Miss my son so much

[LilyTheSavage]

My beautiful middle son died on 10th August in a tragic and needless accident. It's three months today and I feel just as bereft and weighted with grief and sorrow as I did the day he died. It's very hard to bear. There must surely be others who have had this happen too.

[LilyTheSavage]

Hi Rach and Pancake.
Thank you very much for your messages. It was so kind of you to think of me.
We have managed our first Christmas without our darling boy. It wasn't easy but we did it. Christmas started for us late on Christmas Eve when we visited Paddy and took flowers and lit candles to burn beside him all night. I didn't sleep very well and it felt as if I spent the night thinking about him and missing him. I played Santa for DS1 (aged 23) and DS3 (aged 20). They enjoyed having stockings and seemed to manage ok. We went to have lunch and spend the day with my lovely cousin, her husband their two year old. They have been so kind and supportive. It was lovely but such hard work being cheerful and wearing that mask. I did very well and managed to shed my tears privately. I wish I could sleep a whole night. I'm so tired. I miss my boy. I keep thinking that it could still be a mistake and he might just be away somewhere and might come back, but I know he's gone. Memories are no comfort.
XXX

[Pancakeflipper]

You got through the day xxxx Hope it's been a restful one today.

[LilyTheSavage]

Not too bad thanks Pancake. Kept busy which I find is the best way ahead. How was your day? xx

[Pancakeflipper]

It was busy Lily, had family visiting. My boys are little so it's chaos! Tomorrow more family then feet up on the sofa.

[Adeleh]

Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and your beautiful boy xx have only just seen your post. I'm so sorry.

[LilyTheSavage]

Thank you Adeleh. In some ways New Year has been harder than Christmas. Everything at Christmas was so organised and busy but NY and NY day was horrible. I felt terribly low all day and missed my boy more than ever. My DH and I looked at the stars early one evening while we were walking the dog and I wondered if one of them was my DS. Who knows.We've just got a new puppy and my DS would have adored it. It's very sweet and a distraction but everything we do makes me think of my boy. Hearing everybody shouting Happy New Year and seeing dozens of facebook posts makes everything sharper and pointed. I just want to hibernate.

[QODRestYeMerryGentlemen]

So sorry Lily. X

[LilyTheSavage]

Thanks QOD. I did hibernate (sort of). I went back to bed and was able to snooze for another hour. Feel much more positive following a nap and a bacon sandwich. How shallow!!!

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

Lily take comfort in the small things you can still enjoy, even if it is a bacon sandwich. I also found my first new year without Mia absolutely unbearable, I felt I was abandoning her to the past. But I promise you, I am not. She is here with me every day. It just took me a while to realise that - so if that thought can provide you with some comfort, please take it. xx

[Adeleh]

Thinking of you xxx I'm sure your son would be glad that you'd enjoyed the sandwich. I'm sure his presence is with you, and I pray that you'll be able to sense it, as Mia's mummy said in her lovely post. A friend of mine lost her daughter, and took great comfort when another bereaved parent told her that she would think of her child every single day without fail for the rest of her life.

[LilyTheSavage]

And here I am at 3am wide awake. It's the inquest today and it's been all I can think about. I think I know what's going to happen and there aren't going to be any surprises but it's still very hard to deal with.

We went to DS's grave today and wept for a long time. His grave is covered in flowers and Christmas tokens from his friends. A Christmas stocking, chocolate snowman, chocolate snowflake, a handmade Christmas wreath. People's kindness is touching. I think of my DS all the time and it isn't comforting, it's just painful.

I just want him back and it's not going to happen.

[lotsofcheese]

Holding your hand in the wee small hours xx

[LilBlondePessimist]

Hi lily, I've just read your thread and my heart breaks for you. I have four boys and the thought of losing one of them makes me feel physically ill. I just wanted to say that I'm abroad, so it's daytime here, and I can be here to chat/listen/handhold as required. I can't imagine how you must feel about the inquest. xx

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

Lily, thinking of you today. The inquest process can be impossibly hard and confronting. All I can hope is that your coroner was compassionate and kindly, and that any questions you may have had were answered by the process.

