To not be "thankful" to MIL

[whirlingswirlingsaucepan]

Basically my MIL is retired and full of energy. Very restless, but not much to keep her occupied (she doesn't believe in volunteering). She wants to have a relationship with her grandkids (my kids), and she likes to feel "useful". Which is all well and good.

So she will happily look after the kids for 2/3 weeks a year. Either we go to her or she comes to us.

The problem is that I don't feel like I have a CHOICE in the matter. Whether I want to or not, the kids will be looked after by Nana for 2 - 3 weeks a year. And I need to be thankful for it, because she is "doing it to give me time to work as a busy mum". (She goes on and on about my "busy-ness" even if it's is not something I particularly feel). It's so that she feels "useful" in taking the kids. If I say I'm not actually that busy, then I have to explain exactly why I'm not busy when I should be.

Why is her taking the kids not particularly useful to me? Because my job is pretty flexible - I work part time, and I buy unpaid leave and can easily take parental leave (I am not a big spender, and between my salary and my husband's we thankfully are quite comfortable). I work entirely from home. There are lots of clubs I can sign them up for that they are happy to go to, and I can (thankfully) afford. I've sorted my life out. So her help is NICE but not actually that USEFUL to me.

But she tells her family (and mine) in front of me, about how she helps ME (not her son) to take care of the kids. At which point I'm supposed to look grateful. She also clearly wants me to be thankful to her. My husband also asks me "when it would be helpful for ME for his mum to come and take care of the kids."

I find it difficult to be close to her as she is judgemental about my life choices. She was a determined career woman in her time, while I've chosen (and am luckily able) to make big career sacrifices to be hands-on with my kids (which I'm very happy with, but don't need to constantly defend). And her opinions "leak out" in lots of little ways.

I do say a courteous "thank you" at the end of a visit, but I am not as warm as I would like to be. I generally try to be pleasant but make myself scarce during her visits. I don't look forward to them.

Am I being unreasonable? I would LIKE to be thankful for her help, especially e.g. from another post where lady was jealous of people who have grandparent help. And to say it is of zero use to me would be a lie. Yes it IS nice for me not to have to sort kids meals, bed time, showers etc when they are with her. And, some kid free days where I where I can relax in the evening, or work abit longer if I feel like it are nice. (I don't need 3 weeks, but a day or 2 here and there IS nice).

It's just the "Nana is flying in to help mummy take care of the kids so that mummy can work" that really grates. "Nana is coming to visit" I am ok with. "Nana is coming to help mummy" annoys the s**t out of me.

I have a friend who IS a career woman, and she is sooo grateful that her in laws take her kids off her hands so she can work uninterrupted. So I feel ungrateful. I guess I'm just the wrong DIL for my MIL?

YABU: Yes, you should be thankful and are being petty
YANBU: Your feelings are totally legitimate.

It's not something you particularly want from her, so you're not being unreasonable for not being grateful for it for you. And I would find her framing it as help for you really annoying - it perpetuates the idea that childcare is the woman's responsibility and something you needs help with so you can ALSO work like the children's father, who apparently doesn't need help as it's not his responsibility. I might actually say something along those lines since she probably sees herself as a bit of a feminist(?).

If you want to be warmer about it, can you focus on being grateful for your kids (if your kids love their time with her)? Or on it saving you money (e.g. for clubs they don't have to go to)? But also, push your DH to be more grateful. If he asks when it would be helpful for you, push back with something along the lines of - I don't need it at any point. This is something you want to happen, DH, when is best for you?

You & DH could get away for a holiday on your own while she's there !

I don’t know. I can understand it’s annoying the way she phrases it, for sure, helping you not him, but my MIL is dead, my mum has late stage dementia, we haven’t had a break really in over 15 years, (managed one night away for a work thing once but that involved 3 separate lots of people stepping in) so this is the stuff of my dreams to be honest.

Yep. Me too.

Actually, OP, if you really want to drive the message home, ^^this might be the way to do it! When she comes to stay, head off to stay with a friend or something. Send texts with photos of you and friend drinking cocktails (or whatever), saying "DMIL, don't know how DH would cope without you, he must be so grateful!" Come up with ever more crazy things - even if you're not taking holiday and are actually just working in friend's spare room and staging wild photo shoots in the evening for the texts

There's a lot about what's useful or not for you in your post. Have you ever considered the benefit to your DC? I'd be thankful they had a grandparent who loves them and wants to be involved.

