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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

and disloyal to womankind to NOT find this offensive?

798 replies

Astrid28 · 26/10/2009 11:26

I am now a SAHM. DH runs his own company and it got to the point where I could give up work if I wanted to. I wanted to, so here I am.

DH transfers money for the food shopping into my account and I also use the joint account for other things, like birthday presents, DD's lessons/pre-school clothes shopping etc.

A friend of mine has described me on several occasions as being an old fashioned housewife.

I laughed and said I suppose I am! She then went on to say that I shouldn't be pleased with the situation. Don't I find my life boring, and what about my life when my kids grow up and leave home - what then?

I'm still very happy with my situation, but should I be?? Am I 'letting the side' down?

OP posts:
Chickenshavenolips · 26/10/2009 11:28

No, YANBU, but your 'friend' is extremely rude.

Mybox · 26/10/2009 11:30

yanbu

mumblechum · 26/10/2009 11:30

Not just rude but probably jealous.

LaurieScaryCake · 26/10/2009 11:30

You are not letting the side down providing you are keeping life interesting.

Do you still have hobbies and interests?

What I personally find deeply saddening is the occasional person who lives solely for their children - obsessing over every little detail to do with them. I don't think thats exactly the path to good mental health.

Providing you find life stimulating and interesting then good luck to you

LadyOfTheFlowers · 26/10/2009 11:30

I am a SAHM too .

DHs (ex) friend once stood in my hallway and told me that his partner would be returning to work once thay had a baby as 'she is WORTH more than that'

DH promptly removed him from the premises.

PuppyMonkey · 26/10/2009 11:31

If you have consciously chosen to do it and are under no pressure to do it just to please someone else, that's not letting any side down. It is exercising your free choice, so that's the dream imho.

gorionine · 26/10/2009 11:31

Yanbu, I am an "old fashion houswife" as well! I have also got that type of comments from a "friend" and never cared as I do definitely not envy her life!

LaurieScaryCake · 26/10/2009 11:31

oh yeah, your friend is deeply rude and possibly a tad jealous

LadyOfTheFlowers · 26/10/2009 11:31

Would also agree with jealous as has been mentioned.

jaquelinehyde · 26/10/2009 11:31

Oh God tell your friend that she can't be having such a great new woman life, if she has time to think so deeply about your situation.

You are not being forced to stay at home and be a houswife. You are being allowed to make a choice, that in itself is a triumph for womankind.

I would say you are very lucky to be able to stay at home and do the housewifey thing (technical term), I'm sure many women would love to do the same.

OrmIrian · 26/10/2009 11:33

Of course it isn't if you don't find it so.

I would but then I still like to pretend I am superwoman

5inthetomb · 26/10/2009 11:33

YANBU. Nothing wrong with being a SAHM, I am one after having to work when DS1+2 where little. Enjoying my time with DS3 and I still find time to do things to make my life exciting.

Its not all nappies and ironing being a SAHM.

ShinyAndNew · 26/10/2009 11:34

In also agree that she is jealous. And rude.

If you are happy with your situation, then that's great. Who is she to tell you you should be angered by it?

SorciereAnna · 26/10/2009 11:35

I saw an old friend of mine last week, recently returned after 5 years overseas.

Her life is SO old-fashioned we were breathtaken - children seen and not heard, kept impeccably in the background in an immaculate home, only allowed in the drawing room to play the piano. It was positively Victorian.

My friend works very FT OHM. She thinks she is very modern .

mehimandthekids · 26/10/2009 11:36

Plenty of us choose to be at home- as do i.
I wouldnt want it any other way. It works for us, the kids are happy, we are happy.
Thats all thats all that counts!

Anyway, some would argue you were letting the side down by juggleing being a mom,working,playing wife,cook, cleaner etc,by trying to take it all on when you have kids at home to look after.

Friends like that might not be worth haveing.

Morloth · 26/10/2009 11:36

YANBU. I choose what I want to do and right now I am choosing to stay home with DS and sort the house out. I have previously chosen to work and have also chosen a mixture, once even had a couple of years of staying at home with no kids.

The whole point of feminism was that we could choose. Not that we would have to work full time in order to feel like a real woman.

biggirlsdontcry · 26/10/2009 11:37

i am also SAHM & in the same situation as you & i love it ,
my bil once told me i was " a glorified lodger " which really upset me .

