and disloyal to womankind to NOT find this offensive?

[Astrid28]

I am now a SAHM. DH runs his own company and it got to the point where I could give up work if I wanted to. I wanted to, so here I am.

DH transfers money for the food shopping into my account and I also use the joint account for other things, like birthday presents, DD's lessons/pre-school clothes shopping etc.

A friend of mine has described me on several occasions as being an old fashioned housewife.

I laughed and said I suppose I am! She then went on to say that I shouldn't be pleased with the situation. Don't I find my life boring, and what about my life when my kids grow up and leave home - what then?

I'm still very happy with my situation, but should I be?? Am I 'letting the side' down?

God, damned if we do, damned if we don't eh. Mothers who go out to work are the source of all delinquency, mothers who stay at home are letting the side down. Why can't we just show a bit of sisterhood!

Well I think it is also about choice. Because you can't have equality if you don't have the option of getting an education, going out to work, or having to leave your job becuase you are married/pregnant.

Real equality and freedom from domination haven't happened yet, but women in the UK today are a darn sight more equal than they were 40 years ago. The point here is that Astrid had a choice between working and not working, and she chose not to work - she could equally have chosen to carry on, or suggest that her DH stayed at home instead. So in that sense I think feminism has achieved a victory.

Surely feminism is all about choices that work? The point being, that before women had rights most were forced to stay at home and were not deemed capable of having opinions, rights etc etc (perhaps there were those forced to go out to work too - though this sort of history not my strong point).

The great thing now is that the OP has made a choice with her DH that fits their lives and that works for them - a fab example of 'real-life' feminism. She also has the confidence to stand up and say she enjoys being a SAHM.

I couldn't be a SAHM but that's my choice

Like MissM, another WOHM busy at work (ahem, ahem - I'm on my tea break) and I wouldn't bash you. Also, I'm a bit envious as I'd give up full-time work in a heartbeat if I didn't have to do it.

Your friend may or may not be jealous of your situation (which works well for your family so yay!). But the fact she brings this up so frequently means she definitely has some issues in this area. Just tell her to reel her neck in.

I'd don't see anything anti-feminist about your choice at all. Good for you.

(ps piglet - childminders and the staff at nurseries aren't strangers; well, not for long anyway).

YANBU - different people have different lives. I find it very irritating that people feel they can comment on other's lives in such an insulting way (I mean your friend OP not other posters here).

To me it is akin to saying to a larger person - are you sure you should be eating that creamcake because you aren't exactly small are you? RUDE.

Agree with dittany - feminism isn't about choice per se. Shopping might be about choice. Ordering from a menu is about choice. I suspect that feminism is about more than that

I have always assumed that feminism as a movement arose because women didn't have free choices. I'm very grateful that now I can choose whether to stay at home with my children, or go out to work and to employ other people, without being judged. Oh, apart from by other women, who seem by far to be more oppressive of each other than any man that I know.

RustyBat - I am not sure 'earn equality' is how I would put it.

However, if a woman wants to be kept by a man and to contribute nothing whether it be going out to earn or staying at home to be a SAHM who really works at home then that is not deserving of equality. There are women I know who plainly give up work and keep the nanny, cleaner etc and do not contribute anything. That seems to me to be a very unequal relationship and frankly I know a few blokes who work utterly appaling hours to keep their family while their DW just goes to the gym while the cleaner and ther nanny do the rest.

That seems very unfair and a woman in that relationship is taking advantage - as is the Dentists wife. She openly admits it and revels in it to her female friends. On the other hand I have a female friend who is doing everything she can to contribute, part time job as well as SAHM. She is making a massive contribution to the family finances as her husbands pay has dropped and she also looks after everthing at home. She used to have a much higher paying job but having children and the economics, tax and sheer logistics of getting to London to do the job means it impossible for her. It is not the absolute value of the job in money terms but the contribution in hours perhaps that matters most. Equal labour and equal benefits and equal treatment that is what sex equality means in my book.

I once or twice made a joke on MN that I was a kept man. In a way it is true. However, I would rather die than live off my DW and contribute nothing and sit back and call myself SAHD just because I happen to have kids.

That is clearly not what the OP is doing, she is making a contribution not just by cleaning or looking after DCs but providing back up and emotional support for DH to build something for the family. Without her he could not do that.

Right, I better be off to steam clean a kitchen before DW gets home with the kids!

Please explain, dittany (This is not sarcasm, I am genuinely interested!)

...and, isn't freedom the right to make choices?

completely agree with eighties chick

and lol at colditz being succinct

'choice' as in not having to do what you are told by men, maybe?

for women as doers, it is about choice
for women as receivers, it is about equal regard and the same freedom to make the choice as men have

Dittany -- it is about choice. Not complete freedom to choose. But to be regarded, treated, employed and paid in the same way as men so that the same degree of choice is available to us.

A choice can't be "non-feminist" if it's made by a free woman freely.

I agree with you too dittany - feminism is about equality of rights and certainly not about choice per se. But isn't choice a part of equality? It's not the only part obviously, but isn't it part of the legacy of the original feminists that women can now make those choices in a way that they couldn't even begin to before (obviously there are exceptions to this, and I totally accept that not all women are able to make these choices, but generally)?

You can choose to, for (a very simplistic) example, dress your DD in pink to make her feminine. That is your choice. But making a choice is not neccessarily feminism.

But being able to make the choice, is?

Yes, I think it is, Orm. But this introduces a different issue: that as women we could choose to restrict other people's choices just because they are women.

I suppose that is the only unfeminist choice I could think of.

Dressing your daughter in pink isn't feminist or not. It's just a colour. You make it a non feminist choice by deciding internally that pink is a girl's colour.

Choices are not necessarily feminist, but a lack of repression is (and with that comes the right to make your own choices rather than have a man who "owns" you make those choices on your behalf). It is not so long ago that as women we were considered the belongings of our fathers, husbands etc but to swap domination by men for domination by other women (i.e. women telling you what you should think, do etc etc) is just as repressive and not feminist imo.

Agree, KnackeredOldHag.