To think on balance my friend did it ‘right’?

[shedidithink]

When in sixth form, my friend had an unplanned pregnancy, went into a bit of denial and by the time it emerged she was definitely pregnant it was too late to terminate. I think she was about eight months pregnant at our mock A levels and deferred the real thing until the following year.

She then went on to have two more children (same dad, not that it matters) and so her family was complete by the time she was 25. At thirty, she went to university, trained as a teacher and has been working successfully and happily ever since. Her children are now 27, 25 and 21, have all finished university, she and her DH are 45 and tbh have had a great life.

I know it sounds like I’m bitter and I’m 100% not! Shes awesome. But I was thinking about the sneery comments she had at the time this morning (I posted a birthday card to her) and now I think how well it’s gone for her. I kind of wonder sometimes if it makes sense to have your kids really young. But then not many people are in a stable enough relationship then. But if you are … I don’t know, maybe it’s something that should be considered.

The reality is that with many teen pregnancies the majority of young mum's are left on their own and struggle financially. There will always be a story here and there of someone falling pregnant at 16, studying all hours given, going to uni and getting a fantastic career and all rosy in the long run but for many this just isn't the case and requires a lot of help and support from family and others around them which many don't have.

I live near a very deprived seaside town where the rate of teen pregnancies is higher than many other areas where I live, you only have to go into this town to see just how far these poor girls get in life and sadly it isn't far at all.

There have been several teen pregnancies in my DH's very large family and I can only think of one couple (DH's nephew) who have stayed together, worked very hard and now in their early 30's have teens and a high joint household income but his wife was able to leave the children with her mum so she could study and they both work unsociable hours.

I had a colleague who had a child when he was 16 - in his mid thirties she was going to uni, his job was done.

I was a bit envious - I was in my late thirties when I had my first. Now career has gone off the rails a bit for related reasons.

But yeah ideally either way you’re also in a stable relationship with family around you. Otherwise I think parenthood as a young person is hard, and it must be hard to see friends having fun and travelling in their 20s while you’re a bit stuck with kids.

She’s done well, I couldn’t have trained for my job with 3 young children, not “it would have been difficult” I just physically and mentally wouldn’t have been able to. So I had to study first.
Had my first at 28, youngish compared with work peers, oldish compared with school friends. Wanted to have my last by 35. I have 4 DC but slightly wish I started younger but then may have had 6 😂

But just because you are in your 30s doesn't mean you have more financial stability. Many people in that age group are still working at minimum wage

‘His job was done’? But, bluntly, how well was it done? He was a child having a child.

Yes, and I suspect even if you asked the people for whom it turned out rosy if they'd actively encourage their kids to have a baby before even finishing school that 100% of them would say no bloody way.

I think you're overlooking how she was supported as a 17-18yr old with a newborn while still studying for A-levels. Same as going to uni with 3 young kids! I'm guessing that didn't happen without family support (both physical and financial) and her partner. Sadly lots of teenage dads are nowhere to be seen by the time baby arrives and parents are always in a position to support another person either.

Not before finishing school but early 20s? Absolutely.

Sure, but chances are much higher. Average age at 18-21 is approx £23k, I’d imagine much lower at 16. At 30-39 it’s £40k, so almost double. Finishing school helps.

The OP is referring to her friend getting pregnant before finishing her A levels.

Not someone in their early 20s

She said I kind of wonder sometimes if it makes sense to have your kids really young.

Yes I agree. I am glad it worked out for OPs friend but I don’t think she did it the right way as such because there’s no one right way but it was for her. That said I don’t feel it’s ideal for someone to miss out on the carefree aspect of their late teens/early 20s to be tied down with kids and locked into a relationship that they may not feel able to leave due to the children. And I just don’t think going from childhood straight to parenthood is great.

But my good friend met her now husband at age 17. They had kids between 24 and 35, so she got to enjoy being childfree while focusing on the uni and travel thing and establishing her very successful career early, alongside finding the love of her life early. And they went to seperate unis and they both even did a semester abroad so they did have enough independence and freedom from each other in their youth,

A school friend of mine did something similar but met her now husband at 18, again they both got to do uni before she had kids. They are still deeply in love with each other two decades later.

Personally I’d much prefer that for a young woman than how it happened for OP’s friend, but each to their own of course.

I think it’s great that your friend’s life has worked out well. Statistically though, she is the exception. The vast majority of couples who have a baby when they are teens do not stay together long term. People change as they grow out of teens and into adulthood. All of my long time friendship group is happily married - but not to the person they were in a relationship with when we were all late teens. So whilst your friend’s situation has worked well, it wouldn’t work out well for most young people who chose that route.

