?
You might get more help by starting your own thread.

EvieBB · 10/09/2026 00:47

ToohotToohotToohot · 09/09/2026 20:10

Can I ask why this is on this thread and not a new one?
How does it relate to the original post?
You might get more help by starting your own thread.

Show quote history

I think it's ok on here and found it helpful to compare....it's on topic so relates to original post

ToohotToohotToohot · 10/09/2026 08:07

EvieBB · 10/09/2026 00:47

I think it's ok on here and found it helpful to compare....it's on topic so relates to original post

Show quote history

@EvieBB The original post is about a relationship and disagreements. There is a great Money Matters part of MN- maybe worth posting there?

Nearly50omg · 10/09/2026 12:08

CalmCanyon · 10/07/2026 10:42

Ignore general, it was mislabelled. I use Snoop app so have my own way of labelling the expense. Home & family was for event tickets, children is expense for school.
Shopping might include toiletries as these were bought of Amazon which I can’t distinguish from other shopping.

Still is £500 OVER what it should be!!! Stop buying shit off Amazon and learn to budget and buy skincare and makeup off other things like lookfantastic or cult etc and use the discount codes they have on all the time or influencer codes! Also learn how to buy beauty boxes which are for example £20 and you get £200 worth of stuff including the high end products you’re clearly using! NO ONE needs to buy skincare etc every month!!! They last months so don’t need to be purchased monthly!!