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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

and disloyal to womankind to NOT find this offensive?

798 replies

Astrid28 · 26/10/2009 11:26

I am now a SAHM. DH runs his own company and it got to the point where I could give up work if I wanted to. I wanted to, so here I am.

DH transfers money for the food shopping into my account and I also use the joint account for other things, like birthday presents, DD's lessons/pre-school clothes shopping etc.

A friend of mine has described me on several occasions as being an old fashioned housewife.

I laughed and said I suppose I am! She then went on to say that I shouldn't be pleased with the situation. Don't I find my life boring, and what about my life when my kids grow up and leave home - what then?

I'm still very happy with my situation, but should I be?? Am I 'letting the side' down?

OP posts:
Louise2004 · 26/10/2009 12:38

YANBU

pigletmania · 26/10/2009 12:38

NYANBU i am in the same situation as you, dh does as your dh does and transferres money into my account how rude of her! Does she presume we all want the same as her, I really like being a SAHM and it is ideal for our situation, if i went to work i would be paying for the nursery whats the point when i can look after dd myself and see her milestones

pigletmania · 26/10/2009 12:40

If i earned more than dh than he would stay at home, but here is the highter earner

ninah · 26/10/2009 12:48

I think financial independence is vital

Niecie · 26/10/2009 12:59

YANBU - of course you aren't letting the side down. Your friend is a very silly woman - does she not realise it is the 21st century and women have choices.

Maybe if you never worked again and contributed nothing after your children had left home then you might have let the side down by not making the most of your life.

However, in reality, how many of us are like that in this day and age, certainly of our generation? Very very few I would argue.

Why shouldn't we change our lives occasionally. How says we have to work from the day we leave school to the day we retire in order to make a worthwhile contribution to society?

Quite apart from bringing up the younger generation, you are enabling your DH to grow his business. I don't think a contribution has to have a value in monetary terms through getting a salary and I think it is a bit sad that people like your friend think you do.

ABatDead · 26/10/2009 13:09

Astrid28 - OK that situation you described is pretty much as I thought.

You are contributing to your DHs business by effectivley taking the load from him of running the home. Clearly your previous job was very much the same as me and DW had. Running arond the planet on planes and impossible to have kids in those circumstances so something had to give and it was my career as DW was a potentially higher earner.

The only thing left to ask for you and DH is whether it would it be more cost effective when Ds get older to have a nanny, cleaner, etc and work in the business and perhaps DH to also take things a bit easier to get some work life balance back?

It might be good for your personal development too.

The woman I mentioned who is married to the dentist once spoke to my DW about her decision and it sounded so pathetic "Oh DH says I don't have to work if I don't want to so I didn't". She really has wall to wall home help too and moans about not having a bigger house!

Sabire/morosky/flyingcloud - am very much in agreement with your posts too.

It is about nt just standing stil and being stale in the SAHD/SHM role while recognising its value. Our DSs are a bit older and our business is ticking along I feel I should be doing more outsde the home so am applying for a job at a charity, looking to buy another business and doing some training for new skills.

OrmIrian · 26/10/2009 13:19

"and perhaps DH to also take things a bit easier to get some work life balance back? "

I think that is an important aspect too. We have managed over the years to allow both of us to have quite a bit of involvement in our DC day-to-day lives. DH worked part time and shift, then I worked part-time and from home, and DH worked long hours but was self-employed so could take days off when needed. I think it's a shame when only one parent does the parenting role on a permanent basis (when there are 2 parents available I mean)

Iklboo · 26/10/2009 13:24

Apparently when my nana was married her husband started demanding his 'tea on the table when I come through that door at night'

Next day he came home at his tea was on the table.

Just not on a plate

(yay pre-feminist nana)

RustyBat · 26/10/2009 13:35

ABetaDad - I do agree with most of what you say, but I find this a strange argument - "in this age of equality I do feel women ought to step up to the plate and not on the one hand drift back to 1959 when it suits them and yet still demand the freedoms and equality of 2009."

Why on earth shouldn't they, if it suits them and their family? Do you really mean that they shouldn't be treated as an equal, or have the same freedoms because they are not earning money? Because I usually find myself agreeing with your posts but that one really is a bit strange.....

Ambi · 26/10/2009 13:35

Your friend does seem jealous and sad, and my DH is now a SAHD since he was made redundant - now he is most certainly "letting the side down", but I love the fact that he's enjoying this precious time with his daughter that most Dads just don't have the option. (oh and that the washing is done.)

Chickenshavenolips · 26/10/2009 13:36

Agree with RustyBat.

dittany · 26/10/2009 13:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vallhala · 26/10/2009 13:39

YANBU for finding the remarks offensive. Its your life to lead as you want to. It wouldn't be my choice as tbh I can think of nothing more mind-numbingly boring than to be stuck with children all day, but if you are happy whose business is it to argue.

theressomethingaboutmarie · 26/10/2009 13:41

What desperate insecurity these people must have to disparage the choices of other couples. My DH does most of the childcare because he's getting his own business started up but has much more 'free' time than I do (i.e. as I work in an office, my hours are more structured and, unfortunately, longer). I have nothing but total respect for the input he has into our daughters life and he fully respects the fact that I work out of the home full-time.

