Don't let your clits get twitchy and do anything to avoid a boil in the bag fanny. BFP wholesale van rolling in to deliver to all the viroids - no superstition, JUST SHAGGING! (Part 39)

[DulcetMoans]

Ladies, Fred title says it all; we are the ones who shag as much as our men can cope with in order to get upduffed without the stress of scientific whatnots!

Fred rules (copied and adapted from previous Fred)

1. Thou shalt shag as much as humanly possible in order to get upduffed.
2. Thou shalt not partake of OPKs, temping, or charting.
3. Thou shalt keep symptom spotting to a minimum.
4. Thou shalt share with your fredmates where needed.

JSing lingo

ERTD = Evil Red Tide of Dooooooommmmmmm. Or AF to most others. Also know as 'the witch', 'bitch witch' and 'that one with the red shiny convertible'

Viroid = This is you, dear poster. This is from the first JS thread when someone tried to type 'ladies' and it autocorrected to 'Viroids' - so there you go!

Pant snot = Egg white cervical mucus.

Doing a kitten = Getting upduffed soon after joining (warning: may induce envy in other posters).

POAS = Pee On A Stick (of the pregnancy detecting kind, not from a tree). Also known as PIAR (Pee In A Ramekin - cos we're posh birds innit). Or PIATLH (Tea light holder) PIAWG (Wine glass) or anything else you care to pee in! PONF = Pee on Nigel Farage. Self explanatory, who wouldn't?

ROC - Receptacle of Choice - what one chooses to use for the task of POAS. Optional decorations include photographs of controversial political leaders.

JIAC = Jizz in a Cup. Preferable to jizz on the carpet or jizz in the eye. This one's for the lucky men in our lives.

Shagging like Something = JSing like a teenage nymphomaniac.

Giving a hooya = Giving a much needed slap to a fellow poster in danger of slipping into ttc obsession. Warning - this may happen to you if you start trying to POAS at 5dpo. PUT. THE. PISSY. STICK. DOWN. IT'S TOO EARLY!

Contraband = Of COURSE none of us EVER partake of any silly OPKs or temp charting. They are Contraband.

Icing = ovulating. Another autocorrect development!

Getting your Cape on = planning some serious pouncing on DH/DP

SOTM = Shagger of the Month. Awarded with varying regularity to those viroids who go above and beyond EOD shagging in pursuit of that BFP

TWOT - Two Weeks of Torture. AKA Schroedingering!
TWPU - Two Week Piss Up!

Keeping your gingers = fingers crossed, yet another autocorrect development! Shortened to 'gx'

Doing A Lemon = Testing WAAAAAAAY to early!

The link to Part 38 is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2292480-Jazz-up-your-ROC-Invoke-a-Wankban-Shake-your-Beaver-and-Find-Cupboard-Love-with-the-Just-Shagging-Viroids-Dont-forget-to-Cup-and-Run-its-JS-38?" target="_blank">Here</a>

The current Grads Fred is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/2299801-JSing-Grads-turn-21-Weve-got-the-Key-to-the-door-cosy-wombles-and-a-drawer-of-dirty-spoons?" target="_blank">here</a>

The rather nobbish article in which we became a little bit notorious is <a class="break-all" href="http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/the-dark-side-of-mumsnet-my-shocking-tour-of-the-websites-nether-regions-8905055.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">here</a>

We are the dark side of MN. Welcome.

my bff has just posted her scan picture on fb and dh won't give me an orgasm, with or without sex. bad times

Oh lil that is not a good end to the week

well I talked him into DTD, and proceeded to cry afterwards. knew I would. think he did too. feel shit now. didn't even get my orgasm. my stupid brain is stopping my body from working

Hugs lil that's shit

I'm on a lovely weekend away but I feel a bit empty. Bought a piece of jewellery to commemorate my baby (as if I could forget) though

:( lil...one day at a time. You've been through a lot.

Buzzy friends? We -vibe? Been a while since we had a good we-vibe story

Oh lil I'm sorry But like la said you've been through an awful time so it won't be easy just to get back into the swing of things, don't feel bad if shagging is hard for a while.

stoat that is lovely that you bought something to remember your baby, what is it like?

It's a silver charm bracelet from Tiffany but the tag is a blue heart.

We got complimentary champagne last night and I cried drinking it. I managed to have a couple of cocktails though.

Aww lil that sucks :( give it time. you need to heal emotionally.

Temp still above the cover line today but only just :(

stoat that's lovely

Donned the cape this morning so officially in the game this month

Ah Lil sorry you're feeling so blue. It's very normal, but I guess that's no comfort.

Stoaty that sounds beautiful. I have a necklace that commemorates our little beans as part of our family.

