and disloyal to womankind to NOT find this offensive?

[Astrid28]

I am now a SAHM. DH runs his own company and it got to the point where I could give up work if I wanted to. I wanted to, so here I am.

DH transfers money for the food shopping into my account and I also use the joint account for other things, like birthday presents, DD's lessons/pre-school clothes shopping etc.

A friend of mine has described me on several occasions as being an old fashioned housewife.

I laughed and said I suppose I am! She then went on to say that I shouldn't be pleased with the situation. Don't I find my life boring, and what about my life when my kids grow up and leave home - what then?

I'm still very happy with my situation, but should I be?? Am I 'letting the side' down?

Your "friend" has it all wrong. The whole point of women's lib etc is not that women should be FORCED to go out to work, but that they should have the freedom to make choices about how they live their lives. I am a WOHM but my dh stays at home with our ds's and that works fine for us as in our situation it made the most sense. There are some who critise him because I go out to work. Doesn't matter what you do someone somewhere will have an opinion on it. Do what works for your family and if others don't like it, tell them where to get off.

Agree with Laurie. There's no right or wrong here, providing you are happy with your role at home, and your husband is happy being sole earner. And I would add to that, as long as you both retain enough flexibility to change and grow as life changes. Nothing is certain in this day and age - businesses fail, people get frustrated/bored/need life changes.. and as your friend rightly pointed out (though rather rudely!) children grow up.

It's horses for courses. Many of us could afford to stay home but choose not to. It's choice which is important

Good! I'nm glad!

I don't feel any less than when I worked. Her words made me wonder if this is how others see me - as old-fashioned in a bad way.

For me, this is what I'm doing at the moment. At this point in my life with a small child hopefully another soon, it's where I want to be, and I feel lucky to be able to do it.

I do keep my life interesting, my main set of friends aren't yet parents and they often tell me that I haven't changed at all, and I like that.

I'm not 'just' a Mum. My family aren't my whole life, but are certainly a very big and special part of it, so now I just want to dedicate a bit of time to it.

ABatDad, houses don't run themselves you know!

I'm a SAHM (mostly - see above), and I am on the run from 6.30 am until I put my eldest to bed at 9pm. I don't take lunchbreaks and I don't have any 'down time' in the week (apart from ... ahem.... lurking here on mumsnet on and off during the day). Children are only at school for 5 and a half hours a day. For me dog walking, cooking, ironing, cleaning, paperwork, etc easily fill that time....

YANBU,
as long as this is what you want to do. I've tried being a SAHM, it was a living nightmare for me, couldn't stand spending the entire day with the children.

However this was me and I was unhappy with it so I changed it. I don't see what's wrong with it if you enjoy it. SAH with the kids can be very stimulating and interesting if you're into it. Plus it doesn't mean giving up all our other interests

Women's lib (now there's an old-fashioned phrase!) was not about having to work, it was about being able to work if that was what you wanted to do. It was about choices, because back then women did not have choices. They went from school to marriage, if they worked in-between they were 'let go' on marriage (perfectly legal in the past) and none of it was their choice. Nowadays there's still a lack of choice, but that's been largely brought about by two salaries being necessary to meet the cost of living these days.

If your family can afford to live on one salary, then good for you! That gives you choices, and you choose to be a SAHM. THAT is what my generation of feminists thought we were fighting for!

OrmIrian, that was my point,
Its unreasonable.
Its what ever works for you and your family.

What a 'friend'. Maybe she is the same woman working in the bank who told my Dad and Mum that they really ought to just open one joint bank account for everything rather than Mum having a separate housekeeping account. Apparently my Mum should feel patronised by my Dad giving her the housekeeping money. When they both commented on the lack of professionalism in making such a comment she said 'well, I suppose you are from a different generation to me'. That's as maybe, dread to think what she would make of me and DH having the same situation.

ABetaDad - (love your halloweeen name) - I see what you're saying, and a man would indeed be called a lazy scrounger if he was sitting at home playing PS3 all day. If he were doing all the childcare, cleaning and running the home, and his DW earned enough that they could financially cope, then he would be called a SAHD. I don't think many women would have a problem with that, though some men, sadly, might.

I would agree that anyone, male or female, who employs a cleaner and nanny and then sits at home doing nothing is lazy. But perhaps they do charity or volunteer work. Money earned is not always a great indicator of what someone is actually contributing to society.

I am a hard-line feminist by most people's standards (ie didn't change my name on marriage ) and I really, really wish that more women would support one another's choices in life. It suits the patriarchal system to have us all at each other's throats over whether we work full time, look after our kids full time, yadda yadda.

There are a couple of conditions to ask yourself about, for me:

1. Do you have a life where you are fulfilled by what you do, and are not living solely through your husband and/or kids?

2. Do you know that, if needed, you could go back to work and support your kids and cope with that change? I say this because none of us know what nasty surprises life can have around the corner - people leave, die unexpectedly and so on every day. So if you are a SAHM but you know you would be able to cope with going back to the workplace if that was needed, would have the skills to be able to earn a living for your kids, then all well and good. It is scary to see women who are suddenly left on their own after many years, through divorce or bereavement, who then can't get the work they need because they never thought they'd need to again.

If you are happy with your answers to those points, why care what anyone else says?

I'm not saying, BTW, that being an SAHM is 'easier' than being at a paid job, or that SAHMs are taking an easy option because they can't cope with work - not at all the case. I know I would find being an SAHM a lot harder than my job! But it's always best if you know you can go out and get a paid job again if you need to, not be helpless without your other half.

Being in a position to choose, and having future flexibility in your choice are the key to fulfilment in my mind.

But it is a hard thing to achieve, and was a bit of a shock. because pre-dc I could achieve this independently. I admit now my ability to choose and be flexible rests on dh's role in the family.

