Another inheritance one!

[Highlightagogo]

My DM died earlier this year, my sole surviving parent at the age of 99.

Me and my brother are likely to receive an inheritance sometime soon of @ £170k. My three adult children (who all have average paying jobs and all rent) have already approached me saying they’re expecting £40k each from me. The way they approached it has shocked and saddened me - of course I was going to give them something but I was thinking more of £10k each to put into an ISA or as a house deposit with their respective partners.

I still have £34k on my mortgage and a few other debts to clear and I pointed this out to them but they said this is down to me and I should have managed my money better, in fact they’ve picked apart all my financial decisions throughout their lives, when all I’ve tried to do is provide for them as a single mother. I helped them with cars and took them on holidays right up until a few years ago, even paying for their partners. I’ve given them money when I’ve had bonuses etc but I’m not a particularly high earner.

Now two of them have refused to speak to me, I’m finding this so upsetting. Am I right to want to clear my own debts and gift them the token £10k? How do I resolve this?

YABU = give them what they are asking for
YANBU = clear your own debts first

This is awful, I wouldn’t give them a penny.

I never said they were entitled to it.

FTR I said that if they are in a tough financial situation with little or no opportunity for improvement, it's understandable why they might feel upset if they thought they were going to inherit a life changing sum, only to find out that they weren't.

In addition to what I wrote in my last post, I also think there are nearly always two sides to every story. Unless you hear both sides then there is always a chance there is some crucial information that is being left out.

Which has the higher probability, that 3 kids are teaming up to be unusually obnoxious and demand money that they have a questionable right to, or alternatively there is some piece of information missing here that puts their behaviour more in context ?

People are normally too keen to assume a scenario that allows them to engage in some raging rather than actually consider there may be two sides to every argument.

Which has the higher probability, that 3 kids are teaming up to be unusually obnoxious and demand money that they have a questionable right to, or alternatively there is some piece of information missing here that puts their behaviour more in context ?
People are normally too keen to assume a scenario that allows them to engage in some raging rather than actually consider there may be two sides to every argument.

Amen

Children shdnt ask. They deserve nothing. Pay off yr mortgage, immediately put £20k in an isa. Tell them uve done this and yr debts were more than u thought so there's nothing left. Are they coming for a nice meal out. Yr mum didn't leave them anything, she left it to u to make yr life abit easier. Leave it at that.

Unbelievable attitude. I am inclined to say throw them out. How dare they criticise your previous decisions. It's your money, if your mother wanted to include them she would have provided for them. If they are living in your house ask them to leave and mean it

Sounds as if you've given them far too much already judging by their reaction to your inheritence. They seem to regard what you have as theirs, very entitled. I would give them nothing until their attitude changes. A good indicator of how they regard you and their unrealistic expectations is the conversation you mentioned about your financial decisions. They do realise they are renting and paying somebody else's mortgage, whilst lecturing you, a homeowner, on how you should have made better choices. I hope you resolve this situation but if that means they walk away because their demands aren't being met, leave your inheritance to charity. They need to make their own way in life without taking money that you've worked for. You don't seem appreciated for what you've already done for them and now they're trying to bully you. Stand up to them, they need a dose of reality.

How b*dy entitled I'd not give them a penny after that conversation and rudeness and aggressive non contact from them. F them keep the cash its yours pay your debits off etc then save the rest or blow it on whatever you want.

They get your money when you die, simples. When did grandchildren start expecting inheritance "early". It's yours and they can bloody wait. If they don't speak to you because of it, they get nowt!

Disgraceful behaviour - send them this link and let them know what others think. I'd have been prepared to give them £5 or £10 k each but would not give them a penny now

OP has said that her children 32, 30 and 28 so very far from retirement age with plenty of time to get on the housing ladder. They have very rudely rejected the £10k that OP was going to give to them which would have been very helpful for them if they are saving for deposits.

Like hell I would give them anything! Cheeky, grabbing beggars, entitlement of the first order. If they had asked nicely for a token share, or if they had not asked at all, then maybe I would give them 10k, but honestly you owe them nothing Op.

I think this is appalling, inheritance can be very tricky, but in a case where the children inherit it’s straightforward. The will left money to the children and it your choice what you do with that money. Your children are be in being in my view entitled - I am sorry to be so blunt.

