My new bf

[sandybeaches74]

So I’ve had a new boyfriend since October last year. He’s good to me, kind to me, does lots of jobs around the house, cooks, cleans, is great with my kids etc… However, I am paying for everything, he is using my car, he is eating my food, he is basically living in my home rent free. He does pay when we go out for meals occasionally but tbh that’s not that often. When I asked for his share of the price of our summer holiday he was upset. He says that he doesn’t ask to eat my dinners and he wouldn’t have them unless I offered. It kind of leaves me with nowhere to go on the conversation. He doesn’t want to book any holidays so it’s always my idea and then I pay. I had a horrible husband before I met him and he is not that at all… but something isn’t sitting right here… everytime I raise it, I just don’t get anywhere so I have realised there is no point. Can you give me your views?

These responses and harsh words are making me laugh! I probably need to hear them. @Sassylovesbooksyou’re right. It’s a situation that’s kind of crept up on me and I woke up this morning thinking how has this happened.. I’m definitely not stupid. He does work and he does have his own home but it’s not your usual kind of home, he owns it and it doesn’t cost him anything monthly (I don’t want it to be outing) He just seems to have moved in and it’s happened so gradually, I’ve only just realised what’s happened.

I agree with all the other PP's, he's a user. How come he moved in without a discussion of paying his way?

First step is to stop cooking his food - if he's not paying because you keep on cooking, then there's an easy answer.

Next step, book a holiday for you and the kids without him.

In fact, I think he might end up quite controlling. Because he's blaming you for keeping on doing things when he refuses to pay his share, so he's making it your fault. That is extremely odd and gas-lighty, so best to get rid of him sooner rather than later

Do you?
How?

Oh dear… OP you have kids fgs. Just think of them would you?

I haven’t just adopted a grown man and I’m not being his mother. He cooks, he cleans, he’s not lazy at all, my home has never been as well maintained as it is now. He does the garden, he is kind, he does and says nice things to me. Just doesn’t pay towards anything really… and it’s kind of happening more and more. At first he paid for the occasional food shop. A weekend away etc It’s all now stopped. This is my issue

Honestly, what a leech. He is a cheap user. Talking to him is pointless because this is what he is and he is utterly shameless. Get rid. Reduce your bills and reclaim your dignity. There are lots of holidays for single people or go with a friend or go on a family holiday with the money and time you are no longer wasting on this man. You have been extremely long suffering - most women would have slung him out months ago.

You have children FGS!!!!! For once just prioritise them. This is insane

Have the conversation with him, tell him you need the extra money in one way or another.

I'm guessing this is the first man to show you 'kindness'....your standards are really low.

Get him out. An adult who contributes nothing in terms of finance?

Why shouldn't he have housing and bills costs the same as all of us?

This is an awful example to set to your children. Mowing the lawn is not a contribution.

Of course I prioritise my children. They are very happy kids. I am probably in a funny situation as I have a good job and a good standard of living without him. I am happy to travel alone, in fact I’ve taken the kids all over the world before I met him. As I say, it’s crept up on me, I’m a kind and generous person. No need for too many of the harsh words, I realise I’ve been a bit silly.

Does he have kids?

All the extra money on food, electric, holidays etc could be used on your children.
He's not that stupid op and knows exactly what he's doing!
Tell him he must eat before he comes over and no more staying the night. He sounds mean and greedy playing a part to con his way to a freebee lifestyle! If you need a holiday go with a friend

1 year dating and you have already moved him in. Great

He has a home he owns and which costs him nothing?! And he still won’t pay for anything in your house, where he essentially lives?

I don’t care how much DIY he does: he’s a cunt.

Also moving in by stealth after less than a year when you’ve got kids? Bad, bad idea.

He's shown you what he's like. Believe him.

You'll be better off without him.
Emotional and economically.

Holy drip feed batman, please ignore my earlier replies, as I assumed he was homeless/living with parents/couch surfing.
Now we know this isn't the case, the solution should be obvious.

He's not a good guy.

He's being nice so his free ride doesn't end.

He's a cocklodger.

You say he's moved in but that he says "he doesn’t ask to eat my dinners and he wouldn’t have them unless I offered". Er, what are you supposed to do - eat your meals in front of him without offering him food?

Is he renting his home out while he's at yours? If he is, I'd expect him to pay his proportionate share of the bills, so if you have 2 kids he should pay 1/4th if you have 3 kids he's should pay 1/5th ) + 50% of the rent that he's getting for his home.

If he's not renting his home out, I'd expect the above contribution towards food and a contribution (20%?) towards utilities - as presumably he's still having to pay council tax, gas/electric (albeit maybe not much more than the standing order).

Holidays - he needs to pay his way or he doesn't come.

50% of all your current bills including food and mortgage minus small % for your kids. Google/ ChatGPT the legality of what to call it ie can it be called rent and him have no claims on your property. You may wish to implement a contract to state it is to cover lodgings, electricity, gas and food only. Make sure you protect yourself and your property.

Currently you have a 100% cocklodger.

Ugh no. When me and hubster were dating then i would host in my flat and pay and he would host in good flat and pay. And we were generally equal about it. Thank you. Next.

You had a horrible husband and now have a horrible b'friend.
Cock Lodger of the highest Order! Nice bloke or not, he's using you

Oh dear, he saw you coming, sorry to say. He's a perfect example of a cocklodger.
Stop funding his soft life and see if he sticks around.

He also gets upset when asked to pay his share of a holiday and says you basically force food on him in the form of dinner so he doesn't have to pay. He can be great around the house and also be Scroogey mcScrooge when it comes to his own money and resources. You know he's using you.

Just tell him you'd like him to start contributing to the living costs and if he has a problem with it tell him it's not really going to work for you.