To not be "thankful" to MIL

[whirlingswirlingsaucepan]

Basically my MIL is retired and full of energy. Very restless, but not much to keep her occupied (she doesn't believe in volunteering). She wants to have a relationship with her grandkids (my kids), and she likes to feel "useful". Which is all well and good.

So she will happily look after the kids for 2/3 weeks a year. Either we go to her or she comes to us.

The problem is that I don't feel like I have a CHOICE in the matter. Whether I want to or not, the kids will be looked after by Nana for 2 - 3 weeks a year. And I need to be thankful for it, because she is "doing it to give me time to work as a busy mum". (She goes on and on about my "busy-ness" even if it's is not something I particularly feel). It's so that she feels "useful" in taking the kids. If I say I'm not actually that busy, then I have to explain exactly why I'm not busy when I should be.

Why is her taking the kids not particularly useful to me? Because my job is pretty flexible - I work part time, and I buy unpaid leave and can easily take parental leave (I am not a big spender, and between my salary and my husband's we thankfully are quite comfortable). I work entirely from home. There are lots of clubs I can sign them up for that they are happy to go to, and I can (thankfully) afford. I've sorted my life out. So her help is NICE but not actually that USEFUL to me.

But she tells her family (and mine) in front of me, about how she helps ME (not her son) to take care of the kids. At which point I'm supposed to look grateful. She also clearly wants me to be thankful to her. My husband also asks me "when it would be helpful for ME for his mum to come and take care of the kids."

I find it difficult to be close to her as she is judgemental about my life choices. She was a determined career woman in her time, while I've chosen (and am luckily able) to make big career sacrifices to be hands-on with my kids (which I'm very happy with, but don't need to constantly defend). And her opinions "leak out" in lots of little ways.

I do say a courteous "thank you" at the end of a visit, but I am not as warm as I would like to be. I generally try to be pleasant but make myself scarce during her visits. I don't look forward to them.

Am I being unreasonable? I would LIKE to be thankful for her help, especially e.g. from another post where lady was jealous of people who have grandparent help. And to say it is of zero use to me would be a lie. Yes it IS nice for me not to have to sort kids meals, bed time, showers etc when they are with her. And, some kid free days where I where I can relax in the evening, or work abit longer if I feel like it are nice. (I don't need 3 weeks, but a day or 2 here and there IS nice).

It's just the "Nana is flying in to help mummy take care of the kids so that mummy can work" that really grates. "Nana is coming to visit" I am ok with. "Nana is coming to help mummy" annoys the s**t out of me.

I have a friend who IS a career woman, and she is sooo grateful that her in laws take her kids off her hands so she can work uninterrupted. So I feel ungrateful. I guess I'm just the wrong DIL for my MIL?

YABU: Yes, you should be thankful and are being petty
YANBU: Your feelings are totally legitimate.

You need to answer back each time.

Next time she says she’s helping you, tell her ‘actually you’re helping your son’.

When she says she’s helping say ‘We don’t need the childcare but we thought it would be nice for you to spend time with the kids as you enjoy it.’

I've only said YABU because you're not taking advantage of this in the right way! Let her take them away - then you take a long weekend away without the kids, or go on holiday with your husband/friends. It sounds like you need to enjoy the child-free time so it is a benefit to you. Aren't there things you'd like to do without your children? Do you have hobbies or such a great life balance already that you already have plenty of 'me' time?

And just smile gracefully when you are expected to be grateful. I would get beyond irritated with the way she positions this...but she won't change. She's decided that this is what she is doing...sounds pretty narcissistic as well as sexist!

This - or get your husband to say it. It does sound really fucking irritating!

As someone whose 8yo has NEVER been baby sat by anyone, YABU.

Make the time useful to you, book leave and take on a project in the house/garden or a holiday with friends/ doing your hobby that wouldn't be possible or easy with the kids around.
Alternatively ask her to take one kid at a time (assuming you have 2) so that you can have 1to1 time with the one that remains with you.

There are lots of ways where your MIL could be extremely useful and you sound ungrateful.

What a lovely opportunity for your kids to spend time with their gm.
You are over analytical of her phrases.
Why is it always the paternal MIL who gets the bashing?
Food for thought!

This first paragraph is exactly what I was going to say.

We don't need family childcare to work - we both take time off and we use holiday clubs that our kids are very happy to go to. But I would absolutely love a child free weekend away with DH. Or to be able to go away with friends and know that DH had an extra pair of hands (he can cope alone but it can be a lot)

I do understand why it might be a bit irritating but I also think - take a deep breath and think, it could be a helluva lot worse than having a MIL who loves your kids and wants to spend time with them

This is exactly what I would do. I just wouldn’t tolerate anybody saying “X is flying in to look after the children so Mummy can work”. Every time I would correct it: “No, X is flying in to visit us for fun. Mummy’s job does not depend on X coming to visit. I don’t need any extra help to work.”

