We're sorry about your fanny - here, have a balloon! We might use cock rings and ear needles, but we definitely don't use contraband to get us upduffed - it's Just Shagging thread 41!

[LaLaLaaaa]

Ladies, Fred title says it all; we are the ones who shag as much as our men can cope with in order to get upduffed without the stress of scientific whatnots!

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also know as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a kitten = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit). Or PIATLH (Tea light holder) PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in! PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage. Self explanatory, who wouldn't?

ROC - Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Optional decorations include photographs of controversial political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Shagging like Something = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a hooya = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into ttc obsession. Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

SOTM = Shagger of the Month. Awarded with varying regularity to those viroids who go above and beyond EOD shagging in pursuit of that BFP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedingering!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

Doing A Lemon = Testing WAAAAAAAY to early!

Miroid - The male compadre of a viroid 

Cat - Compulsory 

The link to Part 40 is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2320175-Lifes-a-bitch-but-we-keep-on-shagging-Weve-stocked-up-on-gin-and-pics-of-cats-If-your-Miroid-cant-give-you-the-big-O-then-LTB-and-come-join-us-50-shades-got-nothing-on-us-Its-JSing-40?" target="_blank">Here</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2322010-Calmly-and-regally-gestating-our-beans-in-a-land-of-obsessive-ILs-placenta-horticulture-sweary-doctors-and-naked-pancake-cravings-Its-the-JS-grads-thread-23?" target="_blank">Here</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-websites-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Here</a>

We are the dark side of MN. Welcome.

Poamfs sky!

Piss on it!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lil, your H is no longer D. If he can't/won't, then you are fully entitled to make a lot of "noise" do it yourself with a buzzy friend. Is this just a recent thing? Perhaps the mc has got to him? clutches straws

Pissers! Piss!

no honey its happened before. he's just a twat, and yes just h for now! hopefully he'll stew about it at work today. twat

Gouda graduating in here means getting upduffed and moving to the js ante natal thread, but yes u can have ur newbie sticker removed.

at least I don't have to drive the twat to work today. so I can stay in bed.

I'm in bed too Lil but I am working today and really should leave about 8.35! Ooops! Shower time. does your shower have multiple settings? They are quite effective

Morning viroids, can I join?

Name: Carrot
Age: 29
DC: 16mo DS
TTC: one mc Jan 2015, currently waiting for second red witch to bugger off

Yay more newbies :)

Any update from sky and black?

lol honey that made me chuckle.

I've made it out of bed but only cos I'm hungry! joggy bottoms and hoidy day today though

we haven't heard from stoat for a bit. hope ur OK stoat

*hoody

Name: totally
Age: 31
DCs: DD 20months (conceived by jsing in 2012) and a slightly dim housecat
TTC: Feb 2015

I'm naughtily partaking in temping, althougaskt is a bit all over the place so really we are just jsing every few days, or when I see pant snot. My temp shot up again today so maybe I'm not cd8 at all and I only just iced. The crazy bit of my brain is doing little cheer routines and telling me it might be triphasic but I'm trying not to get my hopes up.

Great thread filling jelly, made me snort and startle the cat!

Welcome juno and ewu

lil sorry 'd'h is being carp. Is make up sex on the ageNda? Hopefully he'll be nice and contrite later! Your necklace is lovely, totally worth the post office hassle.

I know I'm a bit late to the discussion, but for ic tests they pick up 10miu of hcg. The baseline for a non pregnant woman is 5miu apparently. So I can see it may be possible to get a false positive, eg if you had very concentrated pee, but I wonder if they're more often picking up a very early cp. This is why testing early is bad, in the past no one would have noticed these because we would have waited until af was late. not that that's likely to stop me mind you if I even knew when af was due

At least you had sex lil cd14 here and not even one shag! That's been almost 4 weeks now since we last shagged! Such a bad jser. It's a good job my body doesn't know what it's doing or we would be wasting this.

Welcome newbies!

Sorry for the monster post

Also welcome to carrot

And sorry for my rubbish autocorrect. Apparently it doesn't like me swearing.

Welcome carrot :)

Hope you are ok too stoat. Been a while since we heard from you x

Urgh the suspense is killing me pissers.

