Another inheritance one!

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My DM died earlier this year, my sole surviving parent at the age of 99.

Me and my brother are likely to receive an inheritance sometime soon of @ £170k. My three adult children (who all have average paying jobs and all rent) have already approached me saying they’re expecting £40k each from me. The way they approached it has shocked and saddened me - of course I was going to give them something but I was thinking more of £10k each to put into an ISA or as a house deposit with their respective partners.

I still have £34k on my mortgage and a few other debts to clear and I pointed this out to them but they said this is down to me and I should have managed my money better, in fact they’ve picked apart all my financial decisions throughout their lives, when all I’ve tried to do is provide for them as a single mother. I helped them with cars and took them on holidays right up until a few years ago, even paying for their partners. I’ve given them money when I’ve had bonuses etc but I’m not a particularly high earner.

Now two of them have refused to speak to me, I’m finding this so upsetting. Am I right to want to clear my own debts and gift them the token £10k? How do I resolve this?

YABU = give them what they are asking for
YANBU = clear your own debts first

They were greedy. It sounds as though the OP has always put them first and they thought that would apply to her inheritance, too. It doesn't sound like they'd be happy to share an inheritance they got with her, though.

OP, did they independently spend much time with your mum? Not that it should make a difference but given the circumstances I doubt they did.

Very distasteful on their part. It feels quite unusual that all your children would have this unique view, is there any more context to this situation?

I’d be thinking about keeping ALL the money personally.

To be perfectly honest, with their entitled attitudes, I'd not give them a penny, and I wouldn't leave them a penny when you die either.

I cannot stand entitled grabby fuckers like this. How fucking dare they.

To pick over your finances when they themselves are in average jobs and haven't managed to buy themselves homes, they're fucking hypocrites.

You clear your mortgage, your debts, then know that what's left is there for your retirement.

If they want to go NC with you over it - that says a hell of a lot more about them than you.

No wonder you're shocked and disappointed in them, I'd be ashamed of them.

No-one is entitled to any inheritance, and you are completely right to look after yourself first. Particularly as with the selfish attitudes they are displaying, it seems unlikely they would help you if needed in the future.

Absolutely ensure your own financial security, and only then gift what is affordable, if anything

My sibling and I are gainfully employed, educated and housed adults with the ability to look after ourselves and take financial responsibility for ourselves.

But what if you weren't ?

The thing is, costs of things these days is really expensive, especially housing.

If you are in below average/low wage jobs getting on the housing ladder is really difficult.

Not everyone has the capability to earn a fortune, or lives in an affordable area.

My guess is that the OPs children are about 50 years old if her mother died at 99. They are probably at the age where they are starting to think about their own retirement.

They have had enough time to see how difficult life is, and are in rented accommodation. My guess is they have figured out by now that inheritance is/was their last chance ticket to a better lifestyle. And that expectation has now been crushed. At least for the foreseeable future, unless they expect to inherit from other family members.

There are an increasing amount of threads on here about inheritances. Why ? Because in todays world it's becoming increasingly difficult to have a lifestyle without one.

It's easy to say ah well, look how entitled they are, from a position of having a great job, house and your own significant inheritance. When it is your hopes and expectations being crushed though it's a different issue.

I don't think here that the children have been well behaved, especially when you consider they are quite old themselves (you might expect differently from younger kids) but I think it's reasonable to question whether they were always made properly aware of the situation and that their expectations were properly managed. There is maybe a lesson in there.

I hope over time the children can overcome their disappointment and realise they are being unreasonable and that both parties can have a good relationship going forwards.

I don't see that estrangement and anger leaving all your money to charity as some people have suggested is a positive outcome for either side.

The actual gall of them all.

I'd be very tempted to have a go back at them at this stage . How dare they give you the silent treatment over this? you should be appalled by them, not the other way round.

I would write to them all, whatsapp message, email , post - however you want to do it explaining explicitly that

A. The past has nothing to do with the present.

B. At their ages if they are not financially solvent, it is not your fault or responsibility to make them so.

c. You are disgusted at their entitled , greedy attitude. You can agree with them that you obviously haven't done a great job of raising them if this is their character as adults.

D. The money was left to you, as yours will be left to them. You have a mortgage to pay off, holidays to go on. You were going to give them all an equal, generous amount but that won't be happening now.

