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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Miss my son so much

739 replies

LilyTheSavage · 10/11/2013 15:36

My beautiful middle son died on 10th August in a tragic and needless accident. It's three months today and I feel just as bereft and weighted with grief and sorrow as I did the day he died. It's very hard to bear. There must surely be others who have had this happen too.

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LilyTheSavage · 05/03/2014 17:24

After a lovely weekend commemorating Paddy and blessing and dedicating his headstone I have been thinking about him more and more. It would be his 22nd birthday on Friday and at the moment it is hard to bear.

Spent too much of today in tears. Let's hope tomorrow feels a bit brighter.

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Mojito100 · 06/03/2014 09:23

Lily, let your tears flow. Be kind to yourself and do what feels right for you whether that be burying your head under the covers, partying till you can't party anymore to celebrate his life or all the things in between. I don't think there is anything that can be said to make it easier or help you get through. Just know that however you are and whatever you do is right for you and is needed. Don't forget all those who will be remembering their own unique memories of your wonderful son and take as much comfort from that as you can.

I may have never met him but I feel his presence through you and will raise my glass to him this Friday. His memory will live forever.

Hugs for you from me.

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LilyTheSavage · 06/03/2014 23:18

Thank you. It's his birthday in 48 minutes and I'm counting down. I don't know if I'll stay up or go to bed. I'm so tired but not sleepy. And then in three days it will be 7 months. How time flies.

I shall try and do nice things tomorrow and think of my boy - as if I don't think of all my three boys all day every day.

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Mojito100 · 06/03/2014 23:51

All my love to you on Paddy's birthday.

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tshirtsuntan · 07/03/2014 00:03

just and loads of love x

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Mojito100 · 07/03/2014 09:44

Lily - I have had a full on day but have thought of you often throughout it. I am about to crack open a nice bottle of wine and lift my glass to your wonderful son. Take care today.

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LilyTheSavage · 07/03/2014 11:00

Thanks mojito and tshirtsuntan.

It's a bit too early for wine here but I'd actually really like to have a sneaky glass. Medicinal purposes obviously!

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Mojito100 · 08/03/2014 14:43

Lily - thinking of you today.

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LilyTheSavage · 11/03/2014 08:17

Thank you mojito.

I haven't been too great the last few days. My DSs birthday and our efforts to celebrate him were hard and exhausting. I put on a good act when I was with my other DSs but all the time it feels like what it is... an act. I miss him so much. Sometimes it feels surreal and that it hasn't happened, and other times it's just all too real.

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Mojito100 · 11/03/2014 11:14

Lily, I just posted to you on another thread but wanted to say more to you here. Don't ever feel you "need" to respond if you aren't up to it. We all need time out for ourselves. I just wanted you to know I knew this time would be challenging on so many levels for you and I'm here for you in anyway I can be.

Anniversaries and special times are exhausting, confronting, tiring, emotional, destabilising and a whole range of other things all bundled into one period. I wanted to say more in my last thread but didn't want to seem trite so kept it simple.

I was confident that you held it together for all those around you and I am sure you supported everyone through Paddy's birthday leaving little time for yourself. That's what I do during our memory moments as I think of them. Afterwards I find I have no emotional capacity for others and need that time out to work things through for me and get back to what is my new normal. Not that I or any if us ever wanted this version of normal.

I know just what you mean about things being surreal. I have processed the practicality of our loss but there are times when it just does not feel real. They are shitty moments because you come back to earth with a mighty thud.

Take the time you need for you, I and the other mnetters are here for you when you need.

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Mojito100 · 12/03/2014 14:19

Lily, no need to post. I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you during this tough trot.

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Mojito100 · 14/03/2014 15:00

Thinking of you. Take care.

