To not be "thankful" to MIL

[whirlingswirlingsaucepan]

Basically my MIL is retired and full of energy. Very restless, but not much to keep her occupied (she doesn't believe in volunteering). She wants to have a relationship with her grandkids (my kids), and she likes to feel "useful". Which is all well and good.

So she will happily look after the kids for 2/3 weeks a year. Either we go to her or she comes to us.

The problem is that I don't feel like I have a CHOICE in the matter. Whether I want to or not, the kids will be looked after by Nana for 2 - 3 weeks a year. And I need to be thankful for it, because she is "doing it to give me time to work as a busy mum". (She goes on and on about my "busy-ness" even if it's is not something I particularly feel). It's so that she feels "useful" in taking the kids. If I say I'm not actually that busy, then I have to explain exactly why I'm not busy when I should be.

Why is her taking the kids not particularly useful to me? Because my job is pretty flexible - I work part time, and I buy unpaid leave and can easily take parental leave (I am not a big spender, and between my salary and my husband's we thankfully are quite comfortable). I work entirely from home. There are lots of clubs I can sign them up for that they are happy to go to, and I can (thankfully) afford. I've sorted my life out. So her help is NICE but not actually that USEFUL to me.

But she tells her family (and mine) in front of me, about how she helps ME (not her son) to take care of the kids. At which point I'm supposed to look grateful. She also clearly wants me to be thankful to her. My husband also asks me "when it would be helpful for ME for his mum to come and take care of the kids."

I find it difficult to be close to her as she is judgemental about my life choices. She was a determined career woman in her time, while I've chosen (and am luckily able) to make big career sacrifices to be hands-on with my kids (which I'm very happy with, but don't need to constantly defend). And her opinions "leak out" in lots of little ways.

I do say a courteous "thank you" at the end of a visit, but I am not as warm as I would like to be. I generally try to be pleasant but make myself scarce during her visits. I don't look forward to them.

Am I being unreasonable? I would LIKE to be thankful for her help, especially e.g. from another post where lady was jealous of people who have grandparent help. And to say it is of zero use to me would be a lie. Yes it IS nice for me not to have to sort kids meals, bed time, showers etc when they are with her. And, some kid free days where I where I can relax in the evening, or work abit longer if I feel like it are nice. (I don't need 3 weeks, but a day or 2 here and there IS nice).

It's just the "Nana is flying in to help mummy take care of the kids so that mummy can work" that really grates. "Nana is coming to visit" I am ok with. "Nana is coming to help mummy" annoys the s**t out of me.

I have a friend who IS a career woman, and she is sooo grateful that her in laws take her kids off her hands so she can work uninterrupted. So I feel ungrateful. I guess I'm just the wrong DIL for my MIL?

YABU: Yes, you should be thankful and are being petty
YANBU: Your feelings are totally legitimate.

Probably she says she's helping you, rather than her son, because he works more, so effectively, childcare is more your role? Not because it should necessarily be, but because that is what you have decided? That's the way your post reads, as in you've made career sacrifices implies he's the main breadwinner? And that's not in any way throwing shade, or saying that's a bad thing, it's great you can. So I wouldn't worry about her saying that, as presumably, if he was sacrificing career while you were the main breadwinner, she'd say it about him.
As long as she's basically nice, just laugh at the way she says things, when she's not there. One of my in-laws boasts about babysitting, and actually just comes round, gets in the way and can't manage any of the tasks I've explained a million times, but it makes him feel happy and useful, and maybe one day, my kids will get something out of having a relationship with him, so I just say thanks to him, and not get upset when he acts like he's done me a favour.

Yes this! My DH works away 4 weeks at a time, my mum passed away and my dad has early onset alzheimers... my in laws are 7 hours away and frankly disinterested. I would give anything to have someone to give me some time to myself. I have lovely friends who would step in in an emergency but I don't know how it would work overnight... as much as it irks you and I get why it does in the way it is framed as helping, I would be so grateful to have someone who loves your kids like this and presumably who your kids feel comfortable with too.

This

She obviously wants to be part of her grandchildrens lives, and sounds like she lives a good way away. Maybe she terms it helping you look after them as you are soooo busy as if you really dont need her then maybe she wouldn't see them as much. If the week blocks at a time don't suit then do long weekends. Go away with friends as a couple or go somewhere together. Do a girls weekend. Make the most of the time.

I get it might be a little annoying at times if she repeats that she's helping you and not the husband. Using the time to have fun together or apart would help stop those comments.

OP, I can understand this. My mum is the same, and although I know it doesn’t actually matter and I’m lucky, that doesn’t stop it being annoying sometimes

It’s not showing a lack of gratitude. Nor begrudging a grandparent wanting to spend time with their grandchildren - because actually thats exactly what it is, rather than ‘helping’ you. I find that if the help does happen to help me, that’s more by coincidence than anything else. More often it involves quite a lot of work on my side - which I obviously don’t mind because it’s nice for my kids (and me) to spend time with my parents … but it isn’t help.