And my husband would be given short shrift if he started talking like our childcare was solely for my benefit.

Just speak up
Every single time
It's lovely to see you mil ,but we don't actually need any help with childcare,we are all sorted

Because when the maternal one does it we able to put our foot down, as I have with mine and knock this kind of behaviour on the head. Whereas when the paternal one does it, we accept it so as not to upset our partner

This is also the perfect response. I think it’s a nice, but firm, way to express how you feel.

Thank you for sharing your perspective

I think it’s the positioning herself as the one who is saving the situation, when for 50 weeks a year they manage fine without her

If she is safe and enthuistiatic why would you tell her she's not needed to help with the kids, she's their family.

People with saviour complexes are highly annoying but it's 2-3 weeks a year, does it really matter?!

I do understand it's irritating. My mum does the same and it irritates me.

But I would make it work for you and try and put it in perspective .

Meh. It’s pretty much a lot of drama about nothing. I look after my granddaughter a fair bit, and often phrase it as helping out daughter and her partner. Because i see it as just giving them occasional child free time. She doesn’t need me to do it, as i often do it on weekends when neither of them work, but she loves dc bonding with nanna, and having a couple of hours doing something for herself. Only on MN would the issue of something clumsily phrased (?) be jumped on and the MIL pulled to pieces….🙄

He can and does, but covering my work events - which involve me being away for a week - means he needs to take annual leave. So sometimes he chooses to ask his mum instead, which is his prerogative (and she is always delighted to be asked).

"Very restless, but not much to keep her occupied (she doesn't believe in volunteering)" - my bold

Why did you add that to your post? It's obviously a judgement but are older, retired women obliged to volunteer

What do your kids want, OP? Do they enjoy the time with their grandmother? You don't mention that as your post is all about you.

It's a lovely and important relationship to have, if they enjoy it.

I totally understand how frustrating the description she uses is. It is not the image you want to convey to your dc that only mothers who are responsible for child care and need ‘help’.
Think about the underlying facts rather than how it is being presented. Do the dc enjoy time with her, do you value the time you get?
If so then you challenge the presentation, politely, nicely at first then more firmly if need be. If there is a timing that would work better for you than the current pattern then suggest it.

I understand OP. I have never been grateful to my Mil for anything. Everything she does, or has ever done, is purely for her benefit.

I know this because on the rare occasions that I have asked her to change her plans slightly because it would work better for me she always refuses. She also likes to portray herself as worlds best mil, mother and grandma, and does nothing without needing praise.

I am always polite and nice but I have never actually been grateful for anything in my head.

My mother used to do things for me that I didn't want so she could say how helpful she was :-). She was helpful and I was grateful but it annoyed me when she went on about things that I did not need or request.

I think many are like that. They aren't going to be around forever, we can put up with their idiosyncrasies.

It's just the "Nana is flying in to help mummy take care of the kids so that mummy can work" that really grates. "Nana is coming to visit" I am ok with. "Nana is coming to help mummy" annoys the st out of me.

I would be so petty and people may disagree, but I would correct this when DH/Nan says this in front of various family members on both sides and BOLDLY reply 'nanny is flying in as DH cannot cope with the kids on his own'.
I would say 'Thank You MIL for sorting the kids, as YOUR son cannot seem to cope on HIS own, with HIS own kids whilst I work and still needs his MUMMY! Oh what larks!'

😆 🤣 😂

I would not let my child stay for weeks at a time either. Just no.
@whirlingswirlingsaucepan

@whirlingswirlingsaucepan This is the question - My Husband also asks me "when it would be helpful for ME for his mum to come and take care of the kids." that needs a very careful answer...something like "I'll check my diary and let her know."
Every time he/she asks - that is your answer.
Stop saying "Thank you" to her, let her son say it if he means it - it's a favour to HIM not to you.
Make sure they understand that.

My MIL could be a bit like this - although she would never have said it to people about helping me out. There was a time in my life when she dropped everything to help us - and to this day I am immensely grateful. But she would have liked nothing more than coming to stay for a few weeks and me dumping all childcare/pick ups etc on her. It would have meant her stay was far more stressful for her but she loved being needed. It didn't work for us because I had an existing set up of school lifts etc organised so I probably disappointed her with that. We both got over it and love each other. My other sil who lived near to her used her a lot for minding/lifts etc. Now they are grown up all the grandchildren love her and are close to her - doesn't matter if she minded them/helped out or just was with them.

I'd nip the "helping YOU" bit right in the bud and make sure everyone, including dh knows that any help with childcare is for both of you not just you. And then I would do whatever suited your family best for the rest. if it is better to continue with club/you picking up/whatever then do that when she visits. you don't have to rearrange your life if it is working for you - she is still going to spend time with them. And if she is going on to people how she is helping you manage just say "oh we'd manage fine MIL but we just love having you here to visit".