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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

and disloyal to womankind to NOT find this offensive?

798 replies

Astrid28 · 26/10/2009 11:26

I am now a SAHM. DH runs his own company and it got to the point where I could give up work if I wanted to. I wanted to, so here I am.

DH transfers money for the food shopping into my account and I also use the joint account for other things, like birthday presents, DD's lessons/pre-school clothes shopping etc.

A friend of mine has described me on several occasions as being an old fashioned housewife.

I laughed and said I suppose I am! She then went on to say that I shouldn't be pleased with the situation. Don't I find my life boring, and what about my life when my kids grow up and leave home - what then?

I'm still very happy with my situation, but should I be?? Am I 'letting the side' down?

OP posts:
KnackeredOldHag · 30/10/2009 16:15

I would also like to add, you mention eating disorders. An ex-colleague of mine had a daughter who died of anorexia. She had a SAHM. Conditions such as anorexia/bulimia are so much more complex than that.

CheerfulYank · 30/10/2009 16:24

Bleck. Make the choice that is right for you and your family. Ignore everyone who gives you crap for it. Enough already.

Whenever my mother complains over the phone about the fact that I dare to have her darling angel of a grandson in daycare for 20 hours a week, (shock! gasps! horror!) I take a cue from Weezer and sing, "Ima do the things that I wanna do, I ain't got a thing to prove to you," into the phone until she quiets or hangs up.

Remarkably effective.

SorciereAnna · 30/10/2009 16:51

I think you should think about conflicts of interest, and that one can agree violently with the POVs of both sides while simultaneously acknowledging that it is not possible to actually have both .

mathanxiety · 30/10/2009 17:04

Why do we say parent when we mean mother?

KnackeredOldHag · 30/10/2009 17:05

I think you should try answering honest questions that are asked rather than conveniently ignoring whatever doesn't suit .

I also don't see a single shred of evidence that you agree violently with both POVs .

BTW I don't believe a single person here has actually attempted to claim you get to have it all. To the contrary, most have expressed that it is hard and they make many sacrifices in their careers in order to put their children first. The cases that you talk about are extremes.

CheerfulYank · 30/10/2009 17:07

Have both what? Points of view? Sure it is.

I work part time (8 a.m. to noon) at an elementary school, and put in a few evening hours at a movie theater and bookstore as well. This is the right choice for my family at this time.

I have a good friend with two DCs. She stays at home with them all day, every day. This is the right choice for her family at this time.

I used to nanny for a woman who worked 60 some hours a week. Her boys had a dedicated carer (me) there with them during the week and a loving mom and dad at nights and on the weekends. That was the right choice for their family at that time.

See? Problem solved! OP says she's happy with the situation, so it's all well and good eh?

KnackeredOldHag · 30/10/2009 17:08

Mathanxiety, I have referred to stay at home parents rather than mothers as I have a husband who stays home. I find it sexist to think that the only option is for the woman to stay home when that's not always the case.

KnackeredOldHag · 30/10/2009 17:10

I agree absolutely CheerfulYank.

SorciereAnna · 30/10/2009 17:15

There is absolutely no obligation on MN to answer personal questions or any question at all. This a forum for discussion, not an interrogation room.

I think you have got your knickers in a twist for no good reason and you are now trying to justify why.

CheerfulYank · 30/10/2009 17:15

Nice to know someone does, knackered! I'm having one of those days where I feel like I'm about 30 I.Q. points behind the general public. I think it's time to pack it all in and go home and take a nap! Have a great Halloween everyone! Let's agree to disagree and let this ghoulish thread die in keeping with the holiday.

fiercebadrabbit · 30/10/2009 18:07

Anna,

If you bring up very personal examples then refuse to discuss them in more detail you are being extremely disingenuous [passive aggressive]

SorciereAnna · 30/10/2009 18:10

No, the amount of personal information I wish to reveal here is entirely up to me; just because other posters ask for it puts me under no obligation whatsoever to give it. It is veering towards the "personal attack" to try to emotionally blackmail posters into revealing personal information. Don't do it .

scottishmummy · 30/10/2009 18:15

what an astonishing social circle anna that you can draw someone else personal experience for all your observations eg

i once knew rich working parents and their children had
spots
mental illness
lumbago
tinnitus
emphysema
all because the parents worked you know

oh and yes they are friends of mine

KnackeredOldHag · 30/10/2009 19:47

emotional blackmail?