E. They can carry on their silent treatment or apologise, the choice is theirs, but you will not forget how they have treated you.

It's funny, in this era where everyone is skint due to the cost of living, a chance at an amount of money that would make a significant difference to your life does strange things to people.

I've just put my parent into a care home following a stroke, and waved goodbye to over £100k in heritance as it will go to their care. It's a horrible way to look at it, but it's true. I would never actively hold this against anyone though.

I think they are have taken for granted that op is generous, sometimes adult kids struggle to realize their mom is an independent person and not just their fountain of generosity. But really it's simple selfishness. If they continue to choose to make the relationship contingent upon money that's obviously very sad. I hope at least some of them come around.

I got to them saying it was your fault that you hadn't planned better and said aloud 'Oh my shitting God.' I am supposed to be a Christian too.

OK I know you've given birth to these people, but you've obviously been way too compliant with them throughout their lives, and you need to stand up for yourself. If it helps, I doubt they even see you much as a mum; more as a vessel or object. They cannot have much affection or respect for you to have said that and you NEED to push back, or go to your grave forever thinking that one day they'll be there for you as you were for them. They won't. Once you cease to be useful you'll be a burden, and they'll pass you around or try to offhand you at the lowest cost to themselves. For your own self respect, cut the lot of them out and don't back down. By all means (as I am supposed to be a Christian), forgive them and have faith in their potential to redeem themselves, but don't feel obliged to give anything more of yourself, materially.

Have they always been grabby, entitled little cunts?

Wow! Don’t give them a penny OP and they can wait until you’re gone to get their grabby paws on it.

Honestly, it’s not that much money and you should pay off your mortgage first then look at any home improvements that need doing. Make your home your comfy sanctuary.

Next look at investing in an ISA and make sure you’ve got enough in savings to last especially as your mum was 99 when she died. Hopefully, that means you’ve still got a good few years left in you.

That money will ensure that you don’t live on the breadline and can afford nice holidays and decent care as you grow older. Best of luck. 🤞

Their sense of entitlement is horrifying. They'd be getting nothing from me. Enjoy YOUR inheritance, OP!

Oh OP this is so demoralising. Ask them if they'll be looking after you in your old age. If not, they should understand how you need to make sure you're ok first and they'll get whatever is left.

This is awful. I was always grateful that my parents were responsible enough with THEIR money (including any inheritances they received) that they could look after themselves in retirement. They have much longer to work than you do so you need to make sure you are financially secure. I'm really sorry OP that must be so hurtful. I think that is the only thing I would communicate with them at this time. I wouldn't be giving them any money at least not for now

Jesus, what a bunch of entitled shits. I’d be tempted to give them bugger all now!

The OP has said that they are late 20s/early 30s.

They should be grateful for anything. If they are not going to be happy with the 10K each you might as well keep it for yourself since some are not speaking to you anyway.

Slightly intrigued as to how they framed that demand
“Now Grandmas passed away and we have a rough idea of your inheritance, we’re expecting £40 000 each”
How bloody dare they?! Surely there has been an inkling that they are very entitled before… I would have replied that you may be “expecting 40 000 but you won’t be getting it”
The mind boggles at just what they are thinking. You need to settle any debts you have first, put some aside for a rainy day and then see what is left and split it three ways if you want to gift them something.
Tell them they are young enough to get to where they want to go through their own sheer hard work and determination.
Condolences on the loss of your Mum 💐

Then tell them to ask their father for the 40k each. He must have saved loads if he didn’t give them anything over the years. I wouldn’t dare ask my mother for money like that. One of your children must be the ringleader, tackle them and the rest will crumble.

So out of £170k they get £120k and you get £50k. You’ve raised them as a single mother. If they wanted a house deposit maybe they should have saved for it?

I wouldn't be giving them anything!!

It was hugely generous of you to consider passing on 10k each and the only reasonable response to 'we expect' is to revise that sum to zero.

They have no legal or moral claim to your inheritance and their demands suggests they aren't fully formed adults. Enjoy the silence and enjoy spending your inheritance, on yourself. Think of it as a growth opportunity for them.

Your kids are CFs and should be ashamed of themselves

You see a lot of posts about "boomer" hate from younger people, but if they're speaking to you like that, give them nothing.