They are appallingly entitled. I’m not surprised you are shocked and disappointed by their behaviour.

In fact, I’d go out of my way to spend every single penny in the most enjoyable way (for you) possible just to ensure they never saw any of it.

we at 64 still rent ( for various reasons too long to mention - we have owned in the past) we won’t buy unless we inherit and even then may still not do so - my FIL is 87 , we may inherit well we may not - depends on various things - I would never at any point have put pressure on him -

If your mum had wanted her money to go to her grandchildren then she could have left it direct. That money is yours.

I am so sorry to hear about the entitlement your children believe they have to your DM’s estate.

My mum suddenly passed in 2024 and my children never expected anything, but my DM made provision for each of them to have a specific amount each, for which she saved until that figure was reached.

They were unaware of this but in the years before her passing, my DM had asked each grandchild if they wanted anything from her to remember her by.

My DS asked for her old trolly jack, which tickled my DM for months. and he was made up when he received it well before she passed. She just told him to take it and use it while she was still here to hear about what he did with it. Someone else chose one of her old gardening hats, and everyone else chose something unique that belonged to her from her house.

When Probate was completed, the grandchildren were astounded with what they received and did something to commemorate her, each in their own way, which made us so proud and knew we had brought them up correctly.

However, as my in-laws do not have much to leave, we have told them to what they have and enjoy their final years doing what they want together, while they are able.

My DC have said the same of me and my DH.

The point I’m trying to make is no one has the right to assume that upon death, they will be entitled to receive anything that the deceased had.

My parents didn’t have two pennies to rub together when they married in the late 1950’s. When their parent passed, they received nothing of monetary value.

My siblings and I expected the same of our parents, as we know how tough it was for them during the 1970’s and 80’s.

So, Highlightagogo, if you want your children to receive anything from your DM, you do what you feel is right. Give what you believe is reasonable - don’t listen to what they believe they should have. Or, keep it all yourself and tell them they may receive something when you die, as they’ve shown so little respect or thanks for what you have done for them up until now.

My Mum died aged 92 and left just over £100k. Our two adult kids were in the will and were given £10k each. They were happy with this and never even hinted that they should have received more. If I were you I'd give them what was in the will but not a penny more. Their attitudes are very unfortunate and sad.

@Highlightagogo
First let me say my deepest condolences followed swiftly by oh ffs!
You're a single parent who tried by the charmless brats you've got and now you're left an inheritance they expect the lions share of it because you were always "useless with money" and they constantly missed out they felt so they're now wanting what they feel they deserve from back then?
Well they can fuck right off!
The money was given to you by your mother who would have wanted you to have an easier/happier life than the one she saw you living
So keep it all for yourself
If they come back at you
I'd say unto them that
If the shoe was on the other foot
What would they honestly themselves have done?
Take family out of it and look at it objectively
They don't get a penny because they assumed it all.

Absolutely awful I feel so sorry for you and actually quite angry just reading this 😢

I am so sorry you are being treated this way and it must really hurt given all you have done for them as a single mum. To be honest they sound entitled and I’m shocked as I would never approach my mum and ask for £40k, I would also never have the lack of manner to do so at the same time as criticizing you and your decisions. How utterly upsetting and disrespectful. To be honest it sounds quite financially abusive. If I were you, I would pay your debt off and buy yourself a lovely holiday. They have plenty of years and therefore earning potential left. If you want to give them something, I would give them a few thousand each maximum. Surely the money eventually goes to them anyway once you are no longer here, they can wait for it.

Their behaviour is disgusting and grabby. Regardless of what you decide to do about the money, I think you should be very wary of ever entrusting them with your finances. Don't give them financial Power of Attorney or access to your bank accounts as they sound very likely to use your money for themselves as they feel entitled to it.

When their mother tells them, "when I get my inheritance from Nan I'm going to split it with you?" 🤷

She didn't. And the DC don't expect any inheritance from Nan.

OP of her own volition told her children that she would split what she received with them as a gift from her.

This isn't about an entitlement to inheritance that isn't theirs. That's almost a red herring.

This is a mother telling her children that when she comes into money (source sort of irrelevant) she'll split it with them as a gift from her. And it's all gone wrong from there.

It's just the same old boring "promise and blame" narcissistic game. They love using mumsnet to get a buzz from all the comments slating their terrible children.