Placemarking!
Name:Tee
Age: 31
TTC since Feb '14. Got upduffed Sept 14. Currently Hauling around a 28 week boy flavoured bump.
No other DCs aside from three delinquent cats.
Firm believer in ghost jizz/sex toy as conception aids..... ;)

totally its bad enough getting.g him to shag me every 3-4 days so I doubt there will be any make up sex. not sure I want him near me right now anyway. his reason was "you didn't seem like you wanted anything" so that made him an uber twat. my reply was that him flossing his teeth and talking about his mother did somewhat kill the mood. at least I can tell he's still feeling guilty this morning. problem is it turns into a woe us my I can't do anything right thing. not oops I'm sorry I shouldn't gave done that, I'll make it up to u.

hi carrot welcome to the madness.

Welcome Carrot!

Hoody day... That would be nice! I'll do that tomorrow.

What was it that attracted you newbies to this thread? Was it the fanny balloon or the cock ring?

Well obviously those la, can't resist a cock ring me!

It was actually the fact that you try to avoid all the stuff that I have found made last month really stressful. Even though I wasn't using opks or temp ing I was stressing that I wasn't. I was also a horrendous symptom spotter. DH and I have agreed to be a lot more relaxed now and focus on our relationship by having lots of awesome sex (and hopefully make a baby in the process) :)

Are we supposed to be having some POAS action today?

I'm on my first day off in 2 weeks and bored witless waiting for the letting agent to come and inspect our flat. They won't do it when I'm not home now because my cats scared them last time.

Name: 5hell
Age: 33
DCs: zero (2 very large cats, aka dogs!)
TTC: Jan 2015

currently CD 14, pondering salivary ferning...does that count as contraband?

Morning Viroids! Sorry for the radio silence. DD gave me her fever and I was poorly so have only just joined the human race. I did wake up a few hours ago to release the unicorn and I missed the stick! So after making the most effort I have evcer made to wee I finally was able to squeeze out a few drops and got a BFN! I will keep testing for another day or two but am thinking perhaps that line was an early m/c or a CP. Doesn't explain why AF packed up and left town in a hurry though... Anyhow, at least now DP and I know for sure how badly we want a DC together so I am sure we will be shagging like something soon.

Welcome carrot!
lil I am a do it yourselfer! It has always proved helpful

Every conception thread you read talks about OPKs, charting, temping... I've never done this and don't want to - that's what made me join. I do roughly track my cycle - I know I need to keep putting my cape on for a week after AF leaves, and I do watch out for pant snot now and again but that's it really... No matter how many OPKs or temping you do, ultimately it's shagging that will get you upduffed, so why use it?

Sunshine your cats scared the agents? I'm also stuck in the house today as we are having a new fence put in... Not sure how I'm going to last all day with an energetic toddler!

Ha ha ha! Brilliant chat this morning!

Carrot our only non-contraband guidance is this: if you see pant snot, shag shag shag!

Some of us are naughty with opks etc but we don't obsess about it, and prefer to just say and do "fuck it"

I am on day two of EWCM. Shagging shall resume tonight!

I have found that I get shagging fatigue. Sometimes shag like Jelly before pant snot, and by the time pant snot arrives I can't be bothered! So we have shifted our focus earnest efforts to pant snot times only! Then whenever we want other times.

I rarely see pants snot even though I do drink a lot of water, so I don't use that as an indicator. Because of the injection messing my cycle up so much I do temp but last month i stopped after FF had confirmed icing. My pattern at the moment is quite amusing (it's up, down, up, down, up, down - no idea what it means??).

We just try to shag as much as possible after AF! We've DTD 6 times so far this month (AF finished on 9th) and we are currently undergoing project shag until it's not possible any more, so DTD every day up until my bday Saturday! It's quite fun actually

I must admit I do sometimes take a look at other freds on here. I find the "buses" too obsessive, they analyse every symptom. Others panic too much.

At least on here if anyone exhibits any signs of obsessing or panicking over symptoms, we will give a good "hooyah" and bring those people back down to reality. It's needed when TTC I think.

Anywho my essay is over, back to procrastinating work!

Oh Sky just saw your post! Sucks that you are still in limbo land. You should consider the possibility you have had a short AF though, so as not to get too dissapointed if it does turn out to be a BFN.

Try again tomorrow (and Pee in a ROC to avoid future stick missing, my aim is shyte).