My new bf

[sandybeaches74]

So I’ve had a new boyfriend since October last year. He’s good to me, kind to me, does lots of jobs around the house, cooks, cleans, is great with my kids etc… However, I am paying for everything, he is using my car, he is eating my food, he is basically living in my home rent free. He does pay when we go out for meals occasionally but tbh that’s not that often. When I asked for his share of the price of our summer holiday he was upset. He says that he doesn’t ask to eat my dinners and he wouldn’t have them unless I offered. It kind of leaves me with nowhere to go on the conversation. He doesn’t want to book any holidays so it’s always my idea and then I pay. I had a horrible husband before I met him and he is not that at all… but something isn’t sitting right here… everytime I raise it, I just don’t get anywhere so I have realised there is no point. Can you give me your views?

After reading all of your posts, it sounds like this guy actually does contribute quite a bit but just not in money. Can you try estimating how much money his contributions to your household would cost, if you paid someone to do them? It's possible you don't have a problem, or at least not as much of one as you may be thinking you have.

There does also seem to be a dismissive stubbornness involved too though, if he's starting making a point of flat out refusing to chip in any money at all for anything. Is it possible he doesn't have any money and doesn't want you to know it for some reason?

Ignore the sharks OP.

Nothing you've said suggests your children aren't your priority.

Is he literally living with you 24/7? That would affect how much he should contribute.

Agree. Sounds pretty risky for the kids.

Maybe they’re old friends and known each other years. But sounds like OP only met him a year ago. So, within months, a stranger is staying over in her home (and on holidays) with kids. If OP was a friend of mine I’d be very worried a man had such swift access to her children. Most people wouldn’t even introduce someone to children until a year into a relationship. Worse case scenario, some dodgy men target lone mothers. Even if he’s not dodgy, what happens if the relationship ends after the kids have got used to living with him, which would feel like a loss to them.

I’d cool it right off, OP, and stay over at his/in an hotel if you want to spend the night together, while the kids are looked after by family. Unless they’re older teens. If you decide to cohabit later down the line, suggest you use due diligence on his background and seek legal advice to protect your assets.

He knows exactly what he’s doing OP it’s only you who can’t see the wood for the trees.

I assume this man's "outright home" is a caravan

I've been in this situation and it took me too long to get rid of him. Read what people are saying and take their advice (I understand how difficult it is having been there but it took me too long). Remember that your children are losing out financially if you are paying for him.

Can I ask what his reasoning is OP, when you try to talk about it? Why does he think you're unreasonable to ask for him to pay towards the holiday, for example? I'm honestly intrigued.

He is not good to you! He is taking advantage of you. He needs to be paying his share of utilities, internet and food. I'd estimate about £400 per month but check your bills and see. I'd be making the ultimatum that he pays his keep or he moves out and finds his own place which would be considerably more expensive.
If he uses your car he needs to put fuel in it and pay half of the service costs. Or get his own car.

Fucking hell! He was standing at the top of the mountain when he saw you coming! Why are you allowing this? Lovely guy, but contributes nothing financially, fuck no! I don't care if he was doing the lions share, contributing nothing is a major ick, red flag, fuck no and everything else in-between. He's taking the piss, blatantly.

He’s a tight arse. Meanness with money is a bit like a disease that grows and grows.

This week you buy him a coffee, next week it’s a coffee and a sandwich, the week after it’s lunch and on it goes and grows. When challenged they generally deny it and turn the conversation back on you. He may improve, but he will go back to his old ways. And you will always be waiting for it.

You say he has some good points which is great but I think you need to accept that he will never change. The question is can you put up with it?

Someone inadvertently moving in is such a “thing” that it features in Big Bang Theory (Season 2 episode 10)

If he’s really living with you, his (council tax?) share of bills and grocery bill are an absolute minimum. Often people share them according to income. His income is relevant — as with his driving, why hasn’t he got his own car? Book your own holiday and if he wants to go too, he can pay the additional costs.

If he’s a genuinely good guy, he won’t want to impose on you or make you uncomfortable in your own home or take funds you need for your children. If he’s not willing to hear you and respect your discussion, he’s not such a great guy.

Good luck sorting this out.

This. He's not your boyfriend, he's a user. Get rid.

What on earth makes you think that this is a balanced healthy relationship

Oh my god OP how bad was your ex husband that makes you think this utter scrounging user is a good man??? Hes vile!
You really have to kick him out, and right now.

Yes. And that is exactly the same line he used about the holidays.
Him "I don't need a holiday. I cant afford to waste money on holidays (I'm saving up) "
OP "Well, I do want a holiday so I guess I'll pay"
Him "Oh well in that case."

That and the dinners. What a rubbish excuse.
"I shouldn't have to pay for food, because although i turn up at every dinner time like clockwork and hang around your kitchen, like a cat wanting to be fed by the neighbours, you must remember, I didn't actually ASK you for dinners.
Whilst I sat there at the table looking forlorn and hungry at everyone else eating, you literally forced the dinner on me...It would be rude to turn you down. So that's down to you, because I have not actually asked. Even though this happens everyday. I didn't ask. "

God he's not even got the wit to think up a better argument.

Yes. This.

He cannot pretend that this is all innocently done, that he just hadn't realised and its all a mistake @sandybeaches74

You've tried to raise it with him and he deflects it and shuts you down with

1. pathetic excuses.. I didn't ask for holiday, I didn't ask for dinner
2. Now you've really upset me.

That indicates to me that he knows exactly what he's doing. This is completely deliberate. He is fleecing you deliberately and sponging off you like a parasite because he is a tight miserly scrub.

Anyone who could do that to another person... doesn't care one hoot about them.

Your logical brain and your gut are screaming that this is unfair, but your emotional brain is trying to quiet them down by saying, "At least he’s good with the kids," or "At least he isn't like my ex."
While gratitude for a decent person is normal, gratitude should not be used as a shield to tolerate being financially and emotionally drained. A relationship shouldn't feel like you are managing a dependent or a tenant who refuses to pay rent.

sack him off and spend your time being a mother to your children instead of trying to have a love interest. It’s clearly not working out

Does he have a job?

"He does work and he does have his own home but it’s not your usual kind of home, he owns it and it doesn’t cost him anything monthly"

So OP, does he rent out his own house and needs your place to stay?

Or does he live in a caravan or motorhome and finds your place far more comfortable (and free)?

What is your council tax situation, OP?

Are you claiming the 25% discount for a single adult household?

It's not even creative writing anymore when ChatGPT does it for you

I have one word for you: cocklodger.

Are you so desperate for a partner that you are prepared to pay for one? If the answer is yes, then why are you so wound up.

Wow some of these responses are really harsh!

Yes OP, I agree he sounds to be a bit of a user! If he isn’t willing to even contribute to the holiday that’s pretty bad. He maybe is just an idiot and hasn’t occurred to him, so it might be worth having a very frank conversation of your expectations. However, I think this might be one to throw back!

He's hardly a new boyfriend if you've been seeing him for a year.
That's long enough to know whether he's for keeps or not.

I would say he is not for keeps. You can do better, someone who will pay their share (not dinners, one more plate makes little difference), not use your car all the time and finance holidays if you want to go away with him.

Aa things are, he has all the goodies without the responsibilities.

Get rid before he starts talking about moving in.