Another inheritance one!

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My DM died earlier this year, my sole surviving parent at the age of 99.

Me and my brother are likely to receive an inheritance sometime soon of @ £170k. My three adult children (who all have average paying jobs and all rent) have already approached me saying they’re expecting £40k each from me. The way they approached it has shocked and saddened me - of course I was going to give them something but I was thinking more of £10k each to put into an ISA or as a house deposit with their respective partners.

I still have £34k on my mortgage and a few other debts to clear and I pointed this out to them but they said this is down to me and I should have managed my money better, in fact they’ve picked apart all my financial decisions throughout their lives, when all I’ve tried to do is provide for them as a single mother. I helped them with cars and took them on holidays right up until a few years ago, even paying for their partners. I’ve given them money when I’ve had bonuses etc but I’m not a particularly high earner.

Now two of them have refused to speak to me, I’m finding this so upsetting. Am I right to want to clear my own debts and gift them the token £10k? How do I resolve this?

YABU = give them what they are asking for
YANBU = clear your own debts first

Why on earth have your put speech marks around a totally incorrect statement that OP told her children that she would split her inheritance with them?

OP has already responded to your nonsense earlier in the thread when she responded to you with the following:

'Not correct. I never said I would be ‘splitting’ it with them. I said something but no figures were mentioned.'

Are you so invested in making OP the bad guy that you are willing to keep lying about what OP has actually said? OP told her children that she would give them something, and she planned to give them £10k each, which is still a generous amount considering that OP needs to pay off her mortgage and she is approaching retirement age.

And again you have made stuff up to make OP the villain and her adult children the victims.

OP never told her children that she would split it equally with them. OP has said:

'I have always said I would give them something though I stressed the need to make myself financially secure first'

Her planned gifts of £10k each is 'giving them something' and most adult children in this scenario would be grateful.

My mother died at the beginning of the year.
There’s me, and my 3 siblings (3 of us have 2 children each)
My mother had previously decided that the inheritance would be split 4 ways (25% to each of her children)
Otherwise the sibling who doesn’t have children (the child died) would get a smaller amount, while each of the 3 other children’s families would get 3 times the amount.
We can then decide to give our children a gift (but it is a choice)
It is very generous of you to give your children £10k.
In turn, they will inherit from you - but inheritance is a privilege, not a right!
Go and enjoy your money.
I wish my mother had enjoyed her money more, rather than it being left to us.

OP isn't a villain. But once you add in the crucial piece of information that she omitted from the OP, that she told them she'd be gifting them money out of an inheritance she's getting, she's definitely not the victim she tried to originally portray herself as.

They don't expect any of nans inheritance. They wouldn't be expecting anything from OP if she hasn't gone out of her way to tell them they would be. They simply expect the gift their mother told them she would be making to them. And why wouldn't they? That's not grabby and entitled. That's believing their mother.

The issue here is that all three of them have got the wrong end of the stick about the amount she is gifting. As PP says, for all 3 to think it, is unlikely down to "collusion" as per OP, but more like the way she delivered the information made them think that. Whether intentional or not.

Oh FFS there’s a big difference between OP saying she’d drop her kids a few quid and them coming up with expecting 40k each.
It is diabolical. Most parents want to share something and be generous but it’s what they have said to her which is beyond the pale.
She’s not the victim she portrayed herself as?
I despair on here at times.

Do you not think OP first suggested she'd been left money, then her kids had just rocked up and announced this was how much of her inheritance they should get?

Leading to 500 replies of "horrible grabby bastards." Which yes, on that information, it would seem so.

Then OP drops in "oh, I did tell them I'd share it with them beforehand."

Which totally changes the context.

She says she didn't say how much. Well I suppose you don't know what you're getting at that point. But whatever was said, all three of the people she said it to have misunderstood. That's the discussion point. Not how dare these horrible children think they have an entitlement to their nans inheritance money. They only have an expectation because their mother gave them one.

It’s the personal comments they made to her about how she’s managed her life which I find offensive. And when someone has just lost their own parent you offer them a bit of grace.
It was not their job to calculate.
Share could have meant 1k each.
I do think they are a bunch of grabby bastards. They couldn’t wait for a figure from OP they went to her with one. Appalling.

I think a bit more about the context. She's either raised all 3 of her children to be awful...or there's something else going on here.

