My new bf

[sandybeaches74]

So I’ve had a new boyfriend since October last year. He’s good to me, kind to me, does lots of jobs around the house, cooks, cleans, is great with my kids etc… However, I am paying for everything, he is using my car, he is eating my food, he is basically living in my home rent free. He does pay when we go out for meals occasionally but tbh that’s not that often. When I asked for his share of the price of our summer holiday he was upset. He says that he doesn’t ask to eat my dinners and he wouldn’t have them unless I offered. It kind of leaves me with nowhere to go on the conversation. He doesn’t want to book any holidays so it’s always my idea and then I pay. I had a horrible husband before I met him and he is not that at all… but something isn’t sitting right here… everytime I raise it, I just don’t get anywhere so I have realised there is no point. Can you give me your views?

Really? Im a much higher earner than my DP. We have lived together a year tomorrow actually. Very very happy. He pays half the bills and a rent ( I own), and half of days/dinners out, half of the holidays. I could afford more holidays (im a bit obsessed with travel) but we only go as much as he can afford (which is 2 big holidays, and 2 or 3 weekends away per year) . He pays half. He wouldn't want to pay any less, it would embarrass him. I must admit, I organise all the holidays and I dont let him know about a lot of hte 'extras' (like parking, extra baggage allowance etc) because I just don't want him to struggle - but he would insist on paying it otherwise. He just relies on me to tell him what his share is.

Hes an absolute sweetheart. I get him little gifts a lot because I can and he gets me thoughtful things (that arent expensive but mean the world to me). Didn't realise I was supposed to subsidise him. He earns about 35k a year, I earn 100+k. I own, he doesnt own anything. He lives here for a very low rent so hes got a good deal. But I have to agree with others when I say if he didnt pay his way 50-50, and insist on it, I would get the ick. But I do organically pay more for things - for exmaple Im a shocking cook, so I will often get a takeaway, and the next time he buys something special and cooks. To me we are both getting an awesome deal there - even though mine woudl cost a lot more of course.
Hes a sweetheart.

Got his feet under the table so will milk you for all your worth.Get rid.

These things do creep up on us, OP! At least you realised now and not in a few years' time.

Your kindness can be exploited by the wrong people, but it's not weak to be kind. I think we have to learn the hard way on this, how to spot and avoid people who take advantage. Hopefully lesson learned and not too much damage done. Onwards and upwards etc!

He’s not actually that nice to their mum though is he, when he gets upset about you asking him to pay his way, or contribute to a holiday he is going on?
Not withstanding, that the money that you spend on keeping this sponging freeloader, could actually go towards your kids futures.

I think you fully realist you’ve been a bit daft and that he has manipulated you into this situation where you are too worried to ask a grown arse man to pay for his own living expenses. That should be giving you the ick. I can’t stand a tight arse man.

Is he still at school?

If he's used to living with his mum, he may be accustomed to having his home, meals, and holidays provided.

A grown man isn't.

Please read the other comments. He isnt a good guy at heart he is a sponger.

i think you will find he may not have those nice qualities when you ask for rent, he is acting nice so he can keep everything as it is...he is not nice to expect so much from you.

That was my guess too @TerfOnATrain, he's probably much more comfortable in the OP's house having his meals provided, etc.

It's time he went home @sandybeaches74, you have children to look after, you don't need another person to provide for,

Thats a cock longer. Im so sorry. Get him away from you. Hes nice right now because hes on best behaviour to try keep the situation going. The man is using you.

Hang on, he does the cooking when you invite him for dinner? That's weird.

He says that he doesn’t ask to eat my dinners and he wouldn’t have them unless I offered.

How much of the cooking and cleaning does he actually do?

Agree with PP he's a cocklodger and dating someone less than a tear is way too soon for them to be settling into the family home with your kids. Whatever you think, this situation is not in their interests and is not prioritising them.

If you do continue with this 'nice' man and he ever fancies sticking his hand in his pocket, I suggest he covers his share of bills only and not the mortgage, otherwise you could sleepwalk into a difficult situation there.

First answer was the best description needed in this situation!

Respectfully, OP, you shouldn’t be dating until you raise your bar. Most people wouldn’t have even introduced him to their children yet, far less moved him in with them!

It seems he is being measured up against the OP’s ex husband, and not as bad, so hence why he has lasted this long, this is what u gauged from things. And maybe the need to have someone.
No matter how lovely he seemed, he shouldn’t have been fully in your lives and living in your home all within a year!
It is a known fact, that unfortunately some guys do seem to target single mums.

I know of a few but one in particular who uses the gf’s place(rent paid by the benefits) to have his contact with his kids. As his home was not suitable. So imagine how much he has saved himself from renting a one bed flat for etc, at the least.
For some guys they see women with kids as an easy life. Because as though they will ask for less. And already have their own set up, so the man doesn’t really have to do much. Unless he wants to. And in many cases will go on to have more kids together.

How long has he lived with you OP

I think OP if your marriage was abusive it's very normal to start seeing any non abusive relationship as a really great one, even if it's not. As a caring person you won't want to seem harsh and might give too much benefit of the doubt. With time you'll see "not abusive" is not the gold standard, it's the bare minimum. The red flag for me is that you've expressed your discomfort. If he had no idea you weren't happy to be 100% responsible for all payments, fair enough - once told, if he isn't immediately scrabbling to contribute to the best of his ability, it's because he doesn't want to

The fact that when you raise it with him and he comes up with excuses and guilt trips tells me he is not a good guy at heart. A good person would expect to pay their way and you would not need to be asking him because he would automatically offer.

Id suggest you have a really hard think about what is important to you and where you want your life to go. Because I don’t think someone who uses you like this is someone who can be relied on if times get tough. They have a huge character flaw and are more likely than not to disappear if you become seriously ill or lose your job or similar.

He needs to go home and stay over only on agreed nights. Do not accept rent. He stays at your's and if u can't stay over at his then he cooks for u/pays for meal or takeaway and you drive home. This is a solution if u want to continue the relationship

100 percent.

So I think people are questioning the fact that if you are capable enough in life to have a good job , money, run a household why are you incapable of seeing that this man is completely using you and leeching off you financially. The money you spend funding his life could be used for your children’s future - unless you have unlimited funds it will impact them as it will only get worse. Of course he’s nice now - he’s getting his entire life funded for him by you - he must be saving a fortune , desperate and all as you seem to be to have this man , it is beyond unreasonable that he would expect you after a mere 12 months to pay for absolutely everything- to live rent free , not pay any bills not even to buy his own food and even has the nerve to push back when you question it. It’s totally and utterly shocking to be honest. I’m not trying to be mean and I don’t think other posters are either but the whole thing is unfathomable. Usually this is the type of thing you see with utterly desperate and vulnerable women.

He doesn’t sound like a good man at heart, he sounds like a good man on the surface and a leech at heart. At one year in, you’re only just getting beyond the surface and seeing what he’s really like, which is why it’s not recommended move a new partner in so quickly, especially with kids.

I don’t think many kids are genuinely thrilled to have a new adult move into their home and I suspect your kids quietly feel that the arrangement has just “happened to them” even more so than you do @sandybeaches74. if you didn’t discuss it with him, I assume you likewise haven’t discussed it with them, which is rather unfair on them.