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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

and disloyal to womankind to NOT find this offensive?

798 replies

Astrid28 · 26/10/2009 11:26

I am now a SAHM. DH runs his own company and it got to the point where I could give up work if I wanted to. I wanted to, so here I am.

DH transfers money for the food shopping into my account and I also use the joint account for other things, like birthday presents, DD's lessons/pre-school clothes shopping etc.

A friend of mine has described me on several occasions as being an old fashioned housewife.

I laughed and said I suppose I am! She then went on to say that I shouldn't be pleased with the situation. Don't I find my life boring, and what about my life when my kids grow up and leave home - what then?

I'm still very happy with my situation, but should I be?? Am I 'letting the side' down?

OP posts:
Penthesileia · 30/10/2009 13:03

I think some posters also value - I know I do - the feeling that if the worst were to happen and they were left on their own, then they would cope. I'm lucky to be in that position.

SorciereAnna · 30/10/2009 14:49

"I'm a bit unconvinced about the sufferings of poor little rich kids to be honest with you. Poor little poor kids have a much much worse time of it."

Have you been to any child psychiatric hospitals recently, quattro? You will find just as many rich as poor children - the neglect manifests itself in different ways, but the root causes are very similar.

CheerfulYank · 30/10/2009 14:51

I think saying that children end up in psychiatric hospitals because of neglect is going a bit far, Anna.

SorciereAnna · 30/10/2009 14:53

Oh really? Why is that? Because it hasn't happened to anyone you know?

CheerfulYank · 30/10/2009 14:56

I know plenty of children who have been hospitalized for psychiatric reasons. (I work with behaviorally disturbed children.) Almost invariably, it is because of severe physical/sexual abuse or true psychiatric illness (childhood schizophrenia, etc.). I haven't met a single child in a decade of this work who was this way b/c of not having mom or dad at home when they got out of school.

SorciereAnna · 30/10/2009 14:59

Then I imagine that you don't live in an area where it is common for children to receive very little parental attention because their parents are so busy working. It is a major issue where I live, and if you talk to any child psychiatrist/teacher working in those areas, you will know it is a real issue.

scottishmummy · 30/10/2009 15:03

can categorically say have never seen a referral made because parents work.that is wholly erroneous

CheerfulYank · 30/10/2009 15:04

I know children who receive very little parental attention, and I'm not denying it can lead to some issues. I just think that not being home when your kids get there does not always equal neglect, and even in cases where "neglect" would be the right word to use, it does not lead to psychiatric hospitalization in any case I've ever seen. A seat on a shrink's couch in the future, maybe, but hospitalization? Come on.

scottishmummy · 30/10/2009 15:06

anna what is the basis for this assertion.peer reviewed journal?your work experience?or spurious tittle tattle

most CAMHS work is undertaken in community setting.the minority are admitted to specialist units

SorciereAnna · 30/10/2009 15:06

Well of course you aren't going to get a referral because parents work. That is not what I wrote and you know it.

Children being neglected (abused, even) can be, unfortunately, a consequence of parents being too busy working to take proper care of them.

scottishmummy · 30/10/2009 15:09

my experience of camhs is that it isnt heaving with "just as many rich as poor children"

that is erroneous

KnackeredOldHag · 30/10/2009 15:10

Anna why are you so disparaging of mothers who actually have a career? It seems to me that all the wohm's on this thread have said "fair enough if a mum wants to say home, that's her decision", whereas you seem completely intent on bashing those who do have careers which, shock, horror they might actually enjoy.

How many psychiatric hospitals have you been to recently? To be making statements like this, I assume you are spending a good part of your time there when you are not waiting at the school gates.

Someone very, very close to me suffered severe abuse from the age of 3 till 14(physical and sexual) and it is frankly disgusting that someone who clearly seems to live a very sheltered life can compare the suffering of a child whose parents work FT with that of an abused child.

I assume by the way that you count most of our Royal family in the category of neglected as they are largely brought up by the hired help?

SorciereAnna · 30/10/2009 15:10

Very sadly, the experiences of families that are known to us (social circle, schools). Some close friends' children.

