Another inheritance one!

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My DM died earlier this year, my sole surviving parent at the age of 99.

Me and my brother are likely to receive an inheritance sometime soon of @ £170k. My three adult children (who all have average paying jobs and all rent) have already approached me saying they’re expecting £40k each from me. The way they approached it has shocked and saddened me - of course I was going to give them something but I was thinking more of £10k each to put into an ISA or as a house deposit with their respective partners.

I still have £34k on my mortgage and a few other debts to clear and I pointed this out to them but they said this is down to me and I should have managed my money better, in fact they’ve picked apart all my financial decisions throughout their lives, when all I’ve tried to do is provide for them as a single mother. I helped them with cars and took them on holidays right up until a few years ago, even paying for their partners. I’ve given them money when I’ve had bonuses etc but I’m not a particularly high earner.

Now two of them have refused to speak to me, I’m finding this so upsetting. Am I right to want to clear my own debts and gift them the token £10k? How do I resolve this?

YABU = give them what they are asking for
YANBU = clear your own debts first

As soon as I read your kids WANT £40,000 each, my reply would be - two words, seven letters, three Fs, work out the other four letters!

if your mother wanted the grandchildren to have the money she would have made a will to that effect - I’m assuming she didn’t cos you and your brother are sharing the inheritance.

Pay your mortgage, pay your debts, and enjoy the rest of your life. When you leave they will probably get more than now!

As for them not talking to you - enjoy the peace!!

Entitled idiots. Tie any money you had planned for them up into trust for any grandchildren and miss your kids out entirely. How selfish and rude.

Id also book whatever your holiday if a lifetime is. On your own.

I'm going to echo everything that has already been said but awful behaviour from your children.

I expect my mum to sadly be in this position soon and I would never dare asking for a "cut". My grandma has explained how her Will divides things and its between her children, NOT grandchildren.

I'm sorry you have been put in this position.

Wow, you’ve done a great job raising these entitled brats!
First of all, as your mum was 99 I’m guessing you’re in your 70s and your DC are in their 40s. So, giving away a substantial part of your inheritance could impact you in the future should you need care. It would be seen as deprivation of assets.
In your situation, with a mortgage at your age, I would pay off the mortgage and do any maintenance jobs on your house that will future-proof it for your old age. I would gift my DC a small amount, maybe £5K each, and my DGC a small amount too, maybe £1K each. I would take a nice holiday then put the remainder into an ISA (£20K) and high interest savings account. Your DC should be ashamed of themselves!

I’m sorry for your loss.

Forgive my bluntness, but this is your late mum’s money we are talking about. It was she who chose to leave her estate to you and your brother. She did not choose to leave her estate to your 3 children. It was her right to leave her estate to whomsoever she wished (assuming you’re in the UK). Your children have absolutely no say in the matter.

Let this be a wake up call for you in so far as your future financial planning is concerned. You might want to consider taking independent financial and legal advice to protect yourself from them going forward.

@Highlightagogo My guess is that there is some back story here. Do they blame you for their shortcomings (lack of education so are now in low paid jobs where they can only rent etc.., or you’ve fritted away money in the past that could have been useful to them, or something else)?

How much do they do for you on a regular basis? They may strongly feel they put you first all the time (as you’re single) and now feel you’re in a position to give them a leg up but are choosing not to.

OP, you should definitely pay off your mortgage and debts first, then some away for retirement but then if you have money left you should help them out with getting on the property ladder.

If my adult children were renting I would give them as much as I possibly could. Infact, I’m currently giving 33% of my wages to my DS for Uni and will do for the next 4 years so that he comes out with minimum Uni debt. I’ll do the same for my DS2 when the time comes too. Less debt gives them every opportunity to save for house deposits. I’m hoping their Uni education gets them a good paying job so I don’t have to help with further costs down the road. But will do if they are struggling. Your adult children seem to be struggling financially if you’ve had to help with cars and holidays, so they are asking you out of desperation so it seems.

They are hurt that you won’t help them.

I’ve never seen a score of 100% YANBU - you have your answer.

Sorry for your loss.

If they were nicer people, yes I would give them something but as they are rude and entitled, definitely not, especially as they are not speaking to you..

If they are not named in the will you do what you like with it, and point that out to them.