SerendipitousHarlot · 26/10/2009 11:38

I'm a WOHM - but that's my choice. It's the choice that's the issue.

If one of my friends said something like that to me I would be quite cross, actually.

TheMitsubishiWarrioress · 26/10/2009 11:41

Absolutely NOT BU...

So you go to work and pay someone else to care for your child, possibly have certain household chores done by someone else, that is OK, but if you do it yourself society undervalues it?

It really galls me.

You are running a household together, on your own terms so stick with it. It is far from boring and if you are happy and your DH is then yah-boo-sucks to yuor friend.

It isn't a choice I personally would make but admire you every much as I would admire someone who works. My Gran was 'Housewife' and she was amazing. Multi talented and as sharp as a razor. Call it what you will...Housewife, Homemaker, SAHM it is a full time occupation that should be recognised as having equal value to anyother job.

So there. To your friend .

OrmIrian · 26/10/2009 11:42

mehimandthekids - some might argue that but they would also be totally unreasonable

sabire · 26/10/2009 11:47

YANBU

I work (very) part time - about 4 hours a week. I also study and do voluntary work. My SIL has 3 children under 5, has gone back to work f/t after each child and is going back to work f/t when her youngest is 6 months. She drives me insane asking me when I'm going to get a full-time job, and yakking on and on about how busy she is, how skint they are paying loads of childcare, but how 'she couldn't possibly not work'.

I just listen and laugh. She works f/t for three reasons: she has low self-esteem and her identity as a professional woman is the centre of her existence (even though she actually hates her job - she likes the money and kudos that go with it); she can't cope with being at home with 3 kids (fair do's - it's very tough sometimes being a SAHM with small children); and she needs to spend at least £500 a month in Starbucks and Carluccio's and would have to stop doing this if they didn't have a second income.

I wouldn't swap my life with hers for anything. Her and my bro are stressed to within an inch of their lives and their life is completely manic. They have to book a diary appointment if they want to break wind.......

TheDevilEatsBabies · 26/10/2009 11:48

it's a shame that it's got to the stage where women who want to look after teh children are looked down upon.

why is this not seen as a valid role in society?

i think it's much better for you to be a sahm mum if you can afford to do it (and let's face it, there can't be many women who would go back to work straight away if they could afford not to, can there?). your children will know that you are their mum and number one carer and you can make sure that your children are loved and cared for and nurtured.

if she wants to work, then she should mind her own beeswax.

whatever happened to the freedom of choice?

JustAnotherManicMummy · 26/10/2009 11:49

I doubt your friend is jealous. Just ignorant. She probably does not get that being happy and having a relationship where you are dependent on each other can be fulfilling.

Surely it's more imporant to be happy than be seen to be obtaining some imaginary ideal feminist standard?

Keeping your end up for womankind is surely about exercising your rights to make choices?

ABatDead · 26/10/2009 11:49

Astrid28 - I am in two minds on your decision.

A decade ago I told DW I was happy to give up my career and take a lower paid job but I would be primary carer for the children. She had a high paying high powered job.

Things changed in our life since then and we now share equally being SAHD/SAHM and working in our business.

The only thing that I slightly question in a relationship such as yours (and I see the same with many of my friends) is where the woman efectively gives up work 'because she can' a soon as DH gets the big promotion or the business starts going well. Men still do not have this option and in this age of equality I do feel women ought to step up to the plate and not on the one hand drift back to 1959 when it suits them and yet still demand the freedoms and equality of 2009.

I know there are many women in lower paid jobs than their DH/DP where work is economically impossible because with childcare costs and cost of going to work and taxes the woman earns nothing after costs and taxes or even ends up negative so SAHM is the only sensible conclusion.

However, I alsp know a woman who has a DH who is a dentist and has his on practice and earns a lot. She has a cleaner, both DCs at private scool and does nothing really apart from shop and have lunch with friends. She contributes virtually nothing.

If a man did that and his DW came on here complaining about it he would be condemned as a lazy scrounger.

Could you contribute more? Why did you give up work other than 'because you could'?

4GHASTLYGHOULSandnotout · 26/10/2009 11:49

yanbu.

I'm a sahm and love it, i think your friend is jealous!

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