Another inheritance one!

[Highlightagogo]

My DM died earlier this year, my sole surviving parent at the age of 99.

Me and my brother are likely to receive an inheritance sometime soon of @ £170k. My three adult children (who all have average paying jobs and all rent) have already approached me saying they’re expecting £40k each from me. The way they approached it has shocked and saddened me - of course I was going to give them something but I was thinking more of £10k each to put into an ISA or as a house deposit with their respective partners.

I still have £34k on my mortgage and a few other debts to clear and I pointed this out to them but they said this is down to me and I should have managed my money better, in fact they’ve picked apart all my financial decisions throughout their lives, when all I’ve tried to do is provide for them as a single mother. I helped them with cars and took them on holidays right up until a few years ago, even paying for their partners. I’ve given them money when I’ve had bonuses etc but I’m not a particularly high earner.

Now two of them have refused to speak to me, I’m finding this so upsetting. Am I right to want to clear my own debts and gift them the token £10k? How do I resolve this?

YABU = give them what they are asking for
YANBU = clear your own debts first

This Seems a little too grabby to be without further context . Unless all 3 genuinely believed you had promised them an equal share. Just to check op- your whole estate isn’t near the inheritance tax threshold is it? I have this issue in that when my mum dies I will inherit money that will put my assets over the threshold. If I give my kids the money later the 7 yr inheritance rule will apply. Howerever if I vary the will and leave the money direct to my children it is the most sensible option for the family as a whole. I suppose I’m just checking that nothing like this applies and your children aren’t trying to advise something you don’t understand? .If nothing like this applies , im really shocked at the brass neck entitlement of your family. I would tell them you are giving it to charity.

BTW - if you invested that £180k it would give you an income of 8k a year. Are you telling me that £8k a year couldn't make life considerably more comfortable for you?

Or if you are working now, retiring in 10 years you could save all the interest until then and get an income of £10.9k a year from it. Just putting it in tax free savings. I don't know what pension provision you have but it could make a big difference. Then when you die the kids can have all the capital and pay off their mortgages.

The CFs.

Sorry I know they're your kids, but they are behaving like AHs.

If it was my kids Id tell them to fuck themselves. How dare they criticise you. You brought them up, you did everything you could.

Enjoy the financial freedom of np mortgage and put the rest into an investment or your pension. They've burnt their boats imo.

How kind of them to let you have an extra 10k of the share! Absolute cheek.

You should tell them you were going to give them £10k but their entitled, selfish and sulky behaviour is making you think they don’t deserve anything. And tell them
if they continue to sulk you’ll be leaving everything in your will to charity.

Christ alive - beyond entitled!

Their attitude is appalling OP, I’d look at what you want to use it for and see what’s left, and frankly if it’s not much, then I’d tell them they will get left some money in your will, although I’d be tempted to leave it to charity

Agreed

I'd be giving them nothing and rewriting my will to bypass them entirely.

Don't give them a penny; whatever's left after paying off debts, invest it for retirement, because you can't rely on this shower for any help of any kind.

Your DC seem like the types who might try to take advantage of you if you get very old / frail / confused. I'd think very carefully about how to guard against it. I wouldn't let any of the kids have POA or be executors of your will. Pick family / friends (a fair bit younger, ideally) who have YOUR best interests at heart and are of unquestionable honesty.

I agree. It’s 6 months of take home salary for me!

Id be tempted to text them all 'You were all getting a 10k gift but as A&B aren't talking to me, C will be recieving 30k and you can argue about it amongst yourselves."

Then turn your phone off, piss off on a cruise & have an amazing time remembering your Mum.

As others have said, I hope this is a wind up as it's awful if not.

My dad has died this year, my children have been given fuck all. It’ll be added to my pot which they can share when I die. Until then I might need it (I am of course on hand in case they need my assistance but I’m yet to be called upon.

i would be livid and would honestly see this has huge cheeky fuckery. Entitled buggers!

Sounds like they just want you for your money.

Funny they think you make bad decisions but don't turn down a free holiday.

Tell them to go to hell.

Common sense says the likely course of events was OP telling kids that she would share with them. One of the kids has a wonky definition, like yourself, and didn’t understand that it does not necessarily mean an equal split. Then when kids speak at a later point, one says something about it and the other says ‘we are getting a quarter of granny’s estate as that’s what mum told me’ and then it becomes the ‘truth’ among the siblings when it was no such thing to start with.

It's pretty clear that they won't be supporting you if you need help in your later years. So I think you should tell them to ask their father for financial support as you need to keep the cash as a safety net.

I’d be giving all of them a trip on the shoe leather express (aka a boot up the …)

Maybe they looked up value of parents home on RM.

if you gave them the money theyre asking for you will be setting yourself up to have a very difficult relationship with them for the long term it will probably cause a lot of conflict and resentment- what happens if you become ill yourself for example and you have v little savings to support you?

