To not be "thankful" to MIL

[whirlingswirlingsaucepan]

Basically my MIL is retired and full of energy. Very restless, but not much to keep her occupied (she doesn't believe in volunteering). She wants to have a relationship with her grandkids (my kids), and she likes to feel "useful". Which is all well and good.

So she will happily look after the kids for 2/3 weeks a year. Either we go to her or she comes to us.

The problem is that I don't feel like I have a CHOICE in the matter. Whether I want to or not, the kids will be looked after by Nana for 2 - 3 weeks a year. And I need to be thankful for it, because she is "doing it to give me time to work as a busy mum". (She goes on and on about my "busy-ness" even if it's is not something I particularly feel). It's so that she feels "useful" in taking the kids. If I say I'm not actually that busy, then I have to explain exactly why I'm not busy when I should be.

Why is her taking the kids not particularly useful to me? Because my job is pretty flexible - I work part time, and I buy unpaid leave and can easily take parental leave (I am not a big spender, and between my salary and my husband's we thankfully are quite comfortable). I work entirely from home. There are lots of clubs I can sign them up for that they are happy to go to, and I can (thankfully) afford. I've sorted my life out. So her help is NICE but not actually that USEFUL to me.

But she tells her family (and mine) in front of me, about how she helps ME (not her son) to take care of the kids. At which point I'm supposed to look grateful. She also clearly wants me to be thankful to her. My husband also asks me "when it would be helpful for ME for his mum to come and take care of the kids."

I find it difficult to be close to her as she is judgemental about my life choices. She was a determined career woman in her time, while I've chosen (and am luckily able) to make big career sacrifices to be hands-on with my kids (which I'm very happy with, but don't need to constantly defend). And her opinions "leak out" in lots of little ways.

I do say a courteous "thank you" at the end of a visit, but I am not as warm as I would like to be. I generally try to be pleasant but make myself scarce during her visits. I don't look forward to them.

Am I being unreasonable? I would LIKE to be thankful for her help, especially e.g. from another post where lady was jealous of people who have grandparent help. And to say it is of zero use to me would be a lie. Yes it IS nice for me not to have to sort kids meals, bed time, showers etc when they are with her. And, some kid free days where I where I can relax in the evening, or work abit longer if I feel like it are nice. (I don't need 3 weeks, but a day or 2 here and there IS nice).

It's just the "Nana is flying in to help mummy take care of the kids so that mummy can work" that really grates. "Nana is coming to visit" I am ok with. "Nana is coming to help mummy" annoys the s**t out of me.

I have a friend who IS a career woman, and she is sooo grateful that her in laws take her kids off her hands so she can work uninterrupted. So I feel ungrateful. I guess I'm just the wrong DIL for my MIL?

YABU: Yes, you should be thankful and are being petty
YANBU: Your feelings are totally legitimate.

But she tells her family (and mine) in front of me, about how she helps ME (not her son) to take care of the kids. At which point I'm supposed to look grateful. She also clearly wants me to be thankful to her. My husband also asks me "when it would be helpful for ME for his mum to come and take care of the kids."

So that's the point where you say, we don't need you look after them MIL. If you want to, great, but we can manage without.

If you don't speak up it'll keep on happening. And you can respond similarly to your husband when he asks when you want MIL to help with the kids. Have you not had this conversation before with him?

If you don't need her to take the kids for you to work, why not let her take the kids so you can go do something for you? Maybe you'd feel less grumpy about saying thank you of you'd spent the day at a spa instead.

I feel you. My MIL is similar. I work PT and do the majority of the childcare. When I have a work event that needs covering then childcare is my DH's responsibility. He often asks my MIL to help - that's fine, it's up to him what arrangements he makes. But my MIL then talks about how she is doing ME a favour! Drives me mad.

My examples of your situation aren’t as extreme bug I have retire in laws (who do help us loads and I am super grateful….) but who won’t just say ‘can we see the kids? We’d like to spend time with them’… it always has to be framed as me needing help / not coping so I have to be the one to initiate their visits. Drives me mad!!

But why not just say ‘I don’t need you to take them, MIL. Dave doesn’t need you to take them. If you’d like the children to visit, that’s really nice, but I don’t want you thinking you’re under some kind of obligation, because it’s simply not necessary in childcare terms’?

Surely you can just say no to her having them. They are your children, not hers. You don't need to let her dictate.

Let them go to hers for the odd long weekend so that you and DH can get some time together, but 3 weeks is really far too much.

