To not be "thankful" to MIL

[whirlingswirlingsaucepan]

Basically my MIL is retired and full of energy. Very restless, but not much to keep her occupied (she doesn't believe in volunteering). She wants to have a relationship with her grandkids (my kids), and she likes to feel "useful". Which is all well and good.

So she will happily look after the kids for 2/3 weeks a year. Either we go to her or she comes to us.

The problem is that I don't feel like I have a CHOICE in the matter. Whether I want to or not, the kids will be looked after by Nana for 2 - 3 weeks a year. And I need to be thankful for it, because she is "doing it to give me time to work as a busy mum". (She goes on and on about my "busy-ness" even if it's is not something I particularly feel). It's so that she feels "useful" in taking the kids. If I say I'm not actually that busy, then I have to explain exactly why I'm not busy when I should be.

Why is her taking the kids not particularly useful to me? Because my job is pretty flexible - I work part time, and I buy unpaid leave and can easily take parental leave (I am not a big spender, and between my salary and my husband's we thankfully are quite comfortable). I work entirely from home. There are lots of clubs I can sign them up for that they are happy to go to, and I can (thankfully) afford. I've sorted my life out. So her help is NICE but not actually that USEFUL to me.

But she tells her family (and mine) in front of me, about how she helps ME (not her son) to take care of the kids. At which point I'm supposed to look grateful. She also clearly wants me to be thankful to her. My husband also asks me "when it would be helpful for ME for his mum to come and take care of the kids."

I find it difficult to be close to her as she is judgemental about my life choices. She was a determined career woman in her time, while I've chosen (and am luckily able) to make big career sacrifices to be hands-on with my kids (which I'm very happy with, but don't need to constantly defend). And her opinions "leak out" in lots of little ways.

I do say a courteous "thank you" at the end of a visit, but I am not as warm as I would like to be. I generally try to be pleasant but make myself scarce during her visits. I don't look forward to them.

Am I being unreasonable? I would LIKE to be thankful for her help, especially e.g. from another post where lady was jealous of people who have grandparent help. And to say it is of zero use to me would be a lie. Yes it IS nice for me not to have to sort kids meals, bed time, showers etc when they are with her. And, some kid free days where I where I can relax in the evening, or work abit longer if I feel like it are nice. (I don't need 3 weeks, but a day or 2 here and there IS nice).

It's just the "Nana is flying in to help mummy take care of the kids so that mummy can work" that really grates. "Nana is coming to visit" I am ok with. "Nana is coming to help mummy" annoys the s**t out of me.

I have a friend who IS a career woman, and she is sooo grateful that her in laws take her kids off her hands so she can work uninterrupted. So I feel ungrateful. I guess I'm just the wrong DIL for my MIL?

YABU: Yes, you should be thankful and are being petty
YANBU: Your feelings are totally legitimate.

Well it's not really pathetic at all. He's perfectly capable of looking after them and when he's not at work we split childcare responsibilities pretty equally. But my work events usually involve me being away overnight or for several days, and as his work involves him being out of the house from 7-7 Mon-Fri then he has to take annual leave to cover it. Whilst a 10 and 12 year old don't need much hands on childcare (slightly strange that you've bothered to look up my previous posts to see how old my children are!) the 10 year old in particular can't be left to their own devices for hours before and after school, and they also have after school activities to get to.

Sometimes he does take leave or flex his working hours, but sometimes that's more difficult and so he asks my MIL instead. We have no regular family help with childcare as we live over 100 miles from family, and she seems happy enough to come up to cover for a few days once or twice a year.

Just once tell her that her choice of declaration is undermining your relationship with your kids. They are regularly hearing her say she is helping you because you can't cope. This isn't true and is souring your relationship with them, as she is teaching them they are too much, too naughty or that you simply don't live them enough

Tell her and your DH that you cannot and will not put up with her undermining you, riding to your rescue. She is more than welcome to have them but MUST stop denigrating you

Don't be polite about it, don't apologise for saying it and don't back down.

