My new bf

[sandybeaches74]

So I’ve had a new boyfriend since October last year. He’s good to me, kind to me, does lots of jobs around the house, cooks, cleans, is great with my kids etc… However, I am paying for everything, he is using my car, he is eating my food, he is basically living in my home rent free. He does pay when we go out for meals occasionally but tbh that’s not that often. When I asked for his share of the price of our summer holiday he was upset. He says that he doesn’t ask to eat my dinners and he wouldn’t have them unless I offered. It kind of leaves me with nowhere to go on the conversation. He doesn’t want to book any holidays so it’s always my idea and then I pay. I had a horrible husband before I met him and he is not that at all… but something isn’t sitting right here… everytime I raise it, I just don’t get anywhere so I have realised there is no point. Can you give me your views?

I voted YABU for still being with him. You've got yourself a cocklodger, chuck this one back in

Does he park his other home in your driveway, OP?

He isn't a good guy at heart as good guys don't do this. You just think he is because you're comparing shit with shitter

I thought a little boat actually

When I added my bf to my insurance, I actually saved twenty quid , lol

You are nice, too nice, so are getting royally taken advantage of.

Of course he's nice to you, he's living off you, nice to you until you ask him to pay his way or just contribute.

Then not so nice.

He's a user.
And you are in denial.
How long would this last if you said going forward you will only see him at his, on his dollar?

Not 5 minutes is my guess.
You deserve better.

You need to put your foot down and tell him to go back to his and you'll be happy to meet for a date next week, and from now on he can stay over once a fortnight, if he's a decent person he'll understand you need your space.

I'm sorry people have been so nasty. That's the reason I don't post anything here - apart from answering a few posts - there are unfortunately a lot of really nasty people who say things just to be horrible. Please ignore them and only concentrate on the ones that give considerate advice. Hope you get it all sorted out. I definitely think you should bring it up again - he needs to pay something, that's for sure.

Just go on holiday without him

If he is living in your home - as in, he doesn't have his own place - AT THE VERY LEAST he contributes to the food bills and the heating, electricity etc. He is gaslighting you into thinking your care snc good manners means that he doesn't have to pay because you have freely offered.

He is robbing your children. He is not a good man, he is a financally abusive cocklodger.

How old is he @sandybeaches74? I think you need to leave him. Someone can appear well.... if you already have kids he really should feel ashamed. He may have good points but it isn't good enough. He should be paying his way.

Sorry OP he is a user. I hope you get rid!

Does he have a full time job? If not and he is not actively and obviously looking for work, I would think seriously about this relationship, as he sounds like a sponger.

Quite clearly he should pay half for holidays, and presumably the reason why he doesn’t is that he has no money.

I would find this kind of sponging shirker deeply unattractive. He apparently has not sense of fairness or respect.

He sounds like a proper worm to me.
He has been very clever and wormed his way into living rent free in your lovely house, eating your food, driving your car and not paying any bills. His good and kind personality will soon change when you demand he pays his way.

But mid policy there's likely an admin fee.
OP if he's driving your car on his own insurance he'll only be 3rd party. What happens if he writes it off? Who is going to pay the difference between the market value and how much you need for another car?

Hi op just be straight with him. Tell him You want to be with him but your costs are rising if he doesn’t want to contribute that’s fine reduce the amount of time you have him over for food stop the use of the car. Let him stay in his own home more. If he’s not using you then you’re not going to be worse off and if he’s walks away you will know that it is for the best. Don’t let the negativity posters push you off your own post ignore don’t reply to them just take the advice you need.

Agreed, absolutely,

If you really like him then I think you need to sit down and talk to him. Start with the good bits that you appreciate, then say “but look Dave, I pay for everything- the car, the food, the holidays. I appreciate you helping me out but given how often you stay and eat, and use the utilities and the car, I think it’s a normal part of sharing a life. The kids help out. For an adult with a job, it doesn’t replace a financial contribution.”

However FWIW I think he’s dodgy, I’m afraid. Using the whole “oh I didn’t ask you to feed me” “I didn’t ask you to take me on holiday” is really a poor and quite low argument, akin to “I didn’t ask to be born” from a 14 year old. It’s immature at best, more likely it’s manipulative. It’s designed to shut you down (and it’s worked). If he was genuine he would meet you on this, not shut you down. In fact it shouldn’t have come to you having to bring it up, particularly the holiday.

Don't waste your breath, he won't pay, he has no intention of contributing anything. You clearly don't want to hear this, but as many times as you ask, the answer will be the same, he's sitting pretty on your dime

Well you know the answer hes just using you, and getting sex thrown in, stop paying for him, dont let him eat your food, dont cook for him and dont pay if you go out, im assuming you have your kids full time and dont want to put in boundaries as you will lose him, if you dont have your kids full time then back right off and dont contact him and when he says hes coming round say sorry im busy but im free friday night to go out and then dont pay to see if he pays and dont let him in your home, why dont you go to his home, but hes not a good guy hes a user

Bye bye.

No idea of sharing them though! Buying the occasional meal is all he feels he owes.

@sandybeaches74 It is normal for the higher earner in a relationship to financially support the lower earner.

I think it's worth having a discussion first before LTB. He seems to have some positives and give him the benefit of the doubt that he is just now aware rather than he is trying to use you.

Obviously depending on how the conversation goes you may need to end the relationship but from what you've written I think it's worth having a proper sit for to say given where we are in the relationship and the time you spend here and you do appreciate all he does but you think there needs to be a conversation about how you split costs etc.

And if as you said he is reluctant to go on vacation you may need to go on holiday with just you and your kids even if you continue the relationship.

First post nails it as usual!

They’ve been dating a year!! She has two dependent kids. He has none