It's a decision that we've made and I don't give two hoots who thinks that we've made the wrong choice for our lives/daughter. We're exceptionally happy with our lives and it's no one else's business.

OP, this 'friend' isn't a friend unfortunately; she's clearly got issues of her own.

ABatDead · 26/10/2009 14:13

rustybat - I wan't pointing this comment at the OP but really to a number of women I know who have a husband in a high paying job and appear to contribute nothing:

"in this age of equality I do feel women ought to step up to the plate and not on the one hand drift back to 1959 when it suits them and yet still demand the freedoms and equality of 2009."

They appear to to be 'having it all' by effectiveley living off a man by demanding he provide the money so they can live the life of a 2009 woman that is not chained to being a SAHM role and yet at the same time they seem to be happy to have the man go out to work just like the 1959 while they stay at home.

The probem I have with that is these women (and I do know a few) seem to be frankly havng their cake in 2009 but eating it sitting at home as if it was 1959 with the added twist that some low paid domestic help paid for by hubby comes in to wash the plate and sweep up the crumbs.

megapixels · 26/10/2009 14:14

ABatDead - But does it matter if your dentist friend's wife didn't work because she didn't have to? If her reason was that her dh said she didn't have to if she doesn't (i.e. he wouldn't have any resentment that he does the earning while she doesn't) and she doesn't, then what is wrong with that? Some people see work as just a means of earning money, so if she has plenty of if why should she have to work simply to please society?

I know someone in her 50s, she is very wealthy (mostly through her husband's earnings, he is now retired) and she says that the only reason she's been working for the last few years is so she doesn't feel judged by her friends . I think that is very sad. The cows Her friends are probably just jealous of her gorgeous house and the fact that she and her dh have holidays all the time in their properties around the world, so dress up their jealousy as some kind of a feminist opinion against non-working women.

LittleOneMum · 26/10/2009 14:15

Astrid,

I work F/T and recently I had a reverse of your conversation with a SAHM friend of mine who gave me a whole 'what's the point in having kids if you don't spend all your time with them' pep-talk, so trust me, it works both ways. As long as you and your family are happy that's all that matters.

I love my job, I'm good at it, and I worked bloody hard to get here. I also love my DS and he is a happy and well-adjusted boy. It all works for us. If I wanted to be a SAHM then I would be. Horses for courses!

dittany · 26/10/2009 14:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TspookyChasm · 26/10/2009 14:22

Yanbu. I am a sahm and all my dc are in school

I work on the theory that I don't have an opinion about other people's choices and they don't need to have one about mine.

MillyR · 26/10/2009 14:23

ABD- Some women have always not been in paid employment and not done the housework and childcare, even in 1959.

WinkyWinkola · 26/10/2009 14:25

YANBU.

IMO, feminism is all about giving women the choice to do what they want.

If you want to be a SAHM and you have the option to do so and it makes you happy, then you really can't ask for more, frankly. Fantastic.

There are so many people who are unhappy with their lives - it's refreshing to hear someone who is very happy with her choices.

And I bet your children like having one parent always about too.

pigletmania · 26/10/2009 14:29

ABtdad they (SAHM) are contributing a hell of a lot thank you very much in looking after the family and home, just because it is not paid does not mean that there is no contribution it is very narrow minded view. Looking after children is not just 9-5 its a 24/7 job and if we were to get paid for it we would be earning very nicely. We would be worse off if i had to work, not only would i have to pay £600 plus for nursery, i would basically be working to pay for the nursery and no better off, and also my dd is being looked after by me who knows her better than any stranger.

Not all SAHM are ladies of leisure, i wish. Why should they not have equal rights just because their roles are differnt

RustyBat · 26/10/2009 14:36

ABetaDad - I think what makes me feel uncomfortable with it is the idea that the 'freedom & equality' of a woman is dependant in any way on how she acts - I think it is (or should be) a unalienable right, otherwise you have the idea that a woman has to 'earn' equality - and who is to be the judge?

MissM · 26/10/2009 14:37

Well I'm 'busy at work' (ahem ahem) and my thought is 'good for you'. It wouldn't be my choice but your reasons for being a SAHM seem very sound to me and even if they weren't then it's none of my business.

As others have said, feminism is about choice - women in 1959 (and even 1969) didn't have that choice, and we do. If you wanted to run the business while your DH stayed at home with the kids then that would also be ok. I think there's a definite taste of sour grapes on your friend's behalf.

sarah293 · 26/10/2009 14:38

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Message withdrawn