If your DH cannot hear you and won't help his mother get her head round it then you have an additional problem

My grandmother did much the same. My mother stood firm. My aunt wasn't as brave and her kids were pretty disrespectful as they got older. Very unpleasant

My husband also asks me "when it would be helpful for ME for his mum to come and take care of the kids."

So maybe she's taking her cue from him. Using his language. Tell him to stop it.

Also, isn't that just parents? I think if that is the most irritating thing she is doing, then blimey, you got lucky. My mum seems to think my DH has such a hard life if she sees him loading the dishwasher or some-such. Lol. I just laugh. She's annoying but you know, she's not an axe murderer. (If we are using a scale of mildly irritating – axe murderer). It's 2 weeks a year. Enjoy it! So she feels useful. What a kindness you are doing her. And the kids too - how lovely to spend time with Granny. You might not like her, but they deserve a chance to.

Sorry op your missing a massive opportunity to F"£K off on a one week or two week break on your tod or with the girl's (women) and get MIL to look after the kids for HIM not you HIM. If he can cope on his own without his Mums help even better.

Take a holiday you deserve it xx

If your kids hate it, she thinks she is doing it for you, your husband thinks she is doing it for you and you hate it - I'd definitely push back a bit. You'd feel better if you stood your ground with her. If the kids enjoy it, I'd probably correct it more mildly - i.e. when the comments come, just say "oh Brenda you know you don't need to take the kids to help me out, I've got it covered off just fine but they enjoy being with you and as long as you enjoy it, that's what is important to me". That way you would at least feel as if you haven't just swallowed her assessment that you need her help and should be grateful for it.

YANBU - it is very annoying but I wonder if it is something about her missing her own children's holidays/school events maybe etc. I am not entirely sure, it just sounds more like it fills a need in her. When you say she was a "determined career woman" maybe you making a different choice threatens her in some way.

It might be hard to educate your husband on this matter. Having grown up in your in laws family he might find it harder to see their issues or consider his mother's flaws.

I looked after my daughter's children as I was a childminder and those were amongst the best days of my life.
They are all older now and don't 'need' me though they stay in touch.
I also helped out at weekend etc and made it perfectly clear that this was meeting my needs not theirs!
OP could you reframe it, ask your husband to talk to his mother and say that she must never feel obligated to have the children but that both of you are grateful to her, he in particular appreciates it.

My mother in law cleaned the oven when I was in hospital having my first child.
She in her mind was helping me; to me it said, you skanky, lazy girl!

Families, eh?

One thing that jumped out at me was your use of the word “I”.

“I can sign the kids up to camps”
”I can afford it”
”I have my sorted MY life”

I can understand your irritation with your MIL referring to helping you rather than you and your husband, but honestly she’s both the first woman (or man) to do this. Most of us use that language at some point, you included.

I can understand your frustration, but I’d use the time to go away myself or with friends.

I have a very similar situation! Except I don't send my kids away, MIL who lives abroad comes and stays with us.
And like you I 'lean out' when she is here, and when I come in after a days work they are invariably deep into a board game or something so I feel like an intruder. So on the weeks where she is here 'helping' then I see my children very little as she is very careful to hog them/portray herself as the life& soul of the party, and will actually call them out of their rooms to come and play with her (which they are starting to really resent as they get older luckily).
And to those saying 'get a spa day' or whatever - yes you can occupy yourself for one day, but it's hard to find stuff to do for multiple days/weeks, as a one off (eg you can't sign up for a new hobby etc).
What I do do is loudly correct her when she talks about the 'helping'. I do say, no we don't need the help, we are happy to have you so YOU can see the children. But she doesn't listen, and will repeat it again the next time - but it makes me feel better!

It really does help to tell these people off because tip toeing around it for years sometimes decades certainly doesn't help anything. Telling off certain in-laws was probably one of the best things I've ever done and funny how they don't bother you anymore after their initial sulking and rage.