RE weddings: My friends made my cake (free), did my hair and make-up (free) and flowers (stock price) and I did my stationary (materials cost only). Definitely saved a fair bit. Our DJ was £180 for 8-12 (mates rates) and during dinner we had the band I was part of playing (free). The favours were a well-known chocolate brand's miniatures scattered on the table - (free from the work shop). We did, however, have a gift list as we were poor students with only chipped and mismatched plates to our name

ainat I think I worked out I get about 30% of my wage taken off for various things. That's still 70% left! I know I have to pay the other things so it helps to see them as not mine in the first place. You didn't lose them because you never had them!

Oh lil take your time. The brain is rubbish at stopping orgasm but it sounds like you weren't in the right stage for it anyway. It's all part of the process and you are still allowed to cry!

That sounds lovely stoat and tiffany too!

Way to go cat!

wow chat that sounds amazing!! :)

Thanks for all the wedding tips everyone! Much appreciated!

My issue with the tax man (i started the rant yesterday) is that we get told we will get X amount as a bonus, but when it comes through, both DP and I had more than 50% of our bonus taken away. I know we are still getting bonus money so we can't complain, but a part of me feels like either the company should never tell us what we are getting pre tax (only tell you post tax earnings) or not tell you at all, because I do feel like i've lost out which is stupid!

feeling a bit meh this morning. need to find some happy cos we are going to see our new house this morning. not sure how I'll avoid a breakdown looking at what would've been our babies room, esp as they have a lot in it too.

but mostly I'm fucked off that I've been so horny and I can't get my release! dh isn't a fan of the buzzy friends. maybe I can send him on some looooong errands later and have some time to myself!

and I want my necklace to arrive as well. why did I order something from america ffs

our wedding cost £20k despite how much we did ourselves. but our reception was in a posh house out in the country, we had a toast master too. I don't regret a single penny. dread to think how much it would've cost if I'd not been savvy. I did pay for all bms dresses, jewellery etc though. we spent another £5k on honeymoon and asked for money towards it from those who wanted to give a gift. think we got about £2k ish.

I want to have my wedding again.

50%? how much do you earn! 20% tax + 12% ni is 32%, student loan 9%, so that's 41%. I guess if you've got pension at 9% too you do quickly get to 50%. jeez. I love being self employed. I don't pay any ni, my £10k salary is tax free and is deductible against my company profits, my company pays 20% tax regardless of the amount, and I can take out another £30k with no extra tax, and any more than that I pay effective 25% tax, still no ni. and I still get my tick in the box to say I've contributed for ni without paying any.

Randy here too. I am staying in our wedding hotel tonight as well.

It's my birthday

I haven't seen 50 shades either. I might when it comes on TV

If anyone needs payroll advice pm me. It's a big part of my job

Jelly you shouldn't lose over 50% of your bonus. If you're a higher rate tax payer you'll lose 42% and if you're a lower rate you'll lose 32%. If they take pension off it then you lose more though so it depends on your pension contribution rate. Most auto enrolment pensions are 1% but if you've a better company scheme it's probably up to 5%.
It still sucks though but at least you get a bonus

Oh dear Viroids, I prescribe some 'alone time' all round and Cape donning when you feel ready xxx

Jelly , what did you do while you were waiting for AF to return? Struggling to be patient today, had a 38 day cycle and now on CD44, feel as though AF is never going to arrive!
DH is getting in to it though, he told me that next time I have a poo I should do it in the bath so he can scoop it out with a sieve in order to practise for a water birth! Ha ha!

I got a bonus in this months pay packet but I too lost a lot of it to the tax man - gutted as thought it would pay for my holiday in a couple of weeks but sadly not.

one glad your DH is into it - but that's disgusting!!

I know! Ha ha he is a special one!

I actually lost more than 50%, DP lost just under 50%. But as lil said, once you take into account student loan, pension, tax, NI, it all stacks up. But as I say, I still got something which is better than nothing!

lil i say you send him out for some you time. It's so annoying when you want the big "O" but can't get it. That happened to me the other night when DP broke me. I'm still not quite right lol.

Pud for me it was a waiting game. The depo shot stopped my periods completley so I hadn't had one in over 5 years. When I came off it I read it could take up to a year to come back, so I was just waiting really. Each month I had "symptoms" of AF coming but she never returned. It took DP getting down on one knee and proposing for her to return (literally that night).

I bet the house thing will be hard lil. I can't imagine how it feels but try to be strong and think that room will be the room for your next baby.

We are spending all day with our mates and their 10 week old baby. It does make me a little sad inside because they fell so bloody easy, and he's a heavy drinker, she's overweight and they DTD twice in a month, got upduffed and had a happy, healthy 9 months and a gorgeous baby at the end of it. But it will happen for us people!

Also, my right ovary is aching today! The fucker

Just asked DH if I should do the same. There was much raising of a single eyebrow and a look of disdain.

Jelly maybe you are having sympathy pains for mine! It's a bit better today, but still pissing me off a treat!

implantation twins?

Haha doubt it. You are further along in your cycle than me I think. I'm 5DPO

Leeeeets play jizz or ewcm!!

How do we tell the difference again. Dtd last night. And have just found completely clear / stretchy substance. Jizz or ewcm jizz or ewcm

Answers on a postcard please