Am I being unreasonable about our household spending?

[CalmCanyon]

I’m interested in getting a reality check on our household spending because I’m struggling to work out whether I’m being unreasonable or whether our costs really are out of line.
We’re a family of four plus a dog in the South East of England. One of our daughters is at university and isn’t home most of the time, and her spending isn’t included here as she has her own finances.
Our monthly spending is roughly:

• Finances (mortgage, council tax, utilities, insurance, phones, broadband and other regular household bills): £1,833
• Groceries: £869
• Shopping (clothes, household items, Amazon, etc.): £583
• Transport: £253
• Eating out: £109
• Home & Family: £78
• General: £68
• Children: £32

Total: around £3,825 per month. The grocery and shopping figures are what concern me most. I don’t actually do most of the food shopping or day-to-day purchases—my partner does. As the sole earner, I see the overall numbers each month and I’m finding it increasingly difficult to make the budget work. I’ve tried to have calm conversations about our spending and whether we could cut back, but they usually end in disagreement. From my perspective it’s becoming a financial issue; from hers it doesn’t seem to be viewed in the same way. Unfortunately it’s started to affect our relationship, and at the moment it feels more like we’re housemates than a family working towards the same goals. I’m genuinely looking for outside perspectives.

I would separate if she’s unwilling to work.

How can she refuse to work? It's very different with young children, but once they're on high school why should she not work at all? Even part time? Unless she has severe health issues. Why would it make her loose her identity? What about your identity?!
Even if it was agreed that she does all the housework and you pay the majority of the bills, she could still do a PT job.

If it makes you feel better, we are family of 3 in the SE, groceries come in anywhere between 500 and 900+ a month - this includes all cleaning/household products and also depends on if we have been hosting much that month. Also all organic where possible. Groceries are expensive these days!

@carmexmum
What is your income though? Is it significantly more than the op's?

OP, I read your other thread. She’s a pisstaker and it sounds like your relationship is over in any event and even she says she’d leave you if she had somewhere to go. You say partner rather than wife. Does that mean you aren’t married? You’re still young - do you really want another 40 years of this shit? I would leave this relationship and focus on the next half of my life being happy.

She needs to get a grip and get a job. Sorry. Do you not find her attitude unbearable?

Your food and shopping figures are extraordinary. I spend a little less than you for a larger family, and I buy nearly all organic, do the bulk of our shopping at posh markets or in a health food shop, etc… I love food, I have no other personal luxuries (I don’t even pay for a hair cut!) and we can afford it, so I like to buy lovely food. If I needed to cut down I reckon I could probably halve my spending just by switching to aldi.

what kind of food are you buying? Do you cook from scratch?

It’s positive in a way as there’s no doubt loads of room to manoeuvre in your budget if you commit to changing habits.

but it really does sound like your partner needs a job.

I think the cause for concern here is not the actual figures but the fact that your partner is not willing to work as a team to discuss this together and make proper plans.

The stumbling block of course is her "vulnerabilities" (understandably unspecified on a public forum) and the puzzling feeling she has that she would "lose identity" if she went to work. I think these things need addressing before getting into the nitty gritty of budgeting.

Does she have a work history? Did she have a career? Does she have qualifications? Does she not want to return to previous area of work? Could she retrain?

It is hard to go back to work when the gap is so long. 5 years or so is a different thing but you have a child at uni so presumably she has been out of the market for a long time. It is possible to feel daunted by the prospect of launching yourself out there again.

I think her problems need exploring.

Lose identity? Identity as what?

Sorry but in a relationship all decisions need to be discussed. Neither of you get to just say no.

I was trying to understand her and believe what she means is that she does not want to be put in a frame of working certain hours as it would put her in situation where she cannot be flexible.
Stopped working regular hours nearly 20 years ago.
She likes independence and use her skills in her own time.
She has her own small business which brought her small irregular income but it is now in recess.
Also she was doing freelancing which I could see she was really enjoying but it stopped due to issues with other party.
From what I can understand regular work would not be considered an option for her.

Not sure that's relevant to my comment - I'm just saying I think groceries these days ARE expensive, especially in the SE compared to say, the NE (I know because I spend a lot of time in the latter too). And people think "groceries" is just day to day food but if that figure contains house hold items, dog food and any hosting, then that adds up to what they have listed in the OP.

I think everyone in relationships can say no - but what other party would do with this statement is the other side of coin.

It’s going to have to be an option. What does she plan to do if you split up or you die?

Probably something related to this vague freelance work that doesn’t generate any money.

eg an artist or something.

How does the money get spent? Does she have access to all the money through a joint account or a credit card? Can you put a stop to the registered Amazon card?

Op - I agree that the grocery and shopping bills are far too high. I think the hard conversation is about choices. The obvious choice is to work or to reduce costs. Both involve change for her and it is easier to carry on what you are doing than to plan and make that change so I would aim to jointly agree a timeline for that. I am a high earner but do not spend that amount and eat very well (similar no of people, no pets).

I think you need to lay it down for her - you can't sustain your current outgoings and regardless, it's time she picks relieves some of the financial pressure you are feeling gets a job ASAP. Any job will do for the time being and then she can work on her dream - a couple of days in the supermarket might be an idea to not only bring in extra money but also get a discount on your own groceries!

Lose her identity? I mean sorry but this just smacks of entitled and lazy unless you've missed a bit piece of vital info about her life or circumstances.

Well if you split up, she won’t have much choice about the matter will she. There is no way I could be in a relationship with someone like this. I’d also like to be flexible and not work set hours. Surprise surprise, if I did this, my mortgage wouldn’t get paid, so I can’t.

She would receive half of the house (not married) - this would provide around 3-4 years of living.
If I die she would be fine.
The insurance would kick in.
Currently there are wills in place from my side so there would be no issue.
Obviously we are going through the rough patch now so all other thoughts are coming to my mind.

I think we would all like our independence and to pick and choose when we work but that is not how real life is.

My late doctor OH had to virtually leave work because of his health problems but even then he did locums etc. where he was able. I had to up my working hours to keep us afloat as a family and we tightened our belts in a big way - but we were a family team and all understood the realities and responded accordingly - everyone had to forgo something.

If your partner's desire not to pull her weight financially is simply based on a wish not to be tied down to work, then this puts a different perspective on things than the idea that she has "vulnerabilities" which prevent her from working.

That would make sense although I maintain that all options need to be discussed and honestly considered. Relationship require compromise at times and shutting down entire areas of solutions isn't fair.

Exactly. Spot on

The more you post the worse the situation sounds. It doesn't really sounds like she's interested in even considering the option of work and in your shoes, I'd really struggle to respect someone who said some of the things your partner has. Is the relationship even worth saving?

Your groceries and shopping are insane. We spend £100 a week for 2 adults and 1 child, including toiletries, cleaning and cat food. Can't even think when I last used Amazon.
But anyway your bigger issue is your partner not working without having any good reason. You need to set an ultimatum. And actually they are putting themselves at risk as it sounds like you aren't married so they are entitled to zero if you were to split up.

Work gives you an identity.
I am quite significantly disabled and work from home. AI has really affected my area but I do my best. My other half is the main breadwinner (own business) but I assist with admin and bookkeeping.
I am a much better planner than him and he doesn’t like budget sit-downs but I made them as simple as possible and with tweaks in those budgets they have made so much difference.
This woman, quite frankly, is having a laugh and a lovely time. It’s not sustainable. If ever able working adult said I don’t want to work it’s not for me, we would come to a standstill.
From her point of you if she feels you are a bit too stern/unemotional then that Indi understand.
Why have you never married?