To think on balance my friend did it ‘right’?

[shedidithink]

When in sixth form, my friend had an unplanned pregnancy, went into a bit of denial and by the time it emerged she was definitely pregnant it was too late to terminate. I think she was about eight months pregnant at our mock A levels and deferred the real thing until the following year.

She then went on to have two more children (same dad, not that it matters) and so her family was complete by the time she was 25. At thirty, she went to university, trained as a teacher and has been working successfully and happily ever since. Her children are now 27, 25 and 21, have all finished university, she and her DH are 45 and tbh have had a great life.

I know it sounds like I’m bitter and I’m 100% not! Shes awesome. But I was thinking about the sneery comments she had at the time this morning (I posted a birthday card to her) and now I think how well it’s gone for her. I kind of wonder sometimes if it makes sense to have your kids really young. But then not many people are in a stable enough relationship then. But if you are … I don’t know, maybe it’s something that should be considered.

@ISpyNoPlumPie we’re probably saying similar things really. For me, my problem is I only really appreciated the freedom I had prior to children once I actually had children! A bit like when you have more than one child and then having only one seems incredibly easy it it wasn’t when you actually only had one! 😂

She was lucky everything turned out ok in the rest of her life. But maybe not just luck. Two sensible people got together and made the best of a situation they didn't choose.

I agree, also when I think of grandkids I’m likely to only be around for at most 20 years of their lives where as I had some of mine until my 40s.

I think it is useful if parents can impart their knowledge and experience on to their children in a mindful way. Practical skills, how the world works. Money management. Emotional intelligence. Relationships.

Im not sure many teens/people in their early twenties are best placed to do this.

How did she support herself financially in the early days?

That would be me.
Still having children in my 40's and my husband will please god be nearly 70 when our youngest has completed 5 years at university.
Madness I now believe.
Still having teens in your 60's, even great ones, is not for the faint hearted.

Another thread indirectly bashing older mothers.

Well that’s true! The only way to make having one child seem easy is to have another!!

I will only counter to say that I did enjoy my freedom at the time before I had children. Now that I have my children I love how they fill up my life. I don’t yearn to have my 20s back and I don’t miss it. Each decade, each age brings different challenges and joys. I only get to do this once, so I’m trying to appreciate all of the joy.

I’m bashing myself then - I had mine at 40 and 43!

Ah well, I completely disagree with that. My parents certainly weren’t wealthy. The most exotic holiday I ever went on with them was to the Isle of Wight!

I never had a gap year or spent my time trekking around the world.

My 20s, however, were a very different story. I worked incredibly hard on my career and partied even harder. Fridays and Saturdays were a glorious blur of carefree clubbing, all-nighters and unforgettable nights out with my mates.

We regularly went on two-week holidays to Ibiza in the 90/00s, all paid for with money we’d earned ourselves. That era of clubbing was, in my opinion, the absolute pinnacle. It was something truly special that has never been replicated since.

My entire 20s were utterly carefree and wonderful. And the reason they were so carefree wasn’t because I came from money or had been given some privileged head start in life. It was because I had no responsibilities towards anyone other than myself. I could work hard, play hard, sleep in, go out whenever I wanted and spend my weekends recovering without having to get up at the crack of dawn to look after a screaming baby. 👶

That’s the difference. It wasn’t about wealth or privilege. It was about being young, independent and answerable to nobody but yourself.

It's not so much that she did it 'right', it's more a case of things worked out for her despite the odds. There will be many teenagers with unplanned pregnancies where it didn't work out so well, where relationships fell apart, education suffered, family were unsupportive, the girl ended up alone, struggling to get by as a single monther on benefits or earning MW due to lack of opportunities, education and/or money.

Your mate has done well but statistically it is clear that the children of teenage parents do less well on average. I would absolutely not want to encourage my teenage daughters to follow that path personally.

The person I know who got pregnant in sixth form had a child with down syndrome. She will have no carefree life later.

I’m not 100% sure but remember this was very early 2000s so benefits were generous, even for people on reasonably good salaries. Then I know she worked for an insurance company when her DD was one. They have both always worked to be fair. Don’t want to accidentally identify her but she started a business almost by accident which also proved to be moderately successful. So they have done well.

And he was lucky to find her. We need to get away from the attitude of men doing women a big favour by being decent husbands and dads, it should be the norm.

I had my 1st at 15 (😳), 2nd at 18, 3rd at 21. Went to college etc through all that time and worked. I sat one exam 3 days after the birth of my 3rd and sat BF during our presentations. Then number 4 arrived at 25. I went to uni etc after her arrival. In my 30s I was diagnosed with a lifelong medical condition that has required many many hospital visits. So my career was halted. I then got my little surprise at 37…… and having them in my teens was so much easier!!!! So I can see why you would think she did it right! But there is no right time to have children. If the little surprise hadn’t appeared I’d have more or less be in the same position as your friend. I wouldn’t want my girls to do this though…. I think in these times is much better to be stable and financially secure, but shit (in nappies lol) does happen! Fair play to your friend!!!

That’s fair enough @SusieGIass and I appreciate the perspective as I’ve never been into clubbing at all.

Well done her! Seriously though, it's hard.

I'd have been a terrible mother at 18. I was shockingly self absorbed as most teenagers are.

I was barely ready at 30 and made a lot of mistakes in early years of parenthood which I cringe at now.

If biology wasn't an issue I reckon I'd have been the best new parent at 40.

I was thinking this but didn’t know how to word it. He was a bit of a dick at school tbh. I still reckon she tamed him!

Of course you can get it back. Well do all the travelling etc later and appreciate it more to boot

I’m an older mother and I’m not feeling bashed! I think it’s an interesting discussion. My friend’s daughter had her children really young when she was something like 18, 19, 21 and 23 and she’s doing really well. I think one advantage is that you’re younger and fitter when you have DGC. I’m 60 and thinking it will never happen!

I don’t think there is any “ right “ or wrong way as so many variables and pros and cons of having kids early / later .

The benefits will be more energy , not dealing with teens when going through peri/ menopause.

I think statistically however that the relationship between the parents is more likely to fail and as others say it does depend on what family support was available / career paths etc .

Yes there will lots of lovely examples of those that met their DH at school and have remained happily married for decades . But I also know a lot of earlier marriages / relationships that have failed as the people wanted different things in life and this changed throughout their 20s etc . Some will always have “ an old head “ on young shoulders , but others will be quite immature . Having a child does put a strain on a relationship and is not one I would have wanted to test out in my early twenties or earlier .

Yes , having kids at a young age does address the issues of declining fertility for both partners . Some women will regret having left having kids to later , when they may experience infertility issues . Again so many variables and finding the right person, being financially stable , your career are undoubtedly factors . Unlikely you will be financially stable at that age .

Bottom line would I encourage female relatives to have a child so young - definite no . I would however support them if they ended up with an unplanned pregnancy to make the best choice for them .

Good for both of them making it work!

Plenty of people in their 30s that it all goes wrong for also

She sounds awesome.

I do imagine she's one of those superwomen who gives the impression of it all being a breeze but underneath it there is blood sweat and tears!

There is a reason many teen mums don't have such great outcomes and it's not because they are bad people, there are loads of challenges around starting a career etc at such a young age, as well as raising other humans at an age when many of us are still totally selfish. You do need to be made of tough stuff and strong moral fibre to overcome these hurdles.