SorciereAnna · 30/10/2009 15:12

I am not disparaging mothers with careers (and never do). I am emphasising that there is a point in time when children and parents' occupations come into conflict with one another: both need a lot of time and it is not wrong for parents to decide that children might come first.

scottishmummy · 30/10/2009 15:12

you will resort to any tactic tp disparege working mums.but on this issue you are verty wrong

do you work in psychiatry
when did you last attend a psycgitaruic hospital
or is this anecdotal dinner party tittle tattle

mathanxiety · 30/10/2009 15:13

Really, who is to say how many of our children will end up 'on the couch' in later life? Or write a bestselling semi-autobiographical novel about us and what ogres we were .

SorciereAnna · 30/10/2009 15:15

Most recently I was at a Paris teenage eating disorders unit a fortnight ago.

KnackeredOldHag · 30/10/2009 15:15

You are not disparaging of mothers with careers? Don't make me laugh.

SorciereAnna · 30/10/2009 15:17

Not remotely. Find me one post where I am disparaging of mothers with careers. You will not find one.

KnackeredOldHag · 30/10/2009 15:29

I don't see a single one of your posts for the last few pages which expresses anything like that if a woman wants to have a career then good luck. Your comments have predominantly related to how bad working is for the children, causing distress to the point that needs professional help, how you pity your "friends" children if they are children of parents who work.

Sorry, but most mothers who work don't seem to have the attitude that all women should be dragged kicking and screaming into the workplace, however, you just don't seem to be able to afford working mothers with the same degree of respect or accept that perhaps in the majority of cases, working mums are just doing the best for their children as are in the majority of cases, sahp's. In some cases working parents are really terrible and they don't look after their children. In some cases as well parents that don't go out to work are really terrible parents.

This has nothing to do with woring or not, these parents would be terrible as parents regardless and if work wasn't their excuse for not seeing their children, it would be something else instead.

mathanxiety · 30/10/2009 15:44

I am puzzled by the complete lack of reference to the role of fathers and whether they are present or absent from their children's lives due to work and its demands on their time, (not talking about fathers who have left the home or abandonment problems here) and what impact this can have on the children's mental and emotional health.

SorciereAnna · 30/10/2009 15:53

Nowhere have you found me to be disparaging about working mothers, right?

All I am pointing out is that there is a conflict of interest between setting your career sights very high, with a lot of commitments, and being an attentive parent - it's a very difficult issue. Highlighting the conflict of interest is not the same thing as being disparaging.

I know absolutely masses of families where both parents have heavy-duty careers. Most of them are great parents whose children receive plenty of attention; some are not, not because they would not be good parents in any case but because they just not longer have enough time.

KnackeredOldHag · 30/10/2009 16:09

To put it in the way that you do, no, you are not merely highlighting a conflict of interest and yes, you are being disparaging. You don't think it is insulting to imply things with the tone that you do?

You say that some are not good parents due to work and they would be good parents otherwise. Where is your proof that they would be good parents otherwise? You can not possibly make assumptions about a situation which does not exist, you can only look at those people in the situation that they are in now and say that as they stand now, they are not good parents. If they pay so little attention to their children because their careers are so important to them it means that they don't care enough about their children to let that bother them and if they were not working that would still in all probability hold true because it is a trait inherent in their personalities.

fiercebadrabbit · 30/10/2009 16:11

I'm not sure why these dreadful child neglecters are your friends. Truly. I'm puzzled.

joesaphine · 30/10/2009 16:14

I'm fairly new to mumsnet and can't believe whow 'raged' people can get on some of the forums - though can understand before I get attacked.

Live life to the own I say - wouldn't it be boring if were all the same? Maybe your mate just thought grass is greener on the other side, and as a close friend of mine to quote says 'it may be greener but cows still shit in them fields too'

If you are happy - then who cares if you work or not? My husband would love to give up work as I am the main bread earner but until the bank manager says he will cancel my motrgage, it's not going to happen. I too would love not to have to work full time - but I know as much as I love my son the company of a 2 year old all day everyday would drive me straight to the priory!

Take the comment on the chin - is it worth falling out with a friend for?