To not be "thankful" to MIL

[whirlingswirlingsaucepan]

Basically my MIL is retired and full of energy. Very restless, but not much to keep her occupied (she doesn't believe in volunteering). She wants to have a relationship with her grandkids (my kids), and she likes to feel "useful". Which is all well and good.

So she will happily look after the kids for 2/3 weeks a year. Either we go to her or she comes to us.

The problem is that I don't feel like I have a CHOICE in the matter. Whether I want to or not, the kids will be looked after by Nana for 2 - 3 weeks a year. And I need to be thankful for it, because she is "doing it to give me time to work as a busy mum". (She goes on and on about my "busy-ness" even if it's is not something I particularly feel). It's so that she feels "useful" in taking the kids. If I say I'm not actually that busy, then I have to explain exactly why I'm not busy when I should be.

Why is her taking the kids not particularly useful to me? Because my job is pretty flexible - I work part time, and I buy unpaid leave and can easily take parental leave (I am not a big spender, and between my salary and my husband's we thankfully are quite comfortable). I work entirely from home. There are lots of clubs I can sign them up for that they are happy to go to, and I can (thankfully) afford. I've sorted my life out. So her help is NICE but not actually that USEFUL to me.

But she tells her family (and mine) in front of me, about how she helps ME (not her son) to take care of the kids. At which point I'm supposed to look grateful. She also clearly wants me to be thankful to her. My husband also asks me "when it would be helpful for ME for his mum to come and take care of the kids."

I find it difficult to be close to her as she is judgemental about my life choices. She was a determined career woman in her time, while I've chosen (and am luckily able) to make big career sacrifices to be hands-on with my kids (which I'm very happy with, but don't need to constantly defend). And her opinions "leak out" in lots of little ways.

I do say a courteous "thank you" at the end of a visit, but I am not as warm as I would like to be. I generally try to be pleasant but make myself scarce during her visits. I don't look forward to them.

Am I being unreasonable? I would LIKE to be thankful for her help, especially e.g. from another post where lady was jealous of people who have grandparent help. And to say it is of zero use to me would be a lie. Yes it IS nice for me not to have to sort kids meals, bed time, showers etc when they are with her. And, some kid free days where I where I can relax in the evening, or work abit longer if I feel like it are nice. (I don't need 3 weeks, but a day or 2 here and there IS nice).

It's just the "Nana is flying in to help mummy take care of the kids so that mummy can work" that really grates. "Nana is coming to visit" I am ok with. "Nana is coming to help mummy" annoys the s**t out of me.

I have a friend who IS a career woman, and she is sooo grateful that her in laws take her kids off her hands so she can work uninterrupted. So I feel ungrateful. I guess I'm just the wrong DIL for my MIL?

YABU: Yes, you should be thankful and are being petty
YANBU: Your feelings are totally legitimate.

My ( male ) AC thanked me for making them cook and clean when they were younger.

Oh my life! Are you me? This summer was the last time we will do anything like this. Multiple trips across the country with teens who don’t really want to go to see the GPs at theirs anymore - they’d much rather be here with their mates. But the GPs like to feel useful/needed and like they’re helping us. Except they’re not, because the fucking logistics of every visit drains the life out of all of us, ends up with us taking days off work to drive them there/back around each DC’s activities and essentially makes life a hell of a lot more complicated than it would have been if we’d all stayed at home. This is very definitely not childcare, nor helpful in the slightest. The being made to feel grateful is the final nail in the coffin!!!!

@whirlingswirlingsaucepan
I think honestly she's got a bit of a "messiah" complex where you're concerned and feels that she can play God and dictate actions whilst telling all how wonderful she is for doing so
The next time she mouths off about the 3-week stint I'd say myself that you've other plans on and maybe soonish you'll see her in the future where she'll get to see the GC for a few days then
And also I would not let her "cow" me. The way she's treating you is like you were "never quite" for her so sod that
Like I've said just say NO more often
And suggest she go put her mind to use elsewhere??
Also,
You're never going to feel about the situation as you should because it was never done sincerely and subconsciously you know that.

Maybe the next time she makes a comment in front of everyone just say isn’t it great the children can take time out from their usual activities to spend time with you when you visit. They’re such thoughtful children….

It’s not a matter of being grateful given OP has made it clear she doesn’t need the childcare, and it seems MIL offers because she wants to see her grandchildren.

Thanks for this. This is what I would like to do. Let it go and be kind. But then again I'm reminded of her daughter (no kids) mentioning to me that her mum DOES come to help out. And my family saying "oh, it's so nice that MIL comes to help with the kids". And I just have to grit my teeth and say, "yes, yes of course". Because otherwise I'd sound mean spirited. Anyway, I'll try. And be thankful. I could be on here complaining that she was disinterested in her grandkids. Which I agree, for me would be worse. I'll just take her as she is.

Thank you!

This is 100% our experience. They will see him 4 times per year but only as a ‘favour’ so we can work, not to just to you know, actually see their grandson for 48 hours. Always initiated by us.

