To not be "thankful" to MIL

[whirlingswirlingsaucepan]

Basically my MIL is retired and full of energy. Very restless, but not much to keep her occupied (she doesn't believe in volunteering). She wants to have a relationship with her grandkids (my kids), and she likes to feel "useful". Which is all well and good.

So she will happily look after the kids for 2/3 weeks a year. Either we go to her or she comes to us.

The problem is that I don't feel like I have a CHOICE in the matter. Whether I want to or not, the kids will be looked after by Nana for 2 - 3 weeks a year. And I need to be thankful for it, because she is "doing it to give me time to work as a busy mum". (She goes on and on about my "busy-ness" even if it's is not something I particularly feel). It's so that she feels "useful" in taking the kids. If I say I'm not actually that busy, then I have to explain exactly why I'm not busy when I should be.

Why is her taking the kids not particularly useful to me? Because my job is pretty flexible - I work part time, and I buy unpaid leave and can easily take parental leave (I am not a big spender, and between my salary and my husband's we thankfully are quite comfortable). I work entirely from home. There are lots of clubs I can sign them up for that they are happy to go to, and I can (thankfully) afford. I've sorted my life out. So her help is NICE but not actually that USEFUL to me.

But she tells her family (and mine) in front of me, about how she helps ME (not her son) to take care of the kids. At which point I'm supposed to look grateful. She also clearly wants me to be thankful to her. My husband also asks me "when it would be helpful for ME for his mum to come and take care of the kids."

I find it difficult to be close to her as she is judgemental about my life choices. She was a determined career woman in her time, while I've chosen (and am luckily able) to make big career sacrifices to be hands-on with my kids (which I'm very happy with, but don't need to constantly defend). And her opinions "leak out" in lots of little ways.

I do say a courteous "thank you" at the end of a visit, but I am not as warm as I would like to be. I generally try to be pleasant but make myself scarce during her visits. I don't look forward to them.

Am I being unreasonable? I would LIKE to be thankful for her help, especially e.g. from another post where lady was jealous of people who have grandparent help. And to say it is of zero use to me would be a lie. Yes it IS nice for me not to have to sort kids meals, bed time, showers etc when they are with her. And, some kid free days where I where I can relax in the evening, or work abit longer if I feel like it are nice. (I don't need 3 weeks, but a day or 2 here and there IS nice).

It's just the "Nana is flying in to help mummy take care of the kids so that mummy can work" that really grates. "Nana is coming to visit" I am ok with. "Nana is coming to help mummy" annoys the s**t out of me.

I have a friend who IS a career woman, and she is sooo grateful that her in laws take her kids off her hands so she can work uninterrupted. So I feel ungrateful. I guess I'm just the wrong DIL for my MIL?

YABU: Yes, you should be thankful and are being petty
YANBU: Your feelings are totally legitimate.

At least you have a MIL. Mine (lovely lady) died before DS was born.

YANBU. It’s not the childcare, it’s the implication that you need help managing things you’ve already got perfectly well organised.
Your MIL gets to play the indispensable helper, complete with an appreciative audience, while your husband reinforces the idea that childcare is your responsibility.
She’s effectively requesting credit for solving a problem that doesn’t exist whilst possibly making you feel belittled in the process. Abet she is probably oblivious to this and means no malice - this will all be more about her than you.

She sounds a bit annoying but tbh I’d weigh up whether I like her having the kids more than I find her annoying. It’s such a sexist idea that any help is for mum alone anyway. I think I’d have to make a sarcastic comment such as “I actually really love spending time with the children and I’m incredibly lucky that my work is flexible enough for me to be able to do so, but we completely understand if you want to have them because you enjoy it”. Or go even further and say “DH really appreciates you having them for him”.

As others have said, I wonder if she feels guilty for having a career and not spending enough time with her own children and is possibly upset you’ve not chosen the same path?

Christ, no that would annoy the fuck out of me. My mum still works, and does her best to help me out with my kids when she can (as do my sisters), and even though they're doing me a huge favour, none of them ever frame it that way.

It's weird that she's like that. Why can't she focus on the fact that she's spending quality time with her grandkids? It's weird that she needs to have everyone see her as your saviour.

My ex MIL was like this. It made me not want her help. It came with strings I never agreed to.

Like some other examples I have seen on MN recently, I feel that the MIL is actually doing this all for her own benefit, not actually to help at all. She’s just framing it that way. She gets to do what she wants - spend time with her grandchildren but makes it appear she’s selfless and is doing it for the greater good. I struggle to understand people like that, but have encountered quite a few.

I’d find it annoying and I would definitely be trying to spend the time doing something fun with your DH to distract from her attitude.

Yeah, I agree. If a MIL initiates contact and requests to see grandchildren, have them for a sleepover or a week - fine. Most of us want to have that warm, loving relationship between children and grandparents.

But it grates when it’s framed as “help” and you’re obliged to agree to the arrangement and show gratitude to boot.

On a tangent, I’ve had my MIL request to spend time with my young son only, so big sister still has to go to afterschool club - Not helpful!

I think it is the way women in this age group were socialised. I think many of them feel like they can't say what they themselves want or enjoy.

This would bug me - any hint of sexism grinds my gears. Could you not comment on it? "We appreciate you having the kids, but why is it just helping me and not DH?"

It is a problem though. She has a mother in law who likes to criticise and tell people what an amazing nana she is.

Just because you might have “worse” problems does not make OPs negligible.

I get sexism comments from my mil. She used to on and on about how I could get a slow cooker, and before work chop the veg and get it ready, so when I come home from work it would be done. The first few times I just ignored it. Like just went “uh huh” and moved on. But after a few times I just said “ your son could also do this since I work longer hours, but I can’t see him getting up earlier on a morning to do it either” she was all oh well yeah of course. Then for our 10 year wedding anniversary she got ME (specifically said this) a mini chopper to help me prepare veg. I am one to pull her uk on the crap she says. It only got worse once I got pregnant.

Women like this don’t change, but you can certainly change the narrative that others hear.

We get absolutely zero help from either set of grandparents so I have limited sympathy. She’s trying to help and projecting the challenges that she faced as a working mother onto you. Either take the help and suck it up, or tell her you don’t need it. Don’t take it then bitch about the way she describes her role.

OP isn’t getting any help from her MiL. That is the whole point.

MiL is coming for herself, not OP.

You have the patience of a saint, OP. I’d have told her well before now that it’s lovely that she enjoys being so hands on with them but I don’t actually need her help, I’m quite capable of coping. Point out to her that you’ve cut your cloth accordingly, tell her she’s welcome to have them whenever, but that you don’t want her laboring under the delusion that’s she helping you because you don’t actually need help. She shouldn’t enjoy her retirement and you don’t want her to feel pressured like that 😉. Say it at Christmas in front of everyone at the same time so the message is received by all straight from the horse’s mouth.