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LilyTheSavage · 19/03/2014 15:39

Hi everybody.
Thanks for your messages. I haven't been on MN for a while again because I just found everything hard to deal with. My DS's memorial, then his birthday, then St Patrick's Day. It's all been quite exhausting. Add to all this getting ready to move house and shifting things about.... I have to go back to our home in France to see the builders which is tiring. I'll be glad to go there, but at the same time, it's the place where I last saw my DS before he died. Everything is so resonant. I just feel like curling up and sleeping.
I'll be back soon.

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Mojito100 · 20/03/2014 13:30

Be kind to yourself.

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LilyTheSavage · 26/03/2014 19:24

for mojito and

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Mojito100 · 27/03/2014 10:46

Hugs, hugs, hugs to you Lily.

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LilyTheSavage · 28/03/2014 23:49

It's Mothers Day on Sunday and it's another "special" day to get through. My first without my darling boy. I have to put on the mask for the sake of the other two who are 24 and nearly 21. They are old enough and sensitive enough to be aware of my emotions and I don't want them to have to deal with my sadness as well as their own. I want them to be able to allow themselves to be happy. Too many "special" days in March this year. There's this ever present shadow of sorry over everything that I do. I manage to put on a good act sometimes for a short while, but it's just overwhelming and leaves me feeling utterly exhausted.

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Mojito100 · 29/03/2014 02:32

March is definitely such a terribly tough time for you. I can't offer much other than to say I understand as I do the same for my family in terms of not wanting them to be burdened with my feelings.

Keep the mask on as best you can and rest as much as you can. Thinking of you.

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LilyTheSavage · 29/03/2014 09:43

Thanks mojito. The sun is shining today and the mask is easier to wear then than when it's raining and miserable. Hope you have a good day.

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Mojito100 · 30/03/2014 16:18

Nothing to say to help you get through lily. Just to know I'm thinking of you. Saying its a tough time really doesn't do you justice. You have had to go through so much over the last month. Sometimes it's hard to be strong I know but I think you are amazing at all you are dealing with and how you are coping. Do take the time you need just to he by yourself and recharge.

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LilyTheSavage · 30/03/2014 22:00

Hi. Today was better than I thought it was going to be, mainly due to my two amazing sons. They were just here. My husband works overseas but he rang early on. The boys made lunch for me and we just chilled together. It was very bearable. It's hard to strike the balance between wearing my mask for their sake and allowing myself to miss their brother. I want them to know that it's ok for them to be ok, or for them to show they're grieving..... whatever works for them I guess.

I'm exhausted though.

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olympicsrock · 30/03/2014 23:35

LILY

I know that all 3 of your boys would agree "Best mum world" and you make great cake! xxxxx

You are doing so well

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LilyTheSavage · 31/03/2014 08:42

Thanks darling. You made me

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LilyTheSavage · 03/04/2014 21:18

Just when you think there might be a glimmer of hope and you can deal with life, something really silly or small knocks me off my feet and I feel like I'm right back at square one.

I went to the churchyard to visit my DS's grave and tidy it up. There were so many new flowers there and I was very moved that people are still bothering. It just swamped and overwhelmed me and I sat on the ground and sobbed and sobbed. It was such a lovely sunny afternoon and it seemed even more wrong that he's not here with us.

I can't even remember what triggered this. Maybe it was seeing his name in stone. Maybe it was the flowers. I just don't know.

It doesn't get any easier.

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Treasa24 · 04/04/2014 00:05

Hi Lily

Just been reading your posts. Thinking of you and your lovely DSs. I want to say, as Lily has above, that you should always let the tears flow.

People are still bothering with flowers because your DS is, quite simply, worth it. He sounds like a lovely lad with a great character and a wonderful mother.

Take comfort in the love and support of the people who lay the flowers, in your family and friends in RL and on MN - an extraordinary community as I've found out time and time again during some pretty difficult times in my life.

March has been tough for you. Can you plan to do something very special for yourself, possibly with your other DSs, in April or May? Is there somewhere you could go or something you could do which, you feel, might lift your spirits?

If you're still up, sleep peacefully. xx