You're doing her a favour allowing her to have this time with her grandchildren yet she wants to dress it up as she's doing you a favour.....

Just put a stop to it
They are your dc

Haven’t RTFT, but basically it seems like it’s a quick, kindly conversation with her to get the basis of the arrangement with your kids straight - ie you don’t NEED her to do this - but you’re delighted to facilitate her spending this time with her GC in this way if that’s what she wants to do. So YANBU.
Although I think YABU to use the phrase ‘career woman’.

You know you’re being truthful and crusty, so why not be a bit nicer. Say ‘it’s so good for the kids to see you, DH and my diaries aren’t the important thing here’.

She wants to be valued. She’s valuable. You don’t have to perjure yourself.

Maybe you could respond to all the "isn't it lovely that MiL comes to help you?" comments with something along the lines of, "I don't need help and she doesn't really come to help me, she comes because she desperately wants to see her grandkids. Which, frankly is a lot more lovely. They have a fantastic relationship."

What a complete non event. It’s nice surely that your DCs have a lovely, involved grandma and that you have an on call babysitter?

Who decides when this "help" is happening? Next time it is suggested I'd either say "Sorry that week isn't convenient but you're welcome to visit on xxx week" or "I don't need any help then thank you, but you're welcome to visit." Makes it clear that she is always welcome but she isn't helping.

Oooooh this would push my buttons.

DH saying that would be the thing that tipped me into saying no unless it was just a pleasure trip next time.

Even though you don’t need to be thankful for her taking the kids to help you, you can be thankful for the relationship she’s developed with them and the effort she puts in when she has them.

When your DH asks you when you need help from his Mum with the children , based on what you've written surely you can just say you don't need any help? Ask him when you will need help as a couple and push a bit of the thinking about pressure points I.e. school holidays back onto him? Aren't you able to be frank with him?
You need to say no to week long visits if you are not comfortable with them. Why do you feel like you have no choice , they're your children?
It's great that she so wants to be involved. I think you need to work on being a bit more assertive in conversations about this though.
Because if she does help you and your husband , you can't exactly expect no one to ever mention it (even if it's incorrectly framed as helping you rather than DH).

Do your kids enjoy it? I would factor that in too. They will have different experiences of their grandparents than you will. Perhaps think of it as something the kids will remember fondly when they grow up.
The way your MIL phrases it might be irritating but it might just be her excuse for having them.

I would laugh each time she says something to someone else and say ‘mil you don’t need to pretend that you’re helping me to spend time with your grandchildren’. You can just spend time with them!

Totally agree with this
So important particularly for the DC

Lots of polite but great suggestions here to change the dynamics.

My suggestion is to ask MIL to take each child, on their own, to visit her for five days.
Then the rest of the time she could be visitng you or be babysitting all while you go to a spa weekend with DH.

Kids love one on one time with people who adore them.

I don't think yabu and this is something that would very much annoy me. However, unlike you I would speak to your dh and her. I suppose in her mind you facilitate your dp working and she thinks she is doing the same for you.

To your dh I would be making it quite clear that childcare helps him as much as you as they are shared children . I would make it clear that your working hours facilitate his and you arrange yours around your family, having his mum over means there is another person whose presence you have to facilitate.

I'd also tell mil that whilst you appreciate her eagerness to spend time with her grandchildren your working hours are arranged around your family so day to day you don't require any support other than from your dp. Emphasise that you do appreciate her desire to be close to her grandkids and make it work for both of you so instead of 2-3 weeks a year, how about you change the arrangement so she can have then at hers for several weekends throughout the year. That way she gets to check in with the kids more often and then the time they are away you could both spend doing whatever you wish. This way they still get to do holiday clubs, see friends in the holidays etc.

Why on earth should OP be 'grateful'? She doesn't need the 'help'. She is happy for her MIL to spend time with her children but it's framed as a favour to OP.

Exactly this.

Look at it as you sacrificing your ego so an older woman who is feeling useless can recover some of hers

if you don’t mind the kids being with her, and they enjoy granny time, why not just let it go?

"and often phrase it as helping out daughter and her partner"

So not just one of them. Both of them. See the difference?

Sorry, but this post is irrational, @KarlMarx, though I guess you enjoyed writing it - the rhetoric flows.
MIL quite likely is talking about 'helping' her DDIL, because she 's thinking about helping her and wants to help her. It's DDIL she wants to help because OP works part time.
OP's post is far too long. I think it's navel-gazing, rather than representing 'the toxic level of normalised misogyny in our society.'
@KarlMarx, I think you need to reign it in , or you end up like the boy who shouted 'wolf'.

Sounds like two strong women locking horns. Just accept her help, you’ll look back one day and be glad you did.