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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Miss my son so much

739 replies

LilyTheSavage · 10/11/2013 15:36

My beautiful middle son died on 10th August in a tragic and needless accident. It's three months today and I feel just as bereft and weighted with grief and sorrow as I did the day he died. It's very hard to bear. There must surely be others who have had this happen too.

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HumphreyCobbler · 10/11/2013 22:21

please ramble to us

Your son sounds like a wonderful person. I am so very sorry for your loss.

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 12/11/2013 08:06

I have received the medical reports and my DS's pm report and witness statements - ie from the people who found him, police and ambulance crews attending. The worst bit was seeing the paper where my poor DS1 identified his brother's body. So so so sad.

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OneStepCloser · 12/11/2013 09:19

That's very difficult Lily to see these reports written in front of you, DS1 must have found that so so hard, has he had any counselling maybe just to be able to talk it through? Your boys sound so lovely.

Your sons funeral sounds lovely, very personal and the Church sounds as though it was filled with people who loved him, and you. Xx

Aintnobodylovesnanbetter · 12/11/2013 09:24

So sorry for your loss x

Mogz · 12/11/2013 09:31

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son Lily, you're in my thoughts. Today I am saying my final goodbyes to a very dear friend who died on Oct 30th, it is so very hard and I'm not sure when it will ever stop hurting, but I know there will be a time when even though the loss hurts there will be smiles too. There's no time frame for grief and no winning formula for mourning, but please be sure to look after yourself and don't be afraid to ask for support, physically or mentally, from those around you.

PicnicPie · 12/11/2013 09:32

Lily, I really feel for you I lost my dad 5 years ago in a tragic RTC. He was knocked off his bike by a car. It is bloody awful not being able to say goodbye and I have the memory of him lying in the hospital,looking like he was sleeping, but his body was eerily cold. We were told by the police 3 hours after my dad had passed away and as the hospital was in another county didn't reach him until 6 hours after his death. I completely understand how you feel. We had to attend an inquest. It is really, really difficult and I'm so glad to hear you have your sons for support.

I really struggled coming to terms with his death about 12 months later and I got counselling. It was the best thing I ever did. I was able to speak freely to somebody who was happy to listen non stop for an hour. It was such good therapy.

5 years on it still hurts. But it will get easier. Enjoy the happy memories and don't be scared to cry it out when you need to. I found crying very therapeutic.

I wish you lots of strength and peace and hope that by sharing your story in here you can get some comfort.

lalamumto3 · 12/11/2013 09:42

I am so very sorry for your loss, offering a hand to hold x

travellingwilbury · 12/11/2013 09:44

Lily I am so sorry you are walking this path . My son died when he was 14 mths old in 2001 and I wouldn't go back to those early days for anything .
The pain is all consuming , and so bloody tiring .
Your son sounds lovely and the funeral sounds perfect , if such a thing can be said about a funeral for your precious boy .
The whys and what ifs are the things that I struggled with for years and in fact I still have my days when it overwhelms me .
But I do have a life now ,
I do have good times and enjoy my life and my family . The death of my son has changed me forever but with the help of many I have managed to get through .
Keep talking , wether here or with friends , family or the counsellor . I know everyone says it helps and it can sound like a cliche but it really does help .

LoveAndDeath · 12/11/2013 10:12

Lily, I am so very sorry about your precious son. I lost my baby daughter two years ago. It is the very worst type of bereavement, no-one should ever have to have a funeral for their child.
After my daughter died, my aunt wrote me a letter. She had lost two children. She said "You don't get over it but it does get easier to bear".
I have found that to be true although I still have very bad days and very bad individual moments.

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 12/11/2013 21:35

Went to see my boy this afternoon and it just seems so so so wrong to be visiting him in a churchyard. The sun was shining and the birds were singing and he was so near but yet so far. Other than crying there, I have been more peaceful today, but just so tired. Thank you for all your lovely messages. xx

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shallweshop · 12/11/2013 21:44

My heart goes out to you Lily. I lost my sister three months ago and I still find it absolutely absurd and ridiculous when I say the words in my head 'she is dead'. It is so unreal. To lose a child must be so much more painful and every parent's worst nightmare. I am glad you feel a bit more peaceful today. Sending hugs and strength.

OneStepCloser · 13/11/2013 08:15

Oh Lily, your right, it's so so wrong to visit your son like that. And yes, grief is exhausting, at this early stage it's about getting through each day, taking some sort of comfort where you can. Xx

UtterflyButterfly · 13/11/2013 10:48

Hello Lily, I've only just seen your thread and add my heartfelt condolences to you.

