Miss my son so much

[LilyTheSavage]

My beautiful middle son died on 10th August in a tragic and needless accident. It's three months today and I feel just as bereft and weighted with grief and sorrow as I did the day he died. It's very hard to bear. There must surely be others who have had this happen too.

[valerianjg]

Hi, we lost our son Sammy on 21 Oct due to a brain tumor, he was 16 years old. Sammy was diagnosed when he was 3 years of age of a Medulloblastoma brain tumor, he went through surgery, chemo, radiation, etc. He had a skull fracture due to a fall, had brain hemorrhage, countless hospitalizations, during his short life, but he was such a happy boy. He was cancer free for 13 years, until Oct when he was diagnosed with another brain tumor, this time it was fatal. We all learned so much from him, I realized that we go through life thinking and worrying about materialistic things and many times we fail to see what we have next to us is so special, then is gone in a second. I miss my son so much, it is so painful! Thanks

[LilyTheSavage]

Facing the pain is the price of loving. Grief is the price we pay for great loss.

I feel a little stronger today but grief is always lurking in the shadows. I'm back in the UK for a wee while so can go over and see Paddy. I like to take my kindle and a rug and spend some time quietly with him.

One of my big anxieties at the moment is that I"m not going to be in the UK this Christmas. Since he died I like to go to the churchyard where he's buried on Christmas Eve to take his flowers and decorate his grave and leave candles to burn through the night. This won't happen this year. which makes me very sad.

My oldest DS and fabulous DDIL are expecting their first baby. I'm so pleased for them. SO pleased. But this brings its own complications. It means that Paddy is never going to be an uncle. He would have loved it so much. My youngest DS is very excited about being an uncle and is planning all sorts of ways of spoiling this baby. It is wonderful but just (again) serves to highlight that Paddy isn't here. Everything is shadowed by his absence.

[endofthelinefinally]

Just popping in to say my heart goes out to everyone who has lost a child.
Lily - I won't be in the UK this Christmas either.
We didn't have Christmas last year - we just hid from the world.
This year we will be away from home for DS's birthday as well as Christmas. I don't know how that will be tbh.
The second Christmas and birthday since we lost him.
The pain is unrelenting.

[jenmac22]

Lily, sending love and hugs ❤

[LilyTheSavage]

Thank you endof and jen. Biggest hugs to you both.
I just want to hide away but I can't do that for the sake of the other two. They do want to carry on celebrating. It's different for them though as their loss is so different.
I think I'll go over and visit Paddy today. I can take a rug and a book and maybe even a flask of coffee and just "be".

[endofthelinefinally]

It is so hard isnt it.
I cried all the way to the airport last year. Still sobbing on the plane. I am sure people thought I was mad.
I felt as if I was leaving him behind.
DH cant bear being at home for too long. I cant bear to be away for too long.
We trail backwards and forwards constantly.
It is exhausting.

[1ryansingh]

I lost my son and only child 3 year ago to Cancer Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma Disease, he was 23 years old, he was living his life such a lovely down to earth young man. Over 1000 people attended his funeral, people I didn’t even know came to pay their respects to a young man who died from Cancer. I’m so lost and lonely without him, he was a lovely son to me he was my soul mate my best friend my everything my world, I lived for him and now I have nothing to live for, this is cruel living is cruel. I try to remain strong but it’s a living nightmare. Anyone I can talk to please?

[nonetcurtains]

1ryansingh I'm very sorry for your loss, I really can't imagine the pain.

I feel you will get more people responding if you start a new thread, as you've posted on an existing one started several years ago.
It may be some time until others pop back on to check in with LilyTheSavage

[LilyTheSavage]

I haven't written on my thread for such a long time. It doesn't mean that I don't think about Paddy every day.... not at all.

I've just had a lovely holiday with my DH but even when I'm having good time I feel guilty and wonder how the fuck I can even enjoy myself when he is dead. It's all such a mind-fuck.

Just hanging on. Fake it till you make it seems to be what I can manage.

I became a granny in April and it is wonderful, but my DGS is the spitting image of my DS1 and Paddy. So bittersweet.

I miss my boy.

[minmooch]

I hear you my darling friend.

How the fuck we do it I don't know.

Love always to you xxx

[LilyTheSavage]

Thank you Min darling. I know you get it.

Just the carrying on and shadows even when we look ok on the outside... it's always there. The loss and the longing.

Love to you too.

[endofthelinefinally]

Lily, I was thinking of you today.
It doesn't get any easier does it.
I had such a vivid dream last night in which DS1 put his arms round me and hugged me. It was so real, I could feel him and smell him.
I woke up and it took me a few seconds to realise it was just a dream.
I have been tearful all day.

