Another inheritance one!

[Highlightagogo]

My DM died earlier this year, my sole surviving parent at the age of 99.

Me and my brother are likely to receive an inheritance sometime soon of @ £170k. My three adult children (who all have average paying jobs and all rent) have already approached me saying they’re expecting £40k each from me. The way they approached it has shocked and saddened me - of course I was going to give them something but I was thinking more of £10k each to put into an ISA or as a house deposit with their respective partners.

I still have £34k on my mortgage and a few other debts to clear and I pointed this out to them but they said this is down to me and I should have managed my money better, in fact they’ve picked apart all my financial decisions throughout their lives, when all I’ve tried to do is provide for them as a single mother. I helped them with cars and took them on holidays right up until a few years ago, even paying for their partners. I’ve given them money when I’ve had bonuses etc but I’m not a particularly high earner.

Now two of them have refused to speak to me, I’m finding this so upsetting. Am I right to want to clear my own debts and gift them the token £10k? How do I resolve this?

YABU = give them what they are asking for
YANBU = clear your own debts first

Want doesn't get - they are being CFs and are completely out of order. If I were in your place I'd not give them anything after that stunt and make sure that I spend every single penny of it.

They have no right to this money and i find it incredibly rude to ask for that amount. Even if you were planning on giving them something, after this i would give them nothing. Sort out your debts and treat yourself to a nice holiday on your own.

I dont know who they think they are telling you what they expect you to do with your money (give it to them)

Before you even touch on how awful it is theyre treating their grandmas death like a windfall theyre entitled to

Want to know whats a stupid financial decision? Giving away money you cant afford when you have debt.

Honestly I wouldnt be giving anything to the 2 ignoring me, I wouldnt buy their love or attention. Really how fucking dare they not speak to you because you are giving them 10k and they want 4 times as much.

Dont try and buy their love

It’s your retirement you need it for. Tell them they won’t get anything if they don’t change their attitude, then see how you feel later on.

I think I'd spend it on a round the world cruise before I gave them any. And booze, and gigolos.

I'd just squander the rest.

Vile kids. Answer is NO. Pay of your mortgage and debts, enjoy a bit, save the rest.

I’ve read the whole thread OP and there’s been a good amount of advice.

I am so sorry for the loss of your Mum, I still have my Mum and I can’t begin how I would feel losing her, please accept my deepest condolences. The grief and pain you are feeling at such an emotional time must be huge and then you have this situation with your childrens expectations over what they are expecting to get out of it.

I find it interesting that your DM didn’t leave your children anything in her will and I’m assuming this was the case. Did your children visit their grandmother a lot in the care home or enrich her life in any way? Did they help with their grandmother before she went into the care home? Are they expecting money for reasons like this, like they expect to be almost paid in return?

OP, your children are greedy and entitled. I know it is hard reading comments like this but it is true. No one has the right to stick their hand out and expect money to land in it.
From the information you have provided, as a single parent you have given your children A LOT already. You’ve done your best, you’ve been generous, they are lucky to have you.

But I don’t think giving them money to almost buy their contact back is the right decision here. The money from DM was left to you and your brother, don’t feel pressured at all into handing over £40k to each of your children. The way I am feeling right now about how they have treated you makes me think you shouldn’t even give them £400 each!

Your children all have jobs and their own lives, you pay your mortgage off and put money away for your own future and wellbeing. That’s not being selfish or miserly, it’s about respecting your DM’s wishes and what she wanted you and your brother to have. Don’t be browbeaten into something just out of their bullying tactics. Stay strong.

Im sorry you are under so much stress and pressure from your adult children .
They sound entitled. The money was left to you by your mum and you can do with it as you see fit.
I understand why you may want to share something with them after you have made sure you are secure but their demands are shocking and the ones not speaking to you because you wont give them want they want are abusive bullies.
Im afraid the ones not speaking to you to pressure you need to be told to stop the emotional blackmail.

This is awful, I'm so sorry for you. I would tell them they're getting nothing now, pay off your mortgage and go off and see the world!

Not behaving like that, they wouldn't. I'd give it to the dogs home. I would keep my distance for now and refuse to discuss it further. They sound like total little shits tbh.

Clear the mortgage, make any large purchases you need to make, put a chunk into longer term savings for your future, and spend the rest of it on having fun and toasting your late mum.

I am all for giving (some) money to your kids when they need it and not making them wait until you die, but they are being really cheeky and grasping.

I never demanded money from my parents when my GPs died, but also never had the conversation that @Highlightagogo seens to have had about promising some money. How did this even one about? “When grandma carks it, I’m going to share some of my inheritance with you”? NEVER promise ANY inheritance to ANYONE . Not even a small percentage of it.

And negotiating your reasons/mortgage is a recipe for disaster too. The message should always be that our generation will inherit from out parents (if there’s any left after care home fees), and our children will inherit from us (if there’s any left after care home fees). No negotiations about why you should be allowed to keep your own inheritance.

Change your plans - give them nothing at all now and change your will, do not include any of them at all. Will it to grandchildren or the local dogs home. And tell them what you have done and why.

Now two of them have refused to speak to me

well that is a result, they've shot themselves in the foot then as £0 it is if they behave like this when they don't get their own way

How did they come up with 40k and why do they think they are entitled to it. Surely that’s for you to decide.

id put money on the young two being the children not talking to you

as an opposite scenario: my husband's grandmother passed away recently and left £50k each to him and his sister - him and his sister both independently decided to give £25k each to their father so he would have £50k himself to retire earlier!!!

your kids are unfortunately very selfish and im sorry :(

Errr they each get a big fat ZERO from you now!!!
How dare they approach you and tell you what they should get?! And to then emotionally blackmail you with the silent treatment? I think not!!! Entitled shits comes to mind.
They'll be lucky now if they get left anything from your Will the way they've behaved. I'd leave it all to charity now and enjoy spending as much as possible on myself in the meantime!

What nonsense. Your children are absolutely out of order OP. Tell them their inheritance is what you have already given them.

They are not entitled to anything. I'd give them nothing for having the audacity, even if I'd previously been considering giving them something. Maybe if they change their attitude, they will get an inheritance someday.......

I’d clear my mortgage and debts, set aside £30k as an emergency fund and then maybe share £50k between them. It’s nothing to do with them how you spend it.

Your children sound hateful...why are they like that

Please keep this money for yourself. I think they've shown you that you can't trust them to act in your best interests. Growing old is expensive and if you are going to live to 99 too I really advise you to find somewhere nice to do it in and not end up in a council run homeYour children aren't going to be there for you, are they?

They will get their inheritance when you die. I bet you didn't get anything from your grandparents.

I did a post yesterday on the thread "A hill you are prepared to die on" -
There are two Generation Es (Entitled) those born 1940 - 1955 and 1992 - 2000

Your children prove (as do 2 of my own) that my theory is 100% correct

"Dear offspring. I had already thought about and planned how I was going to help you with some of the money from my dear mother's estate. However, your behaviour in approaching me to demand that I give you the majority of my inheritance, has made me think again. Refusing to speak to me because I didn't immediately accept your demands had shown me that I am simply an ATM to you.
I plan to pay off my mortgage and other financial burdens, and will then plan what to do with the rest. I do not want or expect to hear another word from any of you, regarding my money"