Ok fair play.

She likes to have her grandchildren. And assumes it is a help to you. She assumes you see yourself and that you are the primary child carer. Perhaps you should explain you are not. If you aren’t.
Tell her you would prefer her not to have the children in blocks of week.
I can understand not wanting to be beholden to anyone or having to feel grateful.
Do they go to hers or does she come to you ?
Be clear when it suits you and for how long.
She probably goes on about how busy you are as she assumes women with children who work are. And sounds as if she if trying to find some way of getting on with you.
And both of you are failing.

What if you said " we don't actually need childcare, my schedules are balanced, but you can come for a visit if you'd like?"

Can you allocate her another task such as listening to them read over facetime, or something like that?

Interested to hear why she doesn't 'believe' in volunteering work (presumably because she's inflexible?).

So does she come to you for whole weeks at a time or they go to her?

How do the people she tells think you cope the other 49 weeks of the year ? 🧐

Could it be they know damn well you don't need help but everyone's just nodding and smiling alone with how she's phrasing it?

Unless you correct her every time she says it there's not much else to be done about it. You could take the opportunity, next time DH asks when you want his mothers 'help, to say ''Tell her we dont need help but how about you and i have a nice break in [insert place of choice] for a few days next half term and your mum can have the kids for us ...?''

and see what he says.
And then do it!!
And the next time the family is all together you can say MIL had the kids for us while we had a lovely romantic break away!! It won't suit the narrative and so she won't make such a big thing of it.

I'm not doing that awful MN aggressive questioning thing but I'm interested in why you don't say (as gently or as sharply as you wish) oh no MIL, it's DH not me you're doing the favour - these dates are his family responsibility so it's him you're helping.

Next time she starts loudly boasting about doing “you” a favour helping with the kids, maybe try saying “yeah, you’re right, now you mention it, perhaps we’ve been taking advantage of you, let’s cancel your next visit.”

What?

I think it’s wonderful for DC to have strong relationships with their grandparents - and their aunts, uncles, cousins etc. The security that comes from having a broad range of family relationships and the learning around different ages/ viewpoints makes children’s lives richer IMO. So personally, if she’s not a monster, I’d appreciate what she brings to the table and ignore the irritating comments.

I think as she ages she needs this to still feel relevant, although the helping ‘you’ is not cool. I empathise - my Mum wanted to take my daughter out of nursery for one afternoon every other week, which was lovely. When she went on holiday for two weeks, her friend asked me how I’d be able to work with her away - she’d been given the impression my Mum was providing full-time childcare 🤣

Why do you go along with it? You could just say "oh, you don't need to have them for me, I'd hate to put you out and I'm lucky that the flexibility I have at work means I don't need help. It's lovely if you want to have them, but never feel obligated for my sake".

Who cares what she thinks, she's a bored woman who needs to feel like she has some purpose.

I'd let her take the kids and I'd take some time off for myself! You can tell her that you've been ssooooo busy when she brings them home if that floats her boat. Everyone's a winner.

While on one hand it's great she wants to help, the main thing is that she sounds like she never actually asked if you want it.

Speak up. May stop you feeling resentment. Do the children even like going to grandmas? Anyway, make it clear that it's not really for your benefit, to your husband too. It seems to be for your MIL's.

You say that your MIL was a dedicated career woman in her day. So maybe she's trying to alleviate some of the problems/pressure that she personally encountered. It probably wasn't easy for her as childcare options were very limited back then. Perhaps she really does see it as helping you personally as another working woman, if you see what I mean. Anyway, if the kids enjoy going to her then I would make the most of it and use the free time to do something for myself. They will soon reach an age where they choose not to go.

Tell both your MIL and your DH that her looking after her grandchildren is not help for Mummy exclusively and you don’t want to hear it described that way as it’s sexist and old fashioned and bad for the children to hear and horrid for your sense of self too.

You said you make yourself scarce - could that be giving her the impression you are busy, rather than avoiding her?