I'm just interested in how you come to your conclusions. You started the subject of children being neglected, if you are then not prepared to discuss how you reach those conclusions why start the subject in the first place.

loobylu3 · 30/10/2009 20:03

Anna- I can understand that you have a rather elite social circle and within that perhaps the most common form of 'neglect' that you see is when both the parents have v high powered jobs and spend v little time with their children. You must surely appreciate, however, that your experience is unusual and certainly not representative of people on this thread/in the UK, in moat walks of life, etc. I'm not sure whether you make some of your remarks deliberately to wind people up or if you really do not understand this!

I think you are perhaps using the term 'neglect' rather loosely. To me, neglect has undertones of child abuse-physical, sexual abuse, abandoning children or serious lack of parental love/ attention/affection/ understanding causing emotional/ psychological/ physical problems.
'Neglect' of children is therefore v serious and fortunately not too common. I really cannot comprehend what neglect has to do with whether both parents are working or not. As far as I can see, 'neglect' is something that will occur when one or more parents have suffered lack of emotional/ psychological or physical support themselves during their upbringing and hence have no idea how to parent themselves. It has absolutely no link at all to whether both parents are working or not. I'm a bit bemused as to why anyone would think it does

scottishmummy · 30/10/2009 20:23

middle class Parisienne doesnt necessarily=social elite

fiercebadrabbit · 30/10/2009 20:55

Its not emotional blackmail it's mnetters wanting to you to stand up these claims about your friends.

If you don't want to talk about them, which is perfectly fair, then don't use them as examples in your arguments.

loobylu3 · 30/10/2009 20:55

Ah, I see SM. Perhaps elite was the wrong choice of word!

EdgarAllenPoo · 31/10/2009 10:05

erm, most peoples kids turn out alright..

poverty and mental illness are very strongly linked.

Sakura · 31/10/2009 11:34

ABatDad,
I think you have misinterpreted my point and my post. I don't think being a kept woman is a good thing at all if that is the basis of the woman's identity.

What I am saying is that women contribute a great deal to society that cannot be measured. I made suggestions, such as charity and voluntary work, caring for elderly parents, for grandchildren. MOst unpaid care-work is done by women.

Bearing this in mind, I do not believe equality has anything whatsoever to do with feminism. The right to work (at the checkout of a supermarket!) is merely one aspect of the feminist movement which was hijacked by companies in order to receive a steady supply of cheap labour. Equality, which effectively means "equal pay for equal work" counts for nothing when womens' work is NEVER valued as equal to men in the first place, simply because women do it.

I hate that the word "Equality" suggests that women and men are the same. What a ridiculous notion! I believe that women do have an intrinsic value. I also believe that men do too. But we are talking about women here, not men, and I don't think its appropriate to compare men and women as though they are the same. Each have their own positive attributes.

Sakura · 31/10/2009 11:43

ABatDad,
After writing that post, I wanted to add, that I think its great (and a sign of our times) that you are having this conversation with us. I do understand what you are saying; after all, it is a view that many many women hold. But your point is based on one small aspect of feminism (work and equality) when true feminism incorporates so much more than that.

ssd · 31/10/2009 14:12

I didn't see anywhere where Anna said she was part of some social elite

as usual on these threads she gets an arse kicking for having her own views, especially if they make other posters feel a bit uncomfortable....

c'est la vie, eh, Anna!

CheerfulYank · 02/11/2009 15:51

Of course Anna's totally entitled to her views and opinions! I just think that making a link between parents working and their children being hospitalized for mental illness is going a bit far. A lot of parents are racked with guilt as it is!

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