She just wants to feel useful. As you get older you are needed less and less by your kids and feeling useful probably makes her feel better. It obviously annoys you, you can't help how you feel, but couldn't you let it slide to make her feel needed? Your kids wont need you one day either, I'd say choose your battles.

Yes, say something like that. You can say it in a way thar leaves everyone feeling ok but get the point across.

OMG listen to yourself wining, you come across as being very selfish and self centred. You should be grateful that your MIL actually wants to spend time with her grandchildren

Because my kids had a great time with us, at their friends’ homes and in holiday groups and clubs. and would not have wanted to spend lots of days with PIL instead?

So she babysits for you while you are at work? And she's the problem?

As someone who was born in the Soviet Union in 1989 , yesss

She babysits when the OP doesn't really need it or want it and then tells people she is helping out the OP (not her son who apparently has no responsibility for childcare). That's the problem.

You should be grateful that your MIL actually wants to spend time with her grandchildren

I'm so glad my parents and in-laws loved their grandchildren and got great joy from them and didn't expect me to be grateful to them for wanting to spend time with their grandchildren.

YABU: Yes, you should be thankful and are being petty
YANBU: Your feelings are totally legitimate.

I think both of these are true, if that’s possible! I’m the circumstances you describe, no wonder her attitude grates on you. But equally she is benefiting you as you say. What is it that really gets to you about her approach? As if you can really work that out, maybe you can unclench about it a bit, focus on the fact you get some help and it’s nice, and just let her comments wash over you.

Make the most of the free time and do something for you. Go away with your husband. Enjoy yourselves. There are ladies on this site who would give their eye teeth for the chance. Let mum in law think she is saving the day. In the grand scheme it really isn't that important. I doubt anyone gives it a second thought.

Op as someone who doesn’t have help and would love grandparents to be more involved I think you need to see the positives you have here. Why don’t you go to a spa, go out for lunch, go to the cinema, go on a long walk and stop for a drink, go out with friends for a few drinks in the evening. I would kill not go spend £800 in the summer holidays for child care and even more for some time doing something just for me

Im sorry you sound quite spoiled and as someone who has too much free time to be worrying about such a non issue. Maybe a more demanding job is something that you’d benefit from so you can apply your energy there 😂

first of all it’s a good thing for your children to have time like that with their grandmother, you don’t seem to be considering them at all. I treasured weeks I spent with my GPs and had close relationships with them as a result. Or are you secretly unhappy about this very thing? The closeness your kids will have with her?

second, who cares about her saying that? Or that you don’t feel that grateful? No one knows how you feel inside. It’s just a non issue whatsoever

We don’t have any grandparents’ help with our two kids. My husband’s family are around but are simply not interested in either having a relationship with the kids nor helping us. I would LOVE to have what you do, but everyone is different and your feelings and needs are totally valid.

I was thinking this too! You sound pretty ungrateful OP.

Depending on your children's ages, I'd get in touch and say that we would like to have a few days away so when would it suit her to come and look after the children for a few days so you can escape. She will either decline or welcome the opportunity!

We had zero help from either side.

YANBU they are your DH DC and it's his mother. Thai is something you need to get on the same page on with your DH. He should thank her.

Is there anything that your MIL would be a help with?bro they look after the DC alone? Could you take yourself off for free time with friends or your DH. Thank you would feel genuine.

Otherwise, thanks for visiting or it was nice for your visit is enough.

That sounds very annoying. I'd say it's more about her and still feeling useful than anything else though. It'd be kinda mean to burst her bubble and say she's not actually needed!

@whirlingswirlingsaucepan When she starts on about having them, say Well I don't need help for work, but me and Dave would love to have a break away for a week if you will have them? Or just say Could you have the kids for a week so we can have a holiday to Crete? Or wherever??

Do your kids enjoy their time with her? That's what really matters. If they love their Gran and look forward to spending time with her, then surely you can find it in you to be glad for their sakes.

This shouldn't really be all about you.