Genuinely - good for her. I also know of a few people who had kids very young and it's gone well for them. But it needs a mature, responsible partner and a family with the time and money to support them. Unfortunately this is so rarely how it happens when a teenager has a baby.

So I wouldn't say she did it "right" but rather the situation worked out okay for her.

I think it depends if you have support really. She was lucky because she obviously had good support around her. If she didn’t then she wouldn’t have gone to university until much later. My friend had a baby in her last year of school. She had to raise the baby herself, so couldn’t work until the baby was old enough for school. She did her degree quite late, in her 40s.

I have voted YABU just because I am not sure that her life experience is 'typical' of young mums.
Yes I do know of women who had their DC when they were young and who now have grown up DC (I am nearly 50).
Of those, most have split up from their original partner. Only 1 went on to do a degree after her DC were at secondary school - nursing.
I think the type of degree is key, as for both teaching & nursing, it's easier to get local jobs.

I loved my 20s. I loved going to uni at 18 and then travelling for a bit before relocating for my 'proper' job and career. Met my DH in my late 20s and had my first DC at 35. We worked together to get a decent house in a nice area in the SE - I don't think I would have got any of this if I had DC young.

The main thing I would say is that, for most women, having DC when you're young limits your opportunities when you are usually at your most mobile and have the least ties.
They are obviously getting the benefit of being able to experience things now but I am not sure, in my late 40s, I would do the things I experienced in my 20s / early 30s

I was referring to "To think on balance my friend did it ‘right’?
When in sixth form, my friend had an unplanned pregnancy, went into a bit of denial and by the time it emerged she was definitely pregnant it was too late to terminate. I think she was about eight months pregnant at our mock A levels and deferred the real thing until the following year."

Thats what everyone has been talking about - teenage pregnancies

I think she was really lucky. Lucky to have found a good and decent guy, lucky for her and the father to be longterm compatible, lucky to have had quite a lot of family support (I imagine). Lucky to be determined and intelligent as well.

I wouldn’t have had that family support. And I am incredibly glad that I didn’t shackle myself to my first boyfriend and could move on relatively easily…

edit: and I am incredibly grateful that I did not become a parent when I was that young. I was quite parentified already. I needed time to be free, develop my personality, experience life with less responsibilities…

I had my first child at 26 and was the first of any of my friends who are now in 40s with young kids. The same dad thing does matter- me and dh are totally different people now and struggling (I always say he grew up, I didn’t).

This. It’s the exception not the norm that should be held up as an example.

Almost all my friends from the town I went too got pregnant in their teens and ended up in very unsuitable relationships that ended quite chaotically . If they’d just held onto the relationship and seen how things went in another 5-7 years before getting pregnant, they would have realised they weren’t meant to have kids and left the relationship with a lot less emotional baggage/scars and the forever ties to these men. The ones who waited until they were early to mid 20s had a much better success rate.

There’s only one very young couple from my home town that lasted the distance and they’re lovely - they have 4 kids and dated since age 13!

I mean my mum went to uni and graduate school and married at age 30 before having kids and it still didn’t work out with my dad but the difference is she had at least some qualifications and career experience and had a marvellous time in her 20s.

I don't personally know anyone under 40 earning 40k.

I don’t think a 17 or 18 year old can know whether or not their relationship is "stable". Your friend was lucky in that hers was, but many teenage girls think they are madly in love and in a stable relationship, only for it to turn out very differently a few months later.

I often wonder this myself. We had a teen pregnancy in the family (17&18) and if I’m being honest, they are so young that they don’t really know what they are missing! They have never been abroad, travelled or even experienced real dates together. They had finished school so it didn’t hold them back in that sense, dad goes to college and mum stays at home with baby. They don’t seem to be phased, they never gave it any consideration, there were no supplements and exercise classes or fertility tests. They were given a small house immediately and family all rallied around to buy everything they needed. They don’t drive so again, people take them shopping etc.

Me and DH have been together since we were 13 and 14, we still don’t have children in our early 30s. We went to uni, have good professional jobs and own a home, travel abroad every couple of months and have experienced so much. We sit and think about where children might fit in but realistically, our lives will change dramatically. That’s not strictly negative, we do want children but it’s not something they ever needed to have considered.

Saying all of this, it was never the life I wanted. DH did want to start a family earlier but I didn’t. My parents were fabulous but when they divorced, I saw the fall out, mum had relied on dad financially and it made life very difficult for mum for years afterwards. I never wanted to rely on anyone! Maybe if you haven’t experienced this, you would be more laid back?

How did you afford all the travel etc and living costs?

Ok, but these are the figures from the office of national statistics. So, statistically some under 40s are. In either case it’s the difference between the youngest group and those in their 30s that is relevant.