Another inheritance one!

[Highlightagogo]

My DM died earlier this year, my sole surviving parent at the age of 99.

Me and my brother are likely to receive an inheritance sometime soon of @ £170k. My three adult children (who all have average paying jobs and all rent) have already approached me saying they’re expecting £40k each from me. The way they approached it has shocked and saddened me - of course I was going to give them something but I was thinking more of £10k each to put into an ISA or as a house deposit with their respective partners.

I still have £34k on my mortgage and a few other debts to clear and I pointed this out to them but they said this is down to me and I should have managed my money better, in fact they’ve picked apart all my financial decisions throughout their lives, when all I’ve tried to do is provide for them as a single mother. I helped them with cars and took them on holidays right up until a few years ago, even paying for their partners. I’ve given them money when I’ve had bonuses etc but I’m not a particularly high earner.

Now two of them have refused to speak to me, I’m finding this so upsetting. Am I right to want to clear my own debts and gift them the token £10k? How do I resolve this?

YABU = give them what they are asking for
YANBU = clear your own debts first

It's your inheritance, not theirs. You DM left it to you. Your DC need to grow up and realise that they cannot use you as a cash cow and that what you do with your money is your affair and not theirs. That said to them I would spend the inheritance on paying off the mortgage (or I might sell the house and buy something I liked better and not tell DC the address), go on a world cruise, spend every penny of the inheritance and leave anything remaining on my death to Battersea Dogs' Home (or similar - all such charities know how to fight relatives who object to being disinherited). What utter ingrates they are.

Do you think that they would make the same demands towards their DF in the same situation?

Seems like they were poisoned by their father's entitled attitude.

I'm really sorry OP. They're still youngish adults though, so there's hope that at least one of them will realise in time that this colluding (as you suspect) was wrong, and you can still grow a good relationship with them.

Op you told them you would share the money with them to help them with house deposits?

£10k wont be enough to get a mortgage. No wonder they are upset.

Its entitled to expect anything, and if you need it for yourself you cant give it away, but they were told. Thats why theyre upset.

That’s just awful OP. I’m sad for you that your kids think that way. Definitely pay off your mortgage and keep yourself a nice cushion to enable a comfortable life from now on.

I agree completely with @MyballsareSandy2015, @Highlightagogo - don’t give them a brass farthing!

That is absolutely shocking, entitled behaviour. And now two aren’t speaking to you so they are into emotional manipulation too.

If your DM wanted to leave anything for her grandchildren she would have done so; it is your inheritance and your DC can inherit from you - like what normally happens. Awful behaviour.

I’ve read all her posts and cannot see where she says that.

Your only contribution is to insult the OP?

Personally, I would will them each a token amount (so that they can't contest it), and gift the rest to my local animal charity.

This.

Entitled, rude brats. Don't give them anything. Picking apart your finances and saying you should make better decisions - have you picked apart their finances and critised their decisions?

@Highlightagogo I agree.
Mortgage first..
There is nothing to distribute until you have secured your own financial future.
If you've scrimped and scraped all your life, and i'm betting you've also spent quite a lot of time helping your DM, you should use this bonus to get make yourself debt free and comfortable.

Its not too early to plan ahead for your own old age and maybe do some of the things right now you have always wanted to do. book a great trip (for Christmas if they are still not speaking to you) and don't tell the hungry cuckoos) . . because lets face it.. they are not going to be helping you out with anything as they seem be take take take. And there is no rush to give anything atm.. They will just spend it and be back for more.

Ultimately, I suspect you won't want to go NC with your children, so I would just ignore the pleas for cash and tell them firmly in writing that you won't respond to blackmail or discuss your finances with them any further. And mean it. You can give them something later if they stop bossing you about and being so damn mean.

I’m sorry for your loss. 💐

I think £10k each is very generous, although I’d be tempted to give them nothing after their show of greedy, entitled behaviour. Clear off your own debt first and make sure you’re comfortable and set up for your future. Makes more sense to be financially secure yourself and then you’d be in a position to help your children in the future should they need it.

The fact they’re not speaking to you over this would be difficult for me to get over. Money really does bring out the worst in people sometimes. Especially when they’re fighting over someone else’s!

So sorry for you loss OP

I would not be giving them anything, they sound awful. This must be so upsetting for you, do not let them bully/blackmail you. I’d be reevaluating my own will too, if my adult children treated me like this.

totally agreeing with this reply 👍
I was actually only going to reply with the 1st 2 sentences…daft of me I know, but I’d completely forgotten the important gift tax likelihood.

Might OP’s children be able to bully their DF into parting with some of his ££££££’s?

Very sorry for your loss of your Mum💐

The youngest is 28. They've had plenty of time to save for a house deposit. I suspect OP has not raised a generation of savers though.

I agree. The children can take a running poke at a rolling doughnut, as they say!

This. They could have told op not to pay for their trips and partner's trips and told her they'd rather save it for them for later, instead they accepted tons of generosity and are now holding it against her.

You sound like a phenomenal and generous person OP, you should be proud of raising 3 kids by yourself, Im sorry about the loss of your Mom. It's time to priorotize yourself.

Why should you not get a full inheritance so that your kids can inherit twice assuming you would leave them something?

This isn’t normal behaviour, no one should rely on inheritance… get off their arse and work for it, anything else is a bonus.

I’d enjoy your own life and give them nothing.

Yes saying you would be giving them something is quite different to them presuming it’s even splits all round

Absolute dickheads, please don’t give them a penny. Their entitlement is shocking. Please treat yourself to a nice holiday and a mummy makeover if you need one. THEY should’ve managed THEIR financial lives better.

YANBU.

At their ages, your financial decisions are not their business.

And commiserations on losing your mother. No matter how old or ill, your mother is your mother, and her death takes something of your childhood away - at least that's how I felt when my mother died at an old age. She left us all a nice nest egg, but I'd rather have her alive.

I'm so sorry you lost your mum. I hope you and your brother are still close.

I wouldn't give the children a penny now that they've said that. If you gave them £10,000 they would bitch to each other - and to you - about how mean you were. I honestly think some people are never happy unless the other person gives them more than they keep for themselves. If you gave them £40,000 they would still know you had £50,000 and would ask you for loans.

I hope they don't know the exact figure of your mortgage. I think it's pretty clear that these three are not going to be looking after you when you're older, so I'd pay off the mortgage and put some into your pension.

They will inherit from you. You inherited from your mum. That's the way it is. If they inherit from your mum and you, how is that fair?

Tell them nothing in future about money and don't give them a penny. I'd also book myself a Christmas trip on my own or with a friend, too, because I think they will use Christmas against you.

She didn’t suggest at all that she’d be giving them an amount that would cover a house deposit, or even “share” it with them. Just that she’d “give them something”.

The fact that they decided to interpret it as to share the money evenly or “split” it is their look out - they had no reason to think this!

You are right to make yourself financially secure before sharing with anyone. Pay off your debts and mortgage, add to your pension, get anything done to your home that’s needed, have a great holiday. Then consider sharing.
But if it were me I’d tell them they won’t be getting a penny until they apologise and start treating you with respect. Greedy sods.
Sorry for the loss of your mum.