If you thought you were getting £40k and then it turned out to be £10k, the natural instinct isn't to yell at the person who's voluntarily gifting you that, how they are shit with money and always have been.

You'd ask why it was no longer £40k. Have a discussion about how that number had been so miscommunicated. Yes, maybe get angry because you'd banked on your mother's word and made life decisions based on what she'd led you to believe.

OP has gone very quiet on that. With the only suggestion that they colluded the same figure between them. Because no one gets mad at being given £10k. And yet all three of the people involved are angry.

It just doesn't sit right. There's something else going on here. It would be weird for one child to act like that, but all 3?

I wonder whether you used the term "shared" when you talked about giving them some and they've assumed it will be equal shares.
They've clearly talked about it to come up with the same amount, so it may be that when talking they've convinced themselves that you did say it would be shared equally, and they think they're being "really kind" to give you the extra £10k (or their maths isn't up to dividing 170 by 4). I suspect then, when you said to the first one that you weren't sharing it equally, they've gone back to the others and said in indignation something along the lines of "but she said she would..." and that's why the others have come to you, hoping that she was wrong/you might do what they thought you had said.

I can see how this could happen, without them being entitled. "of course I'll share it with you" in your head being "I'll give you some to give you a nice holiday or a new car" and in their head being "we will divide it four ways".

However insisting on it, whereas I can see that they would be disappointed, is entitled. I'd sit mine down and say something along the lines of
"I'm sorry if I gave you the impression that I could afford to divide it equally. That isn't what I meant - I've used money that I could have used to pay off my mortgage and other debts in supporting you <insert examples where you gave them money, in their adult life for something that they would have been grateful at the time, hopefully you have an example for each of them.>
I will be sharing some of the money, but it won't be £40k. I will let you know when I've sorted out the debts etc"
You can add that you're sad that granny's death seems to have just meant a payout to them, but I think that might be a bit much.

And I'd be tempted to keep a record. Every time any of them mentions it to you again in at all a grasping/waiting sort of way, then knock another £1k off

I've told my 2 DD I will give them an amount from my pension lump sum when I retire in a few years. I can 100% guarantee they will not be expecting me to "split it". God there are some mean girls are MN who are just determined to be bitches and lay into OPs.

Honestly this us shocking. Don't give tyem.the £10k either- they won't be grateful or satisfied. By all means put it aside for them but don't reward terrible behaviour. Well done for your sacrifices in bringing them up.- now is the time to secure your own future and do things that bring you joy. I'm sorry you can't share that with your children like you wanted to be able to.

How are you doing op? I think you have one child being less mean than the other two, what have they said?

THIS.
Tell them to wind it in and grow up.
You were going to give them 10 grand (personally, more fool you) Now that gesture is definitely off the cards. And unless an apology is forthcoming so will any future inheritance, (And really really mean it)
Of course they will change unless they are thick morons.

The money was gifted to you, and you alone by your Mother to make things easier for you. What you then choose to do with it is none of their f**king business.

🌹Enjoy your inheritance. 💐

Yep, this is what makes all the sense.

OP sets the scene as:

My three adult children have already approached me saying they’re expecting £40k each from me. The way they approached it has shocked and saddened me - of course I was going to give them something but I was thinking more of £10k each to put into an ISA or as a house deposit with their respective partners.

As if Nan has died and her three kids have approached her out of the blue, entitled to the contents of a will that was meant for OP. That's quite the misrepresentation.

Then she drip feeds that she has always said she'd share it. No specified amount. Well, there can't be, OP has no idea what she's going to get until it happens. The kids certainly have received the information as they'll get equal shares, and I agree, on that basis have upped mums share to £50k to be "kind," when they find out the total is £170k.

Only OP deep down knows if she's led them to think it's equal shares. But their reactions suggest they have made decisions based on receiving that amount, so it isn't something they've flippantly guessed. I don't think they come across as entitled. I think they come across as fuming after being, in their minds, misled. And after seeing how OP first describes the situation, I can see how that is very possible.

She then goes on to say they've colluded against her and they're all just like their father.

Hmmm. Always two sides.