It's important that she (and your husband) stop making misogynistic comments, especially in front of the children. She is "helping", or attempting to help, both parents equally. Don't be gaslit into thinking that distinction is trivial or petty; insist on it. These bedrock unchallenged assumptions that we're living in the Soviet Union in the 1980s and women of course work full time but also do almost all of the housework and childcare except when the man "helps out" help entrench and reinforce the toxic level of normalised misogyny in our society.

If you and/or your husband DID need the help to enable you to work, then 2-3 weeks a year wouldn't help much. But do "let" her take the children for 2-3 weeks a year while you and your husband go away together, if you'd like.

I see your POV it’s the ways she’s framing it. Like she’s your saviour.

but also I would lean into it and book a spa day!!

Can't your husband look after his own kids?

You're feelings are valid, of course, but from the pov of a person who gets no offers of help from her MiL I am very envious and would encourage you to seek a way to make it a positive. Your children will hopefully have a close relationship with their Nana, which is not the case for many and you can use the time to do something meaningful/restorative for yourself, perhaps?

I think you're very reasonable to feel that way, and important that you recognise why.

Rather than being confrontational, I am wondering if you can change the dynamic more subtly (I don't mean passive aggressive).

• One step could be being proactive about asking MIL when she would like to see the children this year, rather than waiting for her to ask when she can help you.
• Similarly, if she asks when can I take the children to help, I would answer something like "thank you so much for the offer, I don't need help for the foreseeable future but I'll keep it in mind. If you would like to see the children, feel free to suggest a time that is convenient for you"

Just little things like this i think could shift everyone's mindset. But also, as others have said, talk to your husband.

I would have knocked this on the head ages ago, OP.
Step 1: tell DH loudly and clearly that MIL doing childcare is helping US, not me. And if he ever frames it as helping ME again, he will regret it.
Step 2: as pp have suggested, tell her clearly that she is welcome to visit but she is not helping with childcare as that is sorted out.

Be polite, and smile, but be firm. I’ve had to do this a couple of times (on a different matter as my MIL isn’t sexist) and it works for me.

I find it really bizarre that you cannot say the above to your husband and that you ate enabled to say no thanks, your help is not required.
I find it unfathomable on MN that so many adults are still dictated to by parents or worse, their in laws, about their children.

Tell your husband no thanks.
Think about what if any childcare you want and then spell it out.
If you don't need the break, then say it.

The whole helping you and not her son would bug the living shit out of me.
Say it.

I think you need to stand up for yourself more.
When I mentioned to my daughter that I'd be happy to do childcare in school holidays if she needed it in the future, she told me straight that she hopes not to need that. She plans to spend as much time as possible with them during the holidays and they'd probably enjoy summer camps too.

So we both know where we stand. She knows I'm available if needed, and appreciates that, but doesn't want me to think they can't manage without me.
I know I'll be welcome to visit and spend time, but it's not me swooping in to save them.
I think you need to be as blunt with your MIL , tell her the children love to spend time with her, and she's very welcome, but you've arranged your life so all childcare is covered.

I'd be having that out with my DH, it would make me fucking furious.

Perhaps she's suggesting you could work a bit more OP...!

Going by your previous threads your kids should be about 10/12 by now. How pathetic that your husband needs 'help'.

My mum is the same and I don’t let her help. She phrases everything as saving us, and how we couldn’t manage without her- so I just stopped accepting any offers of “help”. She’s getting increasingly desperate because she wants the grandkids unsupervised, but I just can’t bring myself to be falling over with gratitude for something that she wants to do.

I noticed that you stated she's flying in so I guess that's why it's 2/3 weeks at a time. Is that the only time she see's her GC? If so, I guess it's not a great deal.
What will happen when the kids get older and want to do their own thing, will she still insist? Whatever the case, you need your DH on board and knock it on the head. If she can afford it, could she fly over once a month or every other month so you two could have a w/e away together?

There is no way I’d have anyone take my children away for weeks a year. No way. And my wonderful amazing mum who’s smitten with our DC and loves having time with them would never suggest it. She’d have hated it as a mum, it just wouldn’t occur to her to do. In your shoes when she suggested it I’d have said no. You don’t have to carry on doing it just because she’s done it before. Do your DC enjoy it or is everyone just going along with what she wants so she can play lady bountiful?

And have a bloody word with your husband for being such a sexist pig. Is he under the impression that the children you made together are your responsibility while he’s a fun added extra or something? Say something, to both of them! There are no prizes for silent seething.

You sound quite touchy.

I agree, I wouldn't ever have allowed anyone take my children for weeks at a time.
I would have missed them too much and it was like the OP, completely unnecessary.

Yes, absolutely. Fortunately for me my MIL expected her DSs to pull their weight in the house and with childcare. FIL can and does cook and clean as does my DF and they’re in their 80s.