[LilyTheSavage]

Dear endofthelinefinally What a lovely dream to have, but how painful to wake up and the realisation that it's not real. I have only had a very few dreams like that where Paddy feels real and have been terribly upset to wake up and find the grim reality.

It was Paddy's 27th birthday on the 7th and I couldn't find the words to post anything. I went to his grave with my DH and we tidied him up. I just felt terribly sad and empty all day. The sheer futility of it all. Sometimes it seems unbelievable that he even ever existed.

We had his Memorial Day on the 17th. We have a gathering by his grave and a short service which is lead by his old School Chaplain. I was astonished that about forty of Paddy's friends and old teachers/coaches turned up. Amazing and wonderful. The faithful.
We had lunch and a hockey tournament. It's very, very difficult seeing his friends growing up and Paddy is left behind, permanently 21. They have no idea. Why would they have any idea though?

People expect me to have "got over it" and seem to expect me to be fine. I can act at being fine. I can answer their kind enquires about how I am (less of the head tilting these days and the sympathetic and nosy voices). But I'm not fine. I will never be fine. I am very not-fine. I miss my darling Paddy.

[endofthelinefinally]

Lily, you have described it so well.
People do expect us to just get over it.
Sympathy wains and everyone else moves on.
Very few people get it and our world shrinks.

[labazsisgoingmad]

God bless you i can only imagine the pain you are going through we are all here for you on MN

[LizGold]

My beautiful daughter Lara of 17 months has passed away on the 9th February this year due to Sepsis. It all happened so quickly. One moment she's a happy little girl and the next moment she is gone. Ripped away from us. Every day waking up I feel anxious, empty and just sad. It still feels like one BIG nightmare I wake up to every morning. I miss my little girl!!!

[PineapplePatty]

I'm so sorry for those of you on here who have lost a child.

OP, I've nced but your love for your DS always shines through, and I'm so sorry that I've not got any better words to express how much I want to send my love to you.

[LilyTheSavage]

Thank you all for your kind words. I've had a very wobbly evening after I accidentally opened some photos and they jumped to pictures of Paddy. How can pictures have the power to knock me off my feet?

Thank you endof... sending big hugs as always.
Liz - I'm so sorry about your darling daughter. There is a thread where those of us who have lost a child can share. Maybe you'd like to start your own thread and find support especially for you. Big hugs to you.
Pineapple - thank you.

[endofthelinefinally]

Yes. Photos.
They have to be sorted eventually but it is so painful.
I have cried a lot today.
and hugs for everyone grieving the loss of a child.

[LilyTheSavage]

Another photo came up on my memories and it just hit me. Paddy was wielding his chainsaw on a huge fallen tree. He made it into a beam for our kitchen fireplace. It's here beside me right now. Getting better with age. New cracks are appearing and the colour deepens and changes.

The loss, the missing, the emptiness of missing my darling boy in an otherwise full and happy life. Always that shadow of sadness.

[Yappy12]

Hi. Sorry about your son. We lost our only child, daughter Rachel aged 22, last year from Sads.

[endofthelinefinally]

Sending love to Lily, and everyone else who has lost a child, or anyone they love.
We just keep plodding on. One day at a time.

[Fifi080575]

Lily the Savage I feel your pain 😢 I lost my 14 year old happy, always smiling son nearly 6 weeks ago in a tragic needless accident he was knocked down and killed. My heart has been totally shattered and I feel as if I am just existing not living. I have one other daughter who turned 18 2 weeks after her wee brother died so emotional 💔 he was so full of life and enjoyed life had so many plans for his future 😢💙💔 my life will never be the same 😢💔💔❤️💙

[LilyTheSavage]

Today is Paddy's 29th birthday, his eighth birthday without us. He is forever 21. Stuck at at 21 years 5 months and 3 days. I miss him with every fibre of my being. I have seen the last few days remembering his birth and how we nearly lost him. Just to hold him again. Just to hear his voice, smell him.
How I miss my Paddy.

[Lottiethelemming]

Hi @LilyTheSavage
First of all, happy birthday to your darling son!
I hope you are all ok? I just had a bereavement in my family of a 21 year old. Very sudden and unexpected but my family and I all rejoiced in the fact that he was living 'his best life' up until he passed.

We had the best memories of him and we know he made the most of his life until his end. His memory will stay with us forever more. I can only imagine Paddy's will be the same for you all.

I remember reading this same thread a while back. I've never forgotten. My thoughts have been with you since x