To think on balance my friend did it ‘right’?

[shedidithink]

When in sixth form, my friend had an unplanned pregnancy, went into a bit of denial and by the time it emerged she was definitely pregnant it was too late to terminate. I think she was about eight months pregnant at our mock A levels and deferred the real thing until the following year.

She then went on to have two more children (same dad, not that it matters) and so her family was complete by the time she was 25. At thirty, she went to university, trained as a teacher and has been working successfully and happily ever since. Her children are now 27, 25 and 21, have all finished university, she and her DH are 45 and tbh have had a great life.

I know it sounds like I’m bitter and I’m 100% not! Shes awesome. But I was thinking about the sneery comments she had at the time this morning (I posted a birthday card to her) and now I think how well it’s gone for her. I kind of wonder sometimes if it makes sense to have your kids really young. But then not many people are in a stable enough relationship then. But if you are … I don’t know, maybe it’s something that should be considered.

In one way I know what you mean. In another, I didn’t meet the man I wanted to have kids with until I was 35. Anyone prior to that would have been a disaster and I could have kissed any education plans goodbye until my mid thirties.

No, I was 38 when I met DH @PumpkinSeasonIsHere , so similar really. But I guess if I had met him at 18 then marrying and having kids would have been the last thing on my mind for that period in my life.

I suppose when you are 18 your mid forties seems so old but when you actually are mid forties it doesn’t really feel it!

It's great that it worked out for her, but she was very lucky that the boy she was sleeping with in the sixth form was apparently a decent guy, and ended up being someone she wanted to marry and raise a family with.

If I had got pregnant by any of my teenage boyfriends, I don't think my life would have turned out particularly happily.

That is the problem with doing things that way round - how many of us would want to spend the rest of our lives with someone we fancied at 16?

Your friend made a success of her life, even though I am sure at the time an unplanned pregnancy when she was so young was devastating.
Others don't have kids early, either through choice or circumstance, and make a huge success of their lives.
One size doesn't fit all.

I had my first baby at 20 and my last at 31 (4 kids) so im further along the journey than a lot of my peers who have toddlers etc.... what you are not seeing is the years of suffering, the lack of money when you are young and have kids, the lack of support available. Yes shes reaping the rewards now and good for her but its hardly plain sailing.

She also had no carefree youth, there is no getting that back. It’s such a fun stage in life where you can travel and do what you want with no responsibilities.. It worked out well for her but I doubt she would want the same for her kids if you asked her

Things worked out well for her but I wouldn’t have wanted dc that young despite meeting my DH young. I enjoyed the freedom of my youth, I think it’s hard to do that once dc are here. Plus now days life is so expensive & it’s easier to get on the housing ladder before dc etc.

I think she got lucky. I can’t imagine my relationship with my boyfriend at age 16 would have worked out. Most don’t and for good reason. And you would be tied to that person for a minimum of 18 years.

And honestly, they may have a lovely time now, but I wouldn’t swap my fun at uni and in my 20s (and thirties!) pre children for anything. I also spent the time building a successful career. By the time I decided to have a child, my job was (and remains) pretty much rock solid and well paid. No way I could have done the hours it took at the start alongside having young children. Not if I wanted to see the kids! And they now have financial security which may not bring happiness per se, but certainly makes life easier.

It’s impossible to say which is “better” because it is so fact specific. But on average it is better not to have a child as a teenager. I think that is fairly uncontroversial, despite it working out for some teenagers.

It’s subjective. To me, that would be wasting your twenties. I was with DH young enough to have done the same, but it wouldn’t have occurred to either of us as a good idea. People act on here as if it’s a clever idea to get your childbearing out of the way and your university/training/career later, but I don’t think it’s at all comparable. I wouldn’t have swapped the mind-expanding and friend-making aspect of university aged 18 and with no ties for anything, far less postgraduate studies in my 20s, and just deciding to up and move countries for an interesting opportunity, tutoring on film sets or working on an olive farm, in a way that would just not have been possible if I’d been older with children.

One of my friends just had a baby and another became a gran. A 😀

There are pro's and con's to both i suppose.

On one hand you if you have your kids young, by the time they're up and out, you're still young enough to do loads and enjoy yourslef but on the other hand doing all the crazy stuff when you're late teens is so much fun and great life experience.

Isn’t that kind of just having young kids though?

I know it is endlessly romanticised but in reality it’s absolutely gruelling and very expensive. I know I’m just starting to get real ‘enjoyment’ now my youngest is three! I do see that being very young is likely to mean things like more likely to have low paid work, living in poverty, etc. Equally though you’re more likely to have involved and willing family.

There's no right or wrong way. But I think having them a bit later gives you a better chance of "having ut all"

I had daughter young and it did hinder me in many ways.

I'd say your friend is the exception not the rule.