Took me a while change my outlook.

Now I love being home for the time being, love being around for ds and the next one. I wouldn't have much time for a woman who sneered at my choices.

Who is she to tell you what you should and should not be pleased with? Rude bitch.

ABatDad, I think we cross posted.

I gave up work for a few reasons really. My initial job wasn't suited to children, it involved being posted around the country for varying lengths of time, which was fine as a single girl, but I gave it up at the end of my pregnancy.

Then, having never relied upon anyone else for financial support before, I took a lower paid local position when DC was 6 months old and it just didn't work with DH's expanding business. He doesn't finish work at the same time each day, he often works weekends. We were much more stressed while both working.

I feel that my being at home has enabled him to build the business, which he has done, and I'm so proud of him. I also feel that he is proud of me for taking care of our child and our home. I think it makes us a good team

Load of rubbish. Surely people should live how it suits them/their relationship/their family/their circumstances?

If you're happy, then that's great, no?

I think it is fine as long as you are happy and having a good time. If you are having to justify what you are doing all the time and don't have time for yourself, then that is not a good situation, but you don't seem to have that problem.

There may lots of things you want to do over the years, and whatever you choose to do, someone is going to want to judge you for it!

...and by you're I mean you, your DH and you DCs.....

EightiesChick - you sum it up perfectly. I agree that it's scary when you see women who never take themselves seriously as making an economic contribution - women who see work as something to tide them over until they have children, who wouldn't have a clue where to begin if life took a different turn and they found themself alone etc. And equally scary are men who wouldn't have a clue about the practical aspects of parenting, or anything domestic. However, I think the reality is that those polarised roles are quite rare now. The days of mum taking entire responsibility for the parenting and home, while dad goes out and earns and expects his laundry done and meal on the table are gone. Most people are happier with more balanced roles. But it's essential, IMO as a parent to retain the skills and mindset to be able to turn your hand to whatever needs doing.

I am a SAHM by choice like the OP.

My mother when she was alive was endlessly cautioning me to 'get a little part time job' so that I would have some money of my own/some independence. I have taken her advice and so as well as keeping my career buoyant (I hope ) I earn a bit of money from time to time. It gives me a good feeling to know that I've paid for this holiday or that piece of furniture.

She was a wise woman my mother and incredible financially astute (within quite modest means). She worked part time all her married life - in the evenings when we were little and during the day when we were at school. She used 'her' money to buy things that my father would not necessarily have sanctioned. I suppose in that way it gave her 'power' and stopped her feeling like she was 'letting the side down'.

Astrid I always took feminism to be choice!

I agree with EightiesChick too, and that is one thing I say to DH, that we need to be aware of what each other is doing. Coming from a mother who was unexpectedly widowed with a young family, it is my biggest fear, but also because of that, the life I have now is my idea of the ideal iyswim?

I do know everything I can about the business goings on, just as he knows what story DD likes best before bed - although he's rubbish at doing her hair and I can't fathom out the various pricing schedules he has to complete! But these are things we're aware of and things that we'll learn as time goes by.

I'm glad I posted this actually, I was unsure of the response I'd receive because there hasn't been one aspect raised that makes me think perhaps I'm doing this for the wrong reasons.

Although the mums that might bash me are probably busy at work.......

Abatdad my dp works school hours around my dp and has a job that requires little of him. I know there are times when I am working my way though a huge pile of work and he has nothing really to do. But it doesn;t bother me, his major contribution to our house is to be an oasis of calm and to devote himself to helping dd and I feel the same.

Astrid28 You are in the situation where you will never have to juggle work and childcare in the school holidays and will never have to call into work because your child is ill. It's your life and if you're happy then sod what your friend thinks. I'm a SAHM, I live overseas and have a DS who's nearly 3, I could work out here but as childcare is really expensive and wages are low there really is no point, I love spending my time with him (other than his whinge days) he goes to creche 1 morning a week but that's only so he can form bonds and friendships with other children and he has thrived from the experience. Really what I'm trying to say is, if you and your husband are happy with the situation I think that's all that matters, if in a few years you want to change things then again that's your choice.

Astrid: I know precisely how you feel. I had my son quite young by today's standards - at 25. I had not developed my career at all and I am now a SAHM (DS has just turned 1).

DH owns a successful business that brings in enough money to support us easily in our current situation and my wage was not enough to justify paying for childcare. We also felt quite strongly that our son should be cared for by one of us rather than a childminder.

I have been happy to stay at home with DS and watch his first year happen. I have hobbies, I'm teaching myself to cook and bake and just generally enjoying being a bit domestic really. I have noticed, however, that my friends seemed to have stepped back from me lately - I'm not invited out as much anymore and things have been going on that I have not been included in. I have been referred to as the "desperate housewife" a few times (totally in jest).

I feel sad that my life seems to be taking a different path from my friends at the moment but, one day, they will also have children and then I'll be the voice of wisdom that they all look to to learn how it's done

If YOU are happy, then nobody else matters

Totally support your choice, and your friend was way out of order, but as usual I find myself nodding at ABD's wisdom.

My fear is ending up like my mother, in her late forties, with completely out of date skills and a widow. It wasn't (luckily) about the money but it was about her recreating a new life which didn't revolve around children and a DH (we were mid teens so about to fly the nest).

I think having the choice is so important, and obviously women have better careers earlier on now than in my mother's day so going back to work out of necessity should be easier. I hope one day that DH's business will allow me to take a step back from the work I do now, even though I love it, as I would like to spend more time with my child(ren) (first one on the way), but my bargain with myself is that I must learn some new skills at the same time (such as a TEFL course or a cordon bleu cooking course, just because those are things that interest me).

Ah! Cross-posted!