To think on balance my friend did it ‘right’?

[shedidithink]

When in sixth form, my friend had an unplanned pregnancy, went into a bit of denial and by the time it emerged she was definitely pregnant it was too late to terminate. I think she was about eight months pregnant at our mock A levels and deferred the real thing until the following year.

She then went on to have two more children (same dad, not that it matters) and so her family was complete by the time she was 25. At thirty, she went to university, trained as a teacher and has been working successfully and happily ever since. Her children are now 27, 25 and 21, have all finished university, she and her DH are 45 and tbh have had a great life.

I know it sounds like I’m bitter and I’m 100% not! Shes awesome. But I was thinking about the sneery comments she had at the time this morning (I posted a birthday card to her) and now I think how well it’s gone for her. I kind of wonder sometimes if it makes sense to have your kids really young. But then not many people are in a stable enough relationship then. But if you are … I don’t know, maybe it’s something that should be considered.

@Greenfinch7 i think when I said ‘not that it matters’ I was more thinking that separation and divorce isn’t limited to young people.

Agree she had a lot of luck as well. That's not to denigrate her, it sounds like she (and her dh) worked hard, made the best of their situation and absolutely deserve their nice life.

Basically, she did what was "right" for her under the circumstances she found herself in. That doesn't mean that it would be "right" for everyone else.

I do think we are in a time where the traditional "good life" pathways are changing.

People think having a baby young means writing off or at least significantly delaying your financial security, but tbh of all the people I know, those with one partner who left school early (almost always the male, usually in trades) and with a partner who got pregnant fairly young (early twenties) and then worked part time, if at all, were "settled" and had bought their first homes, two kids etc on average about ten years before those who took the university path, plus with no student loans.

Obviously if you earn big bucks then it might be different but if you're in the usual middle class teacher, solicitor etc professions then it doesnt really seem to equal financial benefit now in a way it might have 30 or 50 years ago.

I am playing devils advocate a bit here (as opposed to being argumentative!) but this can happen at any age, can’t it?

I think support is the key ingredient to it all working out successfully and everyone's idea of successful is different ofcourse. Either family to provide support or earning enough to pay for support is the real key.

With additional needs and no support I don't think it would of mattered when I had my children I'd still be up against it.

Yes, I agree. It’s definitely made me stop and think a bit this morning.

Someone mentioned emotional maturity above. That’s the big thing for me along with life experience. My parents weren’t young but had quite limited experience to impart to me. I am really conscious with my kids to talk about how things work, motivations, opposing views, other cultures. I’m not sure many teens or early twenties parents could manage that. Along with coping strategies etc.

There will always be exceptions to the rule but in general I doubt it is to the advantage of the kids.

I think you're more likely to make shit relationship choices when you're younger. And the main point was, if you think having kids young so you can be free and easy at a relatively young age when they're grown up, that's a huge gamble. You could end up with a child who still needs a lot of support well into adulthood and the life of fun, freedom and travel you were putting off til the kids are grown never actually happens. Better to do it pre kids.

I thi k she was luckily the bf at the time ended up her life partner

A friend of mine got pregnant at 13 and my sister got pregnant at 16 and sometimes i think they are lucky their children are now adults but at the same time they both went through such difficult times having no money, little help, life has been a struggle

I met my partner when we were 17 years old we now have a 5 year old and sometimes i think of we'd had him 19 years ago when we were first together our son would be moved out by now and i wouldnt be 36 trying to run around after a 5 year old 😆 but at least having him later in lofe we were secure financially with our jobs and our own home

But what was her living arrangement at that time? Surely she was living at home whilst in sixth form. When did she move out and get her own place? I think if you are younger there is more family help. I saw it with two friends who got pregnant at 17 and 18. They were able to go to uni later because they had parents willing to still house them and provide childcare. They were not living away from their parents.

I was at uni at 18 and glad I did not have any responsibility apart from for myself. I met Dh when I was 22. Not everyone meets the person they want to spend the rest of their lives with that young.

The evidence would tend to suggest that having children at an older, or in reality, at an average age, tends to be associated with greater relationship stability and financial stability. There are also better cognitive and behavioural outcomes for the child. However, it must be acknowledged that these differences reflect the differences that exist between these two groups.

I think your friend was very fortunate, but on balance I am glad I had my children when I did, which was in my 30s. I am relieved that I did not have children any younger. On an individual level, I think I am a better parent for it, and I also think I have been able to give my children a better life because of it.

I think it really does depend. The support of family and, hopefully, the child’s father can make all the difference. She was very fortunate to have built a good life with her children’s father at such a young age, as so many scarper or don’t step up enough.

For some people it clearly works. Kids first, then uni and career. There's no right or wrong way. The big issue in the past has been discrimination and lack of progression opportunities for women as they were thought to be more interested in having families than high powered careers. While it was a given that men could have both.