YANBU
This money was left for you not them clear your debts and enjoy the rest on what you want. I’ve always told my parents I’d rather them enjoy their money on themselves and have no inheritance.For two of them to cut ties with you is shocking stick to your original plan if there not happy with it don’t bother giving it atoll you haven’t done anything wrong and as for them saying you needed to manage your money better well maybe they should manage there’s better then they wouldn’t be demanding 40k!!

I’m sorry for your loss

Wanting and getting are 2 different things and they most definitely wouldn't be getting with that selfish attitude.

They didn't want an inheritance that wasn't theirs.
They didn't think they were entitled to anything.

Their mother made all 3 of them think she was gifting them a particular level of money at some point. That has turned out not to be the case.

How the goalposts have moved to the point that all 3 of her children have somehow misunderstood, only OP knows.

But all 3 children are angry about it, one extremely (had they potentially made a decision based on the money they thought they had been promised and will now be in difficulty?) and OP puts this down to collusion and that they are all like their father.

Maybe that's the case. Maybe she's far more accountable for this than she wants to admit.

OP did not say I am going to give three quarters of what I get to you, kids.
These kids will know their mum was hardly swimming in cash. I’d have thought it would be great to get 10k.
Why people are having a go at OP as if she’s being mean with her kids I’ve no bloody idea.
She has just lost her mum and the in the time after that you do often make emotional statements. Even if she’d said that l will give it all to you kids, it doesn’t take a genius to work out that’s not practical.
If you make decisions on any amount of money that is not actually in your bank account yet more fool you.
And getting personal in this way with your mum like this is awful. It is all about the money.

Your children have nothing to claim.

Except bad manners and unrealistic expectations.
As a single mother your only bad financial calls have been to spoil them and not make them pay their own way for holidays and treats. But that was your perogative. Just as it is your choice whether you give them nothing at all now. Let them wait for when they inherit, or not, and then judge themselves and their spending habits.

I speak from the perspective of a child who will be inheriting in the next 5 years or so. I wish I wasn't. I'd rather have my parents living for longer.

My DH and DC have said it's my call first as to what I do with the inheritance.

They are acting outrageously! Stand your ground, the money was left to you, not them. With the absolute cheek you have received from them, I wouldn’t want to give them anything.

I don't think she's being mean.

I do think she's not the victim she first tried to portray.

Somehow, all 3 of her children thought the money was being shared equally. Either 3 people have all independently got it identically wrong, or OP said, whether intentionally or not, something that made them think that.

I think if you haven't experienced this, and if you've got one of these in the family, it's hard to explain:

DM likes to over promise. E.g When eldest passed his driving test, his mate had passed a month prior and his parents got him a really flash 1yr old Audi. DS was regaling this "cool car" to DM (her and DF are millionaires btw) and she said knowingly "ho ho ho don't you worry, I'll be contributing to your car when you pass" and winked at him. Very clearly insinuating he should be expecting something quite special. I watched it. There was no misinterpretation. She was very nudge nudge wink wink. Bigging it up. He was so excited. Saving extra hard to cover the insurance on a significantly more expensive car that hadn't crossed his mind until she made him think that.

He passed his test and she offered £500 towards a car. Now. Had she offered nothing, he would have been thrilled. But just because she just can't help herself she built up his expectations to something grand then she let him down. She'd go all faux naive and say "I only said I'd contribute you know." He was really gutted. I don't know why she does it. It's really horrible when you're on the receiving end.

She would tell her you how her ungrateful grandson didn't seem appreciative of a £500 gift. She would lap up the sympathy for poor her, such a sweetheart giving five hundred pounds to be so mistreated by spoilt DS. Anyone else would be grateful for £500, right? So would DS in any other circumstance. And then to make out he's ungrateful and entitled?

This dynamic goes a long way to explain the reaction of the siblings to me. Especially when OP says they all collude against her, and says they are all just like their father, expecting something for nothing.

Don't know if that even makes sense, but tried to describe as best I can.

@Highlightagogo

This!!!

Why do they think it should all come to them?
don’t give them anything

Thanks @StockingsByTheFire it did make sense with the example.

@Highlightagogo is this something worth reflecting on? Sometimes we really don’t realise the impact of what/how we say stuff at times…. Seems they all got the wrong impression either way and ran with the idea. Is there a deeper pattern you can see? Maybe they’re all entitled vultures, or…? 🤷‍♀️