My grandparents’ will gave each grandchild 3% of the estate (6 of us) and the rest was divided between their 3 children. Grandchildren received £9k each and we were all v grateful. My mum paid off her mortgage and has savings now - I’m thrilled for her.

How dare they. I’d give them nothing.

Wow I can just imagine my parents words if had said this!!
If I was you OP I would be changing my will and it would all be going to local animal charities run by volunteers who struggle day to day because the big charities dont want to help

I received an inheritance last year, smaller than yours, and gave each of my three adult children £10k each. They were very grateful for the gift and wouldn't have dreamed of asking for more.

Your adult children sound very mercenary and unkind. I'm sorry that they are being so horrible to you.

Wow. I think that's one of the most entitled things I've ever read. And manipulative if they're now not speaking to you. Madness.

I wasn't gifted anything out of mums inheritance. She paid for a few house things (flooring, landscaping ) which I'm making payment back for but she never said here's x amount to do as you please with . And my partners parents didn't give him or his brother's a penny piece out of theirs from a grandparent (45k ISH) not even meal out
She also never bought my husband a 40th present or card ..Really your children are very lucky .

You must be around 70 yourself. Are they pushing you to give it to them now so that they don't lose it in paying care home fees?

They would have a point, but not the way they're going about it!

They’d be getting the grand sum of fuck all if it were me. At most, book a holiday the other of the world and send them each a postcard! Grabby, greedy fuckers.

Maybe they won't now! I wouldn't normally advocate for a parent cutting off their adult children and removing them from their will but in OP's case, they are so grabby and entitled that I would leave my money elsewhere.

It sounds as though OP has been a kind and generous single parent to her children and it has all been thrown back in her face.

Firstly I’m sorry for your loss.
Secondly I’m so sorry for the upset and disappointment you must feel in your children.
I would be gutted if mine spoke to me like this. Their level of entitlement, greed and selfishness is staggering.
clear your debts when the time comes. Use the rest to make your life as comfortable as possible and don’t give them a penny. That’s the result of their behaviour.

Yes, this.

It reads like a final summary of the position you say you are in, with all of the contextual detail missing.

Who's made them think this inheritance was going to be split between them? They haven't got that out of nowhere.

Maybe one of them would think "ah mum's going to get her inheritance from nan, I wonder if she'll gift/loan me £xxk for a house deposit". But for all three to think they've got a predetermined amount of £40k? They've not plucked that out of thin air.

I don't believe three adult children who you have bought cars for (why? Unless you mean their first little run around at 17) and still pay for their holidays (again, why?) have all told you how useless you are with money. Have you frittered millions up the wall? You say you're not a high earner.

This just doesn't sound like the full picture.

I suspect that we're a similar age - either retired or coming up fast to retirement - so your priority has to be sorting out yourself for retirement. Which means having no mortgage or debts hanging over you. Once those have been taken care of, and you can be confident that you are going to be ok in retirement, then of course supporting your children would come next.

It's common for inheritance to either skip a generation or for grandchildren to receive a sizeable proportion, but that is the decision of the one who makes the will, and also because often the child has no mortgage and no debts, allows the grandchildren to receive the money when it's helpful to them, and reduces inheritance tax when the parent passes.

This is not the case for you. Your children are being grabby and unfair. Allow them to tantrum and focus on your own mental health.

They wouldn't if they were mine.

For them to demand specific sums just after your mothers death is unacceptable.
How old are you - and hows your pension plan? If you have been a single parent bringing up 3 kids and subbing them as adults how much have you saved for yourself and retirement? I would pay off your mortgage and debt and then let the rest of the money sit for a while in as high interest an account as I could, and make no big decisions until the dust settles and relationships reset.

I'm so sorry OP - how upsetting for you to be treated like this by your children.

I think you are being very generous giving them £10k each - I mean, I would probably do something similar, and would be so devastated to then be treated in the way you have been.

You must feel so hurt! Are they aware of the numbers? They are asking you for £120k and leaving you with £50k.

There might be tax or legal implications to giving away such a lot of money. You should check that first. My priority would be, paying off any debts including the mortgage. Reviewing my finances and plans, so that I would feel secure about the future. Then seeing what’s left.

They don’t sound like the kind of kids to look after you and prioritise you in old age, so I’d consider very carefully. It may make sense to take the opportunity to move to a future proof home- bungalow or something.