[Wildhorses123]

Hi Lily,
I've just seen your thread and wanted to say how sorry I am for the loss of your beautiful boy. I can only imagine how you must feel and think you are being so brave getting through a day at a time. This raw pain will ease over time. I'm sorry, I feel my words are inadequate but want you to know I'm reaching out to you.

[LilyTheSavage]

Thank you Wildhorses and Lil and lotsofcheese. Your kind words are soothing and calming. It is still unbelievably raw and painful. It feels like being stabbed in the ribs.

Thank you Mia's. The Coroner was extremely kind and compassionate and we got through it as best we could. His staff have also been wonderfully kind and caring There were no surprises and we knew what the outcome was going to be. Unfortunately there were a couple of reporters there who have decided to print the story in great detail. How can it possibly be in the public interest to print private and upsetting details? I am shaking with fury. Hope you're ok too. I'm going to make a cup of tea and lie in a hot bath. I said I'd work a day next week (I'm a primary school teacher) but quite honestly I don't think I'm fit to be in charge of small children. Have to wait and see.

[justhere]

Lily, my heart goes out to you. I am so so sorry for your loss. I haven't been on Mumsnet for ages but saw your thread and had to post.

I lost an adult brother from a needless and tragic accident many years ago. My parents had great difficulty with it obviously and it was extremely hard for me and all my siblings because they internalised it all and even mentioning his name felt wrong. We never really talked about it or him ever again very much (although I did try to with them but they didn't want to) and you talking about him with your boys is so much the way to do it because they feel the loss terribly too.

I am sorry to hear about the reporters. This happened with us all those years ago, it was reported on the news and the papers with hidden innuendo and it was awful.

I shall be thinking of you and hoping that the pain eases in time. xx

[jenniferjain]

Im so sorry to here this

[CakeExpectations]

Oh Lily, I have just seen your thread and my heart is breaking for you. I know that nothing I can say will ease the pain, but want you to know that I'm thinking of you.

Thank goodness the inquest is over. Good luck with the return to work, when you feel ready. Can you do half a day to begin with, to see how you manage?

Sending love to you and your family. xx

[LilyTheSavage]

Hi again everybody. Thanks for your kind messages.

Justhere - special thanks for sharing your story. I'm very sorry for your loss too. My DH and I definitely haven't internalised our feelings about DS's death and often talk about him when his other brothers are around, as well as with friends in normal conversation. It's good to know that this will be helpful to them. They don't really want to talk in any depth, but just mention him from time to time. I am so upset that the reporter thinks that a private tragedy is suitable material for the general public. It's in no way in the public interest to print this and it is intrusive and wounding. Bastards!
Anger has got me through today, but let's see how tomorrow feels.
xx

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

lily I sympathise about the intrusion in your lives by that reporter. Very invasive, and so not what you needed. But glad the coroner and his team were professional and sympathetic. It is a big step to get through - we felt very flat and drained after Mia's inquest was over, but also a sense of relief.

[LilyTheSavage]

Thanks Mia's. It was awful and also I didn't tell my parents about the inquest until it was all over and done with. I didn't want them there as I knew it would be distressing, and I didn't want to feel I needed to look after them. I told them about it afterwards and they went online and read the account. The reporter had taken a few facts and woven them together to make a story that didn't actually happen. Toxic shit! I am too sad to feel any sense of relief. I just feel flat and drained (like you said you were). It's hard to believe that he even existed when I look at lovely smiley photos. It's so hard to know that he's gone.

[BananaSoup]

I haven't posted on your thread since November I'm afraid, but I just wanted to say well done for getting through Christmas and New Year. I'm so sorry the reporter was so insensitive. [hugs]

[LilyTheSavage]

Thanks Banana. We survived Christmas, New Year and the inquest. Next hurdle is my 50th birthday this week, and then Paddy's birthday in March. It's a year of firsts....

[LilyTheSavage]

It's all just a question of surviving these firsts at the moment. I didn't want to celebrate my 50th but it had to be marked in some way so that when it's DS3's 21st in the summer I can do something to mark his special day. Survived our wedding anniversary.

Next big hurdle is his memorial stone being placed and then dedicated and blessed followed a few days later by his birthday. That's going to be a biggie to get through.

Anti-depressants are the way ahead for me at the moment. Might help me to get some sense of balance and order in my life instead of the roller-coaster that it is at the moment.