Ok. I'm just going to say this at risk of being shot down. We had no help at all, our DC didn't have any grandparents. I think they missed out. Me and DH just had to tag team when things got tough and deal with it. No breaks.
What I'm saying is that there is someone in your DC lives who wants to be with them and loves them and be be a part of their lives.
Ok. I know that's not necessarily how you feel. Just another view.

I do think OP if this is all you have to complain about… is she fairly pleasant otherwise?

Of course my MIL has done stuff I’ve found annoying over the years but so does my mum, or any other family. Otherwise she is kind, fun, generous, amazing with my DC and so many other things - I’m so lucky to have her.

If she used to be important in her big career she is probably feeling quite void of purpose in her retirement which is why she brags so much about “helping you” she wants to feel useful. I think it’s nice she wants a relationship with your kids and is willing to help. Some people would kill for that. If it was me I’d swallow the irritation of her banging on about how much she’s “.helping” and look at it like a favour you’re doing for her, your kids and your husband…. Then take the day off and go for a massage!

I think letter have this win. She is old and cutting to chase your kids have the benefit of having time with her whilst she’s here. One thing organise it in a way if you can that most suits you. If she wants to grand it up - let her, your husband in other hand yes have a word so he stops saying what is best for you. Just let him know you are doing this so your kids have time with her.

Similar situation but different... My parents used to insist on seeing my DD on a very regular basis, on their terms. They were very, very, very demanding. They also insisted that DD always sleep over, and then my DH and I would have a date night. However, often times, my husband and I would get in a fight because he didn't want DD to be at the grandparents yet again, he wanted to spend time as a family. As did I. But they were just so pushy and relentless (bigger issue here but I will stick to the part that applies) and so we gave in more often than not.

Well! Wouldn't you know how often they would then throw it in our faces how much they "helped" us! We NEVER asked for that "help" and if anything, we would resist and resist their endless demands that DD sleep over yet again. It wasn't helping us and it was actually hurting our marriage. We would even say that if they wanted to see her, they could pop by for an hour or so, etc, but no, it always had to be a long visit, 24 hours, at their house. So it was all for them, but they made it sound like it was somehow all for us. Ha!

I think that you need to make it VERY clear that you didn't ask for the help. Never use the word. If she uses it, correct her.

Tell DH you don't need "help" but if she wants to see the children, you can arrange something that suits you all.

I would also stop handing off your kids for that much time simply because your MIL has come to expect it. They are YOUR children. Who cares if she is bored?! That is her problem. Use their activities, age, your schedule, as a reason. Children evolve as they grow and so can your plans.

If she wants to judge you, let her judge. You won't change her but you can change how you respond to her.

Yes, exactly. She wants to see her grandkids. Which is lovely. And I am happy to facilitate it for everyone's sake. Hers, the kids, my husbands, and yes, even mine. But trying to make it all about helping me is completely unnecessary at best, and plain dishonest at worst. It's like work politics- trying to claim a side benefit of something is the main reason for doing it. Anyway I do just need to let it go. It's nice she wants to spend time with the grandkids, and anything else she says i just need to learn to ignore.

Start using the word "visit" every time the word "help" is brought up.

I’m not going to vote on this one because yeah, you should be grateful BUT the “she helps ME (not her son)” would drive me bloody bananas!! Do you not correct her (and DH) everytime? I would! “Eh, you mean helping your son?” Everytime and in a tone they’ll take seriously so they stop.

Then every time she says she’s helping you,you need to correct her. No MIL, you’re helping us, your son and me!
She’ll soon get the message.
But you have to find your voice instead of moaning about it. Nothing will happen if you don’t confront it.

I think this post is a good example of how even when people have no problems they will invent problems. What I would give to have such a trouble free life that a niggle like this took up so much brain space!

Well 70+% agree with you so why not try and address it?! I’d start with the DH….

🙄

3 weeks is such a long time to not have your children. You should just say no thank you and leave it at that.

I get it OP. When MIL suggests a time to visit to help you I’d reply, “Thanks Joyce, but I’m good that week. I don’t need any help.” Then I’d smile and change the subject.

When/if DH says, “Babe, surely you need help then?” You reply with, “Like I said, I’m good thanks. Do YOU need help with the kids that week?”

“MIL, of course you’re very welcome to come and visit US but don’t worry, you’re not here to help. Just visiting is lovely.”

You aren’t being rude but you are redrawing boundaries with both DH and MIL.

It's valid to be unhappy about the sexist framing.

YANBU. There's no need for her to frame it as 'helping' anyone. The more normal thing for her to do would be to emphasise how much she loves spending the extra time with her grandchildren. Her joy at being part of their lives should be at the centre of her thoughts, not how 'helpful' she's being. That would grate for me, too.

I think you need to pull the plug on the narrative around this right now - starting with your husband.
I would be having a very strong chat about these outdated patriarchal attitudes of his.

You have never asked for this.
YOU don’t need help.
Why are you supposed to be grateful for giving his mother the opportunity to feel important/connected to your kids?

At some stage the kids will push back and not want to hang at Nanna’s place. I think you need to start nipping it in the bud.