My new bf

[sandybeaches74]

So I’ve had a new boyfriend since October last year. He’s good to me, kind to me, does lots of jobs around the house, cooks, cleans, is great with my kids etc… However, I am paying for everything, he is using my car, he is eating my food, he is basically living in my home rent free. He does pay when we go out for meals occasionally but tbh that’s not that often. When I asked for his share of the price of our summer holiday he was upset. He says that he doesn’t ask to eat my dinners and he wouldn’t have them unless I offered. It kind of leaves me with nowhere to go on the conversation. He doesn’t want to book any holidays so it’s always my idea and then I pay. I had a horrible husband before I met him and he is not that at all… but something isn’t sitting right here… everytime I raise it, I just don’t get anywhere so I have realised there is no point. Can you give me your views?

If he was a good guy at heart he wouldn't be a prick when you request the bare minimum from him

Anyone can be nice when they're getting a free car food and holidays.

Put yourself in his shoes, would you sit back whilst someone else pay for everything for you and then have a tantrum if they dared suggest you contribute occasionally?

He is not a good guy. He's an opportunist. Guarantee he'll have found someone else to house and feed him within a week.

The thing is, I think, any fundamentally decent person would have insisted on, never mind agreed to, contributing to your expenses by now.
This weaselling out of it by shifting any such responsibility to you (you ‘offering’ meals, fgs) would really make me question his bona fides, I’m afraid.
No matter how much practical use he is around the place, this is a character flaw that I couldn’t overlook and accept
It bespeaks a lack of generosity which is very seriously at odds with your own instincts, and that mismatch in basic values means trouble.

I think you have to have a sit down conversation now, addressing the matter, though God knows it’ll be awkward, and also pretty tricky, in that you don’t want to cement any arrangement which reflects some kind of lodger status.
At this stage he is still just ‘staying over’ now and then, albeit rather too frequently for comfort.
But it all needs to be laid out and clarified I think.
Depending on how he reacts, you then assess the relationship. A good-hearted man will be very happy to reassure you of his non-exploitative intentions, in a practical manner 💷.

Good luck; if you can negotiate a path around this sticky wicket you can be sure you’ve a good ‘un there.

He cooks, cleans and does odd jobs around the house?

You feed him and lend him your car?

sounds fair to me

I know a fella that sounds just like this. Long shot, but if his name begins with N he’s got form for latching onto attractive women in your situation.

If you do go on holiday without him make sure you get his key back and get someone to keep an eye on the house in case he has had a spare key cut.

OMG OP please get rid of this bloke he is a user and is financially abusing you. Horrible man and no his heart is not in the right place he is whatever a male goldigger is, eating your food etc and then saying he wouldnt only you give it to him so twisting things and manipulating you too. Get him out before he sets himself up there as a cocklodger for life.

Does he have a job, op?

I'm sure the OP cleans and looks after her house too. It's nice of him to do things for her but it hardly excuses him saying he shouldn't have to pay for a holiday because she booked it. I think that is a very clear problem that he can't fudge. He either pays his share or he doesn't go away with her - as he says he never wanted a holiday and didn't book it. The fact he has a job and a mortgage-free house makes him sound like a real skinflint and CF.

Sorry late entry . I would say the problem is him not opening up and having a conversation about contributions so that you’re not feeling railroaded. What a pity because he sounds great other than that . Is it maybe lack of emotional intelligence on his part , he can do all the surface stuff but how deep is he ? I think communication is vital in relationships , that and admitting you’re wrong sometimes!

He is a bit of a sponger isnt' he?

It can't be assumed that he has a "mortgage-free house".

OP has been deliberately vague about what type of home he owns.

She has said, ". . . he does have his own home but it’s not your usual kind of home, he owns it and it doesn’t cost him anything monthly (I don’t want it to be outing). . ."

Which suggests that he might live in a camper van or an annex in his parent's house or a caravan parked on someone's land, or some other type of non bricks and mortar property which isn't mortgageable and there may not be any equity tied up in it if he were to sell it.

Well all very mysterious. But whatever, he isn’t paying rent or mortgage and isn’t homeless. And he works. So It doesn’t explain why he expects OP to pay for absolutely everything.

Indeed.

Yeah and running the house would certainly be thought of as a significant contribution if it was a woman doing it. I agree you need to sit him down and talk about it.

just reread your post yourself again and again.

He’s using you. Good luck in getting rid of a ‘man’ like this. I’d rather be alone than be used.

Of course it's now stopped. He's done the initial charm offensive and now he's comfortable he probably doesn't see why he needs to bother quite so much.

@sandybeaches74
Ooooooooh Dear; you're keeping this man and I reckon that he knew what was what long before you ever did
He only pays for meals when you're out so people will assume he pays generously for everything else ever and is a good provider which in turn will make him look really good and you very "lucky"
Did you never think of that?
Get rid of this leech
He knows and doesn't care about your concerns and knows how to shut down any discourse so
Don't let him
Oust him now.

I think the consensus on here is probably correct in most cases, but just want to add a small caveat from my own life.

I've been happily married for almost 20 years now. My husband is 10 years younger than me and probably was quite a few of the things you describe here were also true of him at the start; mainly because he was 25 and his career etc. hadn't properly started whereas mine obviously had, and he couldn't even drive!

Perhaps the difference could be that he did show a couple of green flags while relying on me financially - he did loads of housework and he never asked me to spend anything on extravagances. He was always honest, for instance, that he couldn't afford (i.e.) just to go halves on a spontaneous weekend away somewhere if I suggested it.

Although I do occasionally still remind him of all the free holidays and lifts he used to get, it is all basically just a memory now. He soon started earning a lot more than me and quickly blossomed into a proper grown-up, so to speak. If you asked him, he'd say it was from being around someone else who had their life together.

Probably the minority case here, but maybe worth thinking whether you think it's a life-phase thing or just a lazy loafer thing. I don't think I ever doubted it was the former with my husband and maybe the minute you're even asking the question, you have your answer.

The fact he does ask to eat your meals or book holidays is irrelevant.....he is eating your meals and is going on holidays that you've paid for therefore should pay for his share, no question - especially as there's no reason why he can't afford to. Sorry OP but he's taking the absolute piss...

Oops...sorry.....I mean "doesn't" (not does, of course!)