@ElixirMaker her parents didn’t respond well to the pregnancy. She moved in with her now DH and his parents, I think. They definitely had their own place when their second child was born.

I think the lesson here is not that everyone should do it but that we shouldn’t judge people who do.

I had my first and only child at 19. I was a grandmother by the time I was 40.
These children are the best things in my life and I wouldn’t change it.
I’ve had (& am having) a varied and interesting life. Not always happy but things are ok.
I’m sure people at the time thought I should have terminated my pregnancy but that wasn’t what I wanted to do.

No. It’s unlikely sixth form relationships will go the distance. I also wouldn’t want to juggle university and a few children. It will have majorly impacted on her university experience. She won’t have been able to travel at a young age age and will have impacted on her finances e.g. paying for children, impaired pension contributions etc

Virtually the same happened to my lovely friend, only a touch older, 19 for the first and then twins. You say the same dad doesn’t matter but I think it’s made all the difference really and gave them lots of stability. Two sets of young grandparents who were full of energy and keen to help. They are now grandparents at just over 50 with three of the great grandparents still about. They are affluent families so not the normal life path even back in the 90’s but its worked well for them.

She was changing nappies when she should have been having fun. It worked out OK but she did miss out on those carefree days in her teens and early twenties. She got all the child years over with young but also has an empty nest young. She was very lucky the early relationship lasted it could all have gone so wrong, a one parent family of three in her early twenties living on benefits and on the poverty line with no education.

@SweatySpider321 i do kind of think that’s a bit of a middle class ideal anyway. I couldn’t jet off travelling; I had to work.

On here, there’s definitely a formula. Wild teens / twenties involving travel, somewhere between 25-30 a well paid career and then mid thirties children. But I’m just no longer sure that’s either realistic or particularly aspirational.

I don’t think there is a right or a wrong time. I hen you are younger, you have more energy and higher chances of no complications. Older however you er likely to be more established in your career and have more money and more flexibility. Generalisations sure but my point is there are trade offs. I finished having children at 28 so all my 20s and 30s were focussed on child rearing whilst many people are out travelling and enjoying themselves. I only started to get my life back really - including financially - in my late 40’s. Don’t regret any choices and certainly now whilst friends my age are still dealing with teenagers and university choices it’s nice. Was a bit different when they were all jet setting around the world and I was home babysitting.

Totally agree with this.

I met my DH at 19 and am currently pregnant with DC3, aged nearly 40. We regularly lament that we left it so late to have kids, and that if we’d started early they’d be off to uni!

The blunt reality is that we might not still be together had I got pregnant at 20. There have been times we’ve been lucky to get through as a couple. We’re both different people now, who know each other much better thanks to all the shared experiences we had prior to kids.

At 20 I’d have had no postgrad qualifications to fall back on if things had gone tits up and I’d been a single mum. We couldn’t have afforded for me to stay at home so long with first 2 DC, or move to a nicer area where they love their school. Our parents would have been working FT, so much less grandparent support. DCs wouldn’t have cousins close in age.

On balance I’m glad we did it this way. But selfishly I’d rather my DC choose kids in their late 20s rather than late 30s, as I’ll be better able to help them in my 60s than in my 70s, (hoping I’m still here). I know this part of it isn’t ideal for anyone and I do feel the guilt.

Big focus here, with a few exceptions, on the impact on the mums and not a lot of thought about the impact on the children and what’s likely to be best for them.

This x a million.

OP- you have posted one single example where it all ended well. That does not mean every teen pregnancy ends that way. As @exexpat says, if I had got pregnant with the boyfriend I had at age 16/17 I would have ended up trapped in an abusive relationship. I shudder to think what would have become of me.

Its wonderful that it all worked out well for your friend, but you are being incredibly naive and very ignorant to use this one example to extrapolate that what she did was a great idea for all and sundry

I also worked during university term time and during the university holidays. Then straight into a job afterwards. I didn’t do gap year traveling but l did go on holiday with friends / boyfriends

Think it massively depends on your situation. I went to a mixed boarding school, and there was a couple there that got together at 16ish, had a baby by 20, and now they’ve got 3 children. All privately educated, lovely house etc. They’ve got family money behind them, and life for them is fab and hasn’t slowed at all. Sounds great to be young energetic parents who have financial freedom and no real struggles ‘normal’ teenage parents would face.

there’s then the other end of the spectrum of those who get caught in a cycle of generational benefits users, recurrent teenage pregnancies in the family, nobody ever working and just having kids and doing nothing but struggle.

Of course there’s the middle where with hard graft, support and determination you can do well and take control of your life, and have it good in your 30’s/40’s, but I don’t think teenage pregnancy is ever the answer really!