How on earth are all three of them so entitled ? You’d expect at least one of them to think hang on a minute I’ll wait til I’m offered at the very least.

I would be making it very clear that it’s not for them to demand an amount and tell them to fuck off.

Surely you’re not giving any of them anything. And I would write your will to bypass them and go to grandchildren.

Shocking behaviour to the point I’m not sure I even believe it…for 3 of them it just seems that one of them should have had the decency to tell the others it is out of order.

I’m sitting here seething on your behalf. How dare they. Ideally you would tell them all to take a hike but it’s going to be hard to repair this one whatever you do. Do NOT give them the money they want, tell them they can fight over your carcass when you are gone, MIL died recently and we gave our adult kids $5k each (so £2,500) each out of about $180. They were so grateful. We offered another $1k each towards holidays they had planned. The two younger (lower earning) ones took it but our eldest declined, said it was our money.

OP I know they are your DCs and you love them, but demanding a set amount of YOUR inheritance is mercenary.

No you don't give them money before you make yourself financially secure.

Your mum left.the money to you she could have left it to them.of she wanted.

You keep the money clear your mortgage and ignore your children's criticism.

To be kinder to your children do they know the exact amount you inherited or are they imagining far more than you have? If they don't know I might be tempted to explain to them to see if they become more reasonable but you don't owe them that.

Inheritance is gift no one gets to demand what inheritance they receive. You are.doing.nothing.wrong by using the money to secure your financial future. I would simply tell them.its.not.upmfor.discussion.amd.move.the topic along if you/ they want to maintain good relations.

Yes, it could have happened like that.

The point is, OP is leading people to think they've just decided they should get something from their nans inheritance and are demanding it.

No. Take some accountability. You told them they'd be getting something, so why the faux victim act when they expect you to keep to your word?

If numbers weren't clarified, that's not a difficult thing to discuss. "Sorry, I'm not sure where you got £40k from, I was thinking more like £10k"...."Mum you said you'd split it between the 4 of us, is that not equal shares then, that's normally what it means?"..."oh, I see the confusion, no it's £10k each"

I think OP knows they had been led to think/assumed that it was going to be split 4 ways. I think she failed to correct that assumption, and now it's come to fruition, the kids are pissed off.

My DM is like this too. Likes the idea of being the "provider" and gets swept up in the moment, often over promising. Then when cards are on the table, she acts like you got the wrong end of the stick and becomes the victim. We're all used to it now.

I love the "brass farthing" expression, my widowed mum used to use it when struggling on her own financially when I was a child and I haven't heard it in years. Nearly all of our parents and grandparents who lived through the war years struggled financially, there were no generous benefits systems, no charity shops, no foodbanks, no minimum wage and no NHS until 1940s, people were proud, wore "hand me downs", filled "bottom drawers" for when they got married and often while married still lived with parents until they could afford a house. Very few people owned cars so walked everywhere or used public transport, and if they could possibly afford it went on local seaside holidays on a coach or by train staying at dingy boarding houses ran by strict landladies providing breakfast only and having a 10pm curfew and no food allowed in rooms. So it's this generation leaving their hard earned money and property, (assuming it hasn't been swallowed up by taxes and residential care) so it's understandable they want it to be appreciated and used wisely by their family members. So OP don't set yourself on fire to keep your nasty, ungrateful, entitled children warm, enjoy what your mum has left you, pay off your mortgage and have some holidays with friends who appreciate you. We all only have one life, you have worked hard as a single parent making sacrifices for your children, it is your time now so enjoy it. Don't allow them to make you feel guilty or mean, they will all need you before you need them!

I fully appreciate how much more expensive life has become for a lot of people, I am, after all, paying for it without the input of a partner/second salary.

I am also appalled at the lack of opportunity for young people in the UK right now. The UK was already in financial crisis when I graduated and started looking for work and I thought that was hard. However, between the rising number of graduates, extortionate student debt, stagnant wages, rising house prices, interest rate rises and inflation, not to mention AI literally consuming the entry-level jobs, I think that people in their 20s have it harder than I did.

In this case, the OP does not specify a reason that her DC would need any extra help, they may also be gainfully employed, educated and housed. She also indicates that she herself is still working and paying off a mortgage. I'd imagine that being a largely single parent put her at a financial disadvantage, and through this inheritance, she has an opportunity to gain more stability before retirement. Her needs are valid and should not be erased.

The DC presumably have time to progress in their careers, save up, pursue training if they wish to. They, like literally everyone, could do with a financial boost. However, that does NOT entitle them to a specified sum of their mum's inheritance. Nor does it entitle them to bring her own financial organisation into question, as if she didn't just spend 10-20-30 years supporting them as a single parent.