My daughter was killed in a car crash 7 years ago; she was 21. Life DOES go on, and you will enjoy life again, but in a different way from before. You have to start living this new life, with two sons and a heart load of lovely memories.

It was the anniversary of my DD's death last week. DH (her stepdad) and I went to the grave and just sat on the bench near her for 20 minutes, not saying anything. The sun came out and warmed us, and we cried silently. It was so draining, the rest of the day was a write-off.

BUT, most of the time things are fine; we just get on with our lives as we would have done before - there is no option really. We take our pleasures where we can, and try not to stress about things. My younger daughter is living life to the full, determined not to waste a moment, and I love spending as much time as I can with her. All I can say is, hang on in there, it is such early days, and you are still in a state of shock. I'd say it was a good year before I started thinking and acting 'normally' again. Be very kind to yourself, and try to accept that life will never be the same again, but it can be fun and fulfilling. Thanks

SamuelsMum2 · 14/11/2013 11:11

Morning Lily - The thought of a "new" mum to the club just brings up the why question again. Why must our children be taken from us? It's just not the circle of life. My son died aged 2yr 10mths - 7 years ago.
Your grief is painful and new and you have to live it, feel it in order to move on. It will never be OK that your son has died but it will become bearable. You have to learn to live a whole new life in a different way. It takes time, be patient but most of all be gentle on yourself - take deep breathes and roll with the panic attacks.......
They are all part of the journey x

SaintVera · 17/11/2013 09:21

Lily, I am just so desperately sorry that you find yourself here. My son died suddenly last year and I have no words for the loss - loss upon loss - that unfolded. You are not going mad, and chinks of light really will come through, but the advice to be very gentle with yourself is the best.

I have found companionship and understanding from The Compassionate Friends. There is an online forum for bereaved parents, and support for siblings. It isn't for everyone but to me it has been a lifeline and it 'normalises' everything I have been through, which feels like madness at times, but isn't.

Look after yourself xx

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 18/11/2013 14:33

Thanks very much SamuelsMum2 and SaintVera. I shall look at the Compassionate Friends.
I am functioning quite well today but am forgetting too much stuff and just feeling wobbly a lot. Up and dressed is a good start to the day though.
Thanks everybody else for letting me ramble. I'm sure I"ll be back...

XX

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BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 19/11/2013 12:18

Lily, I am so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family x

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 21/11/2013 06:21

Thank you Betty. xx

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BananaSoup · 23/11/2013 17:35

As a mum of three sons, your post has me in floods. I can't imagine my middly, or any of my lovely boys, going.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Take care.

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 25/11/2013 10:19

I'm missing him especially badly today. I responded to somebody's question on MN yesterday about visiting in the chapel of rest and it brought it all flooding back with horrible clarity. I want to look at photos but it makes the fact that he's gone so stark and real. I used to snuggle him when he was a baby, then a toddler, a little boy and say to him "who's my soft and delicious?" and he always used to say "me" in a very gruff voice....even when he was grown up and taller than me and a huge great weight to squash me if he sat on my lap. No more soft and delicious.

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Selks · 26/11/2013 20:37

I have no words that are adequate, but I wanted to offer you a ((hug)). Sorry you've been having a hard day. Your memories are lovely to hear.

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 27/11/2013 07:01

I've just come back to this thread and re-read all your lovely messages. They all make sense and your care and support (even though we've never met) all do actually help. Thank you. XX

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trulymadlydeeply · 27/11/2013 16:55

Lily,

I don't feel qualified or able to post as I have no comprehension of the magnitude of your suffering and loss. But I did want to tell you that since I read your first post, I have been thinking of you with love and sending you light and warmth. I am certain I'm not the only one.

Much love. Xxx

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 27/11/2013 21:38

Thanks Truly..... (I want to add Scrumptious after your "name".) Your words are warm and kind. I'm feeling very down this evening after a long and busy day. The virtual hugs and your kind messages all give a little boost.

Night night all. XXX

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RachaelAgnes · 02/12/2013 15:22

Lily,
I am so sorry for your loss.
I am 16 years down your path, I lost my DS just before his 2nd birthday.
As someone has mentioned, The Compassionate Friends were a great source of comfort to me.
The only advice I can give is:
Take the support of friends when it's offered, or ask for it if you need it. Many of them are waiting to help, but don't know how.
When you find yourself smiling (and you will) think how happy your son would feel seeing that smile.
Ride out the tough times by being kind to yourself. Sometimes those a times last days, sometimes only minutes, but don't be hard on yourself.
Take the words from others you find comfort in and remember them, disregard any you find unhelpful.
Sending you much love and hugs
Rach x