You're not at all unreasonable to think things really worked out well for your friend. But I wouldn't recommend everyone has three children with the boyfriend they meet at 16, and hopes for the best.

I guess it depends on so many factors, like you say - being with the right person young, having enough money to support yourself and the big one for me is maturity. I know I'd have been a totally different mum if I'd had children at her age and not for the better. I really grew in emotional maturity the older I got and my emotional regulation in my thirties onwards, compared to my teens and twenties is huge. I'm a pretty cool cucumber now, but I wasn't that way in my younger days. Knowing the pressures of motherhood, I think this would have resulted in less emotional stability for my kids.

Also, I'm your friends age and in the thick of parenting, but I don't feel sad about it. Your friend has loads of freedom now, but I had years of freedom before kids, so in theory neither are missing out, we’re just having our free years at different times in our lives.

I constantly wish I had my children younger. I got married young (and am still happily married) and was keen to start a family in my 20s. Unfortunately due to various problems it didn’t happen until I was in my 30s. Everything is fine but I really wish it happened earlier whilst I was still full of energy. I also think it’s a real bonus to be done with the main bulk of parenting once you are mid 40s.

I'm glad it worked out for her but she's the exception really. The vast majority of people don't go on to have kids and/or a long term relationship/marriage with the person they were shagging in 6th form/college/late high school for very good reason.

There's also something about having that freedom in your 20's that simply isn't there if children are also involved. I hope my DC can also experience that true freedom in their 20's and don't rush into serious relationships and DC of their own.

It worked out well for her. It's more likely it would have gone the other way but no guarantee that waiting until your 30s will work either.

She must have missed out on a lot of life in her 20s, and for most the cost of raising that family or putting the DC through uni would be much harder on the salaries we have earlier in life.

I had dc1 at 30, it felt a little late especially if you want more than one. Now that age seems to be becoming later and later, you'll get different issues no matter when you have your family.

@SouthLondonMum22 ’they were shagging’ - I mean, I did not stay with my sixth form or university boyfriends either but I wasn’t ‘shagging’ them in the way you put it, it was a relationship

@Purplepoison i wonder that. I would like to retrain but by the time it will be possible I’ll be in my mid fifties and barely seems worth it 😅

Most of the people that I know who had kids ‘young’ (i.e under 20) are still having kids now (early 30s) and so rather than benefiting from freedom at an earlier age than most, they just extend the period of time that they are dealing with young kids.

Interesting perspective. I guess nobody would recommend having kids at that age under those circumstances, but the way things have worked out for her does put paid to the sneerers.

Whilst your friend’s story worked out I can guess they had family support. If she had no one to mind baby then she wouldn’t have been able to stay in school to sit A levels.
No A levels she’d have needed to do an access course to go to uni.
Teacher training with 3 primary age kids is hard going. She needed a husband to financially support their family while she trained, car to get to placements, someone to pick kids up from school - if she was on placement an hour away.
My experience of people who were parents young, their dc often follow suit so they end up as Nana in 40s minding their grandchildren.

I suppose what’s interesting is at the time no one mentioned that actually there are some real positives to what she did. I do agree that for the most part we don’t seem to stay with boyfriends from that age, though thinking about it three of my friends all married university boyfriends.

(same dad, not that it matters)

I actually think that this matters a lot to the success your friend has made of her life. She was able to form a stable family unit and had a partner who was as committed to the children as she is and who was presumably happy to support everyone financially while your friend went to uni etc. Would she have managed this as a single mum or with a different partner who objected to supporting another man's children financially?

I agree that doing things this way can work brilliantly- not least having children young when you have lots of energy and are less likely to have difficulties conceiving. But it relies on finding the right partner very young and there being enough money, secure housing etc.

I've seen the exact opposite way this can play out.

Lots of us are too young to make sound relationships choices at this age. My sister ended up pregnant at that age. She went on to have a second child with the father and marry him. He was awful. I doubt she'd have persisted with the relationship if it weren't for the kids. They eventually split when the kids were late primary school age.

She's a fantastic mum and went to uni when they were little and got a good job. Unfortunately there's only so much you can do to mitigate having a drug addicted, emotionally abusive father. Both her kids are late 20s now but had loads of problems because of him. One still lives at home and is an endless source of worry, the other has moved out and had a child but she's had to provide a lot of support, alongside still needing to work full time herself.

She is far from living a free life at a young age unfortunately. That's the gamble you take having kids young in any circumstances I guess - they may need you for way beyond the age of 18 for various reasons. If you want to guarantee having kid and worry free fun, you're far better off doing it before your kids arrive than hoping to do it after.

You say: 'same dad, not that it matters' and I think that is the crux of the thing. It really really does matter.

She was lucky to find someone that was decent and that she wanted to stay with. If she had been a single mum with 3 different men roaming in and out of her kids' lives, the whole thing would not have turned out so well.